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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Does Splitting Black turn Back, to White?  (Read 37001 times)
lurchlookalike
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« on: February 08, 2010, 01:15:11 PM »

I understand that par for the course when involved with a BPD goes something like: 1) You can do no wrong; 2) Inevitable conflicts begin to ensue; 3) You're eventually assessed as completely evil and can do nothing right (for long). I think this is referred to as splitting black, or black & white thinking, with the non-BPD partner always ending up as the "bad guy" in time. You start out as a knight in shining armor, and gradually become the devil himself in their eyes. Unless they get help, this is the typical way it goes.

This seems to be the course I've observed although it's hard to say how much I'm reading into it. Question is once you have been "split to black", does their perception ever reverse itself to being perceived as white again? Or, is this "split to black" a more or less permanent mental verdict?

Thanks again in advance!

x
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movingon1

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« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2010, 01:36:54 PM »

My experience is that you are split black for a long time.  I have not seen my BPD ex wife in 9 months but any email contact we have had has been negative.  She just blames, blames, blames.  It does not get any better until they find themselves dumped again by whomever they were with after you and they might try to get you back.
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lurchlookalike
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« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2010, 04:56:19 PM »

Yep, that's how it looks to me too. It's like when this rigid stereotype sets in, while there may be minor remissions, that's it. You're labeled as bad.

Gracias Amigo.
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unknown
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« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2010, 06:08:41 PM »

this is something ive been wondering since i started learning about BPD, and from all the research ive done, it seems that there is no permanent split. because if they can split you permentaly black, wouldnt they be able to split you permentaly white as well?  it seems like the split and how long it lasts depends on many differnt thinigs such as how close you are with them, what stressor happend in the person with BPDs life that made them split you,  who there seeing instead of you at the moment... .etc. it seems like it all depends on whats going on in THEIR life and dosent have anything to do with you even if you try as hard as you can to make them like you again. like movingon1 said, if her new relationship with the person after you dosent work out, i could imagine her seeing you as all good again because she would be abandonded by her new guy. but while shes with the new person, what reason would she have to seeing you as all good when somone else is in that place? untill she starts splitting him too... .

i know it sucks but thats how it seems to work.

i know that its hard to find logic to borderlines actions, but thats the best i got from doin alot of research on splitting.  

if anyone wants to correct me on anything i said, feel free  because im still learning.
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lurchlookalike
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« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2010, 11:04:01 PM »

Thanks unknown, I can see that too. It may in fact key in on another party even if that would be a

family member filling the "all good" void. That's really perceptive on your part and even though I think I am in fact "split black", there is another "split white" that is likely filling that particular need. I'm just guessing though.

Your analogy is very logical. Thank you!

C







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GodofNietzsche
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« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2010, 08:26:46 AM »

It does not get any better until they find themselves dumped again by whomever they were with after you and they might try to get you back.

I agree, I think my ex has recently started to paint me white again.  We went over a year with NC between us.  Before that, I did try to reach out to her to bury the hatchet, only to get stepped on.

But out of nowhere she wants to be friends.  After some thought, I decided to talk to her.  She sounded excited to talk to me.  She also informed me she hasn't had a boyfriend since me, and wants to go to dinner if I'm in her area.

Strange, after over a year, you'd think they'd just detach even more.  Now she wants to re-engagement, and even see me.  nothing's changed between us, only her own perception.  Oh, and the no boyfriend thing is a big clue to me.  I love playing second fiddle to her inability to find someone else.  Unless she's realized that I was a good boyfriend and I did everything in my power to make it work.
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unknown
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« Reply #6 on: February 09, 2010, 07:29:30 PM »

^ thats pretty suprising
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jalk
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« Reply #7 on: February 10, 2010, 05:05:17 PM »

I feel once you're black you're black. In the event that the new found love of their life doesn't work out... .and that is always the case in an untreated Borderline... .she/he will be looking to attach onto someone else, immediately. My ex, she's something. She looks for the next victim while still in the relationship so she doesn't need to skip a beat. She wanted to have a friendship with me after she left me but in reality, she wanted to lead me on... .I know that. I don't need a friend like her. She lies and cheats for starters. Who would want that in a friendship? Not me. So, my feeling, I'm black. She is probably curious to know what I have been up to or if I have a new love... .let her wonder. Just know this, if by some small chance you become white again, you will become black in the future. Do you want that? Ugh!
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unknown
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« Reply #8 on: February 10, 2010, 05:43:22 PM »

