So difficult

[Staymum]

I just joined this group. My 31 yo daughter has this borderline disorder. She says so many mean things I've been so Sad for days. I feel like I have to stay away from her for self preservation and that makes me more sad. I don't think now I will ever have a normal relationship with her ever and add grief to sad. It's overwhelming me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hi Staymum and welcome.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I wish there were some magical words that would make this better for you.  Unfortunately, there's not.

Let me ask a few questions- does your daughter live with you?  Or live nearby?  How do you usually communicate (in person, text, calls, etc)?  You'd probably get different advice based on where and how interactions take place.

What I can tell you is that I've been down this road with my 25 year old BPD daughter and it was almost a decade of nightmares.  But things did get better, when my daughter was finally ready to get better, and you can someday have a pretty normal relationship.  Unfortunately though, this is on her timelines....not yours.

Your #1 priority right now should be focusing on yourself and allowing yourself to heal from the abuse you've suffered.  That means developing healthy boundaries where you don't just accept abuse and pretend that it's okay.  She can't talk to you that way, nor can she blame her problems on you.  From this moment forward, that's off limits.  No more!

Right now the short term goal is for you to begin to heal, which means limiting contact to positive conversations and getting back to the real you in every other aspect of life.  That means more time with friends and family, more hobbies and other stuff you love to do, and simply some "you time" to ground yourself and refocus your life.

Notice I haven't talked about your daughter so far at all- that's because this is not about her.  This is about you.  Your daughter has a mental health challenge that makes her manipulative and mean...two traits that are not acceptable to you any longer.  Again, no more! 

Your daughter will get better through therapy once she's ready to take therapy seriously, and that could be next month, next year, or 20 years from now.  You have zero control over that- you control your life, she controls hers.  You can't fix her, help her, guide her, or any of those things while she's being abusive, so it's essential that for now, you pull back and let her live her life. 

Because here's the thing, every time she treats you poorly and you just accept it, that's enabling even worse behavior the next time.  That's no good for anyone and it must stop.  Check out the sticky threads along the top of the page for some guidance on where to start changing your conversations and how to protect yourself from her worst.

I hope this helps- my heart goes out to you!  But it will get better over time as long as you finally decide that your needs are more important than your daughter's.

[Staymum]

Thank you pook075 I really appreciate your reply. I'm having a hard time navigating this and don't know if you will get this reply could you let me know?

[Pook075]

Thank you pook075 I really appreciate your reply. I'm having a hard time navigating this and don't know if you will get this reply could you let me know?

Hi Staymum.  I did get your reply, thank you! 

If you're still struggling with direction, please ask some questions so everyone here can give you some direct feedback. 

Also, did you have a chance to look at some of the topics under "tips" and "tools" along the very top of this web page?  They are invaluable in helping you find better ways to communicate with your BPD daughter.

[Staymum]

No I didn't do that yet but I will. Thank you.

[Pook075]

No I didn't do that yet but I will. Thank you.

Not a problem at all.  Just let us know how we can help, or what you're struggling with today.