Found out ex has a boyfriend

[Fruit Loop]

I just found out my BPDexgf has a boyfriend.  It's been 6 weeks since we brokeup.  I thought she probably was seeing someone but finding out for sure hurts really bad.  I actually feel physical pain!  Even worse its not anyone I thought it would be.  Someone I never even heard of.  I wonder how long it's been going on... .  I actually hope she was cheating on me.  I think it will help me start the healing.

[whyme87]

Dont feel pain.This happened to me it lasted about 1 month with the new target/victim... I knew she had him lined up,she's since told me she did not fancy him but he was a nice person.

Believe me give it 6 months max and it'll be over

[Fruit Loop]

I know he will be feeling the same pain I am now.  It might take a year or two.  The idea of her sleeping with another man drives me crazy!

[whyme87]

Yeah it did me too.

But hey if she's treating her body the same as her mind works then it'll lead to disaster.

[GlennT]

who cares what she does with the body? It's what she's doing to her soul. The karma bus is refueling.

[2010]

BPD'rs typically cannot keep up the ruse on a new relationship for longer than 4 months. The clinger behavior begins and then the venom.  The new partner is then in for the ride of their life. Remember how goddawful it was for you during that time and being in the fog? Well dont think the new partner wont get a dose and suffer the same fate.  In fact, she's making the new partner pay for everything she did to you.  Its hard for her to split (good/bad) and blame the former partner for everything wrong and wonder on a day to day basis when the new partner will get suspicious and start questioning.  That's when things fall apart for her.  It's at that time that you'll likely get a phone message, email or text.  When the BPD partner asks you how you are doing- they're not really wanting to apologize or talk about the past- they're taking your temperature to see how receptive you are to resuming the relationship.

In the BPD mind, they've never really left you- you've just been placed on the back burner.  You're never as shiny and new and easily manipulated and charmed as a complete stranger, but-  If you'll allow it, they'll gladly turn up the heat again and put the defective non-adoring other guy on the back burner.  When both of you objectified humans start fighting over each other for 1st place- that's heaven to the BPD partner. HEAVEN.

You could go on this way for years... .Let me cut to the quick and tell you- you are on a trail of tears. Others have come before you and others will come after you. The sooner you take the fork in the road less traveled, the better off you'll be.

[fishguy204]

I went through the same thing and felt what you did.New guy lasted 3 months,next guy lasted 1,guy after him lasted 1,guy she's with now is getting cheated on.Count yourself lucky my friend,you're off the crazy train!

[Butterfly03]

Oh dear I so appreciate the way you feel but feel blessed that there is someone else... .my exBPDbf was on a dating website within 24hrs of us breaking up and had someone new within a week three weeks later late on a friday night he asked to come back on the phone in front of the new girl he was just using me to get at her and she fell for it there back together! Dont  question there behaviour you know in the great movie FOREST GUMP there is a statement "crazy is what crazy does" you will never understand. You are FREE enoy your freedom and when the time is right move on with someone that can love properly and positively! I know it hurts believe but put in your mind that you are so much better off!

Love and support

Butterfly

[Tippy]

Yep welcome to the world of BPD, she certainly would have been seeing someone quicker than you think she was, 6 weeks alone for a BPD is a lifetime she would have had him in her clutches way before.  Anyway mine left me and moved his newbie in the next day as he was living a double life with her for a year behind my back.  I knew nothing about her until 3/4 months later (that seems to be a regular time for BPD to turn the newbie black), then I got a huge email with the usual `I have made a mistake` `I miss you and love you and no one else`, ` I hate the woman I live with now I made the wrong decision`... .you get the drift.  That was last year, thanks to this site I have kept my boundaries high and never returned despite epic attempts to get me back.  He is still with her and living with her,and still re-engaging me.  I manage him the best I can and get on with my life as best as possible.  The searing hurt and betrayal you must feel is terrible.  Try you best to get through it, I know its human nature to want to know everything she is now doing.  Your best bet is to move away emotionally from everything to do with her, cut all ties and grieve.  You will need your strength because the re-engaging that happens is just exhausting and emotionally draining.  The quicker you get away from her and cut every communication line then the risk of being re-engaged diminishes.   x

[kly]

Butterfly--I am so loving the new kick-ass you!  Wow, congratulations for getting out of the FOG.

