I am litterally about to lose it and explode. Please help

[jrharvey]

I think I have hit the end of any tolerance I had in this marriage. I am so incredibly angry right now. Im so raging. I dont know what to do. We are staying with my wife's family right now and just a few days ago she decides its a good time to make a really big deal out of a facebook group I am on (joined a year ago) but I dont even use or respond to. Its just a travel forum. Im not exagerating that 80% of the posters are men. There is nothing on there to be even a tiny bit jealous of. Its all completely innocent questions and answers. She gets super aggresive and starts being disrespectful telling me I have no reason to be part of this group and that If I stay on there I am going to talk back and forth to other women. We go back and forth, I tell her I would never do anything wrong etc... but like typical it escalates to her yelling at me in a coffee shop. People are litterally turning around to look. She hammers me hard about how I ALWAYS talk to other girls and how I am so naive I will just "chit chat" (her words) with other women and accidently fall into bed with them. Jesus christ. First none of that was true. For years I have been almost exclusively communicating strictly with men because of how insanely jealous she gets. Either way that argument goes from morning until sunrise the next day. Mostly because she kept saying that "she feels like" I talk to girls all the time and I kept saying... "This is not about a feel or not". This is about facts and whether or not the REALITY of the situation is true or false. I kept telling her to give me any evidence at all for this completely false statement. She couldnt come up with anything other than the typical gaslighting or manipulation in other ways.

The next day she seemed back to normal. I let it go, she let it go and we moved on. Fast forward a few days and we are at her parents house. All of a sudden I see she has joined this group and responded to 4 different men giving long drawn out responses. None of it was "bad" but I was extremely angry that I got the emotional beating of a lifetime for simply being part of a forum where I dont use it then seeing her actively pushing to do the very thing that she raged at me for.

Im not going to lie that I got VERY angry and I came down hard on her. Lets just say there was a lot of yelling and screaming because she didnt accept a single thing about what she had done wrong. To be honest she looked to be enjoying the whole thing with her parents so worried about our arguments and she can use it to point the finger at me that I am the jealous crazy guy.

At this point the argument has been about 24 hours. Every time she comes into contact with me she says something snarky and we explode. She has 0% ethical or moral value at this point. Its clear she tries to push buttons.

I tried to leave and get a hotel but everything around is booked. I come back home and ask her to let me in. She stands at the door and starts yelling at me about how I was being disrespectful and refuses to unlock the door and walks away. So I am super pissed and start knocking on the door of course waking her parents up. Once again I look like the crazy person. I told them what happend but I honestly dont know what they think.

At this point I am raging. I am shaking I am so angry. I dont know what to do. I am so pissed she has manipulated me into this position of looking bad in front of her parents. I really need to get out of this toxic cycle. I dont know why I continue to deal with this over and over and over.

I didnt really have a question I guess. More just venting. Anyone that wants to help it would be much appreciated.

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[CravingPeace]

Man this is such a tough one. I really feel for you, I have felt the same way and it is so absolutely hard. The anger makes it very hard to see straight.

I strongly recommend you take some time out to just breathe and recover. DO not engage in any arguments, any defense, any accusations, any explaining.

She "feels" like you are on there for other women. Facts are irrelevant. Or maybe some other feeling came up outside this that you are talking with women, and she is using this as the excuse to confront you. Maybe you innocently smiled at a women at the grocery store? Maybe you said hello to someone you didnt know. Who knows. But her thought patterns are destroying her mind.

When she first accused you of chatting to women what did you say? Did you defend/explain or JADE? See jade in the tips section.

What really helps me is to know if my wife was calling me a pink elephant would I explain or defend? No. I would reassure her. I would say I am not a pink elephant and I love you.

In this case I would say "Wow if I thought you were talking to other men on a forum I would lose it! I love you and I am no way chatting to other women".

Do not ask her her to prove you are, do not defend it, do not explain it. Just show empathy. Confirm you love her, and then state the truth.

If she keeps going on. I would say I have explained I love you, and I am not chatting to other women. I am not going to engage in this anymore.

If she gets angry. Say I am sorry this is not good for us, I am going to take a 15 minute break for you to calm down and we can come back to it then.

This stuff is unbelievably hard. I have not been here long but learning alot and putting JADE into practice has really helped.

I wish you all the best. But please please try to respond not to react.

Take a few deep breaths, show empathy.

[Rev]

Hey Harvey,

Just weighing in here to support you. The dynamics you describe are rather similar to my own in the day - right down to the irrational jealously and being dressed down in public.