I feel once you're black you're black. In the event that the new found love of their life doesn't work out... .and that is always the case in an untreated Borderline... .she/he will be looking to attach onto someone else, immediately. My ex, she's something. She looks for the next victim while still in the relationship so she doesn't need to skip a beat. She wanted to have a friendship with me after she left me but in reality, she wanted to lead me on... .I know that. I don't need a friend like her. She lies and cheats for starters. Who would want that in a friendship? Not me. So, my feeling, I'm black. She is probably curious to know what I have been up to or if I have a new love... .let her wonder. Just know this, if by some small chance you become white again, you will become black in the future. Do you want that? Ugh!

well your only speaking from whats happening to you in the present. you dont know what will happen in a couple years. right now im completly hated by my BPDxgf and it feels like she will never ever split me white again. but after reading all about re-engages, and how splitting works it seems completley possible for her to try to get you back at sometime in the future. ive read about a BPD women who broke up with her boyfriend, got married to someone else for 4 years, divorced him and had a couple other boyfriends then tried to contact the first guy again

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« Reply #9 on: February 10, 2010, 05:54:12 PM »

my ex paints me black and then white again all the time. 
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unknown
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« Reply #10 on: February 10, 2010, 05:58:02 PM »

my ex paints me black and then white again all the time.  

yeah thats how it seems to work. its just the time limit of how long a split lasts seems to depend on certain things. if a split was permanent, and i mean PERMANENT. like untill you die of old age, then there would be stories of BPDs splitting people white permanently too and dating a borderline would be a 50/50 shot at you getting the PERFECT girlfriend or the WORST

splitting is a defense mechanisim to deal with certain situations. but life is ever changing, and situations can change at the blink of an eye.

saying that a split can be FOREVER just dosent seem logical to me.

once again, this is just my opinion after reading about BPD for the last couple of months and getting lectured by a physchologist about it too.

if anyone wants to correct me, feel free.
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« Reply #11 on: February 10, 2010, 06:16:54 PM »

I agree with you.  I never thought about it in terms of any absolutes though.  like permanent splitting black doesnt mean they are capable of permanently splitting white to me. 

you are viewing this with too much logic brother!  there is no place for logic in insanity.   ;p

"splitting is a defense mechanisim to deal with certain situations. but life is ever changing, and situations can change at the blink of an eye."

this is right on man... . 

all my opinion! 
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jalk
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« Reply #12 on: February 10, 2010, 06:27:13 PM »

I've been with the understanding that the way a person becomes white is when the Borderline person NEEDS something from you. In other words, whatever they need at that moment in time ... .you fit the bill, you got the job. In my case, I feel the only way she would paint me white is if she has no other options. I would be sloppy seconds until someone else comes along, and then she will leave. Push/pull; push/pull.
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unknown
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« Reply #13 on: February 10, 2010, 06:27:47 PM »

I agree with you.  I never thought about it in terms of any absolutes though.  like permanent splitting black doesnt mean they are capable of permanently splitting white to me.  

hmm i dont know. ive heard alot of stories where people said that the splitting white and splitting black are both extremes. they both are part of the disorder. didnt you find it weird how much they LOVE you in the begining?

i was pretty shocked when my BPDexgf treated me like God. it was almost to the point where it felt uncomfortable haha. it seemed like she was actually obessed with me at one point.  but now she seemes to be the COMPLETE oppisite. so if one way could be permeanent, why couldnt the other one be permeanent too? there both part of the disorder.
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atwittsend
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« Reply #14 on: February 10, 2010, 06:33:31 PM »

but there is no norm or consistency.  its all whimsical to them.  its like a plastic bag floating in the wind... .it could be heading north but at any moment the winds change and it goes west.  and this wind can be any one or more of a thousand different things... .  (work, kids, news, stubbed toes, cant find a website) i dont think permanent belongs in the BPD handbook... .the only way away from them is stone cold NC established and enforced by the non.  I am scanning my brain to find one person who has been painted black permanently in here.  lets say even five years... .  gods example of one year sounds pretty extraordinary to me.  that tells me she was distracted for an entire year which boggles my mind.  mine cant stay focused for ten minutes.   
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unknown
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« Reply #15 on: February 10, 2010, 06:39:41 PM »

but there is no norm or consistency.  its all whimsical to them.  its like a plastic bag floating in the wind... .it could be heading north but at any moment the winds change and it goes west.  and this wind can be any one or more of a thousand different things... .  (work, kids, news, stubbed toes, cant find a website) i dont think permanent belongs in the BPD handbook... .the only way away from them is stone cold NC established and enforced by the non.  I am scanning my brain to find one person who has been painted black permanently in here.  lets say even five years... .  gods example of one year sounds pretty extraordinary to me.  that tells me she was distracted for an entire year which boggles my mind.  mine cant stay focused for ten minutes.   

yeah exactly. i dont think there is a permeanent at all in BPD. if there was, she would have loved me FOREVER like she said   

but yeah, it seems like anything can change it. and for the people who say that there ex split them black permenantly, you dont know the future. mabye at the moment shes not talking to you, but who knows what could happen down the road when one of her other relationships is failing or failed.
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atwittsend
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« Reply #16 on: February 10, 2010, 06:40:29 PM »

yup... .  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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GodofNietzsche
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« Reply #17 on: February 11, 2010, 08:38:59 AM »

I've seen others who've been re-engaged after a  year.  Actually i've seen two others posted recently about that.