SDT--yeah, sorry.  That's totally BPD.  The overlapping relationships--the nons are interchangeable parts to some BPs.  I don't want to generalize, as there's a spectrum--but, odds are if she moved on that quickly--she's a serial soulmate. 

It hurts now, but as others have said, you really are lucky to be out.  If you read the other threads about money issues, being split black/white/black, losing your friends, etc... .  who needs that?

[nuclearbullet]

 :'(

My heart pours out to you... .

x

[2010]

odds are if she moved on that quickly--she's a serial soulmate. 

Well put.

[Kenneth]

BPD's are really quite amazing in their capacity to move onto other people, but unless they take steps to confront the disorder, whether through therapy or otherwise, they will simply repeat the same drama and penchant for crisis they experienced trying to love us.

Meanwhile, I was devastated when my uBPDex suddenly announced she was in love with someone else and she'd been seeing this guy while she and I were together. Now, six months later, I'm still horrified by her behavior, by her cheating and her lies, but I've (mostly) let go of any desire to be with her and the sort of life she chooses for herself: cheating? dishonesty? emotional chaos? Who would choose to remain such a jerk?

Truth is, however, I chose to stay with someone whose behavior, and whose love, was inconsistent. I ignored the warning signs, took her back after several break-ups, and relied on hope that she would come to her senses and stop acting horribly. She didn't come to her senses and didn't change her behavior (and I only fell more deeply in love and got more attached, while her capacity to push me away and to hurt me in more horrible ways grew), but now I have changed my behavior: I have stopped participating in the madness and stupidity. I have stopped engaging her.

It takes time. The hurt does not go away quickly, and maybe it never really goes away. But the more time that passes, and the more you come out of the FOG, the more you'll see that it's better you're out of her life.

Hang in there, man.

[PDQuick]

These relationships inflict a ton of sadness, and Sdt, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I remember it well.

As time goes on, and the pain starts to lift, it will be replaced, hopefully, by an understanding of what happened. There are several outlooks you will have over your past relationship. You will toggle between several of them, and it will all be quite normal.

In the end, hopefully again, you will see that the hurt you are going through is more about you than about her. You wanted to be everything to her. You almost needed to be everything to her, because something inside of you is telling you that you need to be part of someone to have a purpose and be complete. You lean, and have leaned on her, because you have never learned how to give yourself those things that you derived from her.

Her reaction is quite normal given her minds activity. She needs someone to do things for her, and accept her as she is, just like all of us do. She has a deeper demon haunting her, because she cannot help herself, or even see the need to help herself.

We all love based on our needs and our desires. To her, her needs and desires are more of a life or death scenario, than just a simple want. She will feel like if she doesn't find someone to meet her needs, she will succumb to herself. This is why she finds someone else so quickly. We, as nons, often perceive it as a true litmus test of their love for us. The fact that she found someone else so quickly means that she didn't love you, in your emotional mind. This is not true in her mind. She did love you, for your ability to give her what she needed. She loved you for being the savior that she needs, and for being the person she can lean on, that she needs to save her from herself. Somewhere in your relationship, she felt that she couldn't depend on you to save her, and looked for someone else. It could be as simple as you not believing her, or something that never even happened. It could be because of her fear of losing you that she needed to find another life preserver.

In the end, these relationships can never work out without recognition of a problem. Rest well in the fact that there was nothing you could do to save her, without her, in turn, wanting to save herself first. Mourn the loss more so of your wants to be everything for her. Try to understand why you feel you need to be everything to someone to feel complete. You have a new lease on your life, all be it a painful one. Pain is the first sign of a strengthening change, or it is the sign of a looming future. The good thing here is, you can make the choice of which outcome you are destined for. I know it hurts, and at times it is crippling. My heart goes out to you for that. I know, and remember quite vividly the pain you are going through. Time, knowledge, understanding, and acceptance are your friends. Embrace them.

What she is doing is not a reflection on you Sdt. She doesn't have another because she never loved you. She doesn't have another because you weren't enough, or you are not a lovable person. She has another because she believes that if she doesn't get another person to do what she needs, she will die. Think of a starving person returning to their hometown. This person is so hungry, that it is crucial to get nourishment immediately, or else they will die. This person eats at the first place that will feed them. Now think of you being that persons once favorite restaurant down the street. Can you be upset that this person didn't come to you first? Or can you understand that any food was more important than YOUR food. That is what she is dealing with here. It isn't pretty, and it's hard to wrap your mind around, but it is what it is, and it is the disorder that we know as BPD.

