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Author Topic: Does Splitting Black turn Back, to White?  (Read 37002 times)
bluesclues
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« Reply #60 on: November 16, 2011, 09:59:30 PM »

It does not get any better until they find themselves dumped again by whomever they were with after you and they might try to get you back.

I agree, I think my ex has recently started to paint me white again.  We went over a year with NC between us.  Before that, I did try to reach out to her to bury the hatchet, only to get stepped on.

But out of nowhere she wants to be friends.  After some thought, I decided to talk to her.  She sounded excited to talk to me.  She also informed me she hasn't had a boyfriend since me, and wants to go to dinner if I'm in her area.

Strange, after over a year, you'd think they'd just detach even more.  Now she wants to re-engagement, and even see me.  nothing's changed between us, only her own perception.  Oh, and the no boyfriend thing is a big clue to me.  I love playing second fiddle to her inability to find someone else.  Unless she's realized that I was a good boyfriend and I did everything in my power to make it work.

Be extremely wary... .My BPD ex of course swore up and down that he hadn't seen anyone during a 3 month split, that he was just focusing on getting better so one day he'd have a shot with me again.

Then I ended up with an STD from one of the girls he was doing drugs and sleeping with.
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topknot
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« Reply #61 on: November 16, 2011, 11:10:11 PM »

Every person in his world, when I was with him, was horrible -- he said such nasty, hurtful things about them, like his daughter gaining weight and "looking fat" - let's forget that he told me he has always had to fight putting weight on himself.  And then, voila, every person in his world was miraculously okay again.  No one I knew was painted black forever - he couldn't accept anyone was gone for good.
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LifeIsOn
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« Reply #62 on: November 17, 2011, 02:14:06 AM »

It really is that simple for a person with BPD to cut someone out of their life suddenly and harshly and move on to their next victim. They have a brain disorder. Think of it like their mind is wired differently. They feel very little if anything about who they were just in a relationship with. We (us nons) are simply nothing more that a disposable resource for them that provided some service (feeling safe, comfort, sex, money, drugs, whatever) for them for a specific time period. They don't really care since in their mind, they most likely have painted us black, blamed us, twisted and distorted the truth in order to project any and all responsibility for the failed relationship on us. If it's all our fault for not living up to their ridiculous fantasy of us being a shining white knight - then we got what we deserved. Shame on us nons for not being able to be whatever they wanted us to be when they wanted! The reality of course is that no one can fill the void in their lives which is why they quickly move on. If they kept us around, they would then have to deal with us trying to make them feel accountable, take responsibility for their own poor choices and abusive behavior. In my case, my exBPDgf told me she "couldn't bear to hear what a bad person she was". The crap she did to me I wouldn't do to my worst enemy!

Do they miss us? Paint us black then white? Short, blunt answer is WHO CARES? IT DOESN'T MATTER! Enough time with no contact and you'll come to realize that. Seriously - I think they miss some of what we provided at times. I think they miss the attention, sex, drama, challenge, etc. etc. They usually have a long list of other ex-soul mates/non's that they can poke in and out of their lives whenever they feel a bit lonely or needy. The reality is that they don't miss us the way we miss them. I really don't think they give a crap about missing the relationship - just missing having some soul mate being available to fill in their endless, needy pit of despair.

Do they hurt? Of course - their life is one great big never ending pit of misery, drama, neediness, and poor choices. I suppose I should only speak about my own exBPDgf. She lives in a vicious cycle of stupidity - constant btching, always hurting, depression, controlling, mad about little things, etc which makes her hate herself and her lives even more. So what does she do to fill that great big empty void? Find some new unsuspecting non to hook up with. My exBPDgf painted me black but still contacts me in different ways of social networks and cell phone. From what I know she is banging her douchebag boss and he is in the seat of a bad storm coming up and she will realize that she should never dip her pen in the company's ink. Thats even worse with a person with BPD. Sure - this new soul mate will be the one and understands them. And within a few weeks/months, the cycle repeats itself. Paint them black, carry more and more baggage on to the next bad relationship, blame the last soul mate for everything wrong in the world, find new people that don't know her so she can play the victim. 

