trying to disengage

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Disengage, What and intersting word... .I wrote a brief overview of my story on the new thread. What brought me here is trying to make sense out of a girl that two weeks after we break up and yes we were engaged to be married in July. I did not want to get married that soon but wanted like a two year engagment because I knew we had thins to work on. That was one of the many problems. I hoped and wanted her so badly to work on our issues. I have been in several and belive if you communicate and work on things it can get better. She refused to work on anything about her and it was always just me, I was mean, I was not loving enough. I loved this girl and told her so and showed her as well. Most normal women would have loved to have been with me, not braggin just I know I was patient, kind, senstive, understanding. It was just not enough and she would say to me, that she has tried and tried and has poured her heart and soul into our relationship... What are you kidding me. Sorry I digress. Anyway, I did not want to marrry so soon and she did and I started doing things I knew she did not like hoping we would break up. So, we did and two weeks after we broke up she gets married to some punk that don't even have a job  and does nothing but get drunk. I work with her and now Iam wondering how Iam going to keep disengaged from her. Though right now I don't have a choice because she is not talking to me at all no calls no text nothing and I have not called or texted her and don't plan on it. I guess what I have to do is work on me and get some strength. This chick to it out of me now I feel really weak and though I did want it to end I still miss her and care about her and have feeling for her. Knowing she is sick and she never really loved me but that all I did was fill a void for her makes so much sense. Everything i have read today on BPD is her to the hilt... .but that does not mean I don't have feelings. I do and that sucks cause I don't want to care about her... .

[strangetrip]

Disengage, What and intersting word... .I wrote a brief overview of my story on the new thread. What brought me here is trying to make sense out of a girl that two weeks after we break up and yes we were engaged to be married in July. I did not want to get married that soon but wanted like a two year engagment because I knew we had thins to work on. That was one of the many problems. I hoped and wanted her so badly to work on our issues. I have been in several and belive if you communicate and work on things it can get better. She refused to work on anything about her and it was always just me, I was mean, I was not loving enough. I loved this girl and told her so and showed her as well. Most normal women would have loved to have been with me, not braggin just I know I was patient, kind, senstive, understanding. It was just not enough and she would say to me, that she has tried and tried and has poured her heart and soul into our relationship... What are you kidding me. Sorry I digress. Anyway, I did not want to marrry so soon and she did and I started doing things I knew she did not like hoping we would break up. So, we did and two weeks after we broke up she gets married to some punk that don't even have a job  and does nothing but get drunk. I work with her and now Iam wondering how Iam going to keep disengaged from her. Though right now I don't have a choice because she is not talking to me at all no calls no text nothing and I have not called or texted her and don't plan on it. I guess what I have to do is work on me and get some strength. This chick to it out of me now I feel really weak and though I did want it to end I still miss her and care about her and have feeling for her. Knowing she is sick and she never really loved me but that all I did was fill a void for her makes so much sense. Everything i have read today on BPD is her to the hilt... .but that does not mean I don't have feelings. I do and that sucks cause I don't want to care about her... .

[2010]

I started doing things I knew she did not like hoping we would break up

Sounds like you got exactly what you wanted.

It might be a good time to figure out why you were vague and did things you knew she wouldn't like, rather then just being upfront with her and telling her you didn't want to get married or even have a relationship.

When trust is lost, it's lost for good. Rarely does it ever come back the same.

[strangetrip]

Yea, Iam going to take a look at myself about that and few other things. Iam not sure how to explain it but I had broke up with her once this summer and it was tough because we work together and have the same superviors and they are friends with her but know she is unstable. So, I did not want to be mean to her or hurt her. In a way in my mind, I needed it to be her idea. When I did break up with her it was hell to pay, cause at the office she was not nice. All i heard from her was that she trusted me with her heart and soul and I hurt her and she will never forgive me. So, I fixed things enough to get her back only to continue the cycle ... .that is part of it but alot of it is i was highly attracted to her... and still am but that has to take a back seat to everything right now. iam sure there is more to it than that... I know Iam not innocent here and have my own issues but she is much younger than me and she made me feel good when we were togehter to add another reason... .I don't know... .

