Left my wife for BPDgirl, only to ruin my life.

[nowaves]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post on this website, although I've been reading many threads in the last couple weeks and have already gained helpful insights from this wonderful community. Now it is time for me to share my story of my last (nearly) two years, in which I've had an affair with a BPD woman as a freshly married man, convinced myself that I've chosen the wrong woman to marry, got enmeshed with the BPD girl very much, and in the end, got discarded badly.

I know it sounds bad, and it truly is, but please don't be too hard on me. I'm being hard enough on myself, punishing and beating myself up 24/7 for what I've done, and I'm actually working on learning to stop punishing myself anymore in therapy -- and in general, I'm rewiring my whole thinking and cognitions via CBT/schema therapy and I'm willing to change myself day by day. I know what my failures were and I'm absolutely committed to never do such things again.

I tried to keep it short but really couldn't, so I'm going to share it in two pieces. I really appreciate if any of you will have the time to read it. <3

So here it goes:

In August 2021, I got married to my girlfriend. We've first dated from 2013 to 2018. We had a strange, yet fun relationship: when we met I was only 21 and she was 29. I was still a student, while she was one of the most praised & well-known artists in my country in a certain creative industry. I admit, I felt inferior to her in those years. However we clicked instantly intellectually: she had great taste, great humor, she was absolutely fun to be with. I've never known a person so sophisticated and refined like her. But no matter the amount of "intellectual chemistry" we had, we could never really get properly intimate. From expressing her feelings and needs to empathizing with mine feelings/needs to having sex, everything that requires deep intimacy was difficult for her. I've learned in therapy that it is most probably because that's what she learned from her parents as they always suppressed their emotions, never expressing how they actually were. Anyway, even though intimacy and sex were not really OK between us (to the point I've gotten paranoid I have erectile dysfunction), our intellectual bond made the relationship beautiful, we've traveled around the world, I loved listening to music and watching movies with her, she was my true companion in everything, minus intimacy. Now I've also learned in therapy that one of my main issues coming from childhood is "subjugation": I tend to sweep my own emotions and needs under the rug and go with whatever the other person is comfortable with to preserve their love for me. So, I've subjugated my own needs, while she was inhibited to feel her own ones.
In 2018, I broke up with her. Her career had always come first, she is a self-described workaholic and that, coupled with my subjugation causing me not communicating my needs, slowly dulled the relationship, and I fell in love with a coworker. The new girl gave me everything I've needed: someone to listen to me and care about me. However, starting a new relationship with the coworker girl turned out to be only an ugly rebound: within months I've realized I still miss my ex and the new girl is not whom I thought -- I've idealized her to a level (mind you, I've had cluster B traits in those times but due to therapy I've managed to deal with those since).
In 2019, coworker girl broke up with me but I didn't mind it too much, as I was practically "homesick" for my ex. I decided I have to win her back (so selfish...), and I've promised myself if we get back together I'd be more open and I'd also get her to be more open with her feelings/needs. I've also started visiting a counselor that, in retrospect, didn't help much. I've spent 1.5 years courting her, showering her with romantic gestures, even directing a short film dedicated to her. She slowly opened to my direction and in May 2020, after a date, we slept together and got back together. Sex turned out to be highly dysfunctional  again and we quickly slipped back into the old maladaptive communicational routines, but still, I've felt at "home" again intellectually, I loved our movie nights, listening to music and sharing jokes together. I proposed to her that fall, moved in together to my new apartment. Her workaholism remained the same and even got worse, coming home after working 10-12 hours only to fall asleep. We slowly started living parallel lives again. However, we decided to get married in August next year. One side of me thought my life is finally "on track", but the other side of me felt some weird unhappiness, which I tried to numb by drinking quite a lot. (Talking about unresolved personality issues, right...)

And now, back to the wedding in 2021. We got married, it felt magical, picture-perfect, however, the "other side" of me knew that something's missing. I couldn't name it back then, but I know it now: intimacy and proper communication. I received only a fraction of the attention I desired but swept it under the rug (thanks, subjugation schema), and I never really knew what's inside her, as she inhibited her emotions. We couldn't talk about what's really going on in us. Nevermind, the intellectual bond and shared taste made up for these -- at least I thought so. We lived like two good friends sharing an apartment.

