Is your ex "this good" with email?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Its been three weeks and... .

Hi,

I've been telling myself I wouldn't do this.  I just wanted to say I miss you.  The isn't a single moment in any single day that I don't miss you.  If this was the right thing to do for you and (son's name) overall hapiness, then I made the right choice.  I'm here taking care of my kids and want to also be there taking care of you guys.  I can't be in two places at once though, and that's tragic.  

I really hope this pain goes away.  

I can see how my recent frustrations in life got the best of me, the best of us.  We needed more from each other, but let our stubborness get in the way.  Our deep seeded fears, always there trying to protect us from getting hurt.  Not letting us get past that final hurdle of getting on with our lives.  The little things you needed, the little things i needed... .so little, they didn't seem important, so little they meant the WORLD... .

I was always honest with you.  Always loyal.  I also used your insecurity to fuel my own.  It was all I had.    We are both good people, capable of real love.  The kind of intmate love that lives outside the bedroom and stays with us even when we are apart.

No need to respond to this, I don't really expect you would put yourself in a position to be vulnerable anyways.  You said if I stayed I could fix things, but I am nothing more than a broken man again, and a broken man is really just that... .

I hope you are enjoying the nice weather and daylight savings time... .if there is one thing I can appreciate these days, it's gotta be sunshine and warmer weather.

Take care of yourself.

My ex honestly thinks happiness should just happen - he's never quite happen with his decisions... .that's the tragedy.

[cali girl]

Its been three weeks and... .

Hi,

I've been telling myself I wouldn't do this.  I just wanted to say I miss you.  The isn't a single moment in any single day that I don't miss you.  If this was the right thing to do for you and (son's name) overall hapiness, then I made the right choice.  I'm here taking care of my kids and want to also be there taking care of you guys.  I can't be in two places at once though, and that's tragic.  

I really hope this pain goes away.  

I can see how my recent frustrations in life got the best of me, the best of us.  We needed more from each other, but let our stubborness get in the way.  Our deep seeded fears, always there trying to protect us from getting hurt.  Not letting us get past that final hurdle of getting on with our lives.  The little things you needed, the little things i needed... .so little, they didn't seem important, so little they meant the WORLD... .

I was always honest with you.  Always loyal.  I also used your insecurity to fuel my own.  It was all I had.    We are both good people, capable of real love.  The kind of intmate love that lives outside the bedroom and stays with us even when we are apart.

No need to respond to this, I don't really expect you would put yourself in a position to be vulnerable anyways.  You said if I stayed I could fix things, but I am nothing more than a broken man again, and a broken man is really just that... .

I hope you are enjoying the nice weather and daylight savings time... .if there is one thing I can appreciate these days, it's gotta be sunshine and warmer weather.

Take care of yourself.

My ex honestly thinks happiness should just happen - he's never quite happen with his decisions... .that's the tragedy.

[2010]

He's Trolling. Don't fall for it. They use pity to make you think they are Humans with feelings- but it's just a cat and mouse game.

To answer your question about hopeful emails: Yes. I think character disordered people have allot of practice in -moving about-(verb = action) the rest of us and appearing normal because we overlook the red flags. This gift they have for appearing normal is further facilitated by *our* interpretation of *their* written word.  Somehow, they know you'll read HOPE in between the lines.  But they throw these hope bombs while they're still moving, never to actually stop and take a look at the real issues and possibly solve their own problems.  They want other people to solve and blame and use. Consider it a bombing run and you're very useful player at the moment, especially if you pick up the email bait and lob it back. You could continue doing this forever- and nothing would get solved. Poor me= poor you=poor me again.

An example:

Dear 2010, I apologize that my insecurities, that I had not yet had the courage to address, led to problems after four months - but through all the fears and insecurities and unwillingness to accept all aspects of my own nature, I cherished you and your balance, grace, self-awareness and self-confidence. I am so sorry that my problems led to an assault on those core aspects of you.

Today I want to forgive myself for that - and recognize that the origins of those problems were not my fault - nor did my parents set out to purposefully abandon me - it just happened in the course of events, pressures, and their own attempts at responsibility and self-fulfillment.

HOWEVER I take full responsibility as an adult for NOT having addressed these issues earlier, letting them fester, and then taking them out on you, the One who, through your love, deserved it least of all.

All I can do is to fully acknowledge my failure, learn from it,and swear to you that should any such circumstances arise again, I will tell you immediately. I hope you can take the absence of such notification as a sign of no such circumstance.

