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Author Topic: Idealising Phase  (Read 1343 times)
Butterfly03
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« on: March 06, 2010, 07:51:13 AM »

I am just wandering how long the idealising phase usual goes for me exBPDbf was asking me back from just four weeks into his new relationship he asked me three times in total until I went NC after he freaked me out with the stalking and suicide message on my phone... .
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temp101
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« Reply #1 on: March 06, 2010, 09:45:17 AM »

Reads like his cycle of idealizing is shorter than most? He's already contacting you after four weeks.

In cases where someone you know is threatening suicide, you might consider telling him it's your responsibility to call 911 to send an ambulance to his place the next time he threatens. This might stop the threats. Or one ambulance bill might stop the threats. If he's truly suicidal, try to convince him to program a hotline number into his phone. Otherwise, boundaries up and keep yourself safe.
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louise12

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« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2010, 09:53:58 AM »

Can I ask what you mean by the idealising phase?
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Butterfly03
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« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2010, 11:35:45 PM »

Idealising phase is in regards to the beginning of a relationship with a BPD. They "Idealise" their new victim have them up on a pedastal until that victim does something to tarnish the shine!

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atwittsend
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« Reply #4 on: March 06, 2010, 11:46:49 PM »

mine was 4 weeks also.  she lasted longer with new guy cause he didnt become enmeshed so quickly. 
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2010
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« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2010, 12:29:17 AM »

Idealization is a mirroring phase, a.k.a the "Pink Cloud." When two people look into each other's eyes and feel like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. (sorry, but they're good looking people)

Life is a Hollywood movie set, all glossy and shiny, and then... .the character disordered partner slips up... .and Angie furrows her brow and says, why'd ya do that? It's at that point that the fog machine fails and the glitter ball stops spinning and the perfume clears the air only to reveal the smells of a dirty diaper. At that point, the character disordered partner starts tap dancing as a distraction while looking for someone to blame at any cost.

When things really fall apart, he'll either Devalue & Discard the new fresh face, or come back looking for someone who already has his number (second banana) so he can be yelled at and told what a louse he is--and summarily escape her, writing her off as someone who's to blame for all that's gone wrong with his life to the new “act.”  (Triangulation (read definition) works for most character disorders)

That done, he then gets to feel superior and all better all over again--on someone elses back, and at someone elses cost. Either way, it's win/win for his character disorder.

And that's the thing that you'll really see once you stop listening to the charming dialogue--that it's ALL ABOUT HIS DISORDER and how he maintains it.

He will fail miserably if his players refuse to play.  It hurts him because it consumes his energy trying to find someone else to blame for the wreck that he is. It hurts him because in those minutes now or sometime in the future where he can't escape being alone with himself, he'll know how terribly apart he is from those who can love.

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Butterfly03
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« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2010, 12:57:39 AM »

WOW 2010 thats a good post... .so the triangulation (read definition) thing is normal across the board with pd's? My exBPDbf expected me to be the third wheel but I wanted no part of it... .he really didnt expect me to go NC, he truely believed I would be there forever... .I was over being strung along emotionally by him - it was no good for my health!
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temp101
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« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2010, 01:17:03 AM »

WOW 2010 thats a good post... .so the triangulation (read definition) thing is normal across the board with pd's? My exBPDbf expected me to be the third wheel but I wanted no part of it... .he really didnt expect me to go NC, he truely believed I would be there forever... .I was over being strung along emotionally by him - it was no good for my health!

My STBX would manipulate women into triangles. He worked hard to find women who would play his game. That is, they would get jealous of each other and start attacking each other instead of him.

He ran into a problem with me because I could see his manipulations clear as a day and called him on it. He actually arranged an interview for me to work "Under" his ex-wife -- behind my back, without asking or telling me. I blew up -- at him.

His joy/self ego-stroking came when women fought each other. When they came back at him? He acted confused, twisted around like a bug on a pin.

Call him on it! Tell him you won't be appart of his self ego-stroking little games anymore. You really do sound sick of it, and you have every right to be.

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infamous
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« Reply #8 on: March 07, 2010, 01:20:30 AM »

can u make this stage last longer ?

and why does it finish ?
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Butterfly03
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« Reply #9 on: March 07, 2010, 01:36:40 AM »

Hey Infamous I really hope you are ok! The idealising phase ceases when you dont live up to their standards of being on that pedestal anymore... .you dissapointment them in some way shape or form.

Secondlife; I am long gone from my exBPDbf been Nc for a bout a week I have filed an AVO at the police station and the police even rang him to tell him to leave me alone. Over the four years while I was with my ex I found out about seven girls in total one of which was his ex prior to me - i was trying to be just his friend after I broke it up at New Year - still trying to be the rescuer but within a week he had a new girlfriend and was still sending me text messages that he should of bn sending to his new girl not me, he even asked to sleep with me. Once I was in the "Friends" role I clicked to who he really was and all my aswers of did he really cheat on me when I was his girl were answered... .it was a sickenng feeling - i warned the new girl by letter but she chose to stay with him and I have been painted black by my exBPDbf... .he will NEVER be in my life again! He will never change.

I was asking the question bout idealising phase as I found it so odd to ask to come back after just four weeks!
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infamous
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« Reply #10 on: March 07, 2010, 01:53:23 AM »

butterfly i feel ur pain

im still in denial

she probly cheated on me but i blame the BPD not her

im the only guy she has been with that would go to this length to find answers

if i was given a second chance i would try harder to make things work now that i know
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temp101
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« Reply #11 on: March 07, 2010, 02:05:51 AM »

can u make this stage last longer ?

and why does it finish ?

If you find their golden ticket, it will last longer. That thing they want -- and it's not sex, trust me. With my STBX, it's $$$$. Cold hard cash. The more I bring in, the more he loves me. When the $$$ stops, he starts ripping into me. If your BPD doesn't have a golden ticket, I don't think there's any hope of getting back.

Except break-ups and make-ups. If you like being involved in their love triangles, quadrangles... .
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Butterfly03
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« Reply #12 on: March 07, 2010, 02:17:42 AM »

Infamous its good to see and say that you are in denial i dont think you can really blame the BPD for their actions they know what they are doing but yeh i understand where you are coming from i will openly admit that i still after everything worry about my ex even after all the hurt and pain he caused me i am in the same shoes aswell as you i did so much research, reading and probing of my psychologist to help my ex - but i fell really sick with depression and i think he felt i was going to totally abandoned him so he seeked out someone before i did and ouch did it hurt... .I couldnt take him back when he asked cause he hurt me so much if that makes sense and I couldnt trust him anymore with the lies... .he knows that i know he has a personality disorder i sent him a goodbye letter telling him to ask tina his counsellor to get info on it or help and gave back his love pendant i had round my neck the whole four years it was one of the hardest thing i have had to do in my whole life but deep down inside i knew i and you for that sake deserve better... .i said in his letter one day again we will be friends (we were inseparately-best friends-soul mates I thought) but for now i need to find myself again and that is exactly what i am doing and i think you should work on you too darl i so wanted to be the one that ended his cycle too just like you but there's so much hurt, abuse and pain one person can endure.  
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