[atwittsend]

hey brother I did and felt all of those things as well... .but we didnt have the whole work dynamic.  that certainly would have influenced things... .

[Tippy]

He there

Welcome to this site, I have just read your story on the newbie board and wanted to give you a  x.  You will read a lot of similar stories to you on this board, you arent alone with how you think and feel right now.  Many people have already given you some great advise.  I was with mine for 2 half years, one day in October year half ago he wanted to take me out to dinner to discuss a future together as he was ready to move in, settle down etc etc, he loved me and thought I was the best thing since sliced bread.  I went on a business trip and 5 days later returned to a text message saying I was dumped.  He moved a new girl in the NEXT DAY!  I understand exactly how you are feeling right now... .it makes no sense at all.  It never will.  I have huge boundaries when it comes to people living together as it is akin to marriage.  I wont touch any man who is in a full relationship.  Yours is married now, albeit in her crazy-type world.  Leave well alone, she has made her vows with him.  So what to do now.  You need to arm yourself with as much knowledge as possible regarding re-engages.  Mine started in earnest 3 to 4 months after he moved his newbie in.  They havent stopped at all and have got worse around holiday times.  Without the knowledge on this site I would have returned.  I took time out to figure out what I was doing in this crazy relationship, quite frankly I was a basket case for a while and went to therapy and took meds to stop the anxiety attacks.  Fast forward to today and I have grown as a person, I have a different outlook on life and am very happy.  It took work and time to understand this disorder but thats how I got over the relationship.  Keep reading and posting we are all here for you.  xxx

[strangetrip]

Tippy, Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post. I am not the best at typing what is on my mind, my mind goes really fast and I can't type fast enough so it gets little scrambled. So, I am thankful you took time to read that.

looks like are cases are similar in that we were both out of town... .I had known for a long time this realationship was doomed but could not tell her. I think schwing helped me see that she must have been feeling that and decided to end it before I could. i was trying to find the courage to do so but just could not do it. For a long time in this relationship I was kind, caring, patient, slow to overeact in hopes it would be better but it never was. The last month I was very short tempered with her and instead of turning the other cheek I was not forgiving with her and would call her on her BS and say you are not right and you have some serious issues. Now looking back I think she knew I had her number and she was going to have to get some help and look at her self is she wanted for this to work... .and she was not going to do that. Usually she always broke up with me in the heat of a agrument and she did this when I was gone. I think she knew i would talk her out of it (maybe) or something I don't know Iam not sure about that... .But, I thought it was cowardly for her to do it while I was not here and she may have did that just to piss me off. It worked and  I think she is still trying to piss me off but it is not working. Well least not that she knows of. Oh trust me, iam not talking to her at all since she is married. My ex wife who is the daughter of my child gave me some good advice that helped me understand her. First my ex not the BPD but mother of my child is remarried and we had some problems but we worked them out and are friends. She told me that my BPD was in hurry to be in love and be married and was unwilling to wait on the right love. Of course she does not know about BPD but that was helpful and I think she is partially rigt. But I have no intentions of messing with her since she is married. To leave her along will not be easy because we work together and I will see her car everyday I go to work and will more than likely have to see her daily. Iam sure she will try her best to make me see her " Just Married" that is still on her care a week after being married! Why would a woman do that, why would you get married on a Friday night then keep that on your car for a week? I promise you it will still be on her car when I see her in the morning... .Well I do understand some of it now.  I think she is not only trying to show me she has moved on and going to be happy without me but is also trying to hurt me... .that is the part that I have to work on. Because as much as  my male ego wants to say it does not hurt and she does  not mean anything to me it does hurt and it does mean alot to me and I have to learn to not let it effect me... .so, what should I do or read first... .what do I need to do first... .to begin this process I have read alot and I don't know what to implement first? setting boundries, learning to let go what?

thanks

btw where is spell check on this?

