Lesson Learned: Don't be Billy the Bass

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This will start like it has nothing to do with anything, but I promise it will:

When I was in college, we had a friend whom we nicknamed "Billy the Bass" (his name wasn't billy-- it was after the wall mounted talking bass in the infomercials and in the McDonald's ads).  We gave him the nickname, because he always "took the bait."  So, for instance, he got a summer internship working for a major brewing company and every time we ordered a product from their rival he'd get upset and tell us we were "taking money out of his pocket."  Obviously, being juvenile males, we'd order that other brand's beer on purpose just to chuckle at him.

Many of you probably can see where this is going, but today I had to exchange some emails with my exBPD concerning the termination of our house lease.  She has to return some documents and is obviously holding on for as long as she can in an effort to provoke me.  I sent her an email asking her to do so quickly (that this was a business and not a personal or legal concern) and she replied with one filled with FOG, lies, and deflection.  I replied again to the point and more of the same.  As I was typing a sentence in the second email, the connection went off in my head: ":)on't be Billy the Bass!"  I erased that sentence (which wasn't angry, but put me off topic) and continued with the clear, polite request.  She replied again as a BPD does and I replied with "So you've don it then?"  Silence.  

I think a lot of the SET technique is about this, but it seems easier to repeat to oneself ":)on't be Billy the Bass!"

So, now that I am out, I should remember that I have tools to help us not take the bait:  slow down communications (lots of members talk about only emailing), keep repeating "don't take the bait," (I've also started saying "It's not my fault" when I get stressed) and keep your eyes on the prize: You aren't contacting to chat-- you are contacting to get stuff (in my head I use a four letter s word) done.

[rougeetnoir]

This will start like it has nothing to do with anything, but I promise it will:

When I was in college, we had a friend whom we nicknamed "Billy the Bass" (his name wasn't billy-- it was after the wall mounted talking bass in the infomercials and in the McDonald's ads).  We gave him the nickname, because he always "took the bait."  So, for instance, he got a summer internship working for a major brewing company and every time we ordered a product from their rival he'd get upset and tell us we were "taking money out of his pocket."  Obviously, being juvenile males, we'd order that other brand's beer on purpose just to chuckle at him.

Many of you probably can see where this is going, but today I had to exchange some emails with my exBPD concerning the termination of our house lease.  She has to return some documents and is obviously holding on for as long as she can in an effort to provoke me.  I sent her an email asking her to do so quickly (that this was a business and not a personal or legal concern) and she replied with one filled with FOG, lies, and deflection.  I replied again to the point and more of the same.  As I was typing a sentence in the second email, the connection went off in my head: ":)on't be Billy the Bass!"  I erased that sentence (which wasn't angry, but put me off topic) and continued with the clear, polite request.  She replied again as a BPD does and I replied with "So you've don it then?"  Silence.  

I think a lot of the SET technique is about this, but it seems easier to repeat to oneself ":)on't be Billy the Bass!"

So, now that I am out, I should remember that I have tools to help us not take the bait:  slow down communications (lots of members talk about only emailing), keep repeating "don't take the bait," (I've also started saying "It's not my fault" when I get stressed) and keep your eyes on the prize: You aren't contacting to chat-- you are contacting to get stuff (in my head I use a four letter s word) done.

[Turkish]

I like Billy The Bass, that's a great analogy. Sounds like you did well. 

We also have a short thread here on this subject:

TOOLS: Responding to hostile email