I've debated on reaching out to this community for a while so that I would lean less on the people around me-- they've spent hours helping me manage thoughts and define goals. That said, I hope I'm posting in the correct forum.
I somehow missed BPD traits my ex-fiance had. We were together for four years and engaged for roughly 1 year and 11 months. We were supposed to get married this month. I think she was a quiet type, there was never an outburst or a meltdown. It was silent treatments, passive aggression, and sometimes she would smear me in private. That last one bothers me the most because I had caught her a handful of times and thought that it was probably just that-- maybe a handful of statements she made to people who liked me. But I may be wrong here.
It was hard to know if it was me or not because the last year or so she had been struggling with depression. We had argued a handful of times about treatment, but she refused and would get angry with me when I'd recommend therapy. She was more than happy to take medication, but that didn't seem to change things. She isolated more, withdrew more, and turned away from me. She would say things like "You never do this" or "I always have to do this" which may have some truth in it, but I was also working 60ish hours a week across 3 jobs to make sure I secured my licensure and could pay for our life together. one of those jobs required me to do two 12hr shifts overnight. I was burning myself out, sacrificed two summers to hustle and make enough money to give her the wedding and honeymoon she wanted. And in the end, I was called selfish.
That last piece kills me. I used to commute 7 hours to visit her for a day (I lived a state away). I moved out here to help her and her friends when their lease fell through, and when her friends dropped out or vanished I was okay paying more in rent (we still went 50/50). I then fought to transfer my license to this state, so she could live near her mother. And when her mother decided to leave the country, I helped them move and let them take over our garage and part of our house for free storage-- all while giving her brother 6 months of rent-free living cause his mom bailed on him (none of which I was ever thanked for). I supported and pushed her through her Masters. She had expectations for our engagement, and I met them-- she got a beautiful ring well beyond anything she expected-- engraved without favorite words to each other.
Roughly 3 months ago I came home and it all ended. Something had felt off, and I suspected cheating-- but just couldn't tell. I asked her what was wrong, and she didn't want to talk about it cause she wasn't ready she said. I pressed it, and she eventually said she wanted to take a break. That I was always negative, that I was lazy, that I was selfish, etc. I pressed for what she wanted, but she didn't know-- 1 to 3 months of no contact. She wanted to move out, but she wanted us to live together until our lease ran out (2 months from then). I asked her for the difference between that and a breakup, and she had no answer. She didn't know anything. So I snapped, my abandonment wounds fired, and I got frustrated. Mind you, I never called her names-- but I'm sure I shamed her. I pointed out how she had led me to this point, how much I had invested, how she had introduced me as her husband to others, how she had called my father "dad", and several other things I don't need to express. I asked her if she cheated, and she denied it.
I left that night, and came back the next morning on fire still. Told her that I wanted to hate her but couldn't, that I wanted her out of my life. That after this I never want to see her again. I'm going to be gone by the end of the week. etc. She opted to move into the office and I took the master. I got drunk that night cause I couldn't sleep, and broke some random
PLEASE READ in the back yard-- the glass cups I had purchased for my groomsmen.
The next day I had a come to Jesus moment, and tried to reconcile. I offered everything she wanted but asked that we keep contact and figure
PLEASE READ out. She had given me the things she wanted me to change, and I said I would. But she had already signed a lease before she came home, she said she had become afraid of me. We talked a bit, she said she still loved me. I asked her if I was still the man she wanted to marry, she said yes. She said she needed time, but that she wanted to be able to reach out to me, because she wanted to see. She gave no timeline, no dates, and said she didn't want to promise that she would. This was pretty
PLEASE READed up. She was gone 5 days later.
She had said I could text her still, but that she wouldn't reply if she didn't want to. I texted her good night and good morning every day for a week. And then stopped. I went low contact while I more or less packed and cleaned the house solo. Eventually she showed up to move some things, and she was with a guy she had said she stopped talking to two years ago. I was kind, ignored the red flag, helped her move some stuff, and continued working on the house. I didn't fight her on things she took, she even took some of my things. I let it go. I let it all go, and finished the house solo. I didn't ask for compensation, nor did I expect it honestly. We had some short exchanges via text, and I said if she ever needed me reach out and that I looked forward to seeing her again sometime. I've been no contact since then, roughly sixty days ago.
I landed on my two feet in a luxury apartment with what little I got out of the breakup. Quit the side job bull
PLEASE READ, and rolled into 100k a year, lost 40lbs and got back into rock climbing and mountaineering. I'm very active now, more so than previously. I also have my own weekly therapy. I've heard through the grape vine that her leaving didn't improve her mood, that she still acts miserable. She removed me off most Social Media but forgot, or intentionally, left me on Tiktok. She did not remove mutual friends and former acquittances. Which sucks cause she's taken to posting about me once Facebook-- something about how I didn't invest in her or something. She still sees that guy, in fact she made a point of taking him out to a place I took her for our anniversary, and tagging him in a post I think to get to me, (but I don't know-- a friend told me about it). and later she began passive aggressive reposts on Tiktok where I think she knows I can see them. The most recent ones she posted was about how much waiting hurts-- but letting go is harder.
Honestly, a lot of this doesn't bother me. The dude looks like he ate every pound I lost, and he used to be a cop but now is a mechanic. That would be a weird regression if she was honestly dating him, but they used to be good friends so I don't know. I thought I would be more jealous, but its more of an annoyance at the childishness of it all.
I'm sort of waiting, to see where it all goes. 3 months post break up, 2 months no contact, and I feel like
PLEASE READ.
Which gets to the kicker, this is my life. I somehow created this, and I still love this girl. In all my time with her, I've never seen her act out like this, never seen her implode to this level. I know all her horrors and she knows mine, but even after this I still love her-- and that feels like it says so much about my own failings.
You might be wondering why it says "family with BPD". My ex isn't dx with BPD, I just see the traits, know the history-- and I was thinking if she was a client of mine-- I'd be eyeing that diagnosis harshly right now. But my mother is dxBPD, and my mother is the classic abusive, insane form of it. Not quiet, but hateful. Her and I have been no contact off and on again 15 years, our most recent stretch due to how she treated my now ex.
And right now, it feels like 30 some odd years of my life now revolves around cluster B personality traits.
So I'm tired, and over life. Not in the suicidal planning kind of way, but boy does it inspire the thoughts. And now that I've written this, especially these last paragraphs, I'm going to go to the gym and take a deep breath.