[Tippy]

Dont worry about the spellcheck we all know what you mean  .  I sat for hours reading about the disorder as it made me feel a little better with the knowledge that it wasnt me who was crazy and it wasnt me who was flawed in any way.  One of the difficult things in handling a BPD was the backlash and hurt you get if you are painted black and thats what you are right now.  The newbie is a white prince and you are black devil.  Its just a cycle they go through.  I did not know anything about BPD until he left me and I started googling certain words, I thought mine was Adult Attention Deficit Disorder but when I went on a chat forum like this I was quickly told that the symptoms I was dealing with was BPD and I ended up here. She is making sure you know whats happening because in her crazy mind you abandoned her and in her warped way of thinking she is saying to you that she is wanted, loved and cared for because she thinks she wasnt with you.  You know the truth and thats all that matters.  Now lets just set your poor bruised ego aside, and it hurts I know.  Read other peoples stories as they all connect in one way or another, I do not work with mine but many on here do, read about re-engages and nc (no contact).  It appears to be common with BPD that 3 months is a cycling time, not all but many start to have their mask dropping at that time and the new relationship falters and they start to re engage past loves.  Be very aware of this especially as she is close in work to you.  Read anything and everything about this disorder, try and move on within yourself, do good things for yourself and get healed.  I truly hope she leaves you alone and you can get on with your life, the good thing is you already knew it was a disaster so you are half way there.  Good luck with your journey, we are here for you when things get tough... .xxxx

[Tippy]

Forgot to say that the biggest boundary you must implement is no contact, if you have to speak at work it is purely professional, no answering any emails when she asks how you are, no returning texts when she wants to get stuff back from you, nothing.  You have stuff of hers, pack it up and mail it back asap or just leave it boxed at a friends house, get rid of everything in your place she could possibly contact you for.  Any opening can fuel a re-engagement. 

[strangetrip]

tippie, don't take this the wrong way. When I was little kid my uncle had a collie named Tippie and he was my favorite dog for years... .just saying... .

Your advice and input is so much appreicated. I have been trying to make some sense out of her and her behaviors for couple years. I always knew something was wrong. Then as we got in the relationship I was just bumpuzzled and I have just been at wits end with this break-up. As i have mentioned before I don't have a problem understanding we need to end this and I wanted to end it for six months and glad she left. But, in a normal realtionship people still need time even if you wanted it to end time to heal Well I should say in my opinion healthy people would take some time. So, her jumping into marriage two weeks after only blew my mind. What you mention here is spot on well I think it is

you said She is making sure you know whats happening because in her crazy mind you abandoned her and in her warped way of thinking she is saying to you that she is wanted, loved and cared for because she thinks she wasnt with you.  You know the truth and thats all that matters  I would bet all my money you are right on this. Because I can remember several arugments where I told her, no healthy man is going to marry you without you working on some of your anger issues and helping in the relationship... .Oh she gave me the go to hell look and said, DONT bet on it... .haha  I so know you are right on this... .She also would tell me that I don't love her and I don't care about her and I don't help her... .That is BS I worked my butt off in this relationship and I was patient like I had never been before, caring, gave her time to speak, I valued her opinion, things a healthy women would kill for... .That is one of the things that just pisses me off, I know I worked hard on this and I opened my heart up to her like never before. and she just laughed at it and said that all you got. I would say, you know, what Iam doing most women would appreciate me going shopping with you, being loveable in public all the normal stuff that is good for a couple... .She just spit on it and would say I do nothing. One of our last fights she told me she gave and gave and poured her heart and soul in this relationship and it was never enough for me... .WTH are you kidding me. This is what has me bugged and so twisted, the lies the twisting of facts and events... .gawd she pisses me off just typing this. but you are right on that... .thanks

[Tippy]

