do they ALWAYS LEAVE SOMETHING BEHIND

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's their way to deal with abandonment shame- by remora-ing on to another human being to carry them along.

I was thinking more along the lines of a lamprey, a leech, or a vampire ... .maybe a lampire?  

[LifesaDance]

It's their way to deal with abandonment shame- by remora-ing on to another human being to carry them along.

I was thinking more along the lines of a lamprey, a leech, or a vampire ... .maybe a lampire?  

[LifesaDance]

You think maybe he will DROP something on his way out and need to return next week?

Me thinks he will show up at your place closer to the time you return home to be sure to 'accidentally run into you'

[Colombian Chick]

Me thinks he will show up at your place closer to the time you return home to be sure to 'accidentally run into you'

I completely agree!

Mine pulled that one on me on Feb 7th when he came to pick up his things. He sent me a text at 10:15AM to please leave because he was going to be at my house at 10:30AM, I thought  ?. I sent him a text back that it wasn't enough time and that it would have been nice if he would have told me this the night before so that I could have gotten the kids and I ready sooner. We would have been out of the house at 9:00AM! But anywho there is only so much you can do. Now my xBPDbf left a lot of his stuff behind, but this time I sent him a text telling him the next time he comes to pick up the rest of his belongings he needs to notify me in ADVANCE.

[confused01]

Mine comes for her stuff and takes half of it, and leaves other things.

I can't go total nc for another six weeks because of a business. After that I will then load everything into a truck and take it to her - my final goodbye. She wanted to stay friends I now know it cannot work, she doesn't know how to be a friend. Friends don't use and abuse other friends. Six months ago we were going to get married, now I am an on call friend.  I so look forward to total nc, because this isn't working. I'm not making any headway with healing.

[Metta]

Interesting choice of words. Definitely conjures up scary and even evil.

Yes. Thanks for the nice reply/acknowledgement.



As an aside to anyone who cares to comment: could it be related to the supposed BPD lack of object constancy? They cannot feel connected to you when you're out of sight and so leaving some trinket with you is their remedy.

Just some armchair psychologizing on my part here... .

[anker]

When I told my best friend how depressed I was about him leaving she said "there's plenty of leeches in the puddle and if you stick your leg out another will latch on soon enough"

It made me laugh!

[PrettyPatty]

And there goes Anker again... .   

What are you, a Stand-Up Comedian or something?   

[anker]

I sit down mostly

[sarah1234]

Sarah, would you chalk this up to his sense of entitlement or stealing - either way he's GONE  3

I dont know if I can put this on the boards, but its my vibrator. I wouldn't want it back!

[lostinkansas]

My BPD exgf left behind many things including presents from me from birthdays and xmas' past, "journal type" writings in various places which I discovered over months and other sexual type things which I never saw in the relationship. I believe it was all done on purpose by her. Some of it was out of cruelty and some has been used for re-engagement attempts.

On the other side... .she also took some of my items which really baffles me. About 80% of my socks went with her? I believe this may be from lack of object constancy. She actually took to wearing my socks a few months before she dumped me. Very odd, then she just took most with her when she left. After changing the lock, I had to go buy some socks!

[cali girl]

locks and socks are better than the alternative 

my ex emailed me a "list" of things he "still needs to come pick up" - when I move from somewhere, I normally take EVERYTHING so I don't have to drive 2 hours to pick up stupid stuff.  I'm sure he will bring things to plant on the property, its an acre I'm sure he'll have to pick up something he left in the shed next week    I think he's doing it so he can snoop around while I'm at work. 

KNOCK YOURSELF OUT!

[goldenblunder]

So what do I do with her cat?  In truth, I like the cat and would miss it, but it's hers and I don't care to keep a meowing reminder of her.

[lostinkansas]

AAAHHH!

Mine tried to leave her cat too. It has got to go with her. This is a re-engagement attempt. It was really hard for because I liked the cat, but I made her take it. Otherwise, I knew she would be back weekly to torture me. My ex BPD gf claimed she wanted to leave it because the cat loved me and hated her! (she owned the cat way before she met me since it was a kitten)

[NHBeachBum]

I think it really comes down to their selfishness & constant need for control. If they leave something then they have an "excuse" to contact us non's again when they need something (they're horny, lonely, bored, or just want to stir up the pot again).

In my situation my exBPDgf tried to leave a tv at my place. I told her to take her tv but she argued with me about it. She said she didn't want it & that I should donate it to charity. I packed up all her things & all the stuff she gave me as gifts & the tv & drove over to one of her friends & asked her if she could take care of them until my exBPDgf could pick them up. Problem solved. My exBPDgf was PISSED! If I would have donated it to charity, months later my exBPDgf would have called me up asking for it back for her new "soul mate". Then she most likely would have screamed at me for being selfish for donating it. If I still had it, she could call me up to hook up... .then she could tell me all about her latest "soul mates". How fun for me... .not really so much. I'm glad I closed the doors. Seeing her try to re-engagement me at my gym just solidifies that we're not compatible.

I think your best move would be to pack up the fishing rod & any other of his stuff & mail it to him... .then de-friend him on facebook.

-NHBB

[cali girl]

Hey BeachBum, long time no see!  Hope things are staying well with you... .

He already befriended me on Facebook before he moved out, then he comes at me with the classic email asking why we can't remain friends  ?, why I'm so cold, etc, etc, etc.  a friend that requires that much work... .one minute they are your friend, the next... .well you know   

The fishing pole is in the carport, he has one last chance to come get his stuff - I won't be here.  I do know that it has to do with control, he retains a certain amount of it as long as he has something here.  I think it also gives him a feeling that he still "belongs" here?  Again, WHATEVER! 

Although, this could just be us non's overthinking everything 

[NHBeachBum]

Hey BeachBum, long time no see!  Hope things are staying well with you... .

He already befriended me on Facebook before he moved out, then he comes at me with the classic email asking why we can't remain friends  ?, why I'm so cold, etc, etc, etc.  a friend that requires that much work... .one minute they are your friend, the next... .well you know   

The fishing pole is in the carport, he has one last chance to come get his stuff - I won't be here.  I do know that it has to do with control, he retains a certain amount of it as long as he has something here.  I think it also gives him a feeling that he still "belongs" here?  Again, WHATEVER! 

Although, this could just be us non's overthinking everything 

Hey Cali,

It has been a while. Is this the same guy from a few years ago? I'm hoping you didn't go a find a new BPD? . Things are very well for me these days... .just visited the nook to get some feedback on how to keep things well. Send me a pm or find me on FB & I'll fill you in on the last couple years.

My advice for you would be to unfriend him & send him a very brief to-the-point note stating why. Something like "we tried to remain friends in the past but it seems that we cannot seem to be respectful & courteous to each other so I'd rather not be connected to you on FB. Please do not send me a friend request in the future. Take Care." I'd keep it generic & word it so that it's "us" & not "him" so he won't take it too personally & go off on you.

Regarding his belongings - you now know it's all about control. For you to take control back, you simply send him an e-mail and give him a date & time to pick up all his things. Let him know that they will be left out in a box in the driveway (if you have a driveway). If they are not picked up or he cannot be there at the time you specify, let him know that you will ship them to his new place. Send it out & close that door for good. If you call then he can debate you or argue or try to control the day & the time.

Us non's do tend to over think things, dwell in the past, think about what could we have done differently, what should we have done, maybe it really was us (after hearing over & over rages about how we "trigger" our BPD). Once the dust settles & peace & clarity set in, the fog lifts & reality becomes apparent again. Keep it simple. Give your exBPD no reason or opportunity to contact you if you wish to go no contact. 

-NHBB