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Author Topic: How many would take their ex back if they agreed to therapy?  (Read 5602 times)
Valentine09
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« on: March 08, 2010, 12:47:30 PM »

In the very rare event your exBP were to come to you and say I want help and will go to therapy, how many of you would consider taking them back on a romantic level?  

I really can't see ever dating my exgf again after everything that's happened.  I gave her multiple chances to get help and change her behavior.  I might consider being friends if she got some therapy and was in it a while, but even that's a long shot now and I don't expect to talk to her again.
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2010, 12:51:19 PM »

I know this would never happen. And in any event, if they were really well and not behaving like a tool and not cheating etc, what the hell would I do with myself. We'd both have to go to therapy apart and together.

I would like to say no, even if she agreed to go to therapy and sort herself out then, knowing what I've seen of her from the past it wouldn't be a real offer.

If she had spent two years IN therapy, could apologise for what she had done, could show me worked examples (like at school!) of what had happened and why she treated me in a certain way then yes I would then consider it but I have to say, in two years time I plan on being hooked up with a new woman.
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GCD145
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« Reply #2 on: March 08, 2010, 12:58:17 PM »

From what I've read over on "staying", just saying they'll go to therapy shouldn't be enough.  They actually have to commit to it and make progress.  Most people over there suggest waiting at least 6 months to a year to see if they're committed to getting better.

In my case, I'm out and I ain't going back.  Getting this far almost killed me.

GCD145
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hurtingnbp
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« Reply #3 on: March 08, 2010, 01:32:31 PM »

Wow. Tough question. One I deal with daily. It's difficult because we have three children. With no children the answer is pretty easy to me- no. Because of the children I would at least consider it, would want to be fully engaged in the process, and would need to see marked but realistic improvement. But, like someone else said, it ain't gonna' happen. I probably have a better chance at winning the lottery than her getting DBT. She is in therapy but its CBT and isn't really doing her a lick of good.
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Want2know
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« Reply #4 on: March 08, 2010, 01:47:41 PM »

If she had spent two years IN therapy, could apologise for what she had done, could show me worked examples (like at school!) of what had happened and why she treated me in a certain way then yes I would then consider it but I have to say, in two years time I plan on being hooked up with a new woman.

I like the ending to your "story"... .you'll be with a new woman instead of waiting around for her to work on herself.  That's how I see myself (well, with a new man, but certainly not for a while).  I had hopes that he would enter therapy and work towards being a more normal human being, but with everything that's happened recently, I've given up hope on that one.
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“The path to heaven doesn't lie down in flat miles. It's in the imagination with which you perceive this world, and the gestures with which you honor it." ~ Mary Oliver
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« Reply #5 on: March 08, 2010, 01:48:00 PM »

How would you qualify this? Would you expect daily progress reports? Would you test the therapy to see if you could trigger a response? Would you report back to friends and family that you had seen "a change?"

No. This is enmeshment. It is Collusion. It is Malignant Optimism. It is distracting to your own journey.

Speaking of your own journey- how would you like it if someone said to you- I will take you back if you go to therapy.

Wouldn't you feel like that was a loaded gun at your back with someone else determining your worth?
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Im.okay.now
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« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2010, 02:05:25 PM »

Not in 123,876,987,654,675,897,678,675 years !



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unknown
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« Reply #7 on: March 08, 2010, 02:38:56 PM »

dont fall for it. its a manipulative ploy. if she was really into the idea of getting better, she would go and get therepy on her own, instead of just doing it to keep you. its just contradicting the whole point of going to therepy if shes in a relationship. she would probally start splititng you then quit therepy to because shed know its get you angry.
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Fruit Loop
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« Reply #8 on: March 08, 2010, 02:39:04 PM »

I'd take mine back without therapy.  It might be hard for me in the long run to deal with the fact that she was sleeping with another man 2 weeks after we broke up.  But, we were broken up.  I would have to hear her say she made a mistake and that she loved me.  I haven't heard "I Love You" in a long long time... .
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GCD145
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« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2010, 02:40:59 PM »

I'd take mine back without therapy.  It might be hard for me in the long run to deal with the fact that she was sleeping with another man 2 weeks after we broke up.  But, we were broken up.  I would have to hear her say she made a mistake and that she loved me.  I haven't heard "I Love You" in a long long time... .

You OK, sdt?  Sounds like you're feeling kinda low.

GCD145
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Colombian Chick
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« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2010, 02:58:42 PM »

I'd take mine back without therapy.  It might be hard for me in the long run to deal with the fact that she was sleeping with another man 2 weeks after we broke up.  But, we were broken up.  I would have to hear her say she made a mistake and that she loved me.  I haven't heard "I Love You" in a long long time... .

