BPD Christmas blahs

[BPDstinks]

I will take ANY opinion, in stride...I am OBSESSED with this scenario...quick version, 23 BPD daughter cut ties with my husband, me, & her sister (yet, oddly, reaches out to my mother!)  I have BEAUTIFUL Christmas gifts...mail them? hold them "ransom", I truly do not know what to do & am feeling anxious, sickly and very, very sad at the thought of mailing my daughter (this will be our first Christmas EVER apart) gifts.  THOUGHTS

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SaltyDawg]

I will take ANY opinion, in stride...I am OBSESSED with this scenario...quick version, 23 BPD daughter cut ties with my husband, me, & her sister (yet, oddly, reaches out to my mother!)  I have BEAUTIFUL Christmas gifts...mail them? hold them "ransom", I truly do not know what to do & am feeling anxious, sickly and very, very sad at the thought of mailing my daughter (this will be our first Christmas EVER apart) gifts.  THOUGHTS

BPDstinks,

   This is a gut feeling for me, as my wife's mother is someone my daughter holds dear, and she still idolizes.  I have no logical or rational explanation for this other than my 'gut' feeling; however, since you asked for ANY opinion here it is:  Send the gifts over to your mother, and have your mother give them to her on your behalf - and if your daughter's opinion of you and your spouse softens, perhaps your mother can call you over (if you are close enough in distance or are in the area) to do some reconciliation.

   Another thought, is to send a small gift, with a card, and a note using good communication techniques, indicate she is welcome any time, and you have more gifts that you would like to give her in person.

   Both of these can be seen as manipulative; however, perhaps less so from your mother.

   What are your thoughts on this?

   Remember to take care with self-care.

SD

[CC43]

Hi, I've been in the same situation with my stepdaughter with BPD.  My advice would be for you to extend your daughter an invitation to your home for Christmas, as you would for any other extended family member.  You could text her an invitation and say it's OK with you if she decides to make other plans.  I wouldn't mention the gifts, because that sounds like a bribe.  Even so, you could buy and wrap the gifts with the positive expectation that she'll come (I'm doing that this year).  If she shows up and acts civilly towards you, you might even have a wonderful Christmas together.  But please do not beg her--that gives her control.  If she doesn't reply to your invitation, even if that's rude, don't pester her, beg her, or try to confirm that she got your invitation, because she's silently telling you she doesn't want to engage.  With this approach, your daughter faces the consequences of her decision.  If she doesn't come, she loses the opportunity to spend a joyful time with family and exchange gifts.  That's her choice.  If she makes that choice, you could return the gifts or just put them away for another time or another person.  And don't let that outcome ruin your Christmas.  It's probably better that she doesn't show up unwillingly and have a massive meltdown, ruining it for you and everyone else.  Tell yourself that she's made other plans that were better for her at this moment.

Mailing her the gifts could be deemed "enabling" and "rewarding" your daughter for cutting you out and not being civil with family members during the holidays.  She might even sell the gifts for cash, or return them in a gesture of rejection; both scenarios have happened with my diagnosed BPD stepdaughter.  Of course I do mail some relatives gifts, but that's in the typical scenario of them living out of state and making their own plans for Christmas.  Your case doesn't sound like that.

I wish you happy holidays.

[Sasha77]

Hi,
I am in the same boat… my advice is to hold onto the gifts. Think about it as putting a bookmark in a book and setting it aside for right now. Hopefully things will change, but if right now she asked you not to contact her I wouldn’t… and this time of year ii’s so hard to do that, and so confusing.
If you have other family/friends you are celebrating the holidays with, try to focus on them and amp up your self-care!
January is around the corner!
If you really don’t want to set them aside, you could go through your mom or sent a quick text inviting her for the holiday, but be mentally prepared for any response.
Wishing you peace!