Life moves on. You can't change them. It's very hard to even understand them without having enough time away from the situation. Keep posting. Resist the urge to contact them - trust me - NOTHING good will happen. You didn't cause their issues - they were there way before you & they will be there most likely long after. Focus on the one thing you can change: yourself!

Best of luck in your journey!

BT
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lurchlookalike
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« Reply #63 on: November 17, 2011, 08:47:06 AM »

It really is that simple for a person with BPD to cut someone out of their life suddenly and harshly and move on to their next victim. They have a brain disorder. Think of it like their mind is wired differently. They feel very little if anything about who they were just in a relationship with. We (us nons) are simply nothing more that a disposable resource for them that provided some service (feeling safe, comfort, sex, money, drugs, whatever) for them for a specific time period. They don't really care since in their mind, they most likely have painted us black, blamed us, twisted and distorted the truth in order to project any and all responsibility for the failed relationship on us. If it's all our fault for not living up to their ridiculous fantasy of us being a shining white knight - then we got what we deserved. Shame on us nons for not being able to be whatever they wanted us to be when they wanted! The reality of course is that no one can fill the void in their lives which is why they quickly move on. If they kept us around, they would then have to deal with us trying to make them feel accountable, take responsibility for their own poor choices and abusive behavior. In my case, my exBPDgf told me she "couldn't bear to hear what a bad person she was". The crap she did to me I wouldn't do to my worst enemy!

I believe you are right on target with that Brad. If you're the man in the relationship it's like living with an alpha male in a woman's body, and a crazy one at that. She wants to be in charge (of me) and it just won't work unless I become dysfunctional too.

It took quite a while to realize what is going on here, but now I do. There are periods of calm but it's not long until the rollercoaster ride begins once again, over what would be such minor events in a normal persons life.

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LifeIsOn
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« Reply #64 on: November 17, 2011, 11:53:02 AM »

Yeah, I know lurchlookalike, it was a hard pill to swallow for me. I was engaged to my exBPDgf and she left me for her boss. But we have to remember, they do tend to come back when their new relationship doesn't work out... Why? because they fear abandonment. I know my ex will be back but I moved on and with someone else now. I still love her yes but she disrespected me in the end. I was good to her and her best friends hate her new man but love me to death. My advice is to move on but if you decide to take your ex back. Take it slow and let her come to you. I would advice her to DBT as they cannot help themselves or a non can help them. They need therapy to do that and sadly... many of them refuse to get help because they dont realize that they have BPD. But if the situation of PUSH/PULL keeps going. Back off and let her come to you and keep it short n kind.

Good Luck!

I joined this because I understand how it worked because I studied my past and the hell she put me through in the last 2.5 years and I didn't full realize it til after the break up and saw all the red flags. In my situation, Im not worried about my ex cuz my revenge on the boss is coming and it through my ex. I will kick back and have my popcorn ready. It be in a few months because my hell didn't start til 3 or 4 months into the relationship so my revenge is coming Smiling (click to insert in post)
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mermaid8
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« Reply #65 on: November 17, 2011, 06:36:35 PM »

I studied my past and the hell she put me through in the last 2.5 years and I didn't full realize it til after the break up and saw all the red flags.

I agree with what you say Brad. It wasn't until my breakup with my BPDbf that I found this site and began to put the pieces together... .Then all of the Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  that started to really add up over the course of my 3 yr r/s. For most of my r/s I kept looking within myself for something that I had done wrong, or said, or reacted to, to cause the constant dysregulation and push pull behavior. But the abrupt way in which he "dumped me" left me to wonder how deeply disturbed and ill he really was... .The way that he so easily discarded the "love of his life" made me question how anyone in "their right mind" could just do that... .Sometimes it takes some distance from the situation to truly see how ill the pwBPD is and how toxic the r/s was. So many things that ocurred with his behavior now at least makes sense because it is exactly what everyone on here is talking about and has experienced. I know that I am wounded from this experience and r/s but with the support and help on this site, I will be ok.

