My wife berates me over simple non-issues, blames me for everything.

[purple_bus]

Hi everyone
I am in a very difficult situation. I'm scared of my wife who clearly seems to have undiagnosed BPD. It's been 13 years of staying together and we recently had a baby. Did i just make the biggest mistake of my life brining another person into this dynamic? I'm scared, sad and hopeless.

She does the following with me
1. Name calls me over the simplest of things. Tells me that I'm an useless person. My brain is empty, I can never ever get a job etc. I'm like my mother (narcissistic), I should go stay with her instead.

2. She tells me that everything bad in her life has been caused by me. She comes from a neglected childhood and because of that her self-esteem is non-existent. She blames it on me instead. That I have robbed her of her self-confidence. I have 'made' her make all the wrong decisions in her life.

3. She tells me that it's been a mistake to get married to me. That she's way more talented than I am and she could have done better. I doomed her.

4. She doesn't take criticism well. She somehow finds a way to turn it back on me.

5. I have tried every method in the world; engage, not engage, fight, not fight, explain, defend, not explain, not defend. But she keeps on going.

6. In a couple of hours then I become the best husband in the world.

7. And then again the worst. I feel like if I do something (or anything), I will activate the bad side of her. So I'm always walking cautiously. I feel tired.

Now we had a baby recently. And today she tells me over a small fight that she wants to separate. She had been threatening me with the D word over many years.

I fear that she might do something stupid because she goes into these rages when she cries unconsoleably and locks herself up in a room. I had to calm down everytime and say sorry even if it was not my fault.

And this has been happening over the years. I have told her multiple times to not berate me and humiliate me, but she says she can't because I did something to deserve it.

Am I a wuss to still be in this relationship?

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[purple_bus]

Just some context:
We have been doing extremely well financially because of certain decisions taken by me. But she cannot feel success or achievement and in fact blames those same decisions as decisions that apparently ruined her life.

I get so frustrated sometimes, that I blow up. Other times, I soak it in. And it affects my mental health. I feel worthless inside because of her constant humiliation. But I hold a high functioning job where my talent, skills are highly appreciated and sought after.

I have high self-esteem and that's the only thing that has safeguarded me. I love her but she makes it so so difficult to love her. What should I do?

[Elitevaz]

Has it always been this way? You’re not a wuss for staying with her, but you need a lot of strength for this as bpd is relationship hard mode, nightmare mode. Remember that pwbpd don’t control their emotions. So she’s looking to you for that. Which of course is not easy. Try not to apologize or accept blame for things you didn’t do wrong. Also, throw logic completely out the window. It’s useless to explain anything to her and will result in her feeling invalidated, which then escalates negative emotions and outbursts.

When she has a negative emotion, which by now you should be able to immediately notice, you need to evaluate the situation and your goal is to de escalate her emotionally. Calm her down. This doesn’t require solving a problem. It doesn’t need an explanation. No demonstration. Nothing logical is needed. Think of a kid that fell and scraped her knee. There is a stinging pain, but that passes fast. You can scold the kid about caution and danger, but it won’t help to calm her down. She’ll feel like defending herself. You don’t want the pwbpd to feel inclined to defend herself to you. Spinning each story emotionally is tricky and I’m not very good at the wording, but if you can word your response to validate her feelings, including proper body language and facial expression, she will calm down. Do this enough and you will be properly seen as an external emotional regulator. If you can meet the emotional expectations flawlessly, then you may have a nicer wife. It’s very tough.

[elmtree]

What you’re dealing with is exactly what I’m going through. I could’ve typed word for word exactly what you wrote, except we don’t have kids together.. Mind blowing. It doesn’t make it any easier but it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one going through this. That I can suddenly finally rationalize why things are the way they are. After two years of marriage, with the last year and a half being crazy, I just learned in a therapy session the other day that her issue is BDP. I had heard of it before, but had no idea what it was and that it could explain why she was reacting in the way she has been. She’s coming home today after being gone for the last 13 days after a blow up argument. She hates my guts one minute and puts me on a pedestal. The next I’m certain that I need to get a divorce, and in my situation it’s easier because I do not have kids with her, but her clinginess and the begging to work things out makes it so tough. When she’s sweet, she is the sweetest woman in the world and treats me like a king.  When she feels wronged, I’m right back to the worst husband in the world. at this point, I think it would be so much easier for her mental health if she were the one to leave but I don’t think you can bring herself to do it.

[purple_bus]

Has it always been this way? You’re not a wuss for staying with her, but you need a lot of strength for this as bpd is relationship hard mode, nightmare mode. Remember that pwbpd don’t control their emotions. So she’s looking to you for that. Which of course is not easy. Try not to apologize or accept blame for things you didn’t do wrong. Also, throw logic completely out the window. It’s useless to explain anything to her and will result in her feeling invalidated, which then escalates negative emotions and outbursts.

