Disenfranchised grief

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone,

I don’t know where to start so please forgive me if I’m not posting in the right place.

Like many others, my story is a long one. I’m happy to share all of it, but what brings me here today is my disenfranchised grief.

In my world we have had many names for our same-sex relationship. Partners, Significant Other, Long Time Companion, etc… with that in mind, he was my husband until he became my ex-husband.

We met in 1987 and quickly decided to commit to each other and to building a life together. When domestic partnerships became a legal definition, we filed with our state. When same-sex marriage became legal we got married.

Through many ups and down, good times and bad, we remained together for 25 years. Ten years ago I finally called it quits and ran away. It was the most difficult and traumatic experience of my life and that’s saying something after having spent 25 years with a person suffering from BPD.

I never stopped loving him and I believe he never stopped loving me. I always wanted the best for him…I just wanted him to be happy.

For the last 5 years I kept a no contact rule for myself. I didn’t respond to his messages be they good or bad, hurtful or friendly and cordial, unless it was about the spousal support I paid monthly to him.

My heart ached for him. I’d hear things or receive messages that made it clear he still suffered greatly from his mental health issues, bpd and ocd and PTSD.

I received a call from his neighbor at the end of May. He had died and was found in his bed after a wellness check by neighbors and the police. I was heartbroken. I’m still heartbroken. I grieve for his loss of life. I am feeling many emotions and I have no one to grieve with due to our estrangement. My divorce from him isn’t like many divorces. I didn’t fall out of love and I didn’t hate him. I hated his behavior and treatment at times, but he was also lovable and very  loving to many, including me.

The finality that his death brings to our relationship is hard to process. So many things left unsaid and the lifelong dream of him conquering his disease cannot be fulfilled. I’m grief stricken and preoccupied with the loss.

I’m certain he took his own life, but the corner hasn’t determined the cause of death as it’s still under investigation and awaiting toxicology results. It may be September or later before the medical examiner finalizes the report.

In any case, I am having trouble letting go and processing my grief. My current husband is very understanding but he cannot relate to my grief or share it. He is supportive and loving and that’s all anyone could ask for. But my grief is still disenfranchised because few people can understand what it’s like to have to leave someone you love because they are mentally sick and the relationship is unhealthy.


Thank you for listening/reading my tale of pain and love.

[Love in the Mire]

Hi everyone,

I don’t know where to start so please forgive me if I’m not posting in the right place.

Like many others, my story is a long one. I’m happy to share all of it, but what brings me here today is my disenfranchised grief.

In my world we have had many names for our same-sex relationship. Partners, Significant Other, Long Time Companion, etc… with that in mind, he was my husband until he became my ex-husband.

We met in 1987 and quickly decided to commit to each other and to building a life together. When domestic partnerships became a legal definition, we filed with our state. When same-sex marriage became legal we got married.

Through many ups and down, good times and bad, we remained together for 25 years. Ten years ago I finally called it quits and ran away. It was the most difficult and traumatic experience of my life and that’s saying something after having spent 25 years with a person suffering from BPD.

I never stopped loving him and I believe he never stopped loving me. I always wanted the best for him…I just wanted him to be happy.

For the last 5 years I kept a no contact rule for myself. I didn’t respond to his messages be they good or bad, hurtful or friendly and cordial, unless it was about the spousal support I paid monthly to him.

My heart ached for him. I’d hear things or receive messages that made it clear he still suffered greatly from his mental health issues, bpd and ocd and PTSD.

I received a call from his neighbor at the end of May. He had died and was found in his bed after a wellness check by neighbors and the police. I was heartbroken. I’m still heartbroken. I grieve for his loss of life. I am feeling many emotions and I have no one to grieve with due to our estrangement. My divorce from him isn’t like many divorces. I didn’t fall out of love and I didn’t hate him. I hated his behavior and treatment at times, but he was also lovable and very  loving to many, including me.

The finality that his death brings to our relationship is hard to process. So many things left unsaid and the lifelong dream of him conquering his disease cannot be fulfilled. I’m grief stricken and preoccupied with the loss.

I’m certain he took his own life, but the corner hasn’t determined the cause of death as it’s still under investigation and awaiting toxicology results. It may be September or later before the medical examiner finalizes the report.

In any case, I am having trouble letting go and processing my grief. My current husband is very understanding but he cannot relate to my grief or share it. He is supportive and loving and that’s all anyone could ask for. But my grief is still disenfranchised because few people can understand what it’s like to have to leave someone you love because they are mentally sick and the relationship is unhealthy.


Thank you for listening/reading my tale of pain and love.

[HealthTeacher]

Oh my goodness. This is so incredibly heartbreaking. I am sending you all the hugs. It's so hard to lose our person metaphorically, but you have also lost them literally. I can't imagine what this feels like for you. It was obviously unbearable for him. They are in a better place now. No more pain. No more tormenting or being tormented. He is at peace.

I think we all share the fear that our partners or ex-partners will decide to make an irrevocable exit when our feelings are too much to bear.  For me, my ex had to go to AA and NA three times, so I fear that he relapses and overdoses when he has a weak moment. I have had to accept that this fear could someday become a reality, and it is completely out of my control, so my heart aches for you. You are living that reality right now.

I am glad you found this website. Everyone here will listen and send love. Although I don't know your pain, someone here likely does. Let it all out.

[ParentingThruIt]

I am so sorry for your loss. As HealthTeacher said, when I read this I assumed it was grief for the loss of the relationship, which in and of itself I find very hard. It was brave of you to leave and strong of you to keep no-contact and to be able to move on for yourself even though he was still struggling -- and it shows your bigheartedness that you could still hold love for him and acknowledge the fulness of who he was, along with recognizing the damaging effects of his illnesses.

As HealthTeacher said, if you want to write more here, just do it.