The sad part is that in the beginning when my ex began to display some strange behavior and mood swings, I thought he was depressed. He was open about having suffered from depression throughout his life so I just thought he was suffering bouts of it. But there was something MORE than just depression. The thought processes and the constant switching his opinions and feelings towards people that changed so drastically from like to hate. I joined a depression supporters support group a year into our r/s because I thought that was the issue... .but he is definitely a pwBPD. I don't know that he is being treated for it or has been officially diagnosed. He fits the majority of the characteristics.

All of that being said, I just wanted to agree that it has taken me some distance to truly see how ill he is and I am sure that in time, once his next r/s fails (and it will) that he might contact me. Sadly he also split me black with his children... .I do not know what he has told them, but his daughter, that I was extremely close too began treating me differently just weeks before he broke up with me. It was strange and yet know I understand why. Because he split me black and made sure his kids were on the same page before he broke up. That way he wouldn't have to do any kind of explanation about why he broke up with me if I was a "bad person"in their eyes... .
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LifeIsOn
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« Reply #66 on: November 17, 2011, 08:13:39 PM »

mermaid8, Im sorry that you went through that. I feel sorry for everyone who suffered from the hell that their exBPD put them through. My ex was not horrible but with 3 to 4 months, she got clingy and controlling and got mad if i was out with friends or with my own mother! She started to blame and tell me I didn't love her and that I would leave her and never take her back. In the end I wanted her back but I realized that I deserved better. I worked in the same building as she did but different design firm and the drama became too much and I end up quitting a great job and moving back to my hometown to get away. She soonly started to blame that I was the reason the relationship ended and that she is with her boss now. My ex has no clue that she has BPD. She suffers greatly in depression and eating disorder. She was on her meds and in therapy when we were together and I supported her 100% with them. after we broke up. she stopped taking her med and quit therapy and depending it all on her boss. She painted me black but still contacts me because she says that I was the best bf she had but when I realized that she didn't respect me and betrayed me in the end. I painted her black and moved on. It is still eating her alive and I met a great gal that loves and respects me much more than my ex did. I still love my ex but I had to move on because I found out Im much happier now and I know she will never be truely happy without therapy.

Don't beat yourself up on it. Learn from it and move on. Life moves on and trust me, you sound like a great person and there is someone out there waiting for you and you will find him someday and you will get the love and respect you deserve. I did and Im telling you that you will. I didn't think I would for few months after she broke it up. You have a big heart and use it to someone who deserves your love.

I can understand what your saying about his children. To me it sounds like they are used to it and that they switch their mind into because they were basically trained to. A good example will be "Monkey see, Monkey do". I feel sorry for them that they have to see that but Im not saying that all BPD parents are bad or that all children of BPD do that but what I mean is that from what you say, it sounds like that.

Yes, My ex never went back to an ex of hers but that was because they treated her like crap and I treated her the best. she might come back but I have moved on and the question you will have to ask yourself is if he comes back and wants another chance. ":)o you want to go through the hell he put you through again and will he do it again and paint you black?" That what I would do if my ex came back if I was single at that time.

I never got an explanation about why she broke it off and left me for her douchebag boss but I have accepted the lost and moved on. They don't know why they end things fully because their mind is like a child. From what I read, you are a wonderful person for supporting him and expecting nothing in return but got betrayed. You deserve better my friend. Its really not your lost, its theirs. You could been the best thing they ever had and they could lost it forever. We know that we were the best and ever will be. Keep in mind. Nothing is ever enough for them. Its how their relationship cycle works. (Sweet/Controlling/Black)
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LifeIsOn
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« Reply #67 on: November 17, 2011, 08:33:50 PM »

And I also realized that we (nons) work harder on a r/s with a BPD than in a normal relationship. That is another thing to think about as well. Stay Strong! Best of luck in your journey!
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mermaid8
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« Reply #68 on: November 17, 2011, 08:58:30 PM »

Bradt, thank you for your kind words of encouragement. It is really uplifting to hear from someone who has been able to find happiness and love after such a toxic r/s. I am sorry that you had to go through your r/s with your ex as I know that it must have been painful. I am glad that you are in a good place now.