? ARE YOU OK?

So you will allow mental torture for an I Love You? Mmmmm something is just not adding up.
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Colombian Chick
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« Reply #11 on: March 08, 2010, 02:59:42 PM »

How would you qualify this? Would you expect daily progress reports? Would you test the therapy to see if you could trigger a response? Would you report back to friends and family that you had seen "a change?"

No. This is enmeshment. It is Collusion. It is Malignant Optimism. It is distracting to your own journey.

Speaking of your own journey- how would you like it if someone said to you- I will take you back if you go to therapy.

Wouldn't you feel like that was a loaded gun at your back with someone else determining your worth?

THERE YOU GO AGAIN WITH GREAT ADVISE.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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recovering
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« Reply #12 on: March 08, 2010, 03:08:02 PM »

dont fall for it. its a manipulative ploy. if she was really into the idea of getting better, she would go and get therepy on her own, instead of just doing it to keep you. its just contradicting the whole point of going to therepy if shes in a relationship. she would probally start splititng you then quit therepy to because shed know its get you angry.

Yup, Agree 100%.  This is how MINE re-engages.  Has been throwing the "maybe I should get counseling" thing at me. He doesn't want me back, he just wants to suck me back in so he can reject me again. AND stall the divorce stuff so he won't have to pay child support.  And he's worried about losing his job (I've always been the big income earner) and might need help.  So he's tossing counseling out there. Complete manipulation, or attempt at manipulation.

I think manipulation is a two way street.  You have to allow yourself to be manipulated, right?  So if we stand tough, it doesn't work, then it's just another sad attempt.

Don't fall for it.  I like that advice.

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Backtome09
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« Reply #13 on: March 08, 2010, 03:24:35 PM »

Never.

I wouldn't have treated a dog the way he treated me.
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kly
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« Reply #14 on: March 08, 2010, 03:24:46 PM »

I think the person with BPD needs to seek therapy, not agree to it.  There may be some cases (ie: married couples or LTR with children) where the person "agrees" to therapy in order to save the family and with that motivation it works out.

But, in general, I think the BP needs to a) recognize for herself or himself that help is needed and b) seek it and c) stay committed for, and this is the important part, d) hisSELF or herSELF--not for anyone else or to salvage a relationship.

Remember, BPs have a fragile sense of identity.  The person he or she presents to his or her partner isn't the "real them."  They don't know who the "real" them is, or they've suppressed their own interests in favor of their partner in order to please that person (or appear pleasing to that person.)

Before the pwBPD can be in a relationship, he or she has to get patched back together.  That person will likely be completely unrecognizable to his or her expartners (that happens already--everytime they move on to new partners they assume new personas or interests), and quite possibly will have nothing in common with their exes.

In addition, isn't a big part of the BPD allure idealization?  They slavish love and attention and adoration on the non.  Yeah, that feels good for a while, but the flip side is the other extreme.  I think a healthy relationship is more about sharing and less about being idealized. 

So once the pwBPD has successfully entered recovery, he or she will be different. 
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Im.okay.now
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« Reply #15 on: March 08, 2010, 03:25:02 PM »

My ex had shown me many many times over and over again that she NEVER finished anything she started. Even for simeplt things. So why would she start now ? This, therapy, would be a major undertaking that i'm sure would be dropped soon after it started.  

I'm sure yours is similar.

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Beast98
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« Reply #16 on: March 08, 2010, 03:42:43 PM »

I told ex that I'd take her back 6 months into DBT, and only if she allowed me to monitor her progress with her T.

So no. It's never gonna happen.   ;p
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rosebud
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« Reply #17 on: March 08, 2010, 04:00:41 PM »

Never.

I wouldn't have treated a dog the way he treated me.

I'm surprised at myself, but I'd have to agree with this when it gets right down to it.  Sure I've thought about it, I love him, it sounds good, but there is zero trust there now.  I wouldn't believe he was really doing it for himself.  I actually wouldn't believe anything that comes out of his mouth at this point.  Like another poster said, he would have to "seek" it on his own, not just agree to it.  Even then I'd have my doubts.  :)on't see it happening, it's too easy for him to move on and continue the illusion.


rosebud
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MxMan
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« Reply #18 on: March 08, 2010, 04:08:54 PM »

I wouldnt. Its not the kind of relationship I prefer to have again. & rekindling the relationship would require far more than just therapy on her behalf. It would require BOTH of us changing behaviors that I'm not certain can be entirely changed. I have a close friend who was in a very similar relationship (not BPD but similar issues) and he recently spent time with that ex. he noted how easy it was for himself to fall back into the same old roles and routines, like putting on a pair of comfortable old sneakers. knowing everything he knew after the fact, he still fell back into the same patterns during that visit. I think my ex and I would very likely do the same thing.

