Daughter Quit DBT After 3 Weeks

[AcheyMom]

I am so disappointed.  My 34 yo daughter waited on a one year wait list to get into a DBT program.  I just learned that she quit already 3 weeks in.  I am supposed to be doing a program for family members starting next month.  It’s always ME willing to do the work and not her. People bend over backwards to get her help and she won’t participate.  This time her reasoning was she didn’t want to spend 2 hrs on the bus and they wouldn’t provide transportation.  She doesn’t work and does nothing with her son (also very disappointing).  It’s literally all she had to do.  I have to wonder if they tried to get her to take responsibility for her actions.  That’s a major trigger for her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Achey,

I imagine you are desperate now, doing everything in your power to get your daughter some help.  I was in your shoes too.  And it practically killed us to get the bills for sessions that were skipped, especially considering that there were no valid excuses (a job emergency, a sickness, etc.).  She was frequently a no-show, not even bothering to cancel.

I think the reality might be that your daughter isn't ready for therapy.  If she thinks it's a waste of time, then it's a waste of time (and money).  If you are the one arranging therapy for her, then she probably didn't want it in the first place.  If she agreed to go, maybe it was only to get concessions from you (like more rent, spending money, idle vacation time spent waiting until therapy begins).

Unfortunately, I think that therapy only works when the patient wants it to work, because therapy IS work.  And people with BPD often lack insight and self-awareness.  They are often obsessed with blaming others for their problems and poor choices.  Does that ring true in your daughter's case?

Your daughter might need to hit bottom before she starts taking therapy seriously.  I'm sorry to say that, but that was true in my stepdaughter's case.  The upshot is that when she finally decided that therapy was her very last hope to start to feel better, she started taking it seriously, and she turned her life around.  She's still a work in progress, but she's in a much better place right now.

[AcheyMom]

It wasn’t me that insisted she go.  It was set up through a mental health organization that helps her.  It was a free program that did 1 group session and one private session per week for 6 months. She may have agreed to it to fake to CPS that she was interested in getting better.  They had been monitoring her the past few months after returning her son to her after a 6 month stay with his aunt. It was in the court system.  They dropped their supervision order just 2 weeks ago and she stopped going to therapy right away.  I fear she has no rock bottom. Her son has been removed from her care 4 times now and each time gets more serious. He is almost 12 so the next time he will probably be old enough to just say he’s not going back.  He tried that this time but they forced him to return.  As he says already “she can be pretty convincing”.  He already sees how manipulative she is.  What a mess.  I really hoped this time had been her rock bottom and that she wanted the help.  She has more than just BPD she also has Bipolar Disorder and substance abuse issues. I fear she will eventually homeless. I can not have her in my home again, not until she gets serious help. My grandson of course, would always be welcome.  We have had him in our care on 3 occasions. We have had her come back home a few times as an adult and it doesn’t work.  She thrives on chaos and we need peace in our home.  It frustrates me that she gets all these free resources and doesn’t participate.  It’s so hard for people to get mental health help where we live. So many people are hanging on by a thread right now. I am really afraid she has no rock  bottom.

[CC43]

Achey, I’m so sorry about your situation. I’m recalling the details about your poor grandson. Indeed it seems your daughter was just « going along » with treatment to get something she wanted—her son back—and not with the goal of working on her issues or getting to a better place. Maybe her bottom is much lower. Or maybe she doesn’t hit it, and she continues with her dysfunctional ways, hurting the people who love her in the process. I’m not sure how to make you feel better. I know you’re trying to be there for your grandson, and he’s old enough now to know you’re on his side. It must be tearing you apart. The authorities are trying to work with your daughter, but as the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water….

I hope you can find a way to cope. All my best to you.