uBPD mother and the fear of death

[Zoe Fun-loving]

My uBPD mum is terrified of death and the "decay" of her physical body and mental health. This reflected in how she's raised my sister and I. I never lacked of health care services growing up (quite the opposite), but I was made to think that if I wasn't completely on guard with everything at any time, something terrible and deadly would happen. You can imagine what it did to my nervous system. Only now, after 10 years of space and a life I'm happy with, am I starting to tackle my terrors of various kinds of possible premature deaths.

Can anyone resonate with this?

[kells76]

Interesting question, thanks for bringing it up.

I can share that in our experience (my H's kids' mom has many BPD traits and behaviors), what tipped me off was that whenever H or I would make some joke or comment about us getting old or being old/older, the kids (especially older SD) would instantly come back with "You're not old!" or "That's not old!" etc. Neither H nor I has ever had an issue with getting older or aging, so I suspect that it was a conditioned response the kids would have to Mom.

While I can only guess as to why aging or getting older would be a triggering area where she would "require" soothing from others, maybe it has to do with loss of control. You can try to control relationships, perceptions, etc, but we have no control over how we naturally age or when we naturally die -- or when we accidentally die. It's out of our hands in a way that we can't "talk our way out of".

But if the kids' mom can control others' responses to her aging, then that brings it kind of back into her control. It's my best guess.

It is interesting that you, too, were roped into managing and participating in your mom's triggers and fears. It's one thing for an individual to work with a certain fear -- we all have them -- and it's another thing to enlist others, especially children, in having the same fear.

Maybe that's another facet of it -- "you must be like me" and if I fear something, you must fear it too, as we are fused.

What has the process looked like for you, so far, to tackle those fears of accidental/early death?

[Methuen]

I was made to think that if I wasn't completely on guard with everything at any time, something terrible and deadly would happen.

Yes, this resonates.

I think a lot of us can relate to the catastrophizing.  I've had to re-educate myself and retrain myself to use my WISEMIND to counter this, because it was just normal.  First I had to learn it wasn't normal, then I had to figure out how to not catastrophize myself.  I'm much better now, but it's probably going to be lifelong learning.

I was in my 50's before it dawned on me that many of mom's thoughts and reactions were "extreme".  Now when she tells me someone is dying of cancer, I know better.  I know that there is a 99% chance they are NOT dying, and the issue might not even be cancer.

That's just an example.  

Another example might be someone was in a car accident and almost died.  In fact, they probably had a fender bender and a few bruises.

There is often a kernel of truth, blown completely out of proportion.  Much like her emotions - which are also extreme (X100).

As for her own health and how she sees herself, there seems to be a lack of awareness.  She is decrepit - losing her sight and hearing, lost her sense of smell, can't walk, can't stand up straight, is frail, heart issues, bone issues, stomach issues, clinically frail, uses a walker for short distances, multiple falls blah blah blah, but she's never going into assisted living because "that's where old people go to die".  She actually seems to have little awareness of how decrepit she is, OR, she's in complete denial about it, because she likes to talk about what terrible condition some of her friends are in. Yet they still cook for themselves, garden, drive, do road trips... These are the same friends that she FOGS into caretaking her, and yet they are so much "worse" than she is.  It's completely irrational.  

When we were leaving the country 5 years ago to a different hemisphere "I could DIE while you are gone!"

Before we go on any road trip, "you're just waiting for me to die!", followed or preceded by "You don't love me!".  

When she's feeling low, or sick:  "I just want to die".

I don't know if she's actually AFRAID of death.  She might be, but I'm 101% convinced she's more afraid of being "left alone" than she is of death, although she might be afraid of that too.  Just not as much as being "abandoned".

Dying and death is a theme in her everyday language, but I think it's used to manipulate people into doing what she wants them to do.  Before our last trip, there were multiple trips to the emergency room, and text and email bombs about how sick she was, and a phone message that she "wanted to die".  We went on our trip.

But 8 years ago, we cancelled a big trip we had been planning for a year because of her declared illness.  At that time, I believed her.  Again, there was a kernel of truth.  It wasn't anywhere near worthy of cancelling a big trip we had planned with our children.  Thinking about it now, it's just incredible how selfish she was to take that trip away from us. Looking back, I can see how narcissistic she was to get me to do that.  I took the bait then.  I don't anymore.

I don't think about death. I don't see the point.  If I die, others will have to deal with it.  If I become sick with something like cancer, I will deal with it if and when it happens.  