Because in the fall of 2021, BPDgirl arrived into my life.

A coworker (again), who started working for our company since the summer but I haven't really noticed her yet back then, I remember having an online meeting with her that ended up with her congratulating me for our wedding with my wife, telling me she's a huge fan of her work ( ) However, during fall, me and my male colleagues have seen this extremely thin-legged tall girl in the mini skirt looking pretty sexy -- but that was about it, haven't given her much more thought than that, I was a married man. Little did I know her extremely thin legs are like that because she has anorexia.

However, in November, there was a 60s-themed party in the office, everyone looking great wearing suits & dresses. I got pretty drunk and supposedly told a group of my colleagues I was unhappy with my life and thinking about suicide. BPDgirl was in the audience. A few hours later, while smoking outside, she covered me with her fur coat as it was really cold, and starting talking to me while secretly touching each others bodies under her coat. After a while, she went home, I escorted her down the elevator, and that was it. Next day, I felt horrible but also fell madly in love. But I knew this simply cannot happen. Next week, she wrote to me that she wants to talk. We met outside the office, had a walk, I told her that we must forget about what happened that night. She told me it's ok and that she wanted to talk to me about the suicide thing I mentioned, and made me promise I'd never do that. Little did I know that's one of the things she fell in love with me for: all her exes were truly troubled/depressed/alcoholics/drug addicts etc.

In late November, there was another office party. I tried to suppress my love but couldn't, waited for the party like a teenager. She showed up in a crazy sexy outfit to get my attention. The night ended with both of us getting drunk and kissing. I felt horrible yet extremely "alive" the next day.

In December, I was fully in love yet felt guilty and horrible the next minute. We started texting each night after my wife was asleep. She told me everything about her father abandoning her at age 5 and that she cried every day for 1 whole year after that ( ), that she's taking 2 anti-depressants and that all her exes were evil ( ), except for one (who has abandoned her and she became hardcore anorexic after that). BPDgirl's hypersensitivity was also starting to show: at the office Christmas party, they took a photo of some of us, she wanted to join and I supposedly told her "who told you you can join?". She started crying and left the party, with everyone sympathizing with her. I'm sure I didn't mean it in a bad way, why would I? I was in love with her. I knew nothing about BPD self-victimization yet. Post-Christmas, she threw a party at her place and sure I was invited. I supposedly made a remark after drinking that everything inside her apartment is "ugly". She lashed out on me for it the next day, I tried to protect myself, resulting in mutual silent treatment until the 1st days of January (and she slept with a guy on NYE as she told me months later).

In January 2022, we couldn't hold it back anymore and things got sexual. I went over to her place and it happened. I felt so guilty yet absolutely sucked into this whole thing and horribly in love. I started visiting her weekly. As I know it now, she mirrored me perfectly: she made minor changes in her interior so it'd appeal to me more, researched lots of things I liked and of course asked a lot about my marriage: I admitted I don't really get any intimacy, attention and care that I think I deserve, plus there's little sexual tension between us -- she said she's more than happy to give these to me ( ).

In February, I shared a photo of my wife and me on IG after attending an event. BPDgirl got fuuuuurious (she started competing with my wife on a hardcore level). It took me 2 weeks to reconcile with her. She made me sit down and gave me the ultimatum: her patience is over soon, I gotta choose between her and my wife. I told her I need more time for that. She wasn't so happy about it. Anyway, she loves me once again, celebrates my birthday cooking my favorite dishes, buys me funny gifts by mirroring what kind of gifts would impress me, acts super sweet and of course wears sexy lingerie/outfit.

In March, we are sorta OK, there is little to no drama. (In September I learned it was because she secretly dated a guy she found on an app -- and, of course, it was my fault that she started dating because "I didn't come over to her place enough")

In April, I visit her and she acts super strange. I go home to my wife, then BPDgirl keeps calling/texting. She got super drunk. She tells me to "enjoy my life with my perfect wife". I can hear car horns in the background, I'm afraid she'll kill herself (or come to my place and make a scene). I never knew the reason behind it until September: it turned out that the dating app guy vanished so she went into panic mode.

