Have my first grandchild but am not allowed to see her

[Tried and tired]

My sons partner has bipolar and borderline personality disorder, I have been through a lot with them and have tried so hard to make sure she knows she is safe and welcome her to our family, I’m not sure if they got married because my son has quit speaking to me and his brothers , we welcomed my first grandchild approx 7 months ago , She has gone off on me several times and it’s always a shock to me , I have all the texts we have exchanged and I have to say that I don’t know how she turns things around and makes everything my fault but there isn’t a reason for the ranting I receive saying how much I hurt their feelings and how I just can’t live without drama etc.  I have only seen the baby once in the last 3 months and my son met me with the baby only to start getting hateful texts from her mom ( my sons spouse ) after the visit , I knew she had quite a troubled past but I guess I thought if I showed her love and security we would be okay, I actually wouldn’t feel safe after the latest ramblings because it just doesn’t make sense and my son and her think she is fine and doesn’t take medication anymore I’m heartbroken and need advice

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Dear Tried,
I’m surprised that your son met you with the baby since you said that he quit speaking to you. I’m no expert, but when a person has mental issues like your DIL, just feeling safe and welcome does not really matter. To be honest, I have no idea how you can reach her.
If you haven’t read, her entire way of thinking is quite distorted.

The only thing I can advise is to learn more about the conditions she has, being bi-polar and having BPD.
I’m sure knowledgable people will reply to your post with references and ideas, so I just want you to understand that mental illnesses like this are NOT based on reality really and are a whole other dimension.

I’m so sorry for your gut-wrenching circumstances with the new baby, and I truly hope you figure out a way to handle this.
If I think of anything more I’ll let you know.

I wish you peace and comfort, OurWorld

[Sancho]

Hi Tried and tired
It's such a heart breaking situation - one many of those who come here find themselves in. It is fairly predictable when dealing with someone with BPD however.

Your son's partner sees you and the family as a threat to her exclusive relationship with your son. No matter how kind and welcoming you are, even this can increase the feeling that your son is more bonded to you than he is to her. The frantic attempts to avoid abandonment trigger the fight or flight response: keep your son away from you and/or create the totally irrational 'fight' of words - accusations, blaming etc.

Adding Bipolar to the mix will certainly intensify things. In fact I am wondering if your son's partner was being treated for the bipolar with medication? If she has stopped this medication, it may be only a matter of time before there is some crisis that means professional medical people become involved again.

I am not sure how much you know about Bipolar and BPD. It might be the moment to find out as much as you can, and also any skills in relation to BPD. This site is helpful for this and especially reading others' posts on how they manage.

You say you don't feel safe now after the last lot of texts. I have been thinking of what I would do in this situation - but of course no situation is the same as another. My dd writes lots of threatening texts, is verbally threatening etc but understanding BPD helps me to distinguish what I need to be concerned about and what is a 'fight-flight' basic human response.

I think I would let things settle for a little while if possible. Is there any way that you can get to know how things are with the little family? I suppose I would be trying to see if going off the medication means signs and symptoms are escalating.

If they seem stable I probably would text a couple of brief lines - putting the focus on the mother always to try to avoid her going into reaction.

I hope you can keep us posted as to how things are going. Thank you for posting.

[js friend]

Hi Tried and Tired,

It makes me think that your son is very torn between you and his wife. Not all pwbpd are the same but a lot of people with this disorder have abandonment issues. Even your son bringing the baby to see you can trigger this feeling in them. Its all so extreme. My udd has stopped me from seeing my grandkids 3 times now. The second time she did it my eldest grandchild cried and cried when she saw me again but it hasnt stopped my udd from cutting me off again. She also has a new baby that I know nothing about. Another thing is that my udd hates to share her kids. In her eyes she is the one who had them so they belong to her. Even good parenting advice is seen as criticism of her in her eyes. Its hard I know because im living it too.

My advice would be to read up on bpd as much as you can, dont get into any back and forth with them  and allow time to heal your pain.