BPD Mother trying to reach out to me.

[Healingself]

Hi everyone this is my first time being here. I don’t have much people to talk to about this so I’m hoping you guys will be able to help me out.

I cut off my BPD mother about a year ago without giving her any explanation. We live in the same small city so we ran into each other on a few occasions but she would seemingly respectful my boundaries and not approach me. But recently she sent me a text saying how much she loves me apologizing and wishing to mend the relationship between her and me and my brother. I didn’t reply to the text. But then she shows up to my house unannounced the door was open so she saw me. I panicked and didn’t know what to do or say so I just I went into my room until she left. She said “sorry to bother have a nice day “. My therapist suggested to reply to the text letting her know that I appreciate the desire to reconnect but showing up like that is not the way to do it and to let her know how it made me feel which was uncomfortable and upset. And to respect my space and time and that I will reach out when I’m ready. My question is should I add that I love her too and that I wish her well?

[Notwendy]

I think your mother knows to not show up like that. If it were my mother, telling her wouldn't be effective. It would help me to write it down.

I think it would help if you let us know a bit more about your situation- not personal details but approximately how old you are and also your mother. Is she alone or does she live with a partner?

Sometimes going no contact is a necessary situation. However, being in a same area and having extended family can make that challenging as you said- people run into each other and extended family may want contact with both of you. I see you have a sibling who is also not in contact with her?

Boundaries are something we put on ourselves, not someone else. You could ask your mother to respect yours, but in the small area you live in, she could go anywhere so it's possible you will run into her at times. The idea is to come up with some sort of way the two of you- you and your mother- can coexist in the same small area.

[Healingself]

Thank you so much for your kind and insightful points Notwendy.

I’m in my thirties and my mother in her mid fifties. She has been living alone for the past 6 years. She has an On again off again relationship with a man idk if she would call him her boyfriend. She Was homeless for a time but i helped her find and get housing multiple times over the years. Helped her find resources like financial aid, social programs and resources for mental health therapy. Last of what I know is that she was still getting therapy but I think only because if she didn’t she wouldn’t get financial assistance and that she has a place to live and is attending religious services trying to better herself.

When I decided to go no contact last year I didn’t tell her I just didn’t it. I was overthinking what to say and thought that it probably doesn’t matter what I say so I just did what was best for me and it has been such an incredible healing. So much progress I’ve made. So when she showed up it just struck me feeling crappy all day Questioning myself old feelings of anxiety anger guilt and shame. Thank you for that point about boundaries being on me. I feel like sending the text would make me feel better because I can know that I clearly let her know my boundaries and how I feel. And that showing up to my house unannounced is not ok. I understand because we live in a small city I will inevitably run into to her but like I mentioned that hasn’t been an issue because up until now she wouldn’t approach me or say anything and I would just carry on about my day but that doesn’t make me feel good it’s awkward uncomfortable and I feel shame and guilt so I’m planning on moving I think it’s the best thing for me. I’m just not sure if I should include in the message I will she her my feelings of love and appreciation that she did the best she could and that I wish her the best in life but for now I need my space and time and I will reach out when and if I’m ever ready.