Not wanting theraphy, getting worse, incidents,, shelter

[TorontoGL]

My 20 year old daughter has diagnosed BPD and I believe PTSD. I think all the symptoms and events were there. From the best early high school student and in sports - now she is mostly in her room. Doesn't want to speak. She is aggressive verbally. Recently he started to be insulting and even twice thrown things at me. Her 22 year sister is BPD also but much milder and she is finishing university on time. Their mother in my view is BPD too. It has been hard for all. My 20 year has been in lar 3 months 2 times in hospital, 4 times police called, caught shoplifting and resisting arrest, just this weekend brought homeless man to my place to sleep over. She can start immediately mix online off line DBT/CBT, she has therapist, books, can go to clinic... I can't do anything to help it seems. She threatened w suicide if she wants to get something. I don't buy her alcohol or marijuana or vape.
She couldn't complete first year of university. Mostly breakdown with ex boyfriend who she tried to contact. She accused someone of rape. She doesn't want to report. Room is a mess. Multiple times tried to speak, write... She responded which hurts the most recently: it is too late. I know it is not.
Last night I gave her 24 hours to start therapy, go to hospital emerg, .. or I can help arrange move to a shelter. Struggle with all options.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Toronto,

Your story sounds very much like mine.  I have a stepdaughter diagnosed with BPD, and she has an older sister who wasn't diagnosed, but had many similar issues, just not as extreme.  The good news is that my stepdaughter is doing much better now that she's in her mid-20s and has taken therapy seriously.  The bad news is that she had to hit bottom first, in order to come to the realization that she needed therapy to start to feel better.

As with your case, my stepdaughter did well in high school.  But college was a disaster.  Most of the things you mention happened to my stepdaughter:  spending most of her time in a room, living like a slob, in and out of the hospital, threatening suicide any time she didn't get what she wanted, verbal abuse, dropping out of school, meltdowns with a boyfriend, accusing someone of rape (but not reporting it), trying DBT but not keeping with it, going back and forth between out-of-control rages and cutting people off.  She wallowed in a pit of despair.  However, one important difference was that my stepdaughter was self-medicating with marijuana, and I think that made her situation much worse than it had to be.  She accused others of abuse, when in reality she was the abuser.  She was "stuck" in the past, blaming her parents and siblings for a terrible life growing up, and she just couldn't see a future for herself.  She thought life was hopeless for a long time.  Her brain twisted everything, including history, and re-cast it as very negative.  She was always a victim, utterly convinced that others were to blame, and that she was powerless to make a life for herself.  With such a negative attitude, it's no wonder that she was depressed.  At her worst, she was an emotional terrorist in our home.  There was a time that I thought, there's no negotiating with terrorists, she needs to be kicked out.  But my husband felt so much guilt and fear, he allowed her to stay this way for a long time.

If you think it would help, you could look at my comments on this site to get a feel for the progression of the illness.  You are right, it is NOT too late.  I think DBT therapy, along with medications to treat depression and/or anxiety (if warranted), can work.  I would caution you not to enable dysfunctional behavior in your house for an extended period, as that just prolongs the suffering.  If she is abusive to you, and she's "checked out" of adult life, then she'll never learn how to function.  Don't let her give up on herself, which manifests as meanness and self-destructive behaviors.  If you accept that, it will only escalate.  For example, if she threatens suicide when she doesn't get what she wants, you need to call 911.  Worst case, she's checked into the hospital and gets some treatment.  Best case, she learns she can't threaten suicide, and she learns to substitute that with healthier coping techniques.

Like you, my husband conditioned his continued financial support of his adult daughter to getting therapy.  The choice was entirely hers.  Fortunately it was an easy one for her to make, because she had burned all her bridges, and there was no way she could hold down a job or support herself.  Another positive was that she authorized her doctors to share information with her dad, and they had joint therapy sessions for a time.  I think that really helped.

Take care of yourself.  I know how desperate and heartbreaking this can be.