I guess what I'm saying is that even if both of us did the necessary work on ourselves, the old dynamic would be too easy to fall back into. And I'd also guess that if we were both healthier emotionally we wouldnt have been in a relationship to begin with.
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eholland

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« Reply #19 on: March 08, 2010, 04:23:22 PM »

I think i will not... One simple reason. If i go back to her i think the need for therapy declines. You make her or him feel beter so why would they need therapy, if they feel better... .
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Butterfly03
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« Reply #20 on: March 08, 2010, 04:26:23 PM »

This thread has made me think. I would have to say a big NO. My trust has been burnt way too much. To be honest I think my exBPDbf is too far gone.

Butterfly
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GCD145
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« Reply #21 on: March 08, 2010, 04:27:16 PM »

I wouldnt. Its not the kind of relationship I prefer to have again. & rekindling the relationship would require far more than just therapy on her behalf. It would require BOTH of us changing behaviors that I'm not certain can be entirely changed. I have a close friend who was in a very similar relationship (not BPD but similar issues) and he recently spent time with that ex. he noted how easy it was for himself to fall back into the same old roles and routines, like putting on a pair of comfortable old sneakers. knowing everything he knew after the fact, he still fell back into the same patterns during that visit. I think my ex and I would very likely do the same thing.

I guess what I'm saying is that even if both of us did the necessary work on ourselves, the old dynamic would be too easy to fall back into. And I'd also guess that if we were both healthier emotionally we wouldnt have been in a relationship to begin with.

This was exactly why I pulled the plug on my marriage. When she cut off all contact with me during her hospitalization, I realized that I had been enabling her for a decade, and that I was at that point as screwed up as she was, although in a different way.  We BOTH would have to make major changes, and the chances of that happening while we were together were close enough to zero so as to be impossible.

GCD145

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LeroyBrown
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« Reply #22 on: March 08, 2010, 04:37:25 PM »

I've run this question through my head a time or 10.

Excerpt
I like the ending to your "story"... .you'll be with a new woman instead of waiting around for her to work on herself.

I like this, Want2Know. uBPDxgf did a terrific job of saying to me that she needed space to work on herself; that she understood it wasn't fair for me to "wait"; that she didn't know when she would be "better" but by golly she was "working on it". I'm not sure if she even knows what she was/is working on.

2010, great post.

At the end of the day, if they truly have BPD, it's best to just accept it (with all of the pain) and move on. There is little to no hope. It typically takes years of intense devotion to DBT from what I understand, and that's a long time for bad, bad Leroy Brown to be waiting.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Never.

I wouldn't have treated a dog the way he treated me.

Amen. In my case, she wanted to try to treat me like a dog waiting outside a store for the owner... .

"Wait here Leroy until I get back and am all ready to go and play. Just be patient, don't follow me, and don't ask questions. I will probably let a lot of the other dogs play with me, but that's my business, sweety. I don't know when I'll be back, but I LOVE YOU!"

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Catch you on the flip, sister.

As Ridler said on here once, "Leave your hope at the door with BPD". It's true. Painful but true. Much like GCD and the rest of you, I've fought tooth and nail to get here (today marks 16 weeks of N.C.) and don't want a tantrum throwing child with an inferiority complex in an adult's body who treats her vagina (and mouth) like the Dairy Queen drive-thru, holding me back from beautiful life I have before me.

In solidarity,

LB
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kevmo1967
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« Reply #23 on: March 08, 2010, 04:48:50 PM »

HELL NO! mine was IN therapy when she left me. Granted, it was therapy for Bi-polar depression, but she was still being treated by a psychiatrist and a therapist. despite that she still managed to have a self destructive downward spiral(marital infidelity, job loss, suicidal thoughts causing hospitalization) that ended our marriage. also despite being diagnosed as BPD when she spent 2 weeks in the hospital ,she now backtracks on that and says it was bi polar depression along with some BPD behaviors. ummm    if a disorder is defined by behaviors, and you exibit those behaviors, doesn't that mean you HAVE the disorder? ?
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C12P21
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« Reply #24 on: March 08, 2010, 05:06:39 PM »

My exBPDh did go to therapy and couples counseling to "save" the relationship. During this time he was dating, on porn sites, and picking up prostititutes. I found this out one day while working on a project at his home. I am so thankful I did not have intimate contact with him. I confronted him and ended the marriage counseling and shelled out a lot of $$ to end the marriage.