In May, my bad conscience and guilt wins: I tell BPDgirl that we are done. I have to repair my marriage. She gets dragon-level furious, slams her door in my face, says if I exit that door I'll never have the chance to come back again. We don't talk for weeks. I'm trying to figure it out how and when will I tell my wife about this, if I'll ever have the balls. I'm trying to spend quality time with my wife but the poison of BPDgirl is hard to let go. On the last day of May there is a huge party that BPDgirl is also attending and I get drunk -- guess who takes me home to her place by cab to take care of me? :D

We sleep together and next day we talk until evening: she has been caring and attentive to me until this point too, but now it's another level -- she turns her attentiveness + caring + sexiness buttons up to 250% in the following weeks. I'm having the wildest sexual experiences of my life. Wow, I remember the second I decide I simply cannot leave her again, and have to choose her and end my marriage.

Summer is all about me trying to muster up my courage to talk to my wife and end the marriage. For BPDgirl, summer is about having a double agenda on me: first, to hurry me into telling my wife about us, plus, she convinced me that I have deep psychological issues and she got the contact of one of the best therapists for me (she was actually right about this, I had serious issues. Few things I'm grateful for her). Plus, some drama: a group of us spend a weekend at a coworkers summer home, on the 2nd night when we all got drunk I supposedly told her that "I hate you" because I was sitting on a fence and she kept worrying that I'll fall off like a child -- she throws the biggest tantrum ever, starts crying, the whole group looks at me like I'm a demon for hurting this innocent girl. This is the 100th time we drink and I become the villain by hurting her. Nevermind she takes 2 psych medications she couldn't drink alcohol with. Next day we all go home by car together. She looks at me like a maniac the whole ride, probably split me black. I have my first panic attack, have to get out of the car. Next day I call the therapist, I start attending a 6-week test. BPDgirl is super attentive and nice to me to finally win me.

In early August, I tell my wife half the story: namely, that we've got huge problems we never communicated about. I'm a coward to tell it all. She is sad and we agree to continue the conversation later, after her work season is over in weeks. BPDgirl is angry I haven't told it all, tells me not to text her until my wife knows the whole story. 6-week test is over with the therapist, I learn about what schemas are and come out of his office in shock that I have so much issues. I start reading about schema therapy like crazy. If it can save anything.

Finally, in late August, I tell my wife the truth. She is shocked but tells me she knew I have someone. She moves away that night. We meet the next evening because she has many questions, I answer them all. My heart is bleeding but I know that BPDgirl is waiting for me.

In September, we officially get together with BPDgirl. At first, everything is sweet, sex is electrifying. I move to her place that week as my apartment became a memento of my failed marriage. She's more than happy for me moving there. She says she expects 100% honesty and I must tell her everything that's in my mind. She says there's only one thing I CANNOT talk about: my wife. She says whenever she hears her name, "It's like they push a button on her" and she gets furious. I have no chance to grieve my marriage. But I subjugate.

During fall, we shift between good and bad times, when it's good I get so much attention and care that's otherwordly, when I misbehave (go out and stay longer than strictly agreed, talk to female coworkers longer, "hurt" her with verbal "insults" etc) she gets furious, one time taking 4 Xanaxes after I "insult" her. She still competes with my wife, hurries me to file the divorce papers, saying I disrespect her because I'm "not hurrying". She constantly checks my wife's Instagram, knowing about every detail of her life, following her friends with a secret account. I know nothing yet she knows everything about her.

I introduce her to my family, after meeting both sides of my family she tells me "I hope I didn't bring shame on you", and I feel she behaves unnatural around them, but tries to be super sweet too.

In November, she gets drunk at a weekend getaway while I don't (because I'm literally scared to drink as I'm treated by her as an alcoholic at this point), and calls my wife all kinds of names. Next morning I tell her I'm fed up with her obsession with my wife and calling her names: one of the few instances she apologizes to me -- but somehow twists it, telling me she called her names because her things are still in my apartment so we can't spend time there, so basically it's all my fault for not hurrying my wife to pick up her stuff.

