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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: So I'm a bit compulsive  (Read 407 times)
Honeybee
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« on: April 16, 2010, 07:50:35 PM »

So I declare myself to be 4 weeks NC tomorrow.  Changed my number, blocked him from facebook and his email is automatically filtered.

However, I am somewhat cheating because I do a search on his name in my gmail and then I look in the trash and deleted messages just to check and see if he's tried to write me.  I really need to stop doing this. Am I hoping he'll write? I've always hoped before but I am so much more commited to finally ending this now. So why do I do it?
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2010
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Posts: 808


« Reply #1 on: April 16, 2010, 08:12:35 PM »

I hate to say this- but you have to delete everything. Otherwise, It's a bit of malignant optimism and addiction to drama. The two were fighting in my mind- because this person represented something that goes deep- into my childhood (like when you hoped your Mother or Father would come and comfort you after they were upset with you)

Leaving the door open like that is only a wishful thinking that this will all be over if the other person wants it to be over and all it takes is a good discussion. And it is a loophole that the other person uses at their discretion (meaning they dont really have your best interest at heart) and opportunity exists when you check the mail.

You could be checking daily, hourly until your rational mind gets exhausted and your addictive mind takes over. That's when you send a signal out to this person in order to reengage. It could be driving past their house- or googling them on the web, or sending an email saying you want to talk. It's exhausting, because you are trying to reengage something that is broken. You are trying to get comfort from a person who cannot give it.

I know that it's hard to sever the connection. When you do- you will be alone, despondent and unsure of where to go or who to turn to next. Most of us dont know how to give ourselves comfort. We learned how to comfort others for all of our needs.  Realizing that all your energy goes outward in the hopes of getting some back is depressing. Our wisdom is flawed.

That's when most people begin the process of self-discovery- and painfully coming to terms that the connection to the personality disordered serves a physic thread from primary caregivers. Cutting that thread can mean self destruction or vanishing from them. There's grief work to be done in letting go-it's scary- but the person you need to grieve is the small child that's been left behind.  

If you dont help this little child, and pretend instead that they are not hurt and wounded- you'll either re-hash painful circumstances with the old partner or reconnect with a new partner from a base of false strength- either way, you are at a greater odds of distraction from this process of healing yourself.  So you see, this relationship gave you something to consider about your own needs. It was a link to the past that gives you a vision for your future. You either settle in and do the work- or you dont. Eventually it will catch up with you if you dont.
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rosebud
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Relationship status: x 4 months
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« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2010, 09:42:47 PM »

What 2010 says is so true Honeybee.  It must be, because I really felt it deeply while reading his words.  We owe it to ourselves (our choice) to tend to that little child.  We cannot expect the person who has hurt us to do this.  It's more likely they won't.  They have their own issues and needs.  We can't ignore our pain, we must tend to it with love and care.  What you're doing, I can relate to, just did a post on it last week.  We're fooling ourselves and they're still hurting us indirectly.  We can come up with so many rational reasons, justice, validation, was it real?, don't they care?... .on and on.  This isn't rational and isn't going to be, the abuser or offender isn't suddenly going to make it right.  That's the reality.  But we can do something about it.  To our healing... .x

If you come from a place of caregiver... .visualize this little child sitting there alone, crying, peeking around the corner occasionally and no adult caregiver comes to comfort them or talk.  but you the adult walks in and hugs them, sits down, holds their little hands and asks, "What's on your mind, how can I help?  I'm you 30 years from now.  I'm here for you, let's do this."
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innerspirit
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: (after 19-yr. marriage) separated 12/08, divorce settlement reached 1/11, NC
Posts: 4859


« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2010, 10:48:34 PM »

I hate to say this- but you have to delete everything. Otherwise, It's a bit of malignant optimism and addiction to drama. The two were fighting in my mind- because this person represented something that goes deep- into my childhood (like when you hoped your Mother or Father would come and comfort you after they were upset with you)

Leaving the door open like that is only a wishful thinking that this will all be over if the other person wants it to be over and all it takes is a good discussion. And it is a loophole that the other person uses at their discretion (meaning they dont really have your best interest at heart) and opportunity exists when you check the mail.

You could be checking daily, hourly until your rational mind gets exhausted and your addictive mind takes over. That's when you send a signal out to this person in order to reengage. It could be driving past their house- or googling them on the web, or sending an email saying you want to talk. It's exhausting, because you are trying to reengage something that is broken. You are trying to get comfort from a person who cannot give it.

I know that it's hard to sever the connection. When you do- you will be alone, despondent and unsure of where to go or who to turn to next. Most of us dont know how to give ourselves comfort. We learned how to comfort others for all of our needs.  Realizing that all your energy goes outward in the hopes of getting some back is depressing. Our wisdom is flawed.

That's when most people begin the process of self-discovery- and painfully coming to terms that the connection to the personality disordered serves a physic thread from primary caregivers. Cutting that thread can mean self destruction or vanishing from them. There's grief work to be done in letting go-it's scary- but the person you need to grieve is the small child that's been left behind.  

If you dont help this little child, and pretend instead that they are not hurt and wounded- you'll either re-hash painful circumstances with the old partner or reconnect with a new partner from a base of false strength- either way, you are at a greater odds of distraction from this process of healing yourself.  So you see, this relationship gave you something to consider about your own needs. It was a link to the past that gives you a vision for your future. You either settle in and do the work- or you dont. Eventually it will catch up with you if you dont.



