I don’t know what to do I’m hopeless and hurting

[BIRD86]

My daughter is currently staying with my sister. She got kicked out of my house and she’s now allowed back here she refuse to follow simple rules and lies and manipulates me.
She’s about to be 20 years old and have a full time job. My sister can’t rent her long term due to space in her apartment.
My daughter had the option and opportunity to move to Mississippi with her grandmother. I understand she doesn’t want to because she has never met her grandma from. Her dad side of the family.
refuses to live on her own even tho I offered to help finding a room and to move. She scared to be alone and I don’t know what to do my husband won’t allowed her back at home and I want to have peace at home I am hopeless what should I do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Hello again Bird86,

I feel for you being between a rock and hard place between your child and your husband, but he is your life now, and your daughter is now considered as a young adult.

You probably realize that the emotional dysregulation of emotions can cause the strong fear of abandonment that your daughter is showing towards you. And logic is out the window.

But you must continue with tough love and not give in.

If possible, check to see if there is a group home for young adults with mental/behavioral issues.

Check to see if there is a group home possibility.

1-the group home (if possible)
OR
2-Tell her that you will take her to get an apartment that she can afford since she can no longer live at your house.

Upon her leaving tell her that she can continue to communicate with you through email but that you will be blocking her from you phone because you will not endure any verbal abuse from her.

Most importantly, do not lose your own life and identity, you’ve been a great Mom, she has a full-time job and she’ll make it,

This is just my suggestions but there are others here that have actually been through this and can probably advise.

You’ll get through this, hugs, OurWorld

[Ourworld]

Of course the only other possibility that you might have discussed is the possibility of the sister getting a 2 bedroom apartment if she is willing to keep her. And, of course, your daughter sharing the cost of rent and utilities.

I truly wish you the best, OurWorld

[BIRD86]

Ourworld thank you for your feedback I appreciate you.
theirs is plenty of rooms for rent around the area.
My sister seems fed up with the situation.
The thought about having that conversation with my daughter scares me because she doesn’t want to live alone.
 fear she will relapse. She’s also not taking care of herself and her priorities. But coming back to live in my house I not an option and we will have to figure something out.
I am just very anxious and hopeless.

[CC43]

Hi Bird,

I understand the despair you're feeling.  Things must have gotten pretty bad with your daughter to resort to kicking her out and not allowing her back in your home.  It sounds like she hasn't learned the "rules" for living with others, like being cordial, helping out (with chores and/or rent), keeping common areas neat and clean, and keeping quiet when others are trying to sleep.  Those rules generally hold true wherever one lives with others.  If she hasn't yet learned how to be a good roommate, then others will probably tire of her and kick her out, too.  I guess she might be a slow learner, and she might have to learn the hard way--by being kicked out of rooming situations multiple times.

Having said that, many young adults opt to live with roommates in their 20s, before living solo.  Having roommates is typical for college students and people starting out in their careers, because it's just not affordable to have a place all to oneself.  Could your daughter try to find some other ladies in their 20s to share living quarters?  Then she wouldn't be totally alone, and there might be positive "peer pressure" to be civil.  Plus, younger people might not be as picky about neatness or quiet nights, because they too are enjoying their first steps towards "freedom" in adulthood.

It may be that when your daughter lives with relatives, she's misbehaving because she feels entitled.  In her mind, she's probably playing the victim, escaping the horrendous "abuse" (aka rules) of your household.  But because her family is putting her up (likely for free or below-market rent), she still feels childish and entitled, and so she misbehaves.  Maybe that negative thinking pattern would change if she embraced adulthood and roomed with other young women.

I agree with the other poster who says your daughter is an adult.  If you give in and coddle her, she's incentivized to continue with her childish behavior.  I know you worry, but I think that if your daughter sees you worry, she'll feed off of that negative energy and potentially live up to your expectations--that she'll fall apart without you.  If you jump in and rescue her from situations she herself created by acting out, she'll never learn!  What she'll learn is, when she acts out and treats everyone badly, you'll rush in, overly concerned, and buy her new things, or co-sign a new lease, or fix her problems for her.  I think she needs to learn consequences.  Or else she has no reason to shape up and grow up.  My opinion is, the sooner she learns, the better, for both her and YOU!

If she's really sick, then maybe she needs to devote all her attention to therapy, and maybe she could try a group home for people with mental health challenges, or a halfway house until she improves her self-care and executive function.  But I'm sure that halfway houses have all sorts of rules, such as curfew and no drugs or overnight guests.