Then, good times return, to the point that for Christmas, I secretly buy us a trip to Miami for late February, so we can celebrate her birthday there. I get a letter from court, my divorce is going to be in January.

The saga continues from here...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[understandBPD]

I feel sorry for your wife

Is there a possibility of any kind of reconciliation with wife or is she absolutely finished ?

[nowaves]

So, here's the 2nd and final part.

It's Christmas at BPDgirl's place. A holiday that has been a tradition with my wife, listening to the specific Sinatra songs in order, watching the specific shows, etc. As I said, my wife is a "big red button" for her and couldn't grieve her, I must suppress my feelings, however I start crying when we listen to Sinatra. I tell BPDgirl that I'm crying only because these songs are so beautiful. She unwraps her gift, the plane tickets+accomodation to Miami. She is as happy as a child, starts dancing around. I love her. Despite everything.

On the 30th, we invite our friends to her place that ends with good old drunk drama! She has been very controlling with my drinking for months, but now, after all of us were drunk, she finds me drinking vodka while I told her it's just water. She says all her trust is gone, I'm a liar, and she knows that "this is the point when you'll storm home". She's right, I went home to my place for the night. I got fed up with her controlling me and treating me like a hardcore alcoholic. Next day she wants to talk, and I'm finding myself repeating her behaviors she's done with me so many times: I simply text her "f-u", then I block her on social media. She makes me do the same things she's done on me before! We agreed to watch my mother's dogs on NYE in their house so she comes over and we "reconcile", but I feel it's forced and it's something she'll probably never forgive. I was right.

I start therapy with a new therapist in early January and get divorced in mid-January. We do not talk at all in court with my wife. It is weird and formal. But it's official. BPDgirl is finally happy. For a short time.

In late January, she slowly starts treating me differently. She picks fights just like before, but these are darker. I can't forget the sentence she said during a fight in late Jan: "You are the only one for whom this relationship is important! If I break up with you you'll have nobody so you'll fall between two stools! Wow. She basically told me to better behave, or else...

In February she acts super nice again, it's my birthday, she bakes the best cake ever, invites my family over, she "performs" perfectly, asks me the usual "I hope I didn't bring shame on you" question. My mother is in awe that I've found such a little fairy that will surely become the best wife ever.

End of February, off to Florida. Around 70% of the time she is enjoying it: I reserve a table at a skyscraper's rooftop bar for her birthday, even hide a little voucher under her plate for a knitting store back home as an extra gift (as by now she started doing handicraft things, obviously telling me it's not because she wants to compete with my ex-wife who does something similar, but I never believed that). She says she has never had a birthday like this and is grateful for me for this experience.

30% of the time she's starting to get really weird: while on the beach one day, I told her to stay at the sunbed and went to the boardwalk to have a cigarette. However, I also took a little walk and arrived back 15 minutes later. She said she was afraid I'm abandoning her. Wow. I also snapped at her one time when I was super tired, ruining half of the day trying to apologize to her.

After the trip was over and we arrived home, everything started to go down the drain. She was idealizing+devaluing me in lightspeed: one day she surprises me by buying an iced tea that I wanted to try in the US but forgot to, then the next day she is constantly arguing and provoking/picking fights with me. Positive day, negative day.

At the end of March, I visit my mother in her countryside apartment for an evening and for the day after. BPDgirl says it's ok if I go, even though she's a bit sick. Out of guilt, I promise I'll come back next day in time and we'll make some food together. Next morning, she tells me it's okay if I come back later, we'll cook something in the evening. My mother insists to try a new burger place. I text BPDgirl that I'm just having a burger, but I'll be happy to cook with her in the evening too. She gets passive-aggressive. I know it's because we're not going to cook -- but really, it's because that now I'm prioritizing my mother and spend time with her. I hop on a train, but the train hits someone so we're standing in the middle of nowhere for long. She doesn't even reply to my texts. I arrive at BPDgirl's place by 9pm.

Silent treatment for 1.5 days.

After that we "reconcile", but she's clearly not over it fully.