I hope this is the start of a beautiful friendship. Sincerely, Psycho.

Cali girl, my discovery of his involvement with six other women didn't come until later, it involved a woman who had quit her job and had moved across the country to be near him, who found >>this email to me<< on his computer and threatened me to "stay away from him for your own good." She was right!    After the shock of the smear campaign wore off, I uncovered a rash of victims who were as clueless (yet somehow involved) as I was.  I never believed that one person could be so manipulative- but now I'm aware of my naivete- it is my Achilles heel and I constantly remind myself: Actions speak louder than words.

Your ex may not have 6 women, but guaranteed he's about to line up one in the future- His disorder depends on it- to soothe his abandonment issues. And he will use you as the reason for his morose attitude with the new girl. You'll be to blame. Any emails you write back now will be seen by the next victim.

People do come with warning labels. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THEM. Actions speak louder than words- and in this case Actions speak louder than EMAILS.  You have to let go of the words. I know that they seem deep - but words don't count. ~Words *dont* count.~ Actions DO.

Stay strong.  

[cali girl]

thank you 2010, very nicely put - and yes, I know with all my heart that these are just words, I haven't responded I have no more hope this man will ever recover from his mental illness. 

your email has an eerie similarity in that they chose their words wisely.  like you said, their very being depends on how they bait their words = every word loaded with heavy amo.  I won't respond to this email, but I know more are on the way... .this email will end up being a dud - he'll go for the grenade, then follow up with a misile attack shortly after that.

the word shame doesn't even enter their mind - there is nothing admirable in their actions - just sheer desperation.

its so sad, because this disease is busy ruining lives - nobody wins  :'(

[C12P21]

Well Sated 2010 and Cali stick to your instincts. Mine sent a re-engagement email over the XMAS holidays when I didn't take the bait a very scathing email arrived shortly after.

They are creatures of habit. Try to train that dog a new trick and look for his milk bone somewhere else.

C

[kly]

Caligirl,

That e-mail just reaked of self-pity and justifications.  He's trying to rewrite history.  He's looking for your validation so he can feel better about himself.  That's what it looks like to me, anyway.

My exboss, I don't know what he is, a shrewd liar for sure, would pull stuff like this all the time.  You could actually hear his story evolving to fit his need.  And when he had it sounding good, he would be completely convinced that his lie was the truth.  He was very adept at filling in the holes.

Why don't you block him from texting and e-mailing you?  You could also send it to your spam folder. 

It is sad that they have this horrible mental illness.  But, until they go for help and own up to the path of destruction they've left in their wakes, we just need to get out of their way.

[Tippy]

No need to respond to this, I don't really expect you would put yourself in a position to be vulnerable anyways.  You said if I stayed I could fix things, but I am nothing more than a broken man again, and a broken man is really just that... .

   After I read this email I frantically tried to scroll through all the emails my ex sent me, and there is one that is almost identcal to this, its almost scary its so similar, but he has sent me over 1000 emails since last march and dont have time to find it!  The one thing that reaaaaalllllly used to p*ss me off was the `no need to respond to this`.  In BPD language its, oh dear I think you really are gone, I will just use a bit of reverse pyschology then she is bound to reply, gosh I hope she does because I am about to go dysfunctional... .help.  I also luuurrrrrv the bit about `I am nothing more than a broken man again, and a broken man is really just that... .`  Oh boy, what a schmuck, I hope you can see this now as what it is, a whole load of crazy baloney designed specifically to keep you engaged.  Cali girl... .peeerrleaassse block everything now, step away from the BPD!

[kly]

No need to respond to this, I don't really expect you would put yourself in a position to be vulnerable anyways.

Ooh ugh Tippy.  Yeah, that part really bothered me. 

"No need to respond" I get that on forwarded e-mails from family members that are of a different political pursuasion.  I think it means--don't breath on my house of cards.  I've carefully constructed this fragile lie, and don't want it to be undermined by your truths.

And the rest is just him playing the victim.  That seems disingenuous.  He's high functioning, and clearly is aware of the damage he has caused (hence the desire to rewrite history to make himself feel better.) 

[little doggy]

Oh my goodness, I can't believe it. Its tragic and hilarious at the same time. I read the email and had a double take. It was almost word for word emails that I have received (is there a BPD manual they all use ?). Usually when I don't respond to the email (partly cos she told me not to) she follows it with a later email about how much she hates me. Sometimes I would get the different emails in the same day. My xBPDw seemed to have it down to an artform. And to think, I thought I was special. Now I find all BPD's send these emails ! How cool.

