Her we go again...

[MSNYPAL]

We have had the worst night that we have experienced in a long time...
The splitting and the rage was at an all time high. I am being torn down for my past.
She can not seem to cope with the amount of people I have slept with in my life.. I am almost 34 and she had me count last night. The count is 24. I didn't even know. 14 of those people were from ages 13-18. She is "repulsed" by me.
She wants to be able to have me but not sleep with me. She wants to get that outside of our marriage and I am not okay with that. I told her if she wants that then she can not have me too. She rages. She blames me for her having to be "miserable" in our relationship. She makes me feel as if I am disgusting. I just want my wife to love me for me. I want her to want me.
My codependency spirals. She wants to leave me then pulls me back in. She threatens to message other people. She pushes me out. I just want it to stop. I want to have a happy marriage. She has been officially been diagnosed with BPD and BiPolar 2. They started her on medication but it has done nothing to help so far. I am trying to get her into therapy but finding someone who genuinely knows about BPD and actually understands her is hard. We are on a waitlist and I pray we figure this out soon..

[ForeverDad]

If she is the least bit like other people with BPD (pwBPD) described here, then her triggers about your past romantic history will not go away, well, not without intensive therapy.

We're not doctors here but it has been commented that BPD and Bipolar have similar behavior patterns.  Though Bipolar has a biochemical basis and be treated with meds, BPD requires long term therapy, meds may only moderate the disorder.

She wants the relationship on her terms, a common trait with BPD.  She may not be able to Let Go her triggers about your past life.

Yet marriage does include an intimate life.  You may have to decide whether you can live with her terms.

[Pook075]

I agree with Forever, that's her insecurities talking and it's very difficult to let go of.  We had another member here a few months back who's BPD spouse was obsessed with an ex girlfriend that one of his friends ultimately married many years prior.  They'd talk in circles for hours and he was like, "I haven't talked to her in years....what do you want me to say?"  But she'd insist that he was still in love with her and it was a betrayal.

The only advice I can give is to avoid that conversation completely- it's not making things better.  If she insists, then you insist on leaving for awhile to go to the gym or whatever.  What you're dealing with is abuse and it's not okay, it's hurting you.

One more thing; psych meds generally take 4-6 weeks to see any effects, and getting the dosage right is a tricky thing.  Chances are decent that they didn't "nail it" the first time around.  So you could be looking at a few months before the medicine really makes a difference.