Then, next weekend I decide to de-clutter my laptop, organizing files, putting documents in order, etc. I do it in her kitchen while she is on the sofa and she's sick. After a few hours she comes out and asks: "Are you watching old pictures with your wife?" Wow. I am so hurt I get angry at her. Of course I haven't done that! She gets angry for me being angry at her. Now she physically avoids me in her apartment. And, to some level, I do too as I'm tired of everything.

We don't talk for 3 days. She sleeps on the couch. I try to reconcile but she's not interested. Now I know she has split me at this point.

On day 4 of not talking, I tell her me and my colleagues are going to have a little party after work, and I will join them. She says sure, join, then go home to your place. And to leave her alone for a few more days. Because I'm a bad person and I don't give a sh*t about if she's sick or not. Wow, okay.

I leave her alone as she wished. After a few days, I text her "I miss you". She replies with a wall of text, trying to provoke me. I'm a bad person. I don't give two cents about her living or dying. I didn't comfort her when she was sick. Etc. I request an extra session with my therapist. This is the first time I get to imagine and talk to my inner child. It's so soothing.

A week passes, she texts me to come over. I know it's going to be nasty, whatever happens. I don't want to break up with her, yet I know her behavior is really damaging and irrational. I go up with 2 paper bags as I need a few of my things. She sees the bags and looks panicked. Cannot forget that look she had. By the way, her hair is nicely done and is wearing the perfume she knows I love the most. We sit down in her kitchen. She tells me in the last 1.5 weeks since she's last seen me she has become happy again, because with me she forgot how to laugh and felt miserable. I tell her I feel the same. She gets furious as I say this. She says then let's go, she'll let me pack then it's over for good.

While packing, I try to stay calm, however, I tell her some triggering things. I tell her she has abandonment schema (she also "sees" a therapist but only once a month or so, so she knews she has this schema), and if she'll keep doing what she does now with me, she'll have "72 more boyfriends in her life and history will always repeat itself, making her unhappy forever". She is furious, tells me not to analyze her. Then I get her BPD rage in full force, yelling at me for 30 minutes. I realize that she's already emptied my drawer. She says that she'll take all my stuff to my mother's house tomorrow, as I'll be at work so I won't be home. She pushes me out the door forcefully with my bags in my hands. That night she kept sending me a huuuge wall of text, that she is disgusted by me, and that from now on I can get drunk anytime I want and many other insults. With many grammatical errors and mistakes. I wonder if she got drunk. She unsent half of it, then I was blocked everywhere, IG, FB, you name it.

Next day, she takes all my things to my mother's house. My mother wants to talk to her about what this whole thing is about. My mother said she was relatively calm, but once my mother suggested that she should also get therapy like I do, she became furious. She said this whole Florida trip was about me (), and that I hate my family (what), and that I owe her money because I never payed any bills or for food while living at her place (lie). Classic BPD things.

The storm is gone, it's over. For a few weeks I was relieved, then what happened started hitting me. I basically believed every word she said. That I'm a bad person, that I constantly need to change and I'm not good enough as a person, that I'm violent...

...to the point that I started attending a Non-Violent Communications month-long training every weekend in May. My guilt for being such a bad person was killing me.

My separation anxiety was on crazy levels.
On May 27th, I sent her a 10-pages-long letter, taking all the blame, actually believing that it was all my fault. On pink paper, with a sticker of sad, dalmatian puppies. I told her about my Non-Violent Comms course and that I've learned to speak the language of non-violence, telling her it was all my fault and my bad communication led us here. Oh gosh.

No reply, obviously. Then, I've sent her a long list of the things I love and miss about her, rolled up, twisted and tied with red laces, sprayed with perfume.

No reply. Then, even attended an awards ceremony in an "I love you" T-shirt with dalmatian dogs and made sure an official, public photo is taken of me, so she'll see it. No reply.