[sandyb]

Hi sdt,

I too remember the utter shock and sadness I felt when I became aware that my exgf was dating again barely 3 weeks after we split, despite citing her wish to be single as she was such a horrible person as part of the reason for our split.

In truth I found that very painful and also it delivered a crushing blow to my already battered self esteem and self worth, and and therein lies much of our difficulty we face both during and in the aftermath of these relationships. There is much to work through for ourselves to recover, heal and grow.

Be both patient and kind to yourself, I believe through this a much happier healthier future awaits.

PDQuick has delivered a truly wonderful post,I was actually quite touched and moved byit. A post that encompasses the reality of these relationships perfectly, I think accepting and understanding this single post is all that we need to grasp, and focus upon our own change and growth from there. I think it can be an inconvenient truth for us initially, indeed in took me a long time to see it as it was.


Best wishes sdt, keep posting.

[Fruit Loop]

Somewhere in your relationship, she felt that she couldn't depend on you to save her, and looked for someone else. It could be as simple as you not believing her, or something that never even happened. It could be because of her fear of losing you that she needed to find another life preserver.

Thank you PDQuick. Maybe this whole thing is my fault.  The reason she left was because I'm not divorced yet.  Its a long story, but my wife left me for another man 8 years ago and we never got divorced. They broke up and I let my wife come back to the house.  We lived in a two family house together. I had the same girlfriend for 6 years when I met the BPDgf and broke up with her for the BPDgf.  My wife has a boyfriend now.  We stayed legally married for financial reasons(cost of living, health ins., etc). We have been working on getting divorced now because I wanted to have a life with my BPDgf.  I gave my wife the house because the BPDexgf wanted me to live with her and her son on her farm.  It was tough sometimes staying motivated because I was getting kicked out of the house every 2 months and having to go stay at my moms(I'm 48).  It would only be for a few days before the BPDex let me move back in but it made me wonder if when the divorce was final would my BPDex mellow out and be the person she was in the beginning of the relationship.  Would I no longer get the cold shoulder?  Would she show me some affection?  She said she had this constant low level stress because I was still married and it drove her crazy. I once asked her if she could just give me a hug once in a while and tell me she loved me.  My T said that the lack of a divorce was just a deal breaker and that if I got divorced it would have been something else.  I can't help but wonder.  Maybe I really scewed up!

[TonyC]

not being divorced... probably saved you... .dude... .nice planning...

did you screw up depends on how you look at it... .

your g/f reactions with the ex wife thing... ohh yea... .she felt threatend, and you were gonna rekindle the marriage... .blah blah blah...

your g.f had something to trigger her... .

but... if you married g/f... youd be up to your ass in it right now... and would still be here

things happen for a reason... .there was a blessing in you not being divorced...

tony

[Fruit Loop]

but... if you married g/f... youd be up to your ass in it right now... and would still be here

things happen for a reason... .there was a blessing in you not being divorced...

tony

Some of my friends and my soon to be ex wife have said the same thing.  My T told me she is consuling a man who's BPDexgf was doing the same thing as mine.  The week his divorce was final she dumped him.  That would have put me over the edge.  I want to think it's for the best but I'll always wonder if I got divorced quicker, would she have been different.  She told my that she really wanted to get married.  I'm afraid to hear in 5 months that she's getting married to the new guy.

[TonyC]

I'm afraid to hear in 5 months that she's getting married to the new guy.

dont listen ... you wont hear.

dont look you wont see... .

good luck to her... .and more luck to him... hes gonna need it... .

he wil be the next person... holding his head sayin ... what the hell is wrong with her?

[PDQuick]

Its almost like going to the pound to adopt a puppy, and the puppy biting you several times. Then you think to yourself, "Once I sign the adoption papers, the puppy won't bite me anymore."

People do what they do, it is the truth of the matter. Thinks like an impending divorce wont change their actions.

I will say however, most normal people would not get involved with a man that had a situation like yours. You have to close the chapter on one book before you are capable of reading another one.