[SheWasAFriendOfMine]

 We needed more from each other, but let our stubborness get in the way.  Our deep seeded fears, always there trying to protect us from getting hurt.  Not letting us get past that final hurdle of getting on with our lives.  The little things you needed, the little things i needed... .so little, they didn't seem important, so little they meant the WORLD... .

This is my fav bit.  Collective responsibility for the destruction of the relationship.  My UexBPDgf started doing this sayying we were both to blame!  Gosh, own your mistakes and I'll do mine miss, is all I was asking for!

Stay strong Cali girl, this too shall pass.

[OnceConfused]

CaliGirl:

Yes, of course everyone is capable of real love, but does one know what real love is and how to sustain that ? That is the crux of any love relationship. It is so easy to sit down to write a letter full of big and empty words, but it is very hard to live by those words.

My xBPDgf was so beautiful with her poems about our relationships then only to shift into silent rages, being needy, and critical once we were physically nearby. I saw her post on match awhile ago in which she described herself as being LOYAL, to which I laughed. She was so loyal that within 2 days of me leaving for a vacation w my children, she already had this guy in her house. She was so loyal that she flirted with single or divorced guys in the office. She was so loyal that she let this total stranger pull her over on a busy street, and gave him her phone number.

CaliGirl, here is my take:

BPD CAN TALK THE TALK, BUT THEY CANNOT WALK THE TALK.

[VanessaG]

Mine was a published writer, quite eloquent and absolutely careful with his choice of words, confusing as they were (and were meant to be, I believe), unless he was in a rage.  Then the writing was still excellent, just very cutting and sarcastic and demeaning.

I keep telling myself that regardless of what emotions he had for me, or I for him, that we were just not right for one another.  Namely because I need someone who is emotionally and mentally healthy with whom I can be on an equal footing.

Head vs. heart, head vs. heart.

This too shall pass.

VanessaG

[Tippy]

I thought I was special. Now I find all BPD's send these emails ! How cool.

This cracked me up  .  They really doo have a BPD manual somewhere dont they?  Thats what is so crazy about this condition.  They are the most unpredictable people with the most predictable ways... .thats what really blows me away at times. (its very sunny here in London hence the sunglasses).

[VanessaG]

  re: the manual.

When I found this place, a month or two after having gone NC because of his nutty and abusive behavior, I shouted "Eureka!"

The more I read, and I read a LOT, the more I found myself smacking myself in the forehead and thinking how fascinating this was that it was a SYNDROME, of sorts, and not my own unique experience.  That HE was not so unique, that I was not so pathological in my reaction to him and his behaviors, and that there was indeed a light at the end of the tunnel, since I'd had the wisdom, despite the loud, sucking vortex, to leave him once and for all.

I'm so thankful for all of you and your shared experiences and am enjoying sharing my own healing even as I watch so many of you, over the weeks and months, healing yourself.

Now, who wants to lead the bpdfamily.com Community is a rousing rendition of Kumbaya?   

VanessaG

[recovering]

Just BEWARE Caligirl!  I've had similar "re-engages" with a similar tale for a week or two. Been fending them off, trying to have as little contact as possible (we have two kids and visitation and other sticky things).

I've been hearing - we were partners, good friends... .for so many years... . blah blah blah.

Today, out of the BLUE, came the rage, blaming, screaming, vicious phone call.  I knew he had picked up the girls, thought it was that time so picked up the phone in case there was a problem and got the blunt end of a hammer conversation. Screaming p-od because I didn't tell him about his new insurance coverage he got while we were separated! And on and on.  He signed up for it, none of my business, etc. etc. and I get this horrible (brief, I hung up) phone call. Praying my eight year old daughter isn't listening to him BLAME me for whatever the heck happened at the clinic today.

Needless to say, I just said calmly - I'm sorry, but I'm not going to listen to this conversation anymore. And hung up. Period.

Long story short. BEWARE. Because the sweet, loving, deluded email might be followed by RAGE or whatever, if he doesn't get the reaction he's trying to provoke.

My phone call was clearly raging frustration that I wouldn't let him (that he knew about) push my buttons with his re-engaging.

Lock your door.

Take care, Recovering.   

[jalk]

Cali,

All I read was "blah, blah, blah"... .action and words don't match. Blah, blah, blah.   