On June 14th, 2 months after breakup, I asked my best friend to talk to her online. To tell her I'm a wreck without her, I cannot live without her, etc. They talked for an hour. She was in full BPD rage, didn't want to hear about me anymore, she said she's going to even forget my name and memory. Now what I know about BPD that's easier than I thought. She said I destroyed her faith in males ( what), she's afraid that guys will only hurt him and that she might even turn gay to avoid males. My friend asked her to at least tell me that it's over so I get some closure. She said she might do it, but she's not promising it.

I was devastated. Thought about jumping out of the office window next day. Couldn't do it.

After a week, I see that she is available on Facebook. Whaaat. I got really scared that she's unblocked only to yell at me that it's over as she told my friend she might do. However, no text, nothing, but unblocking.

I discovered no contact, watched 1000s of "how to get your ex back" videos, etc, not yet knowing that those things might work differently with pwBPDs.

On July 1, she unblocked me on Instagram, too. Her daily source of self-validation. I uploaded a story and she WATCHED IT! I couldn't believe it. But sticked to no contact -- well, except obsessively checking out her profile. Fun trips with friends? Check. Beachtime? Check. Sexy selfies? Check. I never once openly viewed her stories but well, via anonymous private sites... all the time. It was so hurtful that she is seemingly so over me and enjoys the good life. Also learned that she looves Instagram... even before we were together she's only moderately posted photos, but in July she went full crazy, basically broadcasting each days of her like the CNN.

Anything I uploaded though, she has watched it in July. What is this behavior about? Did she feel guilty? Was she just interested? Are these some co-morbid narcissistic traits? To stay in my mind, or openly disrespecting me, knowing that she'll hurt me by watching my stories? Or some kind of a smoke-signal that she feels shameful and I should contact her?

Anyways, I've done nothing, never watched her stories publicly, just pretended like she's dead.

Then, in early August, she stopped watching my stories. However, a fake user with my name has appeared on the day she stopped. Same family name, same given name. The user watches my stories, then blocks me and isn't available on Instagram. Then, I upload something again, the user becomes available, watches my story, then blocks me again. At first I thought it's simply a guy with my name. Then I realized how much she enjoyed stalking everyone and has burner accounts to do so. It's clearly her, but I don't know what her intentions are with it.
Last time I went to a bar with a female friend I uploaded a photo of our drinks, this "user" has watched it in every hour for 24 hours, watching it then blocking me, then watching it again. It's really unclear for me what her intentions are.
By the way, with her "real" IG profile she is much less active than in July, I wouldn't be surprised if she has found her next unlucky victim.

Plus, in August, I've finally realized that the problem was not me. First, I thought she is a covert narcissist and spent days studying that disorder, but then my therapist told me she shows more signs of BPD/EUPD and she's been suspecting it ever since we broke up, but as a professional, she didn't want to articulate it very much. My enormous sense of guilt regarding this particular relationship is slowly starting to fade away.

However, I know I owe my wife a sincere apology for what I have done to her. I am aware that what I've done is absolutely unacceptable and I will live with guilt regarding what I've caused her. I am truly remorseful and I clearly know that she won't and simply cannot "forgive" me, but I simply want her to know that the person who had done those things with her now sees things more clearly and will always be shameful for what he'd done.

So, here we are as of today.

I actually wanted to write down my story to ask this wonderful community for advices for what I should do, how to maybe reverse the break-up, but after writing and therefore internally re-experiencing everything, I don't think I have any questions regarding my story. I should probably move on and forget about this see-saw nightmare with this girl. It was really therapeutic to write all if this down, so even if no one of you replies, thank you all of you guys!

[kells76]

Hi nowaves;

Glad we could be a place for you to get a lot of thoughts and feelings out on paper. The door is always open for you to touch base here -- there are lots of invaluable tools and skills to learn and practice, not only for relationships with pwBPD, but that benefit every relationship. Most important is to keep working on yourself. It's good to hear you're in therapy and I'd like to encourage you to stick with that (I'm in therapy too -- lots of members and staff are). The more we learn about ourselves and what (often subconsciously) drives us, the healthier we can be in the future.

