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BPDFamily.com
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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
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Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
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Smirking
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Topic: Smirking (Read 690 times)
CravingPeace
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 181
Smirking
«
on:
December 30, 2023, 03:19:18 PM »
Tried to search but only found answers of pwBPD /NPD smirking but i am getting the other way around. She will be dressing me down (where I am not allowed to speak or respond without enraging her) and then she tells me to stop smirking. At the time I am just sitting listening to the accusations and her various problems with me. Does anyone else ever get this accusation of smirking? How do I handle this?
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Trying123
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Re: Smirking
«
Reply #1 on:
December 30, 2023, 06:09:24 PM »
I get the same accusation from my pwbpd. He generally just continues his speech after that so I don’t really have any suggestions on how to handle it. I used to deny that’s what I was doing but that never worked well in the moment, so I started ignoring the comment.
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campbembpd
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 89
Re: Smirking
«
Reply #2 on:
December 31, 2023, 03:01:26 PM »
Quote from: CravingPeace on December 30, 2023, 03:19:18 PM
Tried to search but only found answers of pwBPD /NPD smirking but i am getting the other way around. She will be dressing me down (where I am not allowed to speak or respond without enraging her) and then she tells me to stop smirking. At the time I am just sitting listening to the accusations and her various problems with me. Does anyone else ever get this accusation of smirking? How do I handle this?
Yes! Happens often during one of her (my wife, pwuBPD) episodes of exactly what you said - accusing me of something, dressing me down, etc. I'm sitting there listening, really just trying to be non-emotional but hearing her and she'll ask me why I'm smirking in a mean tone.
I'm new to understanding what BPD is at all so I myself am diving into trying to understand what I need to do during the splitting episode. I've stated something like I'm not smirking, I'm listening to what you have to say. But sometimes that seems to spiral down another rabbit hole where she insists I'm smirking, being judgmental or she knows I'm thinking something negative about her.
I hope others chime in because I too would like to know what to do!
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waverider
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Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same
Re: Smirking
«
Reply #3 on:
January 01, 2024, 02:33:12 AM »
Not reacting frustrates a pwBPD, so she wants you to react. This sends you into justifying, this immediately shifts you on to the defensive, which she takes as validation of your guilt of whatever she desires.
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Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
EyesUp
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Re: Smirking
«
Reply #4 on:
January 01, 2024, 10:23:08 AM »
I was often accused of smirking by my uBPDxw…
In my case, a sincere response to absurd behavior was not welcome or helpful. Like many other things, it was a trigger on top of whatever had already triggered her - invalidation of whatever she was angry about.
Even subtle displays of unexpected behavior can be threatening, so a bemused response to an infantile tantrum is, in fact, an insult.
In my case, it was better to practice greyrock, provide some basic validation, and gently step away.
Rebuilding my ability to have unguarded responses is a work in process. One thing my uBPDxw gave me was a semi-permanent poker face.
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CravingPeace
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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 181
Re: Smirking
«
Reply #5 on:
January 01, 2024, 11:50:25 AM »
Quote from: EyesUp on January 01, 2024, 10:23:08 AM
Even subtle displays of unexpected behavior can be threatening, so a bemused response to an infantile tantrum is, in fact, an insult.
In my case, it was better to practice greyrock, provide some basic validation, and gently step away.
Rebuilding my ability to have unguarded responses is a work in process. One thing my uBPDxw gave me was a semi-permanent poker face.
Thanks all. It makes perfect sense and good to hear this is a trend. Comment above really relates. Today for example I walked into the room and smiled at her to say hi. She asked why i was laughing. I saod I wasnt just smiling to say hi. She said "oh i wasnt trying to make you defensive". Its like she tries to distablise me and get a reaction for the smallest things that to anyone else would be a simple smile. I remmeber when we first met she used to constantly ask me what was wrong. Even when nothing was wrong. But being asked that made me question my mood and often did make me wonder if somethinf was wrong. Its infuriating.I think much of this has made me naturally defensive now and I need to work out how not to be. I think its going to take me some years woth a decent therapist!
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SaltyDawg
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Relationship status: BPDw in preliminary remission w/ continual progress
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Re: Smirking
«
Reply #6 on:
January 02, 2024, 03:21:05 AM »
Quote from: waverider on January 01, 2024, 02:33:12 AM
Not reacting frustrates a pwBPD, so she wants you to react. This sends you into justifying, this immediately shifts you on to the defensive, which she takes as validation of your guilt of whatever she desires.
waverider is right, unless, you know this, and then you can do something about it...
I get the 'smirking' accusations too - I am emotionally neutral, most of the time. Now that she is aware of it, working with a couple's counselor, I tell the T the same thing when my uBPDw tells the T that I have this smirk.
