Porcupine's Dilemma & My thoughts

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I commented on a post a few days ago and a member wrote something along the lines of "why be/stay in a relationship that needs fixing?"

I recall a Schopenhaeur theory called "porcupine's dilemma" which states that porcupines during winter try to huddle together to keep warm but eventually end up pricking each other and have to distance themselves from each other.   Took this from wikipedia

"The hedgehog's dilemma suggests that despite goodwill, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm, and what results is cautious behavior and weak relationships"

This is the case with my uBPDex. Due to their upbringing they simply cannot sustain what true intimacy is, she often stated love is this chaotic drama. The paradox with my ex and perhaps many others on here is that they *YEARN* for love and reciprocity, but do not have a clue what it really is and when they find someone who loves them they think they're not deserving of it. In addition, this paradox includes a yearning for love but like the procupines, once someone gets too close the BPD "pricks" them away and this will occur with many other porcupines. It's a very sad paradox that they live. I know that I need to work on myself because I kept trying to get closer and closer despite getting "pricked" several times. It hurts when we leave and they move on, it hurts that I'm "forgotten", it hurts that I tried so hard but I couldnt achieve any REAL intimacy without getting harm and on the flipside I caused her harm because I triggered her fears of abandoment In a BPD relationship, there will always be some sort of harm in BOTH parties. I wish I wasn't that way, I wish we could of worked out but what is there for me to work out if she didn't want to improve!

Just a rant, needed to get off my chest. I hope everyone is staying strong. I'm realizing how dark it is to live with BPD. I've always feared she is going to do better with the next guy and live a wonderful life. However, like a the porcupine, they have hundreds if not thousands of quills that is extremely hard to get rid of just like BPD.

[Iamdizzy]

I commented on a post a few days ago and a member wrote something along the lines of "why be/stay in a relationship that needs fixing?"

I recall a Schopenhaeur theory called "porcupine's dilemma" which states that porcupines during winter try to huddle together to keep warm but eventually end up pricking each other and have to distance themselves from each other.   Took this from wikipedia

"The hedgehog's dilemma suggests that despite goodwill, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm, and what results is cautious behavior and weak relationships"

This is the case with my uBPDex. Due to their upbringing they simply cannot sustain what true intimacy is, she often stated love is this chaotic drama. The paradox with my ex and perhaps many others on here is that they *YEARN* for love and reciprocity, but do not have a clue what it really is and when they find someone who loves them they think they're not deserving of it. In addition, this paradox includes a yearning for love but like the procupines, once someone gets too close the BPD "pricks" them away and this will occur with many other porcupines. It's a very sad paradox that they live. I know that I need to work on myself because I kept trying to get closer and closer despite getting "pricked" several times. It hurts when we leave and they move on, it hurts that I'm "forgotten", it hurts that I tried so hard but I couldnt achieve any REAL intimacy without getting harm and on the flipside I caused her harm because I triggered her fears of abandoment In a BPD relationship, there will always be some sort of harm in BOTH parties. I wish I wasn't that way, I wish we could of worked out but what is there for me to work out if she didn't want to improve!

Just a rant, needed to get off my chest. I hope everyone is staying strong. I'm realizing how dark it is to live with BPD. I've always feared she is going to do better with the next guy and live a wonderful life. However, like a the porcupine, they have hundreds if not thousands of quills that is extremely hard to get rid of just like BPD.

[Iamdizzy]

I forgot to add, I scared her because I got too close, She "loved" me in her own special way as destructive as it was that's what she could put out, how could you expect a poor man to take out a million dollars, he will give what he possibly can. That's the love she could put out thats what she knew. It's hurtful what she has done to me and in time I will forgive her, on my own time after alot of self growth.

I realized their behavior, the pugnacious behavior, is a reaction to us getting too close, they 'love' us to a point that they hate it, they're scared. They're not acting rational anymore.

[snappafcw]

This is perspective I really needed to hear right now. It makes me look at my ex with compassion and maybe for awhile it was real at least as it possibly could be. I guess in a strange way we need to take the split as a compliment. If we were not the closest person in their life they wouldn't leave

[Iamdizzy]

snappafcw,

I am still deeply hurt and I'm angry, I alternate between a point of understanding to a point of hate, anger, a "I don't want her happy!" state. I much rather strive to be in an understanding state. It's hard, in BPD terms, im fresh out of the relationship. But I do believe it's true and as countless people have told me, they will not be better with the next person why? they will keep doing the same thing. We have a chance to grow. Fking HARD this growth but I think it will save us from future destructive relationships. All the best!

[Deleted]

very interesting Iamdizzy! I must say is a great perspective you have on here.

[Iamdizzy]

Thanks deleted! And like your name states, I hope you have deleted her out of your life and are doing much better.

[BlushAndBashful]

Long before I knew what BPD is (heck, long before the REAL roller coaster started)... . I forwarded that story to my pwBPD. I thought it was so fitting for our r/s, and I tried using it to explain how we needed to find that comfortable distance where we could keep warm and not hurt each other. For him, it was all or nothing- intense passion and smothering, and then total isolation and abandonment. I kept trying to find that middle ground.  Little did I know back then that this would be indicative of our entire 7 years together. Had I but only known... .