At wits end

[Sandy52]

Hi! I’m new to posting on site. My adult daughter (44) has all the s&s of BPD, never officially been diagnosed but we have had family therapy off and on for years and the latest one told me that my daughter definitely has s&s of BPD (after an episode in her office). I’m 72 and so exhausted from this roller coaster over the past 20 or so years . My daughter now refuses therapy (“it doesn’t help, she knows more than they do (she has a degree in psychology),she can’t afford it (although I have offered to pay),etc,etc).She has her own big house (bought less than a year ago with much financial help from me)with several roommates, no job, and large debt. The past 6 months 4 roommates have left on bad terms and have threatened legal action .Over time I have given her almost half of my retirement savings (yeah I know). I try setting boundaries which she doesn’t respect, I’ve read books and go to therapy but I now realize I need community that understands. I’m at my wits end, she is very intelligent and has been a freelance writer with 2 published books. To be honest I feel like running away. Thanks for reading

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Sandy52 and welcome here. I found it a great relief coming here because it was the only place and the only people who understood what it is like loving/supporting a BPD child - and not just when they are a child, but well into adult years.

It is exhausting to say the least. I find the most difficult thing to cope with is that feeling there is no end in sight, it will always be like this because I am powerless to do anything/have any significant input into how things might change.

Is it possible for you to have a break - be out of possible communication even for a short while?

In the past I spent a lot trying to help my dd become independent etc. It didn't work, so I then decided my bottom line was that she would always have a room here - a safe place to come. My dd is at the other end of the spectrum, very low functioning etc and often got involved with unwell partners.

But now I am getting on in years and my deep worry is what will happen when I am not here.

It sounds as though the big house is not workable and dd will be relying on you for financial support? I wonder if you can gather some energy to think through how you see a way forward? Of course we can work on this but often - usually in my case - dd will have not part of an obvious, rational plan to address a crisis. Sometimes it's a matter of drawing a line - eg I can only give you this amount or I can't give you any more money - and staying with the line until dd is impacted by consequences of her choices.

It is all so hard.

Glad you are here. I have found some great ideas just reading through the posts here. Mainly it's just the place I go to so I don't feel so alone. I hope you feel supported here too.