I think that for me what I must work on is being able to trust again before I get into my next r/s. Just about everything that my ex told me was contridicted as some point. He contradicted his decisions and his feelings. If he said he loved me and couldn't get enough of me, then another time, he would say that he felt smothered and could't feel anything and was "no good" for anyone.  I trusted that he really  loved me unconditionally and let my guard down and let him into my heart because it felt "safe". I know everyone on this board has been there. Looking back, I don't know what was real and what wasn't with regards to what he said to me.

Another thing my ex did which was completely confusing, is he would be very insecure and believe that every guy was looking to hit on me or had the hots for me when it was not true at all! He was very jeolous for no reason at all! He even claimed that my business attorney was hitting on me when I would tell him various details of my meetings. It was ridiculous! If there was some reason that I might be too tired to meet him, he would get concerned that it was because I "stopped loving him". How juvenile is that? This is why it was so hard to believe that someone who was concerned that I would leave the r/s that He was the one to leave me... .

I am still scratching my head and trying to "make sense" of what happened... .and I know that in time that will go away. It is still somewhat fresh, as our break up occurred 2 months ago. Just about 3 or 4 weeks prior to the break up, he had nightmare that woke him up in the middle of the night. when I asked what was wrong, he told me that he had a bad nightmare that I broke up with him. Certainly doesn't make much sense that after hearing that that he would be the one to dump me with little explanation or shall I say, some really lame-ass reasons that didn't even make sense. If HE was afraid that i would break up... .then why did he do that to me?

Just like your ex, My ex also suffers from an eating disorder. He once weighed almost 350 lbs. I did not know him then. I met him after he shed his weight and was very fit and trim... .But he gained about 60 lbs back during the last year and it threw him into a bad frame of mind. The up and down with his weight has been a constant battle. More so than just someone who has to watch their weight. There is something more behind his reason for eating... .and now I realize that it is BPD.

As for the kids, you made a good point. They are probably used to it. I am the third longterm r/s he has had since he divorced their mom 10 years ago. It breaks my heart that the bond that I had with the kids is now gone. I am just one more female role model that has been yanked from their lives so abruptly. I am sure the kids must be majorly confused because I was pretty much like "part of the family". We even went to Disney together as a family this year. Not to mention their mom lives on the other coast and they only see her a few times a year.

It was good to read your words about finding someone else somedayl Right now I am feeling somewhat hopeless.I thought I had found "the one" finally when I met my ex. This disorder really can do a mind f*** on the nons like us.

If he came back to me asking for another chance, I would have to really sit down and have a talk with him to find out why he wanted to come back. I know that someone does not get cured from this disorder and that it would end up being a repeat of what I have already experienced. So I know that I could not do that. I could not live a lifetime of push pull. I DO deserve better. At this point I don't know if he would eve try to get me back. I do miss him terribly even though it was not a perfectly healthy r/s.

You have given me hope Bradt! Thank you for coming on the board to offer your encouragement for those of us dealing.   
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LifeIsOn
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« Reply #69 on: November 17, 2011, 09:27:24 PM »

Thank you. It was a hard pill to swallow at the end. I felt the exact same when I met my ex. I thought she was the most beautiful girl and the one. Thats why I asked her to marry me. I was looking forward to the wedding that never happened. I was miserable for about 2 half months. Its ok to still feel hopeless, I did as well. Its perfectly normal. I still miss my ex today still. I miss the kisses, the laughter, the time we spend together. We went to europe together last year and that was the best week we ever had. My ex used to get jealous about girls talking to me but I was not a flirt at all. The boss is a womanizer and a big time flirt. But I moved on and took it slow with my gal and she respected me for that and I slowly trusted her and opened my heart to her.

The reason that he ended it is because when you end it with a BPD, they cannot stand that because they fear it so they end it with the non so they don't have to suffer the feeling of abandonment as greatly as what they would felt if you ended it. You have to remember that they fear abandonment.