When she has a negative emotion, which by now you should be able to immediately notice, you need to evaluate the situation and your goal is to de escalate her emotionally. Calm her down. This doesn’t require solving a problem. It doesn’t need an explanation. No demonstration. Nothing logical is needed. Think of a kid that fell and scraped her knee. There is a stinging pain, but that passes fast. You can scold the kid about caution and danger, but it won’t help to calm her down. She’ll feel like defending herself. You don’t want the pwbpd to feel inclined to defend herself to you. Spinning each story emotionally is tricky and I’m not very good at the wording, but if you can word your response to validate her feelings, including proper body language and facial expression, she will calm down. Do this enough and you will be properly seen as an external emotional regulator. If you can meet the emotional expectations flawlessly, then you may have a nicer wife. It’s very tough.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. It has always been this way, but I had overlooked it in the initial years because I was not used to such behaviour so it took me time to understand what was actually going on. Those initial days, we used to have bitter fights, she would lock herself in a room, I would smash mobile phones on the floor out of frustration, she would threaten harm on herself, so I'm still worried when she goes into a rage because she's capable of harming herself. And I know she can write a letter blaming me for everything and harm herself just to get back to me. She's become that vile. Maybe she won't do it, but my scared gut feeling says she may 99% can and will if push comes to shove. So I was scared to leave as well. But not anymore and I'm being compassionate towards myself. Even if she does something stupid, I'll be in a better place than today.

Your idea of throwing logic out of the window makes real sense. Because at the heat of the moment, however hard I try to drill logic into her head, she never understands and in fact as you rightly said, she feels invalidated and the situation becomes worse.

But how do I avoid logical discussion when she only keeps pestering and asking me questions like, "Tell me what did you do this?" and 'this' is something I never did. So it's a loaded question which assumes/blames me of doing something. So I have to tell her logically why I didn't do anything and what my intention is. And that leads to another huge fight because whatever I say will 100% be taken against me. Even small words, body language, unspoken words will also be blames at me and I keep getting sicked into this quicksand of explaining. If I don't say anything, she becomes even more furious and keeps on nagging, name calling me or escalating the situation. I get scared and answer. It's like interrogation alongwith blame.

Ask me how to stay calm when one person is spewing poisonois hatred at you and blaming that every bad thing has happened because of you and that you're dumb and don't care about others. That you're a narcissist who cares about yourself and like your mother. And you should just marry your mother and stay with her.

I have kept calm inspire of all these.

And when I don't explain to her logically, she thinks that she's right and demands apology from me instantly. She says, "I don't want to hear anything else. Just tell me that you're sorry". She says, "Do you understand what you have done and are you sorry?"

The problem is I've done nothing so to calm the situation, I have said numerous sorry over the years that means nothing. I had to lie and take the blame on myself so that she feels good. What sort of unhealthy relationship is that?

Please tell me how cna I stop engaging logically yet not have to apologise for things that are only in her imagination.

[purple_bus]

What you’re dealing with is exactly what I’m going through. I could’ve typed word for word exactly what you wrote, except we don’t have kids together.. Mind blowing. It doesn’t make it any easier but it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one going through this. That I can suddenly finally rationalize why things are the way they are. after two years of marriage in the last year and a half being crazy, I just learned in a therapy session the other day that her issue is BDP. I had heard of it before, but had no idea what it was and that it could explain why she was reacting in the way she has been. She’s coming home today after being gone for the last 13 days after a blow up argument. She hates my guts one minute and put me on a pedestal. The next I’m certain that I need to get a divorce, and in my situation it’s easier because I do not have kids with her, but her clinginess and the begging to work things out makes it so tough. When she’s sweet, she is the sweetest woman in the world and treats me like a king.  When she feels wronged, I’m right back to the worst husband in the world. at this point, I think it would be so much easier for her mental health if she were the one to leave but I don’t think you can bring herself to do it.

So sorry for your situation. Hope you get the strength to deal with her erratic behaviour. Leaving the house and not returning for 13 days is scary. Did she stay in touch with you during this time? Did you try to contact her via phone/text etc? Just curious. I would be PLEASE READ scared if she would leave the house that way. Not that she has not attempted, my wife tries to barge outside the house at the drop of a hat, but I always go after her pleading not a create a scene publicly. It disarms me and I guess she uses it as a tool to control me. So curious how it goes for you.

I'm not sure what advice I can give you except my love, strength and best wishes. Keep trying but sometimes I feel anybody can stay with me when times are good. But it's how a person behaves during non-good times is what matters. We tend to overlook this. I did. I think she's a terrific person. Flahs news: most people are when things are going well. Nobody is evil. I it when things become slight inconvenient, she turns her back on me. What sort of partner does that?

I would say kepe an eye on your mental health. Don't let that suffer. Sometimes, good byes are better for everyone. I can surely say though, don't plan a kid yet. Give me more thought. Because that's something you can't undo or say good bye to. Take care.

[elmtree]

She has been bottling things up and has refused to talk to anyone. She left after I convinced her to call her best friend, which she did, and right after booked a flight to stay with her.  The friend doesn’t understand as I can’t explain the situation without her officially being diagnosed. She’s a doctor and will just dismiss my concern since i’m not ‘qualified’ to express my concerns. Although, she must be recognizing something since she told my wife to open up during counseling as she noticed  severe trust issues. My wife stayed in contact while gone, and her friend made her promise to stop threatening self-harm.  Since her return, the weekend has now been filled with my wife trying different tactics to guilt me into remaining in this relationship.  It’s a complete mind trip being told you’re scum one minute and told they can’t imagine living without you the next.