A brilliant post and great reminder to all of us walking our own paths thru this.  I didn't understand the deeper reason for No Contact when I first chose to go that way -- it was to unhinge my own head from the addiction, the hamster wheel inside.

A little compulsive in this case is like taking the first drink while working on sobriety.  It's been over a year since I left X.  A few days ago, I thought what the heck, I'll peek into FaceBook.  I'm OK but it wasn't a good move for me -- in fact my gut was saying don't go there.  I sense in your post that you have something of the same feeling.  Trust it -- you're finding yourself again and your gut instincts won't lie to you. 

I think if you expend a lot of energy in trying to figure out why, you're sort of still channeling your energy to the drama mode, to the what-if.  If I were you, I'd choose instead to absorb myself in things that really fascinate me, learn about new things, try a new exercise routine, or some meditation, etc. etc.  Just let the occasional thoughts go by -- they will happen, you don't have to act on them internally or externally.

(I'm not saying ignore it all, or to avoid working on it like in therapy or independently; I just mean to find a balance again in the times when you can engage your mind in other things.  And to resist what your instincts are telling you to resist.)
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Honeybee
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Posts: 143


« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2010, 12:29:49 AM »

2010, you are right. I have a lot of inner work to do. I've been pretty proud of myself because I haven't contacted him and changing my number was a huge deal because it took years for me to have the courage to do it. Also, for the first time since I met him, I feel brave enough to look at and want to have a life without him.  So I guess I have been patting myself on the back for these things, and overlooking the fact that I am still checking the trash. It even sounds pathetic. Like I dig in the trash to see if he bothered to leave me a half eaten sandwich!

I have been trying to do some inner work on my own. I can't afford a T at this point, but I have been examining myself, the relationship and the pattern. I'm trying to figure out what it is that makes me do something so self destructive over and over again.

So I guess I will have to delete the entire account which I've had for years and years. What a pain in the butt.

Thanks so much for your post. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Rosebud, yeah, he's not ever going to make it right. I actually don't expect him to. I think I always felt validated when he came crawling back (oh... .he really does love me after all!) And it has been such a cycle for five years, to wait on him to come back and validate me. I guess it's hard to fully disengage from that cycle, although I really and truly from the bottom of my heart want to be done with him.


Innerspirit, thanks for reminding me to listen to my gut. Very good point. I know exactly what you mean. I am often tempted to remove the facebook block and take a peek, but so far I have resisted because I KNOW it will just bring me more pain. Checking my email trash is a little safer (as far as I was concerned) because if he did write, it would most likely consist of groveling. But even then, I wouldn't be able to write him back, and I would suffer for that too.

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rosebud
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« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2010, 12:49:41 AM »

Rosebud, yeah, he's not ever going to make it right. I actually don't expect him to. I think I always felt validated when he came crawling back (oh... .he really does love me after all!) And it has been such a cycle for five years, to wait on him to come back and validate me. I guess it's hard to fully disengage from that cycle, although I really and truly from the bottom of my heart want to be done with him.

That's where now I think I got stuck too, Honeybee.  We broke up so many times, and there was always a tremendous amount of drama, and I always forgave him and took him back.  This time it was over.  Major projecting by BPDxh.   New girl.  ::crickets::

We get so programmed by the cycle and don't even realize it.  We need to learn how to deprogram.  We're left here thinking, but you loved me  and all those other things.  They won't validate us.  It won't happen from a pwBPD.

It's a blessing in disguise that it's over finally, but boy is it hard to move past... .we can do it.



(edited to add... .I don't know what email you have but AOL has an option of sending blocked mail to your spam folder, or deleting it outright, you won't even see it your trash bin.  That's what I did.  Removes the temptation and you won't have to cancel your account.)
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Manon46
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Relationship status: divorced 2010
Posts: 1556


« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2010, 02:13:58 AM »

I still have problems thinking of him with some one else, even every single cell in my body doesn't want him back...

I don't want to talk to him, see him, or hear from him...

We don't have fb much here but i know if we had, i certainly would'nt check it out... why? because i still couldn't bear the thought of him being happy

Although i know it would be a big farce i m looking at, it would get me anyhow... .

See no evil,hear no evil... what you don't know can't hurt you... .ok i am not where i want to be yet, which is in total indifference, and sometimes wonder if i'll ever be there, but till that stage i will avoid every information or informant... the only thing i want to know is that he is doing really bad

I know, it's not good to want that... .but for now it is what it is... .he made me suffer, partly my own fault,ofcourse, no doubt about that, but i want him to reep what he sow... my innerchild is not yet healed totally but she is learning... .till that day... no info from and about him...
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innerspirit
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: (after 19-yr. marriage) separated 12/08, divorce settlement reached 1/11, NC
Posts: 4859


« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2010, 09:58:18 AM »

Hi HB -- two great images in these latest posts --

1) the half-eaten sandwich in the trash.  Yeah, do you really want it?  Does anything about it sound good at all?  How would it look, smell, taste?  Yuck!

2) ::crickets::

That's brilliant and witty!  Time passes, not much happening, just the stillness of a late-summer evening, hearing the crickets outside.  Nature is so predictable.  Ho hum.

(A great way to transform the drama into same-old, same-old.)
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