My ex was skinny when I met her but she lost a few pounds (115) and when she moved and started to hang with her boss before I moved up there. she gained up to 135. From what I have heard she gained even more now but I dont keep a track of her. Her friends do because they want me back with her.

It will take time to recover. Just stay strong and positive. Hit the gym, change your appearance, make yourself proud and feel good about yourself.

I can gladly give you an advice of what I did. I wrote a short list to remind me why I needed to move on and I kept it in my pocket in case I needed to read it.

MOVE ON BECAUSE THEY ALREADY HAVE

STOP HOPING BECAUSE THE HOPE IS GONE

DONT DWELL ON THE PAST. FOCUS ON THE PRESENT AND FUTURE

YOU CANNOT CHANGE THEM

ITS ALL ABOUT ME NOW

I DESERVE BETTER

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

I AM FREE NOW

Stay positive and True Love is out there waiting and god has set a path for you to find it. It will take time and it will be worth it in the end. Life is full of mysteries.
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mermaid8
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« Reply #70 on: November 18, 2011, 02:47:19 PM »

Thanks again Brad, your words helped. It even made me cry a little because I felt hopeful when reading.  Smiling (click to insert in post) Your list is a great idea. I have done something similar by listing the things that were difficult to deal with in regard to my ex's behavior... .those things, I won't ever miss. Your last line on your list that says "I'm free" really touched me because even though I have been extremely sad, I also have a sense that I am free from ever having to "worry" about his mood or his reactions or how he will make me feel bad about myself for doing nothing except being myself. What is hard is that as time goes on, I tend to "glorify" the good times and reminisce. But those times became less and less and as the r/s progressed, I felt anxiety each time he would text or call because I didn't know what kind of mood he would be in... .and that is not a sign of a healthy r/s. Later in the r/s I felt that my reaching out to call or text became intrusive if he was in a funk and instead of my bf being happy to hear from me, I could sense distance and annoyance in his voice and tone. It really made me feel bad about myself. This man who used to love me so much was feeling annoyed by me... .Those are the things that I won't miss.

I started back at the gym today and will begin my journey as a new beginning. I will always love my ex, but I won't be controlled by him, and I truly wish him the best. THAT is unconditional love. He stabbed me in the heart, but because I can see his dysfunction as something that has a hold on him, I can only hope that he can someday feel ok inside. Deep inside, I know he didn't mean to hurt me. I was the best that I could have possibly have been for him.

Thank you again Brad. Please stay on this board to continue offering your optimism to all of us "nons". It really helps!   
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LifeIsOn
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« Reply #71 on: November 18, 2011, 05:09:17 PM »

Im not going anywhere. Im here to help the others that are struggling and I am here to do my best to give them advices because I did the same on this and it was a big help to move on.

Looks like you are making progress here. Keep it up and go into NC (No Contact) it was a big help for me. It ate my ex up and still is with NC but she knows that I have moved on. I still treasure the good times I had with my ex and I carried that to my new journey with my new girl and making new memories to it. You all will in time. You are free from his leash like I am from my ex's. The memories are painful because that was when you were the happiest and your heart misses that. But the hope that I can advice you is that your heart will be happy again down the road. I know my ex misses the old memories too but she changed into a different worse person than b4 and I realized that she was not the girl that I fell in love with. One other thing I learned was that when they meet someone else, they mold themselves into what the other person likes and gets tire of it and move on to the next and sometimes they switch back to the old way with the other ex. I have seen it happen but we cannot keep the hope of that happening because right now its gone. Remember that life moves on.

My ex stabbed and shattered my heart into million pieces and I had to rebuild it again. I know my ex doesn't understand how it feels to have her hear broken like mine was. Never will. They dont mean to hurt their exes because they dont know how much the damage they have done because they dont feel the same way we do about it. They feed on the love you offer. Yes they do love you but not how we love them. That was one of the hardest pill for me to swallow when I found that out.