[elmtree]

Please tell me how cna I stop engaging logically yet not have to apologise for things that are only in her imagination.

As a logical guy going through the same, I can tell you to throw logic out the window.  Any explanation you provide for anything will be twisted and turned back on you.  For the first time last night I pushed back, and told her she was ‘amping up again’. She actually brought it down. Not sure that will work again, but did some reading, and I think the reason it worked is because I told her a couple of days ago that I have some concerns about her behaviors after talking to my therapist. Therapy is what’s keeping my sanity right now.

[Elitevaz]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. It has always been this way, but I had overlooked it in the initial years because I was not used to such behaviour so it took me time to understand what was actually going on. Those initial days, we used to have bitter fights, she would lock herself in a room, I would smash mobile phones on the floor out of frustration, she would threaten harm on herself, so I'm still worried when she goes into a rage because she's capable of harming herself. And I know she can write a letter blaming me for everything and harm herself just to get back to me. She's become that vile. Maybe she won't do it, but my scared gut feeling says she may 99% can and will if push comes to shove. So I was scared to leave as well. But not anymore and I'm being compassionate towards myself. Even if she does something stupid, I'll be in a better place than today.

Your idea of throwing logic out of the window makes real sense. Because at the heat of the moment, however hard I try to drill logic into her head, she never understands and in fact as you rightly said, she feels invalidated and the situation becomes worse.

But how do I avoid logical discussion when she only keeps pestering and asking me questions like, "Tell me what did you do this?" and 'this' is something I never did. So it's a loaded question which assumes/blames me of doing something. So I have to tell her logically why I didn't do anything and what my intention is. And that leads to another huge fight because whatever I say will 100% be taken against me. Even small words, body language, unspoken words will also be blames at me and I keep getting sicked into this quicksand of explaining. If I don't say anything, she becomes even more furious and keeps on nagging, name calling me or escalating the situation. I get scared and answer. It's like interrogation alongwith blame.

Ask me how to stay calm when one person is spewing poisonois hatred at you and blaming that every bad thing has happened because of you and that you're dumb and don't care about others. That you're a narcissist who cares about yourself and like your mother. And you should just marry your mother and stay with her.

I have kept calm inspire of all these.

And when I don't explain to her logically, she thinks that she's right and demands apology from me instantly. She says, "I don't want to hear anything else. Just tell me that you're sorry". She says, "Do you understand what you have done and are you sorry?"

The problem is I've done nothing so to calm the situation, I have said numerous sorry over the years that means nothing. I had to lie and take the blame on myself so that she feels good. What sort of unhealthy relationship is that?

Please tell me how cna I stop engaging logically yet not have to apologise for things that are only in her imagination.

So first question, how to deal with loaded question. Do not accept blame or fault. This will vindicate her from whatever horrible thing she responded with. Look at the question emotionally. She feels wronged by the behavior. One thing you can do against this is delay. Borderlines are terrible thinkers and have difficulty staying on task. By delaying you can get her to either forget or be in a different emotional state. If a delay doesn’t work, you can target the feeling. "I couldn’t do something like that to you, I love you too much." Then turn it around on her "there has to be something else we’re not seeing here". This can give you another opportunity to delay. Investigate the crime scene closer or have a short break to think about other possibilities. If you can, escape from her sight/presence for a short time, anything to buy time or distract her off the hot topic.

Second, your mom would probably make better wife,

Third, again do not apologize for things you did not do. You have to throw out logic, she doesn’t. However, she’s not gonna win, because she’s imagined the wrong doing. Again delay. Her feelings here are that she needs to be right. This is reality testing. You cannot valid her upside down world. She needs to validate the real world through you. When you answer, choose an emotion, not a fact. "It really upsets me that you think I am capable of this. There has to be something we’re missing. Let’s take a 5 minute break and think over what happened again". This is where you are exploiting her impulsivity. Her low attention span should kick in and have her attend to something else. Try to make sure it is something positive. Try to be side by side with her in the delusion instead of her against you.

[Pricklypickle]

I would like to add to everything that's been said here about logic and delaying.

No matter how logical we are (I am a very "logic oriented" person too), we can all remember events in out life where we did actions or said things that we wish we hadn't, because we were upset / angry / fearful etc. It's normal to do this in an emotionally agitated state. I don't believe that people with BPD have any different relationship with facts and logic that we do. It's just that their negative emotions are vastly more frequent and intense than the average person.

The observation that people with BPD often "forget" about arguments is not necessarily related to their memory or attention span, but just to the fact that once they no longer feel intense feelings of betrayal, hurt, fear etc - they will be able to see things with a more positive and calm perspective - just the way anyone else would do when they calm down after being agitated.

Indeed, this quick "forgetfulness" of extreme situations seems paradoxical when viewed in parallel with the fact that people with BPD often hold grudges for very long times. But it's not paradoxical. It's just about how we react to the world in an agitated state vs a calm state.