Separation

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi. At the end of this month my spouse and I will separate. I keep telling others we are still working on it but to be quite frank, I am the only one who seems to be working on anything. I pay for marriage counseling and he sometimes will join, but really doesn’t seem to accept any responsibility for any of the issues we have. Blame is his favorite thing. Splitting happens all the time. He tells everyone, all our friends, neighbors, anyone really, what a terrible person I am. I am really a good wife. I have bent over backwards to be a good wife. I do everything for him and have given up nearly everything for him but nothing fills the emptiness he feels and he says that is my fault. He has even managed to convince his therapist that I am the problem. The worst part is, he drinks and drives and stays out late until morning, several times a week. I am terrified he is going to kill someone drinking and driving. He thinks he is the best driver when he drinks. I had to call the police one night because he was completely smashed and was going to get in the car. I hid the keys and he went ballistic.
 I moved upstairs. He says he stays out because I haven’t met his needs and he is angry at me. He says horrible and disgusting things about my sister to hurt me. I really struggle with getting a divorce due to my religious convictions but I am concerned about the liability if he does hurt someone or even kills them.
Even as I write this I am feeling bad about complaining about him. I feel bad about complaining about him to my therapist. I do love him. I wish he would get the treatment that would actually help him. In the meantime I’m going to move and find peace.

[Rubble]

Hi. At the end of this month my spouse and I will separate. I keep telling others we are still working on it but to be quite frank, I am the only one who seems to be working on anything. I pay for marriage counseling and he sometimes will join, but really doesn’t seem to accept any responsibility for any of the issues we have. Blame is his favorite thing. Splitting happens all the time. He tells everyone, all our friends, neighbors, anyone really, what a terrible person I am. I am really a good wife. I have bent over backwards to be a good wife. I do everything for him and have given up nearly everything for him but nothing fills the emptiness he feels and he says that is my fault. He has even managed to convince his therapist that I am the problem. The worst part is, he drinks and drives and stays out late until morning, several times a week. I am terrified he is going to kill someone drinking and driving. He thinks he is the best driver when he drinks. I had to call the police one night because he was completely smashed and was going to get in the car. I hid the keys and he went ballistic.
 I moved upstairs. He says he stays out because I haven’t met his needs and he is angry at me. He says horrible and disgusting things about my sister to hurt me. I really struggle with getting a divorce due to my religious convictions but I am concerned about the liability if he does hurt someone or even kills them.
Even as I write this I am feeling bad about complaining about him. I feel bad about complaining about him to my therapist. I do love him. I wish he would get the treatment that would actually help him. In the meantime I’m going to move and find peace.

[HealthTeacher]

Hello Rubble,

I am so so sorry you are dealing with this. I have been in similar situations... even to the point of almost fantasizing that they would die in a car accident and the stress would go away (messed up, right?)... and those thoughts are what triggered me to go to couples therapy with my ex-fiance about 12 years ago, as he was an alcoholic with depression. He wasn't spitting venom at me like your partner does... I can't imagine it, but my mother can.

Are you sure he has BPD and not antisocial personality disorder? This sounds painfully similar to my father. My mother used to have the same morbid fantasies I did, hoping he would just miraculously die (without anyone else being hurt) because he was an alcoholic who tortured her and said horrible things to cut her down constantly... also, with therapy, a person with antisocial personality disorder doesn't like to "play the game" unless they can win... so they do their best to manipulate the therapist.... looks like he did this successfully... my father did this once, but my mom put her foot down and switched therapists... the other held him accountable and wasn't able to be manipulated... so he stopped going.


The worst part... if he does have antisocial personality disorder... is that these people are the most resistant to treatment. Their disorder is so pervasive that it works to prevent the individual from being open to real, transformative change.