Just respond to this and I will help anyone in anyway I can

Keep it up and good luck!
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LifeIsOn
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« Reply #72 on: November 18, 2011, 05:14:06 PM »

I also think this to myself as well. I denf dodged a bullet and you all did and it will take time to get out of the fog. I concerned my rebuilding was getting out of the fog. That is another way to think of it as well
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LostProphet
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« Reply #73 on: May 05, 2015, 02:16:08 AM »

After reading all the comments,even though no one has commented in over 90 days,i had to leave my experience.I have been on and off with my BPD ex gf 5 times over 4 years and every time she has split me black only to split me white again after so much time apart.Although every time its gets longer and longer between being painted white again.The last time we got back together she had been engaged to someone else and tried to start things back up with me but i wouldn't allow that as i don't care if she was my gf first,she was in a serious relationship with someone else and i don't wreck anyone's relationship,so i stopped talking to her and stayed away from any accidental run ins.I think that drove her even more crazy because a couple month's later she had broken it off with her fiance and was doing anything she could to get my attention.I didn't do anything to change anything about myself or act any different than i always do.She just needed me at that time so i was useful to her and therefor was split white again.So what i'm trying to say is that almost with complete certainty,being split black is not permanent and you cant really put a time limit on it,but you can almost guarantee they will come back to some degree when they either are alone,needy or bored.You will get another chance to show them you learned your lesson and don't need them in your life anymore or get split black again.No matter what,you aren't going to make it work unless they get therapy.I know i have my issues for going back with this woman 5 times and thinking it would work somehow this time,actually that's the definition of crazy,I'm pretty sure,but I've always been a person who sees the good in everyone and always believes that miracles happen every day,I love and trust to a fault and i often don't like to give up even when it's in my best interest but I've been able to do things that others couldn't because i didn't give up and like i said,i'm loyal to a fault sometimes.So,don't beat yourselves up or be too hard on yourselves as with most of you,there is no reason to blame yourself just because you loved these people with all you had and they turned out to be liars and cheaters and just horrible people.You can never regret giving something,especially love,all that you had and it didn't work out.Atleast you know what real love is and know how sad it is for that other person who left you as they will never truly know what real love is.That is something i can hold my head up high through all this,yeah,i got hurt bad and i should have known better but i gave them everything i had and loved them with every ounce of my being and they still rejected me in the end.Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all,i will love again and so will you but most likely they will never know that feeling and to me that's the worst punishment you could ever have to live with!Good luck to all who have to experience the Bpd relationship and i hope you the fastest and easiest recovery,Godspeed!
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Ashwin
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« Reply #74 on: April 21, 2016, 02:56:45 AM »

Hello folks I just went thru thus thread feeling puzzled kindly look into my posts and give me ur valuable opinion tq
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Stripey77
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« Reply #75 on: April 21, 2016, 05:23:08 AM »

Ashwin... .where are your posts?
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Accept what is,
Let go of what was
and have faith in what will be.
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« Reply #76 on: April 21, 2016, 05:28:03 AM »

I do not have much hope for ever being permanently white again -- not that I particularly care.

I am the blackest black right now, and so is anyone who took my side in the breakup.

I got painted white for an afternoon back in October.  It was fascinating, and odd for our mutual friends to watch, but it didn't last long at all.

The long and short of it is that you are an anxiety trigger.  All you have to do to be painted black is slightly resemble someone or something that hurt this person before.  It is a lot like having PTSD -- and entire way of being defined by PTSD-like symptoms and actions.  Once you trigger that fight or flight response, they are pretty much compelled to act.  They run away from you and stay away as long as you are a trigger.  Eventually, either the anxiety of your triggering wears off, or something triggers them worse that makes you look "safe" in comparison.  That's when you're painted white.

The only way you'd be permanently white is if you could somehow keep from triggering that PTSD-like feeling, which is near impossible.

The individual with BPD is just as much a prisoner of the cycle as you are, if not more.  They do not consciously do this or probably even think this is an acceptable way to behave.  Their fight or flight responses that are triggered are so strong, however, that's difficult for them to make a different, more rational choice in the situation.
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MapleBob
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« Reply #77 on: April 21, 2016, 05:01:00 PM »

my ex paints me black and then white again all the time. 