Awww your doggie Tippie how cute.  Anyway hope the new day brings new hope for you to get on with your life and I am thinking of you as you may well be going to work with the devil incarnate!  What you are doing right now is playing over and over again the craziness of her thoughts, words and actions.  Good, this is part of the processing the brain and emotions needs to go through to try and make sense.  The only sense I could make of it was `they are a whole bunch of fruitloops`.  I actually asked my exuBPDbf, `how the hell could you jump from one day asking me to settle down with you to dumping me and moving her in the next?`  His answer was `money`.  His house was about to be reposessed and she had money.  He used her as all BPDs do.  There next victim HAS to fill a void that she thinks you cant.  Yours probably was the fear that you were on to her and she knew you werent a goer (parden the expression).  That poor unsuspecting bloke she is with now will not know what has hit him soon.  She grabbed him, he liked her, wham the deal was done.  That huge never ending pit has been almost filled for her now.  Her fear of abandonment has been pushed away for now.  You can now watch from a distance and see for yourself the relationship go down the drain like yours did.  It will be all her own doing.  No one, I repeat, no one can make BPDs happy.  It wasnt what you did or didnt do, their reality is different to us nons so their lives will live in a different orbit than ours.  ITS NOT YOU ITS THEM!  Its tough at first especially when they move on with lightening speed, its all smoke a mirrors.  You need to keep going on the recovery process, keep posting and we will be here.

[OnceConfused]

The topic of this thread should be "how not to stay attached". She is already totally DISENGAGED from you and now is married to some sucker. You are already disengaged with her, but your mind still is attached, looking for some closure. That is the issue.

"change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change" - Wayne Dyer.

Instead of asking "I was so nice to her but why she treated me the way she did?", you might want to ask

1."what are the lessons to be learned from this relationship?" ,

2. 'What does it say about me, about who I am, about my characters, about my core principles?",

3. "If I had to do it over again, what would I do differently (leave early, be the one who pulls the trigger, or set more boundaries?"

You now know that perhaps she is MENTALLY UNSTABLE, and that alone is enough of a closure. You cannot seek stability and authentic love from a mentally ill person. You need to focus on yourself for your recovery. It is like a debriefing session that fighter pilots go through after each and every sorties. Why?. So that the pilots won't make the same mistakes twice for the next time it could be his life, his mission and the life of others soldiers who depend on him for air support.

There are several ways of becoming non-attached or having closure. First ask, go inward and ask yourself those questions like the ones above (focus on you , not on her). SEcond, write a long letter describing all the neg stuffs that she did to you, don't send it. Take a copy to a lake or somewhere you went w her, burn the letter and see it slowly disintegrate into the air. Every so often, when your mind misses her, go back and read the letter so as to affirm yourself why you need NOT be with her. THird, next time you see her , walk with your chest high but don't look at her (fight that curiosity), smile and say silently"thank you so much for letting me free , free from your venom, free from the headeache".

Treat her venom with self love and compassion and the venom will dissipate. Turn the ash of this relationship into the fertilizer for the next one. There are many women, good ones, out there waiting to be discovered by you.

[strangetrip]

confused,

Thanks, Iam doing just that, wrote the letter and now it is about five pages... .and your advice seems sound. will do...

[strangetrip]

tippy,

thanks for the thoughts... Yep, I was there at office same time she devil was there... .but i never saw her, luckly she is in another building and it is not possible for her to see me less she comes looking for me or happens to needs something from my building. She will be thinking of way to get there soon Iam sure. I did talk to my boss and gave them my point of view so that is covered. Well, I did see her from a distance this morining just walking in office and I got to tell you that though Iam very confident in what I have learned here, I got extremly nervous. Adrenline was high and I could barly contain my self. iam not sure what it was, I have always been extremly attracted to her but not sure that is what it was. I did not stand around to figure it out but bailed and said a little sernity prayer. Help me accept the things I can not change courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. I know I can't chang her and know I can't be with her so I have to accept that... .it is still tough though... .

I don't expect closure from her, and knowing what I know now is closure enough for me hopefully it will continue to be. What she did made no sense to me and this board has helped understand her. I do feel sorry for her and feel sorry for future victims... .but Iam powerless over that. I did start to wonder if her fear of abondment was gone now since she is married. I guess for a week now she has been married. I know she is trying to hurt me with this well I think she is and trying to say hey look what you missed out on. She is probably saying to herself  I told you other men wanted me and I could get one... .well my response to that is better him than me... sucker... .I will be face to face with her soon and I must be prepared to be strong enough to deal with that... .i will run if I need to... .

[strangetrip]

I meant to add that I do have fears of smear campaigns by her around the work place. But, hopefully everyone knows she is a nut ... .I think watching her be so in love with me for a year and half then up and marry another dude that is a looser should be a good indicator for them... but still a fear