Struggling with my wifes physical and emotional affairs

[Hip82]

Hello,

I have been in a relationship with my wife for 6 years and married for almost 2 years. My Wife was diagnosed with EUPD around 4 years ago after noticing that she felt a little unstable and after may appointmenets and tests she was diagnosed.

I myself have been previously married and I will openly say that that marriage broke down due to an affair that I had. This is something I am not proud of and the realtionship I entered after that marriage also broke down due to my new partner then cheating on me and out of the blue leaving. At this point I realised what it truly felt like to be cheated on and realise just how much hurt I had caused my ex wife and I have always vowed to NEVER cheat again. I know the age old saying once a cheater always a cheater but I have made a promise to myself to never do that.

My wife entered my life when we met through mutual friends. A hobby of mine is photography and I work with many models both male and female and it was through this network I met my now wife. Anyway throughout the years things have been up and down and there have been times where I felt like I am walking on egg shells but I have always dealt with it as when I learned about her condition I read about what it entails. When I read that pwBPD can often cheat I have always mentally prepared myself for this. I have been through the cycles of idealisation and devaluation numerous times but I have seen them through.

Now fast forward through the relationship to the start of this year. I have three step daughters one of which we believe may have ADHD or is on the spectrum somehow. This particular daughter accused me hittiing her at the start of the year (This is something that NEVER happened as I have never been violent in my life and especially not towards a minor). This accusation quickly escalated and children services got involved as well as the police. They requested that I leave the family home while they perform their investigations, something I agreed to as I had done nothing wrong and wanted to be as co-operative as possible. I left that very day, this is something I seriously feared deep down as i knew in my wife's eyes I was abandoning her as I was also told that I would not be allowed to be in contact with my wife either.

So I left and tried to not contact her. After a few days I was struggling being away from my family and my head was all over the place as I felt like i was losing everything and also faced a serious police investigation. This lasted for a period of 8 weeks. I was unable to visit my home, I was unable to even be on my own with my own son, my world was literally upside down. Even though I wasnt suppose to contact my wife I still checked in and each time id face hostility from her and then I also got messages from her friend giving me a lot of grief. Her friend is a very toxic individual who openly hates men. During this time I received an anonymous email saying my wife was seeking solitude with another man. I approached her about it and all i got was 'With all the stuff I am dealing with i'm not even going to honour a response'.

Anyway the Police investigation was eventually closed with no further action as there was no evidence to support the claims being made against me and I was allowed back home. I went home and things just didnt feel the same. I had been away from my wife for nearly 8 weeks and I was just glad to be home but it felt like on my return she really didnt want me to be there. Anyway as the weeks passed by I just felt like she was distant from me. I put it down to the fact we were still dealing with childrens services and also that the child who accused me of hitting ehr was now living with her dad.

Anyway one day she left her phone unguarded and I just couldnt resist having a look and to my fear I found out that something had actually happened with another man. It turned out she had slept with this guy 2 days after I was requested to leave. They continued conversing even when I was at home and he knew about me. I'd also found out she had also had a fling with a woman during this time and was also sending illicit photos to a guy from work. I confronted her about it and she instantly turned everything on me. She blamed me for not having her child at home, she said why don't I go and chat to a a specific girl on facebook whom she got very jealous of because I had liked her photos., (She is a model I had previously worked with and the photos were taken by my other photographer friends and I had to remove her as a friend off FB because of this). She isntantly got on the phone to her toxic friend and she was like 'That man blah blah blah'. I waited for some remorse or an apology and got nothing. I resided to the fact that I wont get that from her. Naturally my trust bottomed out. I have been trying to get close to her but she thinks all i'm after is sex and thats not it, I just want to feel close, just a cuddle here and there but I get nothing. Anyway as time has gone I have been trying hard but she has been so cold towards me. She eventually left the job she was in which TBH was a releif as all these affairs had happeend with people she met through her job at a hotel chain.