I'm not in touch with mine - but when I was, it was like that. It was almost like she had two wildly differing takes on me and that that was what drove her dysregulation and push/pull behavior. I was white from this angle, but black from another angle - ultimately she couldn't decide which one was real to her, so she just bailed.
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« Reply #78 on: April 21, 2016, 08:19:30 PM »

My BPD friend goes back and forth all the time with pretty much everyone in her life.  Some people don't get painted black; they just sort of fall to the wayside for a few months.  But people she has an emotional connection to go back and forth between white and black all the time.

Last year at this time, she refused to talk to her dad and refused to even acknowledge that her stepmother exists.  She even told her mom that she wanted to kill both of them.  Two weeks ago, she ate dinner at their house and acted like everything was wonderful.  She also went to their house for Easter and gave her stepmother a big hug. 

I was split black last June and then briefly went back to white in August, before being split black again a few weeks later.  I was white again at the end of November, but that only lasted for six days.  Then, it was back to black until December.  I've been white ever since, but that's mostly because I'm barely in contact with her.  I haven't even seen her in almost a year.

Her mom was split black back in January.  It didn't last long, and she started talking to her again a few weeks later, but her mom was blocked on Facebook for two months.  I was blocked for almost four months.

Her ex-boyfriend was split black for four months and then got a friend request from her on Facebook.   
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So when will this end it goes on and on/Over and over and over again/Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop/Till I step down from this for good - Lifehouse "Sick Cycle Carousel"
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« Reply #79 on: April 21, 2016, 09:06:47 PM »

My experience is once they feel they have reasons to "hate you, and I use the word hate because it's a word my ex used nearly daily... .is that once those reasons exist- justified or not- they will not be forgotten.

They will be reused and recycled in arguments, never left in the past. And new arguments, they compound. Fights, additional fights, the ammo that was thrown, at me at least, of course created hostile situations where I might say something I shouldnt have (out of utter frustration), or being given silent treatment, perhaps I'd say or do something I shouldnt have (out of being hurt or just so upset); those new things build and are added into the arsenal of which they use to determine whether you are good or evil.

My ex operated solely on a light on light off basis. I thought of her much like a light switch, and that switch flipped just as fast as an actual one.

She would tell me one day how much she loves me. The next, I am a monster, hated.

So I think, once you begin down that road where they turn on you, where you begin to feel like you are made out to be bad, its only going to get worse.

I honestly don't know how I could have turned it around. Even if I had never made an additional mistake... .they never let you live it down.
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« Reply #80 on: April 21, 2016, 09:18:40 PM »

My experience is once they feel they have reasons to "hate you, and I use the word hate because it's a word my ex used nearly daily... .is that once those reasons exist- justified or not- they will not be forgotten.

They will be reused and recycled in arguments, never left in the past. And new arguments, they compound. Fights, additional fights, the ammo that was thrown, at me at least, of course created hostile situations where I might say something I shouldnt have (out of utter frustration), or being given silent treatment, perhaps I'd say or do something I shouldnt have (out of being hurt or just so upset); those new things build and are added into the arsenal of which they use to determine whether you are good or evil.

My ex operated solely on a light on light off basis. I thought of her much like a light switch, and that switch flipped just as fast as an actual one.

She would tell me one day how much she loves me. The next, I am a monster, hated.

So I think, once you begin down that road where they turn on you, where you begin to feel like you are made out to be bad, its only going to get worse.

I honestly don't know how I could have turned it around. Even if I had never made an additional mistake... .they never let you live it down.

I second this
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« Reply #81 on: April 21, 2016, 09:43:58 PM »

My personal experience, I was white for months. To the point it started making me uncomfortable then bam, one day I was the enemy but it didn't stick. It would flip back and forth by the week, by the day or by the hour. I was black more often then white after the first black incident.

I still work with ex BPD and today I was white. He came to me to ask a question because he "knows I'm so smart and I know everything"  Smile smile smile. A month ago I was in HR because he painted a completely different picture.