[Sancho]

Hi Bird86
I've been mulling over your situation and just how difficult it is. Everything you describe is what I have experienced with a BPD dd. We get cornered at every turn and it is exhausting and sad.

The not wanting to be alone is a big part of BPD - alone is when the abandonment kicks in and things can escalate. I gather DD has not had any treatment/on any medication? Although there is no specific medication for BPD, sometimes straightforward meds for anxiety can be helpful in raising the bar at which someone with BPD spins out.

It sounds as though your sister has been pretty helpful which is great. Also DD manages to hold down a full time job. Also great.

The only think I can think of is the possibility of working on a timetable to be with DD if she would move into a room. A sort of plan of transition where you will be with her for a period of time on x days to help her adjust to independent living.

I know this would take up your time, but it has the benefit of you having your place to yourself, as well as something that could slowly be withdrawn as DD adjusts to a new routine and being by herself. There may be other practical measures that could be in place too to help the transition.

Is DD scared of the dark for example? Trouble getting to sleep?

I understand this probably is not possible but it's the only thing that has come to my mind so far. It might be possible for your sister to be part of the 'support team'?

If something like this is a possibility, try to focus on practical things and let the verbal abuse float by you. My dd is in full swing with verbal abuse at the moment and I am so thankful that I have learnt to ignore the torrent of abuse - sometimes it takes a minute of two to get my anger down!!

Take care Bird86

[BIRD86]

cc43 Yes Mi daughter refuses to do anything around the house is just a couch potato. she works but is not helping out my sister with chores.

She has lived with friend before and that didn't las more than two months she gets into arguments with others so is really rough because she cant live with others but is afraid to be alone.

[BIRD86]

Sancho thank you for your ideas.

I already proposed this to my daughter before. to rent a room and I was going to spend two days withy her on her days off. She got so angry that she threatened me to kill herself and the police was called.
She wants me to separate with my husband (not her father) to move in with her fully.
I had to put my foot down and set that boundary and say no. even tho I almost give in.

She has had a room before and was doing well for 3 months and she started problems with roomates and got kicked out she had a room rent free and she blew it.
My sister doesn't wanna help out anymore is really hard to live with my daughter. My sister barely talks to any of us anymore. I will have to have the convo with my daughter again and see what happens I am scared she will relapse. she really is not helping the situation. I am burn out. I wanna have a normal life and is not possible. even hanging out with my daughter is so exhausting she sucks the happiness out of me. I don't wanna see her more than once a week but it hurts me to see her that way sad and unhappy she thinks no one loves her and she keeps sending me videos of unloved childhood.

[Sancho]

Hi BIRD86
It's early in the morning here and I've just weathered a tirade from DD - so I know what it's like!

Is your DD on any medication?

[BIRD86]

Sancho

My daughter hasn’t been diagnosed with BPD only with depression. She was prescribed medication but she refuses to take the meds.

She shows all the BPD symptoms.
She also won’t allow her therapist to discuss any of her information with me. She 19 so there’s isn’t to much I can do.

[Sancho]

What you describe sounds like BPD. When I first started to deal with DD's condition I came across a book by a GP who recommended an antidepressant.

DD tried it for a while and it made a big difference in that DD was not so easily triggered. It seemed that her anxiety/depression was addressed and she didn't fly off nearly so easily. But - yes, she went off them! And when they get to a certain age it becomes impossible.

Clutching at straws here . . .  would your husband agree to DD coming home for x months on the condition she took her meds, and that after x months she would work on a plan with you to moving out etc.

I feel DD has you cornered and I am wondering if this option - where there has to be give on both sides - might settle things and enable a gradual new start.

It would have to be that you were able to see DD take the tablets etc.

Just thinking . .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BIRD86]

Sancho.

I wish things were that simple.
My daughter hates my husband she has been in and out of this house and we have given her opportunities and nothing she gets worse. She threatened my husband and we are to scared to live with her the house was a nightmare. I am finally having a little bit of peace and quiet and o honestly don’t want her back in my house. She doesn’t wanna take medication and doesn’t even admit she’s wrong. She acts entitled verbally abusing and refuses to stop smoking marijuana inside the house. We are drug free adults and I hate the smell and I don’t want that in my life. She is gonna have to get over her fear of being alone otherwise she will never be able to be independent. It now or never. I am broken and I honestly hope for the best.

[Sancho]

Thanks for replying. It does seem like now or never.

I hope you can regroup and gather some strength to see you through this crisis time. It's so tough!