You could say mine was distracted.  But truth is we had a really bad falling out, so that probably kept me black for a very long time.

If it was distraction it's because she got her first job out of college and moved to NYC.  I think that is definitely enough to kept an attractive, young girl distracted for a year.  But, she hasn't had a boyfriend yet, so maybe she's realizing something, like "how come I can't get a boyfriend?"

I think its possible to return to white.  But, I believe it would be hard to maintain being white for long. You'd constantly have to be on top of your game for that to happen.  So, the cycle will probably just return.
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« Reply #18 on: February 11, 2010, 08:46:40 AM »

To be honest, once I have made the move to totally disengage, I will be past caring if he thinks in black, white or technicolor! I will no doubt be the evil one, so I might as well keep that attitude!
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GodofNietzsche
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« Reply #19 on: February 11, 2010, 09:10:44 AM »

To be honest, once I have made the move to totally disengage, I will be past caring if he thinks in black, white or technicolor! I will no doubt be the evil one, so I might as well keep that attitude!

I think that's a great place to be, beyond caring how he feels about you.  I think I take being painted black way too personally.  It was just a matter of time before it happened.  It just sucks when you try so hard and as a result, they label you as evil/bad.  I used to think, wow, I must have done some bad things to deserve this.  It took a while to question whether I really deserved it or not.
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unknown
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« Reply #20 on: February 11, 2010, 07:22:46 PM »

To be honest, once I have made the move to totally disengage, I will be past caring if he thinks in black, white or technicolor! I will no doubt be the evil one, so I might as well keep that attitude!

I think that's a great place to be, beyond caring how he feels about you.  I think I take being painted black way too personally.  It was just a matter of time before it happened.  It just sucks when you try so hard and as a result, they label you as evil/bad.  I used to think, wow, I must have done some bad things to deserve this.  It took a while to question whether I really deserved it or not.

im sort of in that stage now =(  thats why ive been researching so much about BPD latley haha. its the only thing that helps me really keep my sanity.     

sad isnt it?  im only 19 
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« Reply #21 on: February 11, 2010, 07:40:22 PM »

I look at it as a positive unknown.  when I was 19 I was an idiot.  you have an advantage getting in and out of this quickly and relatively intact.  if you look at yourself and your choices you can avoid this in the future.  keep your head up bro! 
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« Reply #22 on: February 11, 2010, 09:21:53 PM »

I think my ex has me black and you know what? I don't care! If she wants to make me white? I still don't care!

I know what happens when you become white... .you get black all over again. Who needs this? Who has this kind of energy to want this kind of person in their life? I really don't care what she thinks after what she has done to our relationship. The deciet is too much to bear. Unreal!
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unknown
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« Reply #23 on: February 12, 2010, 12:21:02 AM »

^^^yeah really. she may split you white again... .but then what? you become black again? who want ssomeone in there life where all sudden your completly hated by them and nothing you did was ever good enough?

so stupied. thats one of the main reasons ive been trying to avoid this girl. i dont need someone like that in my life.
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« Reply #24 on: February 12, 2010, 08:11:47 AM »

To be honest, once I have made the move to totally disengage, I will be past caring if he thinks in black, white or technicolor! I will no doubt be the evil one, so I might as well keep that attitude!

I think that's a great place to be, beyond caring how he feels about you.  I think I take being painted black way too personally.  It was just a matter of time before it happened.  It just sucks when you try so hard and as a result, they label you as evil/bad.  I used to think, wow, I must have done some bad things to deserve this.  It took a while to question whether I really deserved it or not.

OH gosh, you know I still question things all the time. All I can think of is 're-engagement, re-engagement, no!' I still feel like I have done something bad, but then I think of the abuse and the pain and the lies I had to tell people about the marks on my body. It takes time to leave, and to be brave enough to leave, but you have to think about YOU! You will still think about anything bad you have done in your life and link it to the way that you have been treated in your BPD relationship, but you have to remember that NOTHING you have done should make you believe that you deserve the crap that you no doubt are getting/have been subjected to. Good luck with everything!  x
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lurchlookalike
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« Reply #25 on: February 12, 2010, 01:11:08 PM »

I hear all of this.