It's just crazy... .
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« Reply #82 on: April 26, 2016, 08:07:04 AM »

In 20 years I have been split black several times, split white several times, its exhausting.  Currently, she has been served with papers so of course I am evil incarnate to her.  But, this is a BLESSING right now, because her daughters are watching her devalue me at the same time she weeps when she is around them and I am not there, even asks them "does Dad cry?"  As I am finally done with this nightmare I can tell you her splitting, her false accusations, and her devaluation are devastating her in this court and custody process, and will continue to do so.  It would be much harder for me to do what I need to do if she were trying to paint me white right now, she is making this tolerable for me in a weird way.
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« Reply #83 on: April 26, 2016, 08:26:19 AM »

Split black five times, split white four times. Last black-splitting was two years ago. I know he does split people white even after a number of years, but I think he's only done so with his family, not ex partners. He never maintained friendships with any of his exes and never had a good word to say about any of them, so I guess partners can be black for good.
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« Reply #84 on: April 26, 2016, 03:43:03 PM »

Just adding my 2 cents.

I met by accident my ex uHPD/BPD-gf after 13+ months of absolute NC.

Mind that she's a "cut-off" type and the breakup was psychologically terrible for me; we didn't have any sort of contact after we instantiated NC and I wasn't expecting to see/hear from her anymore.

Anyway, some weeks ago I met her completely by accident in a bar (we live in two different cities, and I was there for a friend's birthday - I stopped by that bar to buy a pack of chewing-gums); I was shocked (and her as well)... .she asked me to sit at the table and have a talk.

So, we talked for about 40 minutes, and overall it was a very nice and relaxed talk; I clearly noticed that she painted me white again (at least this is what I perceived from the way she talked, her body-language and the facial expressions).

Hence, in my experience, yes, they can paint you white again - and remember you fondly - even if they don't contact you anymore (due to the way they treat you towards the end of the r/s).

Obviously, it remains absolutely true the fact that if you decide to "play the game again", odds are that everything will go south again... .
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« Reply #85 on: April 26, 2016, 05:02:12 PM »

I don't think my BPD ex gf of 6 years will ever split me white again. On Thanksgiving i arrived at her mothers house with my daughter. I had been in tears over her rage on the 40 minute drive to meet her there. She was in a complete rage over the pickup time for my daughter being changed.

I had stepped onto the back porch for a few minutes to clear my head once i arrived. My ex BPD's brother stepped out and asked if i was ok?  He saw my eyes were red from crying. I told him point blank,"no, i'm not ok, i can't take the constant abuse from your sister anymore from being called a piece of sh-t, sc-mbag,c-cksucker and everything else one could imagine constantly" Her brother looked me right in the eyes and said" she's bipolar, why do you think we called her sybil growing up" he said she s screwed up every relationship she s been in and you are the most stable guy she s been with, the last one was a drunk. He said his mother was the same way and she's also bipolar and growing up was pure insanity with her.

After the breakup, she apparently confronted her brother about our conversation that day. The brother is not one to mix words and must have let her have it about what i told him had been transpiring. She so often would tell me she doesnt tell her family anything about her private life because she doesnt wanna be judged. I told her brother i've offered this woman the world and it's constant fighting and jeoulosy and emotional and verbal abuse. She told me in one of her break up tirades was that she could never be with me again because i talked sh-t about her to her family. I' m sure to make herself look good she 's concocted some story that i either cheated or i was abusive to make herself look good.

The bottom line is this was an extremely toxic relationship. She was an extremeley verbally abusive woman and does not beleive she was at all. I would tell her i had her voicemails saved of her tirades and she would tell me that i kept them to blackmail her. She will never be able to have a stable relationship because the calendar changes they don't.
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Notsurewhattothinkofthis
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« Reply #86 on: April 28, 2016, 03:36:24 PM »

To be honest, once I have made the move to totally disengage, I will be past caring if he thinks in black, white or technicolor! I will no doubt be the evil one, so I might as well keep that attitude!

This. Who Cares if I Painted Black.  I know who she is. I could care less now.
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