[trax]

I could honestly just chime in with "ditto" on this thread

My BPDxh remarried a couple months after our divorce to a gal he had known for less than 2 months.  The marriage came only a couple of weeks after he had been at my house asking to come home... .  It really REALLY hurt.

There is no way on this side of the Earth that their new relationships are happy.  I am 100% sure they are running on the same old broken track that the BPD always lays.

[turtlesoup]

I don't ever want to know. This is the main reason why NC is very easy for me. I wont re-engagement to find out or visit her stomping grounds. Im quite sure she  already has someone or i'd be re-engaged but I certainly don't want to find out for sure.

[2010]

What she is doing is not a reflection on you Sdt. She doesn't have another because she never loved you. She doesn't have another because you weren't enough, or you are not a lovable person. She has another because she believes that if she doesn't get another person to do what she needs, she will die. Think of a starving person returning to their hometown. This person is so hungry, that it is crucial to get nourishment immediately, or else they will die. This person eats at the first place that will feed them. Now think of you being that persons once favorite restaurant down the street. Can you be upset that this person didn't come to you first? Or can you understand that any food was more important than YOUR food. That is what she is dealing with here. It isn't pretty, and it's hard to wrap your mind around, but it is what it is, and it is the disorder that we know as BPD.

This was beautifully written- thank you.

If I had anything to add, it would be about the still married part.  That's like flashing a neon sign over your head that says "use me" to a BPD'r. Attachment ambivalence is a hallmark of BPD.

Married people are less of an abandonment threat to the BPD'r while providing a busload of adoration for their damaged souls.  In her mind you are taken and not a threat to her already fragile abandonment issues but you have a neediness for her that she can use to her advantage. This gives her great satisfaction, even greater than the satisfaction of having a relationship with an *available,* unmarried partner. To be with a partner who's actually available; the abandonment risk that's triggered is way too frightening. She will choose 'safe' relationships that have no chance of moving beyond the casual. That way she gets to be Femme fatale who swoops in and rescues married men from tired, worn out commitments.

I know it hurts, but you're still being married is a reason for the relationship. BPD'rs have no boundaries. This might be a good time to establish your own. You need to see her perception of you as needy or less powerful than herself as she holds the marriage over you. The minute you get divorced and are available, you have power that is frightening to the BPD'r. You are actually available and you could leave her.  You're damned if you do get divorced and damned if you don't. Either way, you have some ties to cut and boundaries to establish before you can move along with anything.

[anker]

Because I am interested in a real and meanningful relationship I would not date someone who was married. The post above nails it... .for her disorder your unavailability is actually a plus. In your situation this is the kind of person you will attract.

I know polyamorous couples... .but that's not your situation. So yeah people who fear intimacy will find you.

[woddah]

I just want to add a little bit to this conversation. I was the guy my BPDexgf was with while still married to her husband (i know, i know, it was *very* complicated) and I was able to see the writing on the wall and broke it off pretty much before the honeymoon period ended for me. I just want to say that the relationship with the guy she leaves for won't be any different than the one that just ended for you, i know, as she was just as BPD for me as her husband, she was just in a different stage with him, and things were headed there for me as well. I saw the same craziness and s as everyone else. I now see that she treated her husband as bad or worse than many of the stories I see posted here and see all the red flags that i missed back then (even my therapist said "well she has many red flags" and I completely ignored it).

And I agree with the timeline a lot of people seem to post, as our relationship ended after about 6 months and she recommitted to her husband for a couple months after we ended (all while ing and declaring her eternal love for me) and then I think she went on to formally separate from her husband to have a relationship with another guy where she got engaged, and that lasted for about 4-5 months and I believe she is back with her husband again now. Not to mention she has been married, ohh a half a dozen times already     As long as shes distracted from me, I'm fine

[woddah]

What she is doing is not a reflection on you Sdt. She doesn't have another because she never loved you. She doesn't have another because you weren't enough, or you are not a lovable person. She has another because she believes that if she doesn't get another person to do what she needs, she will die. Think of a starving person returning to their hometown. This person is so hungry, that it is crucial to get nourishment immediately, or else they will die. This person eats at the first place that will feed them. Now think of you being that persons once favorite restaurant down the street. Can you be upset that this person didn't come to you first? Or can you understand that any food was more important than YOUR food. That is what she is dealing with here. It isn't pretty, and it's hard to wrap your mind around, but it is what it is, and it is the disorder that we know as BPD.