My point is this: they need to decide for themselves that change is needed and warranted. Once that occurs, it is up to them to change. I decided to not wait and it was hard, as he continued for years to re-engagement me in but I was done. Once he realized this, he became very spiteful and abusive. He quit therapy and is a mess.

After being out of marriage for four years, I dated again, only this time with a NPD person, this guy was a dream come true with a difficult ending of our relationship. I miss him but now know, I would never take him back. Do I hope he gets professional help, yes, I do. But our relationship is in the past, I am moving on. It hurts to know this but it is in my best interest. As much as I miss this man I could never trust him again, it is that simple. And I know I cannot wait around.

During the first few months of agony, I prayed he would get help. I still do but no longer for my needs, for his.

I think the best we can do is heal ourselves and with compassion detach and wish them well. To remain in hope for their change is to remain chained and stuck in the relationship-even if it is only in our hearts and heads and not in the present with them.

I know I have changed from this experience, I am not the same trusting person. I am learning to be assertive. The kind of person I have morphed into would not appeal to him, I can no longer be manipulated. As far as that desire of what once was, well I think of it along these terms... .

When I was young I rode a bike that had ten speeds. It was the best kind of bike at the time, I yearned for it, loved to ride it, and was crushed when I crashed and the bike was ruined. As much as I love the memories of that bike, if I were in the market for another bike, it certainly wouldn't be the outdated model of the bike I remember. I would buy something more suitable for the terrain today and my fitness level.

I suspect the same for my exNPDbf, if he ever got help, changed, and looked for a relationship he would probably shop for something different.

We were together for a reason, he fulfilled my need to feel "special" to someone. I am now working on that need to fill it for me, I would no longer desire him as I knew him. I don't need anyone other than my Mother to tell me I am special. The other is this, he cannot take back the nasty things he said and abuse in any of its forms is a real deal breaker for me. I loved him, no doubt, still do. But sometimes it is with love we have to say our goodbyes and wish them well.

Thats the hard part, knowing within yourself it is really over, as much as it hurts, as much as we yearn for the better days of the past.The past is gone and the relationship is too.
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lostinkansas
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« Reply #25 on: March 08, 2010, 05:25:08 PM »

NO WAY!
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PotentiallyKevin
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« Reply #26 on: March 08, 2010, 05:29:12 PM »

Hmmmm, interesting question.

I definitely wouldn't wait for her, and it would have to be after 6 months of intense therapy where I was allowed to speak to the therapist to know that she (BPD) wasn't just yanking my chain and feeding me full of exaggerations... .

I have already been down the therapy road with her. She was medicated and seeing a counselor (who did the wonderful thing of diagnosing her bipolar... .) and it got us no where. Within two months she had stopped going to therapy and began denying anything was wrong with her, and I was the one that was the problem.

Take away the borderline behaviors and I still don't know if she would make a good relationship partner... .I mean, what is borderline behavior vs her "Normal" behavior? Would I love her "Non-disordered" self?

Take away the BPD crap and what was I left with? I haven't a clue. She had very little to offer this relationship - how would therapy really solve this? I don't even have a clue who the "real" her was, maybe I wouldn't like what I was left with. Hell, maybe her non-disordered self wouldn't like who I was. I really think that one of the main reasons she hooked up with me was she was disordered... .if she wasn't BPD we probably would have never met or been attracted to each other.
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1. Capable of being but not yet in existence; latent: a potential greatness.
2. Having possibility, capability, or power.
3. The inherent ability or capacity for growth, development, or coming into being.
4. Something possessing the capacity for growth or development.
anker
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« Reply #27 on: March 08, 2010, 08:37:22 PM »

Mine got me to date him again years later by saying he had been to therapy. Basically he was "cured" and would never need help again... .

So no. No way. I've already been down this road.
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OnceConfused
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« Reply #28 on: March 08, 2010, 11:09:21 PM »

Looking back now 3.5 years later, I would not go back to xBPD. WHy?

For everything good BPD was, my now wife is 10x better. The sex w xBPD was good, but the sex w my wife now is just pure ectasy.

For everything bad BPD was, my now wife is NOT.

The moral is there are many better women out there waiting for us.
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kly
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« Reply #29 on: March 09, 2010, 02:42:39 AM »

Looking back now 3.5 years later, I would not go back to xBPD. WHy?

For everything good BPD was, my now wife is 10x better. The sex w xBPD was good, but the sex w my wife now is just pure ectasy.

For everything bad BPD was, my now wife is NOT.

The moral is there are many better women out there waiting for us.

Oh hope.  Thank you OC.  Someday down the line, it's nice to know I may have that.  In a man that is!  I haven't switched teams yet.
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