A also hear some remorse in you - that somehow there is something untoward with you getting angry. I would invite you to consider that anger serves a useful purpose - and you have said it - you are at the end of your rope.  Anger is a an emotion of defense - we naturally get angry when we are attacked. Because anger is the one emotion that turns our aggression outwards (as opposed to extreme sadness which is turned inwards) it is an emotion that carries a lot taboos. This is especially true in men.

I would suggest that you do what you need to do to protect yourself psychologically - and while showing empathy will help you from lashing out - self protection is ultimately what will help you from overstepping your boundaries.

One exercise you can take yourself through is to plan ahead - if A happens you will do and say B.  If C happens you will do and say D.  And so on ....

I would encourage you also to share here what you might do to put out a psychological safety plan.   We could help you with that.

What do you think?

Rev

[kells76]

Hey jrharvey,

Really glad you knew you could turn to us today for support. So many of us here understand what it's like to be shaking with anger and to feel pushed past our limits. It's just too much to take sometimes.

How is tonight looking for you -- you mentioned hotels aren't available, so I'm wondering what the next options on your list are? Anywhere you can get space for yourself?

Keep us posted -- we're listening.

[Rev]

Hey jrharvey,

Really glad you knew you could turn to us today for support. So many of us here understand what it's like to be shaking with anger and to feel pushed past our limits. It's just too much to take sometimes.

How is tonight looking for you -- you mentioned hotels aren't available, so I'm wondering what the next options on your list are? Anywhere you can get space for yourself?

Keep us posted -- we're listening.

Hey jrharvey

Just popping back in to see how you are doing.

Hang in there.

Rev

[Skip]

Im not going to lie that I got VERY angry and I came down hard on her. Lets just say there was a lot of yelling and screaming because she didnt accept a single thing about what she had done wrong. To be honest she looked to be enjoying the whole thing with her parents so worried about our arguments and she can use it to point the finger at me that I am the jealous crazy guy.

At this point the argument has been about 24 hours. Every time she comes into contact with me she says something snarky and we explode. She has 0% ethical or moral value at this point. Its clear she tries to push buttons.

What is this all about??

Johhny Cash sang in Folsum Prison Blues “I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die”.

What a shocking line that was to me the first time I heard it. Would someone actually kill someone just to watch them die? Why? I'd never consider doing that. I can't imagine...

Killings are thought to give murderers a feeling of power. It's the weak find power.

Could the lyrics have been  “I pushed a man's buttons in Reno just to see him lose it”.

I'm not comparing anything your wife did to being evil or as dark as a murderer. I am suggesting what may be behind her untored behavior. Subconsciously, the weak find power. That is likely what her little smile was about.

In the bigger picture, she doesn't want you break you, she wants you to be able to handle her bad behavior without cracking. If you can handle her, you can also handle any women who comes along and temps your. She wants you to be strong and undisturbed by her behavior - especially her bad behavior that she knows ruins her life - she wants to know your aren't going to run away.

Complicated. Oh yes.

Eric Berne wrote the theory of transactional analysis and it speaks to how we are all hardwired to play games in relationships. He studied transactions such as you and your wife had over that several day period. Human nature is so complicated.

Anyway, right now it's best to seek a safe emotional state and I would do what you know will help you get back to chill as Rev and Kells suggest.

We can then help you get stronger and learn to better avoid (or minimize) such emotionally devastating situations like the one above.

Here is a 45 second jingle to help remember the "weak get power" concept next time you are facing a button pushing.


Date: 1969Minutes: 0:45
Folsum Prison Blues

CravingPeace, I commend you on what you have learned. Solid advice.

[Collaguazo]

Jealousy is one of the worst things of BPD. It’s so frustrating because it can be so irrational and they put you in an impossible position.

One time I got verbally abused so bad because I told her that I had a funeral of my friend’s father. She was convinced I was attending and I quote “to have sex with all the girls over there”

How can you even respond to that? There is no technique in this world that would make things better.

I

[SaltyDawg]

I would respond by saying, "That's not true.  I only have eyes for you."

I would ignore the accusation, and reassure her that my interest is only in her.  Works most of the time, but not all for me.

I've been told "you are f***ing all of the moms!" when I would take my tot daughter on playdates in a public park.  I only met those moms in public spaces (library or parks) to not give any indication of impropriety lest I visit one of their homes, which I absolutely avoided like the plague.