This was beautifully written- thank you.

If I had anything to add, it would be about the still married part.  That's like flashing a neon sign over your head that says "use me" to a BPD'r. Attachment ambivalence is a hallmark of BPD.

Married people are less of an abandonment threat to the BPD'r while providing a busload of adoration for their damaged souls.  In her mind you are taken and not a threat to her already fragile abandonment issues but you have a neediness for her that she can use to her advantage. This gives her great satisfaction, even greater than the satisfaction of having a relationship with an *available,* unmarried partner. To be with a partner who's actually available; the abandonment risk that's triggered is way too frightening. She will choose 'safe' relationships that have no chance of moving beyond the casual. That way she gets to be Femme fatale who swoops in and rescues married men from tired, worn out commitments.

I know it hurts, but you're still being married is a reason for the relationship. BPD'rs have no boundaries. This might be a good time to establish your own. You need to see her perception of you as needy or less powerful than herself as she holds the marriage over you. The minute you get divorced and are available, you have power that is frightening to the BPD'r. You are actually available and you could leave her.  You're damned if you do get divorced and damned if you don't. Either way, you have some ties to cut and boundaries to establish before you can move along with anything.

Ohh and a followup to my last post in relation to this post... I was also married to someone else during our relationship (like I said earlier, *very* complicated) and it was when my divorce was progressing along that things got crazier and crazier, so I agree 100% with the above about being available.

[muddychicken]

my soon to be ex wif of 15 years told me last monday that she had sex w/a 24 yo, that she went out with our married neighbor for dinner-he's a friend who is having marital difficulties-plus i saw them out so she's not lying and she plans on dating a firefighter divorced father of 3... .she and her divorced friends found a vein of single firefighters... .anyway... .it doesnn't bother me... .well maybe a little but it helps out my personal life... .hard when they move on especially with the "I'lll never love anyone else" "I'll never be with another man" bullcrap that is said as you're ending the relationship. We've been split for 2.5 months... .not sure when this all started but at least the wondering is over however she portrays herself as a single mother who is a full time waif... .the circle of friends is not the circle of friends that we used to hang with... .all intact families... almost a double life if you will... .

[Fruit Loop]

Have any of you ever thought that you just weren't going to make it?  The pain seems get worse as the days go by.  The past 7 weeks since my BPDex left have been the worse in my life. I have terrible insomnia, I'm in the middle of a divorce, my brother is going through a bone marrow transplant for cancer, I just brought my mother home from the nursing home 2 days ago.  Now I find out my BPDex has a boyfriend.  I almost feel like my BPDex, who is a nurse, figured now was a good time to leave because I have to much going on in my life.  This has been the only time I have really needed her and she's gone because I'm not divorced.  Having fun with another guy... .  I can't even talk to her on the phone.  I gotta give her credit, she told me one time she couldn't "be there for me" at this stage of life she needs someone to be there for her.  She wasn't lying!

[kly]

sdt--sorry for all you are going through.   x

As for the BPex--well, she was being truthful!  BPs definitely are needy--as for giving, I don't know about that.  The one thing I learned from my BPexMIL is that for every crumb she gives, she takes a loaf.

Other BPs may be genuinely capable of empathy, compassion and altruism... .  I just haven't seen it.  In my experience, it seems that if they give, it is with the expectation of a reward.

[Tippy]

sdt

Yes there were times when I thought I wasnt going to make it.  I remember the time well.  It was when we had been apart for 4 months and I then found out he had moved his girlfriend in the day after he left me and had been leading a double life with her for over a year, even going on holiday with her behind my back.  I was getting over him after 4 months and this was such shocking news I plummetted for months thinking I would never make it through the pain.  When the pain got so bad and was in such a bad way I got help through meds and therapy, they saved my ass I can tell you.  You will get better, time does heal but you may need a helping hand along the way.  This relationship has changed me to a different person.  A better person but different.  My ex took something away from me deep down that I cannot put my finger on but I am ok now and living a calm, happy and positive life.  Heres to your journey out of oz  x