All the best;

kells76

[nowaves]

kells76
Thanks for welcoming me, I was so anxious and scared after sending my post that I'd be judged, your kind words felt so good! Thank you!

understandbpd
Well, for her, morals, ethics and rules are extremely important, and after what I've done, I'm pretty sure she is disappointed in me so much that she'd never want to talk to me again. Which is heartbreaking because we've been each other's best friends too, and that is lost as well thanks to my behavior.

[understandBPD]

Well, for her, morals, ethics and rules are extremely important, and after what I've done, I'm pretty sure she is disappointed in me so much that she'd never want to talk to me again. Which is heartbreaking because we've been each other's best friends too, and that is lost as well thanks to my behavior.

I feel the same way i wouldn't give someone who was unfaithful a chance ever that being said people are different have you still got feelings for your wife ? has the divorce happened already ? have you ever said that your sorry and asked if she would ever forgive you ?

[waverider]

I understand this, and the sequence of events that are all common in a BPD playbook. Attraction of competing for an attached person who is vulnerable. You are probably not the only member here who has been enticed down this path, and kudos for openly admitting it.

My personal opinion is you have probably done permanent damage to any relationship with your wife, which seemed to be lacking in the first place, and this BPD relationship is bad for you. Leaving a BPD relationship is not normally advised on this board, but I think you have already made the decision not to go down that path, and wisely so.

I think you may be better on the Detaching and Learning board, as bettering or reversing the BPD relationship would be ill advised. You probably need to do a lot of work on yourself so that you are in a better place and understanding what drives you and what your own weaknesses are that allowed you to go down this path

As an additional note if you have any hope of interacting with a pwBPD it is far better to not be drinking, and especially not drunk,. As wise decisions and reactions are not usually the result. You need your wits about you as you have demonstrated

[Pook075]

Hi Nowaves and welcome.  I think you posted in the wrong forum since it sounds like the relationship is over...or maybe you still want her back?  The advice would be the same either way though.

Your next step is to focus on yourself, work through therapy, and find yourself once again outside of a relationship.  There's tons of tools here that can help with that.

Likewise, you mentioned the "B Spectrun" and I wondered if you yourself have some BPD traits.  I mention this because you mentioned a few times that "the group" you were with reacted to your behavior, not just your ex.  I also felt a little curious when you mentioned your BPD girlfriend was sick but couldn't understand why she was upset with you not being there for her. 

No judgement from me, just genuine curiosity if you both weren't projecting a little bit at times.  You mentioned that we shouldn't worry, you're past that now with therapy, but it really is a lifelong journey learning to communicate and strengthen relationships.

In any case, I wish you luck and I hope you can make things right with your ex wife.  Despite what happened or who's fault it was, she was a good influence in your life and I hope you can get some of that back someday.

For your ex-girlfriend, things are more complicated.  I'm not going to judge her either, but my Christian views make it hard to root for anyone who would go out of their way to break up a marriage.  My gut instinct says that you should be more focused on your wife, but that's not for me to decide.  You have to start though with focusing on yourself and actually healing before jumping back in either relationship. 

I hope that helps.

[nowaves]

Hi understandbpd, waverider and Pook075!

Sorry it took me a few days to reply and thank you for your valuable replies and questions. I'm also grateful too for reading my lengthy story.

understandbpd: The divorce has happened in January. I still miss my ex-wife when it comes to many sublime, intellectual things only the two of us shared: whenever I listen to many genres of music I think of her and miss her. Whenever I walk on the streets and see people dressed in certain ways, I imagine what her remarks would be and miss her. Whenever I walk into my own apartment which I've designed in our shared taste, I think of her and miss her. Whenever I'm traveling, I imagine what it'd be with her, what she'd say to things we see, and miss her.
Does it mean I still have feelings for her as you ask? I don't know. It is strange though that I only started missing her 2-3 months after my relationship with BPD ex-girlfriend ended. That's why I'm constantly "inspecting" myself if I'm missing her only because I'm "out in the cold" because I've been thrown out like trash by BPDgirl so it's only a sign of codependency on my side, or is it because I still truly have feelings for her. I miss her regarding a myriad of things, that's for sure.
I will tell her I'm sorry. But it is going to be the most important e-mail of my life probably so I'm still thinking about what to write exactly. Plus it has been just a year now a few days ago since she moved away, and I want to give her time to heal, given that what I've done to her really does take time to heal. I don't want to upset her by seeing a mail from me. I've done enough wrong to her.
Although I know I have to do it in the foreseeable future as guilt is killing me, as I write these words now my hands are sweating like crazy and in my stomach I'm feeling like I'm falling from a tall building, and it has been like this for months since I've truly realized what I've done to her with this affair.
So, communicating my ex-wife that I'm sorry is a huge Catch 22 - I'm writing it because I'm truly remorseful for behaving how I never thought I'd behave -- but to a certain level, this letter is going to be selfish as well, as I'm writing it to ease my guilt. But at the same time I don't want to hurt her. But if I write it I will to a level... Ahhhh... It's so difficult, and a single "good" solution doesn't even exist.