Fast forward a few months where things have been proper rocky and I once again could resist the urge to see if things were still happening. Anyway I found she is still texting a guy she used to work with. He says inappropriate things to her and trather than saying stop she just goes along with it. There were also messages between her and her toxic friend where she says im pottering about so cant chat but she is messaging this guy from work and her friend was like 'on ya' basically green lighting her behaviour.  I held this info close to myself but only for a few days. We had gone out for an impromptu date night which was her decision to do and it felt great to do something but the actual date wasn't great because as soon as we got there her anxiety kicked in and we had to leave. The day after I had to be open that I knew about the texts between her and her ex colleague. As soon as I mentioned it I was at fault  but she was careless with her secrets. She then range the in-laws and turned them against me making out I am jealous. She said to her step mother I will show the messages between us and sent her a hand selected list of screenshots between them to her and her step mum was like there is nothing to it, to which I responded well i will send you the screenshots i have, she went white and said 'Do that and watch what happens'. Anyway she has been away for the night camping with her toxic friend, someone who I hold some blame for encouraging this behaviour, its clear she wants my wife to be single but I have been in bits thinking all sorts. Her toxic friend still works at the hotel chain and has a weird adoration for the guys my wife has been texting. Now I don't believe anything physical has happened with this guy as I feel like she is leading him on because she is trying to get her job back there but I dont know. I have never been bothered if she texts other people regardless of gender but its the context of the texts I have an issue with. I mean if she saw the same sort of texts on my phone id be out the door quicker than it could open and the fact she is texting him whilst im not around, so clearly she is hiding something.

I want to sit down and talk to her but she just explodes in fits of rage and then yells at me to stop arguing which im not, there have been times where I get fed up and lose my _____ and tell her to piss off and walk away but it takes a lot to get me there. All i want from her is to sit down and see if she wants to rescue this marriage. I know I am important to her as she has told me many times before that she knows she difficult to live with and she is grateful but ever since her toxic friend has been heavily on the scene since last August our relationship has nose dived and I fear thgat whilst she seeks approval from her I will never get any answers or any sort of chance to talk and see what we can do.

Can i forgive? Yes is the answer to that but we would need have a serious talkj and I have even suggested councelling (Something I know she doesnt want because that means being honest and people seeing her flaws) I am harbouring her secrets for her frome friends and family, the only person who knwos about anything is her step mum but she has somehow got her on her side and made me to be the monster. I feel like im losing my mind. This holiday as well, she booked this a few days ago despite knowing financially I have been struggling because all the bills have gone up as well as the rent and this is something I have had to0 abnsorb but its starting to drastically affect my own finances where she doesn't pay anything towards our daily life but is always ordering things, buying weed and cigarettes and ordering coffee daily. I literally feel like a walking bank account walking on egg shells around her. If I touch her she shudders, she never tells me she loves me without me telling her first. I dont know I just feel like I am battling a lost battle.

Weirdest thing is I kno if do finally get tired of her crap and leave she will be devastated. All her previous relationships have been real _____ shows and (in her words) they all end up just walking away, something I havent done. Its strange as she always talks about our future plans of growing old etc but at the minute I feel like im her worst enemy. I do want to just get up and leave but I have a duty of care to my step daughters as I pretty much do everyhting for them like taking them to school picking them up from school (Something my wifer cant do as she feels like everybody is judging her) feeding them, getting them ready fro school (Whilst my wife is still in bed) and then doing all the household chores. I have joked in the past that i am more like her butler than her husband.

I dont know what to do. I really love this woman for some messed up reason and I know there is good in her as we have had some magical moments together. I do feel like whilst her toxic friend is on the scene I don't stand a chance as she really doesnt like me and the feeling is mutual. Her real mum has said to me time and time again I dont know how you put up with her and that i am the best thing thats ever happened to her and she would be an idiot for throwing it away. Her own daughter chooses to spend time with me than her lately but thats partly because she never does anything with her. The other day we went into the local city center and she went off to meet her friend and me and her daughter spent the hours exploring the city. I know if my wife was with us it would have only been for an hour and she would have wanted to go home. Its like she makes all the time for the wrong people whilst discarding the most important people but at the same time portraying herself as mother of the year. Its so confusing and the eggshells I walk on is insane.

