Thanks for the bump Clearmind, I think this will be really helpful!
When did you begin to understand your own experience from YOUR point of view
I first started seeing other families were different when I went away to college and stayed in the dorms. Things started getting progressively worse as I did more things without her: getting married, buying a house, having kids. The moment of clarity came in the middle of a massive argument, where I was accused of many unrealistic things and flat out told my feelings didn't matter. I had a moment of just feeling "I'm done."
Which of these qualities do you have? Which would you like to develop? How has your growing up in the household of a pwBPD taught you some of these qualities (and which ones)?
Adaptable (You adjust to new, changing or difficult situations with relative ease)-I'm not sure where it comes from, but I love change! Every 2 or 3 years I start getting really antsy for some major life change. I want to try new things! I'm pretty good at figuring what needs to be done in what order and get it done.
Confident (You feel a sense of competence in at least some of the important areas of your life; you possess a sense of self-respect)-This is something I'm working on. I'm good at my job. I get good feedback. But yet there's still that voice in the back of my head saying, "You should be able to do more!"
Curious (You have an innate inquisitiveness and interest in the world around you)-Very much so. I'm always questioning why things are the way they are. I love learning new things.
Engaged (You have the ability to connect with others, to give and accept support)-I have a hard time connecting with others. I'm very shy, and when I try to be supportive, I often come across fairly blunt. I just recently learned to ask for help.
Humorous (You're able to find humor in situations)-I'm not at all, but my kids are helping me open up and laugh more with their silly antics.
Intuitive (You have good hunches when it comes to understanding others and how they behave)-Definitely! My very survival depended on reading my mom's slightly varying moods, so that I could react in the least offensive way. I can read body language and tone of voice better than average. However, I used to get frustrated because I would wonder why other people couldn't see things that were so obvious to me.
Inventive (You have the ability to see things in different ways; to come up with alternatives to problems; and to express yourself through creative endeavors)-I love problem solving. And I thoroughly enjoy a good craft project.
Optimistic (You possess a sense of hope and a solid belief that the future will be fine, or better)-Yes, always. This is what saw me through some very difficult times. Being able to see that there were periods of time I just had to bide my time before I could move on was what kept me going.
Persistent (You're tenacious and have the ability to work at something that's important to you)-I am so stubborn. When I decide I'm going to do something, I'm can't get it out of my head until I do it.
Self-directed (When something truly needs to be done, you're able to recognize it on your own and muster the inner resources to do it)-I do. Partly because I'm a bit impatient and I don't want to wait around for someone else to finally get a plan of action in place, I'll set things in motion.
Spiritual (You believe in some force larger than yourself and our own [and others'] human abilities)-Yes.
Have you told your story in a way that has helped you (through art/writing, public service/activism, faith communities, 12-step programs, therapy, to family/friends, etc.)? What has been your experience of telling your story?
I'm a fairly open person and talk about my family when it comes up in conversation. My husband has been the biggest help by being a sounding board often. I have had the whole range of responses from friends ranging from those who don't understand (disbelief, and, "You should try harder" to those who have been really supportive and understanding.
If you have had success finding validation outside of yourself that has helped you know yourself as lovable, worthy, and special, how has that happened? Please share your story.
If you have had success with self-validation (inside yourself) how has that happened? Please share your story.
My husband all the way. He was the first person that loved me unconditionally. It was partly his example of treating me in a manner I deserved to be treated that made me realize the relationship I was in at the time was not good for me. I still have days where I have a hard time understanding how he could find me so perfect when I see so many flaws. I still have a hard time as seeing myself as a special, unique, and important individual, but I'm early in my journey and working on it.
How hard has it been for you to accept validation from outside of yourself? If someone gives you a compliment are you able to accept it? Can you recognize when a compliment is well deserved? Have you had successes in life that you have belittled? This is a good place for you to tout your own horn and brag a bit.
I have a very time accepting outside validation. Someone else says good job, I say to myself that I could have done better. I sometimes can accept a compliment, but I don't know that it will ever stop making me feel uncomfortable. I've probably had compliments that I didn't even hear or realize. Pretty much all of my successes were belittled by my family. In school if I got anything less than an A, I got in serious trouble. I remember a two hour lecture from my mom that had me bawling the whole time because I brought home one B on my report card. She never bothered to ask why. If I excelled at something, her response was, in an off-handed manner, "Well you should have. That's what's expected of you." I graduated college with honors, with double-majors, in 4 years, by taking credit loads high enough I had to get adviser permission, and I
still didn't get more than that. It took me a few years, but I finally realize that was a huge accomplishment, I'm proud of myself for that, and it doesn't matter what my parents think.
Can you imagine feeling valued, lovable, and worthy even if your relative with BPD never sees you this way? How can you or have you achieved this?
I have good days and bad, but overall I do feel I am. It's taken a long time for lots of external validations to slowly sink in and help me realize that I am. These people all say I do a good job at work. These people say they like to hang out with me. This guy liked me enough to marry me. Maybe I am. I still hurts that my mom doesn't see me in this way, but I'll surround myself with people who do.
I'm wondering how many other people found that rebellion was a pathway to healing? Do we need some rebellion in order to break away?
I feel I did have to rebel, but I had to wait until I was in a place to take care of myself in order to do it. I was threatened with mom's way or the highway (literally). She made it very clear if I didn't want to play by her rules, I was on my own. So when I rebelled (stopped doing everything she wanted), she cut me out of her life. But for me it was a very important step. It was like saying, "This is not ok. I deserve better. I will not accept this. You cannot control me anymore." It was very freeing, and it's giving me the space I need to heal myself.
I know it's long, and I don't know if anyone will actually read this, but just going through this was really helpful!