waverider: Thank you for your reply in general! Well, I haven't really "made" that conscious decision yet to leave my relationship with this girl. Whenever the rational part of me takes over, I begin to understand this has been a bad relationship and I am able to write it down, sort of "intellectualizing" it. Then, the wounded, attached part of my psyche takes over and I'm still longing for her, still believing that she comes to her senses one day (hopefully soon) and that she was not a "walking personality disorder" but had human, healthy and lovable traits to her, which were genuinely her traits and not only a by-product of the idealization phase. I can't just "not see" her real values as a person, if we remove her BPD layer from her.

Pook075: Regarding Cluster B, last August after my first assessment in (schema) therapy, the therapist found that I tend to overcompensate my "defectiveness" schema (which is basically a belief that I'm less valuable, less lovable, an overall worse person than the others) by picking up narcissistic/self-aggrandizing behaviors in certain situations. I've done that in many cases in the past and I'm sure I've done that with BPD girl, triggering her hypersensitivity. But that's luckily really far away from NPD and it was a habit that was surprisingly easy to break once I've learned about it in therapy last August -- my healthy side just realized it's not cool to be moron and I'm a better person than that deep inside. So after we got together "officially" (last September), she could never see me behave that way.
I actually asked my therapist about BPD three days ago and she said I'm not even remotely close to it: although I tended to idealize my ex-partners and I am hypersensitive too but that's about it, the rest of the BPD checklist remains unchecked in my case.
So yes, maybe my overcompensating behaviors triggered her in certain cases, but around 90% of our incidents happened with her being mad or hurt by my behavior, then victimized herself and made a huge scene. I admit I must have reacted badly in certain cases, but in the vast majority of these incidents, I was just trying to defend my dignity and integrity against her insults. But I always ended up being villainized why she victimized herself.
I cannot even count how many times I've asked my best friend "Am I such a bad person? Do you think of me as a bad person as she sees me?" The answer was a straight no all the time. I've never thought of myself as a verbally violent, aggressive person she made me to slowly believe myself to be. I've been together for years with my ex-partners without a single argument and all of them thought of me as a pretty easy-going person. But maybe all of them were wrong and this single one girl is right, I'm a violent hateful moron. Haha. No.
(Regarding the "sick case": those were the last days of the relationship, when she saw me as someone who doesn't want to spend time with her and get close to her, although I did: I offered her to go to the pharmacy to buy medications, she denied it. I sat on the couch with her, she went stone cold and wanted to be alone. I lied next to her and watched a series, she said she would rather watch it alone -- I've tried to reconcile/warm her up but in those last days she denied everything I did, no matter what I've tried.)

So yeah, these sum up my thoughts on my replies. Btw, she behaves in a pretty weird and roller coaster-like way on Instagram nowadays (it is our "anniversary" today, a year ago we got together officially), and she shared something strange a few days ago, but that's another topic so I'll probably start another thread with my thoughts on that one.

Thank you all again <3

[nowaves]

And Pook075, yes, given my circumstances, I'm not about to jump back to either relationship and the only one I focus on is myself and my therapy -- the only thing I pretty much do is learning about myself, developing my self-consciousness which was pretty much on level 0 until last year and I try to understand my past so I can learn about my mistakes. I put all my energy into only myself since months. It's going to be worth it. And I feel like it's worth it even by now.