I calmly explain 'gray rock' and will offer to revisit the topic the following morning [when she is regulated - my wife has a soft reset for her sleep cycles], and she knows the argument will end when I say this, if she pursues it, I will leave the room. I've made a boundary where I have put myself in control on how much circular argument, word salad, I am willing to tolerate (usually 2 circles, occasionally 3 if there is enough variation in her approach). I will not validate the invalid; I will validate the valid though. It is quite empowering, to temporarily stonewall a borderline with gray rock when they become dysregulated. I used to go around in circles with rage from her for hours and hours, now it is shut down in about 10 minutes before it can escalate any further.
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campbembpd
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 89
Re: Smirking
«
Reply #7 on:
January 02, 2024, 03:41:18 PM »
Quote from: SaltyDawg on January 02, 2024, 03:21:05 AM
waverider is right, unless, you know this, and then you can do something about it...
I get the 'smirking' accusations too - I am emotionally neutral, most of the time. Now that she is aware of it, working with a couple's counselor, I tell the T the same thing when my uBPDw tells the T that I have this smirk.
I calmly explain 'gray rock' and will offer to revisit the topic the following morning [when she is regulated - my wife has a soft reset for her sleep cycles], and she knows the argument will end when I say this, if she pursues it, I will leave the room. I've made a boundary where I have put myself in control on how much circular argument, word salad, I am willing to tolerate (usually 2 circles, occasionally 3 if there is enough variation in her approach). I will not validate the invalid; I will validate the valid though. It is quite empowering, to temporarily stonewall a borderline with gray rock when they become dysregulated. I used to go around in circles with rage from her for hours and hours, now it is shut down in about 10 minutes before it can escalate any further.
#goals - I'm still getting sucked in. It's been all day today. And yes she HATES it that I'm so calm. She says often in the middle that if I cared I would show some reaction. I tell her I don't like being yelled at or swearing and she says that's how people fight! She says if I had any passion for her I'd fight like that too! I never do.
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SaltyDawg
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: BPDw in preliminary remission w/ continual progress
Posts: 1310
Re: Smirking
«
Reply #8 on:
January 02, 2024, 07:54:14 PM »
Quote from: campbembpd on January 02, 2024, 03:41:18 PM
#goals - I'm still getting sucked in. It's been all day today. And yes she HATES it that I'm so calm. She says often in the middle that if I cared I would show some reaction. I tell her I don't like being yelled at or swearing and she says that's how people fight! She says if I had any passion for her I'd fight like that too! I never do.
What you are describing is their distorted perspective that they learned, most likely from their FOO (family of origin). It is hard to unlearn a bad behavior like this, but, not impossible.
I get that one too. I tell her that "I will fight
for
you" -- and that is a big difference than "I will fight
with
you" - I use logic to fight, not passion, even though it has its place, it is more of a 'wise mind' approach that I use with my uBPDw.
Variations on this theme is that I tell her "I will not be used as a punching bag; however, I will be a shoulder for you to cry on".
She has improved with an extensive amount of therapy for the past 14 months, so there is hope, with individual therapy with the pwBPD even though she has not been diagnosed; however, she is being treated for the symptom of "Inappropriately intense anger
or
[AND]
problems controlling anger" and is fully self-aware of this symptom.
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campbembpd
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 89
Re: Smirking
«
Reply #9 on:
January 02, 2024, 10:38:04 PM »
Quote from: SaltyDawg on January 02, 2024, 07:54:14 PM
What you are describing is their distorted perspective that they learned, most likely from their FOO (family of origin). It is hard to unlearn a bad behavior like this, but, not impossible.
I get that one too. I tell her that "I will fight
for
you" -- and that is a big difference than "I will fight
with
you" - I use logic to fight, not passion, even though it has its place, it is more of a 'wise mind' approach that I use with my uBPDw.
Variations on this theme is that I tell her "I will not be used as a punching bag; however, I will be a shoulder for you to cry on".
She has improved with an extensive amount of therapy for the past 14 months, so there is hope, with individual therapy with the pwBPD even though she has not been diagnosed; however, she is being treated for the symptom of "Inappropriately intense anger
or
[AND]
problems controlling anger" and is fully self-aware of this symptom.
I like that I will not be used as a punching bag but will be a shoulder to cry on
That gives me hope about the therapy but my hope is mixed. For the last couple of months she's maintained that she's 'done' therapy and all the work she needs to do. Now it's back to being all me causing this, if I would only support her and stop 'making' her feel the way she does. She's been reluctant to return except occasionally with me to therapy but not solo. She seems so far from acknowledging there's a serious anger management/mental health issue on her part.
My therapist suggested I write a letter to my pwuBPD and work with him on it. Outlining what I'm working on, what I'll help her with, what I expect, what I won't accept, etc. Establishing some boundaries. It's hard and scary. It feels like it will either be a catalyst for real change or it will send her over the edge and the the last nail in the coffin of our relationship.
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