[kevlar]

All I read was "blah, blah, blah"... .action and words don't match. Blah, blah, blah.   barfy

ooh! oh! oh! I REALLY want that to be in an auto-reply message to all of his emails! 

I'm going to figure out how to set that up right now!

[slipker]

Wow! It IS as if they have a script isn't it. This is so so similar to an email I received. So sick... .and so weird that they are even stuck in their words. The thinly veiled rage and attempts at being "human". The poor me aspect is so apparent... .and never any owning of their contribution to chaos. To live a "life" with all this disfunction... .what a waste. Every word is chosen for maximum impact... .and you can just see them as they send it... .hoping to reel you in for another round with their dysregulation. Be done with it and don't look back. All I hope for is karma somewhere down the road... .please!

[little doggy]

VanessaG, very happy with your reference to the sucking vortex (the great and powerful re-engage). Its a description Ive used over and over as I've deperately tried to paddle in the opposite direction. At least now I feel like im watching the whirpool from the shore (tho' I still have to be vigilant for the kraken that occasionally rises up and tries to cacth me with its tentacles).  Good call.

[NHBeachBum]

Pardon the stupid question Cali but why don't you simply put a block on your exBPDbf's e-mail so you won't even have to waste time reading his ridiculous re-engagement attempts? Wouldn't that solve your problem pretty easily & quickly? Why keep engaging him - what's the point? If this is the same guy from a couple of years ago, isn't his actions very predictable - e-mails, texts, etc? Why not be proactive & just protect yourself from the re-engages?

Just a thought.

-NHBB

[cali girl]

wow, yes this is nuts... .emails flowing through just like expected, he has to lay ultimate blame on me (when do they ever take responsibility for their actions) - hmmm, I think I was the one who suggested we go to therapy and really try to get through our problems - to hear him say NO, I'M NOT GOING TO THERAPY TO, I'M MOVING OUT     

Unfortunately, it is bittersweet to receive these emails - after dealing with a BPD (the very people whom proclaim their undying love for you VIA EMAIL) and their i don't give a ___ about you, or your feelings, you MEAN NOTHING TO ME while together, there's a certain sense of satisfaction - I'M SORRY BUT IT'S TRUE!

Hell will freeze over, I told him before he left that I won't allow him to do this to his kids, me or my son.  Its just amazing how they act on emotions of the moment - they live in the moment and can't see backward, nor ahead... .just a complete lack of foresight.

[NHBeachBum]

wow, yes this is nuts... .emails flowing through just like expected, he has to lay ultimate blame on me (when do they ever take responsibility for their actions) - hmmm, I think I was the one who suggested we go to therapy and really try to get through our problems - to hear him say NO, I'M NOT GOING TO THERAPY TO, I'M MOVING OUT     

Unfortunately, it is bittersweet to receive these emails - after dealing with a BPD (the very people whom proclaim their undying love for you VIA EMAIL) and their i don't give a ___ about you, or your feelings, you MEAN NOTHING TO ME while together, there's a certain sense of satisfaction - I'M SORRY BUT IT'S TRUE!

Hell will freeze over, I told him before he left that I won't allow him to do this to his kids, me or my son.  Its just amazing how they act on emotions of the moment - they live in the moment and can't see backward, nor ahead... .just a complete lack of foresight.

Cali,

Do you & your ex have kids or a business together? Maybe I missed something but is there some reason that you're still in contact with him? I'm still confused why you're reading all of his re-engagement e-mails & not blocking them & going NC? You seem surprised about what your exBPDbf is doing - living in the moment. Isn't that what he's been doing the past few years? Isn't this the same stuff he did a couple of years ago then re-engaged you back? Isn't this old news - same old, same old?

I'm really not trying to be harsh or judge but just point out the fact that you seem to have a history of not really going NC, then a couple months later end up back with your exBPDbf, then a while later end up posting on here again after he never really changes. Seems like it's the same cycle for you. If you are serious about breaking the cycle, why not just go NC? It seems to have worked for many people on the nook. Seems like you have already validated the fact that he has lots of serious issues that you are not able to control or fix - you have been there, done that. What's the point of being fixated on his latest e-mail re-engages? Why not try to shift your focus on yourself & what you can do to stop your own cycle & do something different? I think the simple solution is just block his e-mails, texts, phone calls, then move on with your life, leave the drama behind & focus on your future - not dwell in your past.

Just a thought. Sorry if this upsets you but it's like I've seen this movie & I already know the ending... .maybe it's time for a happier ending for Cali?

Good luck what ever choice you make.

-NHBB