Apart from health, in the day to day little things that go wrong, I tend to first catastrophize, and then I have to "think it through" and pull myself back to the present, and work through logical possibilities and explanations.  This business of nurturing my WISEMIND, is something I've been working on for a few years now.  It is getting better, but after a lifetime with my mom, I still seem to default to worse case scenarios.  So I can fully empathize with the tendancy to "be completely on guard with everything at any time, believing that something terrible and deadly would happen".  Their primary emotion is FEAR, and it is extremely important to them that we also share fear, and feel it like they do.  What a thing to want to pass on.  This is part of why it's a "disorder".

Like Kells76 says:

It is interesting that you, too, were roped into managing and participating in your mom's triggers and fears. It's one thing for an individual to work with a certain fear -- we all have them -- and it's another thing to enlist others, especially children, in having the same fear.  Maybe that's another facet of it -- "you must be like me" and if I fear something, you must fear it too, as we are fused.

Exactly. Exactly!  My mom really tried to do this with me. It worked as far as the daily catastrophizing goes, but in terms of health, I have chosen a very different path of "being".  She doesn't approve of anything I do that doesn't fit with "her way of thinking or being".  I am doing everything possible to make decisions to avoid going down the "decripit" path she went down.  I suppose I can have gratitude that she has specifically taught me what I don't want to be, and how NOT to end up where she is.  Thankfully, I can learn from her mistakes, even if she can't. 

[TelHill]

My dBPD mother (untreated by choice) says the same. I'm going to die or be attacked if I leave the house under any circumstances -- day or night. The exception to this is if I go shopping for groceries or other necessities during the day.  Going out to a cafe or a meal at a restaurant during the day is entering dangerous territory. 

This was part of the reason she didn't allow me to have friends as a child. I would be harmed on the way to the play date or at the little girl's house. She was the original mother to sound the 'stranger danger' alarm, a decade before any other parent(!) and with no evidence to support her claims.

I never learned how to swim though I wanted to take lessons in grammar school because she thought I would drown.

It was a source of trouble as my mother would yell and be extremely agitated. It was really much ado about nothing. Am still unlearning this! Glad you brought this up, Zoe Funloving.

[Methuen]

My dBPD mother (untreated by choice) says the same. I'm going to die or be attacked if I leave the house under any circumstances -- day or night. The exception to this is if I go shopping for groceries or other necessities during the day.  Going out to a cafe or a meal at a restaurant during the day is entering dangerous territory.  

This was part of the reason she didn't allow me to have friends as a child. I would be harmed on the way to the play date or at the little girl's house. She was the original mother to sound the 'stranger danger' alarm, a decade before any other parent(!) and with no evidence to support her claims.

I never learned how to swim though I wanted to take lessons in grammar school because she thought I would drown.

My mom did allow me to have friends, but the threat of “bad men” and stranger danger was present. I think the fear of threat or danger drlled into us through our formative years is a symptom of their trauma.  My mom was abused by her father as a child, and the level of fear for survival was ever present in her FOO, including for life and limb..  They carry that fear into adulthood and it permeates their entire personality.  I could be wrong, but when fear is that strong that they deny swimming lessons, I suspect that they think they are protecting their child.  It’s twisted to us, but not to them. The problem is with the extremity and irrationality. And the lack of empathy - they can’t see it from their child’s point of view.  They also lack the ability to reflect on their own actions and question their own behavior.  This is harmful to their children.  They raised us in a sea of fear.

Huh I wonder if it’s the deficit of feeling safe (coming from trauma exposure), that somehow contributes to their narcissism?  

This thread is making me grateful that after being raised by them, we still have the ability to think critically and question- unlike them.  They think and make decisions with their emotions whereas we have the ability to think rationally.  

[TelHill]

Methuen, I agree that my mother was trying to prevent trauma to me. I don't know if she had SA. I assume she was groped by a group of males. She freaks out when walking by groups of boys or men. I was groped by a man in her village 10 yrs ago. I gave him a shove and ran. I told my father and he some men think it's acceptable to do that. You're supposed to slap them and tell their wives. I told his wife. It felt good!

There's so many areas of being raised by a bpd mother gave me a warped sense of life. It's great to hear from other people there's another area to look at to heal from it. It helps to see the 20 foot monster I assumed was there  is not one at all.

It could be that the fear exacerbates bpd symptoms or it's the bpd/narcissism need for perfection in themselves drives them to control death, illness, danger and decay. Who knows!