I was used to people liking me, and over time this negative treatment may have taken a subtle psychological toll. I'm a guy so don't have to worry about the physical abuse in this case, but verbal in some ways is worse. There's a saying in the Bible, and I have no idea why I remember these things, but it goes something to the effect: Don't fear those that kill the body, but those that kill the spirit. That is what I think we are dealing with here.

You know, I went to a class reunion after many years of no contact and what struck me as odd was how much my old classmates appeared to love me. I was shocked. It was all smiles, talking about funny things we used to do, nothing phoney and no forced conversation. It seemed so authentic and real that I was absolutely dazed for weeks.

Constant accusations that you are bad may take its toll with time, even on a strong positive person, and possibly even if you don't believe them. It's difficult to assess that from the inside looking out.

Happy Valentines Day & Thank You!



lurchlookalike
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« Reply #26 on: February 12, 2010, 01:52:41 PM »



I thought i was painted black completely and forever, but in the back of my mind i wondered if come January, would he follow his usual pattern and be ready to quit whatever relationship he was in now and perhaps appear on the radar again.  I seriously didn't think he would, but wondered... what if!  Almost a year to the date he broke up with me in a semi-permanent fashion, he pops up on the 27th January speaking to me on msn.  He broke up with his ex on the 20th jan 2007, me on the 22 jan 2009 and appears on 27 Jan 2010 while in a new relationship.  Completely bizarre behaviour.  It seems my ex never paints anyone black forever, they are always in some way, painted white or at least a creamy shade of eggshell!  The chronological pattern is weird and i don't know if he simply has a good side/bad side... end it attitude to relationships and it somehow ends up coincidentally happening in the same months or if he is a weird ritualistic relationship annihilator.
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« Reply #27 on: February 12, 2010, 02:23:51 PM »

I dont know if ya necessarily get "split white" again, but I dont think theres a time beyond which, you can say " well, I guess shes got me completely out of her system."

The woman who made me look into BPD, was someone I went through the complete cycle with twice . It made no sense till I found this place. I've been split black over 3 months now. At first it about made me crazy. It gets easier with time.

Looking back over my life, I've had one other relationship I'd describe as  very deep and intense. we were on and off for years. With the knowledge i now have about this disorder, Ive in the last few months come to think she may have BPD to some degree. alot of the behavior seems in retrospect to fit. about 24 years ago, she and I were togther again, she wanted to meet me to talk at a resturant, we met, we were going to go for a drive and talk. She said to me, " just a second, I wanna go back in and get my jacket. I left it inside. " She went back inside... .and left through a back door, I never heard from her again... .UNTIL... .

Guess who I got a one line email from recently?  Yup, her.

Dont really know if this one is BPD or not, but if she is, I guess it would prove that ya dont really know how long they can stay out of sight and then pop up again

Very strange... .
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lieslieslies
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« Reply #28 on: February 14, 2010, 01:24:40 AM »

this is something ive been wondering since i started learning about BPD, and from all the research ive done, it seems that there is no permanent split. because if they can split you permentaly black, wouldnt they be able to split you permentaly white as well?  it seems like the split and how long it lasts depends on many differnt thinigs such as how close you are with them, what stressor happend in the person with BPDs life that made them split you,  who there seeing instead of you at the moment... .etc. it seems like it all depends on whats going on in THEIR life and dosent have anything to do with you even if you try as hard as you can to make them like you again. like movingon1 said, if her new relationship with the person after you dosent work out, i could imagine her seeing you as all good again because she would be abandonded by her new guy. but while shes with the new person, what reason would she have to seeing you as all good when somone else is in that place? untill she starts splitting him too... .

i know it sucks but thats how it seems to work.

i know that its hard to find logic to borderlines actions, but thats the best i got from doin alot of research on splitting.  

if anyone wants to correct me on anything i said, feel free  because im still learning.

hi "learner",

I think what you have learned so far is absolutly right, congrats.

3L
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« Reply #29 on: February 14, 2010, 01:32:38 AM »

It does not get any better until they find themselves dumped again by whomever they were with after you and they might try to get you back.

I agree, I think my ex has recently started to paint me white again.  We went over a year with NC between us.  Before that, I did try to reach out to her to bury the hatchet, only to get stepped on.

But out of nowhere she wants to be friends.  After some thought, I decided to talk to her.  She sounded excited to talk to me.  She also informed me she hasn't had a boyfriend since me, and wants to go to dinner if I'm in her area.

Strange, after over a year, you'd think they'd just detach even more.  Now she wants to re-engagement, and even see me.  nothing's changed between us, only her own perception.  Oh, and the no boyfriend thing is a big clue to me.  I love playing second fiddle to her inability to find someone else.  Unless she's realized that I was a good boyfriend and I did everything in my power to make it work.

hi g,

personaly I would not take that for granted, as it is just when they say that they havnt been together wirh someone, they have, sorry.

3L
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