My wife and I have come from very different backgrounds. I come from a very stable family and am very well educated and own my own successful business whereas she didnt have a great childhood and comes from a very broken family. She has always tried to better herself but it is all smok and mirrors. She 'wrote' a book and listed it on Amazon. Now I quoted 'wrote' because it was actually written by AI under direction. She has been showing off the Tarot cards she has beenm creating but in reality all the work for the cards has been done by me. She shows off all the nice holidays to the Carribean she has all of which I have paid for. Like I say im starting to feel more like a bank account than a husband and maybe because the money isnt as readily available she is like nah screw you.

I want her to seek help, i want to have the hard discussion but I dont think she will and I just dont know how to approach it. She will always get the side of her step mother because she feeds her select information to gain her support. Like I say I can forgive but things will have to change. I knwo some people on here will be just like 'What are you doing dude, ditch her' but I have much wider responsibilities I have to consider and i am not that cruel to do that. Any help will be really useful because I am totally lost right now.

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[ForeverDad]

Looking back, do you agree this relationship has become dysfunctional?  Added to that, police and children's services got involved and for a few months you weren't even able to return home.  That's scary.

Would you agree that your current situation is somewhat dangerous?  A thought I learned here years ago made an impact on me... If it has been threatened or even just contemplated, it will happen, given enough time and opportunity.

My question is, should you be pondering now only the issue of physical and emotional affairs?  There is far more going on here than the issue of trust.

I want to sit down and talk to her but she just explodes in fits of rage and then yells at me to stop arguing which I'm not, there have been times where I get fed up and lose my [cool] and tell her to piss off and walk away but it takes a lot to get me there. All i want from her is to sit down and see if she wants to rescue this marriage.

You want to talk logic but your spouse is driven by varying emotions and perceptions (and probably more issues).  Your inclination is to do what is called JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  Most here have tried that expecting it to work.  It will work with reasonably normal, grounded persons, which she apparently is not.  Obviously you've tried it many times before and failed.  Your close relationship prevents her from listening, she is too overwhelmed with the closeness and emotional baggage of the past to overcome.

I want her to seek help, I want to have the hard discussion but I don't think she will and I just don't know how to approach it.

One indicator that there might be hope for the marriage is whether she will agree to some sort of couples counseling along with meaningful personal therapy counseling for both of you.  It is likely a struggle to accomplish since a person with Borderline traits is easily triggered and often quick to deny, retaliate, Blame and Blame Shift.  Approaches that should work better would be SET, DEARMAN, BIFF, etc which are also described in topics on our Tools & Skills Workshops board.

This is peer support, many of us have been in your shoes.  It's so very tough.  And the outcomes are too often a failure of the relationship.  The good thing is that you're trying.  But a key for a relationship to succeed is that both need to be working together.

[ForeverDad]

Another thought... Close relationships where BPD traits are evident often develop an increasing level of sensitization.  The way you described how she reacts to your overtures reflects that.  And that's not surprising.  BPD is a Personality Disorder most evident in the closest of relationships.  Perhaps others on the periphery, people who come into brief contact with your spouse, don't notice the extent of its impact on you but surely some would notice "something off".

By the way, whatever your suspicions of what may be causing her dysfunctional actions, reactions and overreactions, it is usually best not to Name a suspected disorder.  To you it may have been an "ah ha!" moment but she would receive it virtually as an accusation, needed to be rejected and even countered with negative corresponding slingshots.

So use "we" rather than "you", a simple example - off the cuff - would be something like "we've been having more and more difficulties communicating and our marriage is reflecting that, so why don't we seek some couples counseling for some more promising ways?"