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Author Topic: Let's make a triggers list  (Read 13001 times)
poodlemom
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« Reply #30 on: August 02, 2010, 02:36:20 PM »

Huge trigger for me... .

Someone suggesting I need to "understand" mother and that she can't help the way she is. Aahhhhhh! My head could explode at the mere mention of this! I have spent 50 years trying to understand and forgive and find compassion. Where's the understanding for her victims, huh? Ugh! Sorry, that one just really gets to me. Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better now. Lol! Ej58
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runner mom
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« Reply #31 on: August 02, 2010, 07:00:32 PM »

Huge trigger for me... .

Someone suggesting I need to "understand" mother and that she can't help the way she is. Aahhhhhh! My head could explode at the mere mention of this! I have spent 50 years trying to understand and forgive and find compassion. Where's the understanding for her victims, huh? Ugh! Sorry, that one just really gets to me. Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better now. Lol! Ej58

AGREED!  In my intellectual head I "understand" but that doesn't mean I forgive, or accept or find it okay in any way that she abused the crap out of me for years.  I could not agree with you more!
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poodlemom
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« Reply #32 on: August 02, 2010, 07:35:09 PM »

Agree Nhmo2! I contend that the reason they got away with their horrible behavior for so long, is that everyone just went out of their way to excuse it or justify it or say "well, that's just mom." By always capitulating, her bad behavior was, in essence, rewarded. Hey, it worked for her so why change? Sheesh! If that's how it works then I guess that must mean it's ok for me to be a complete psycho and rule my family with fear and intimidation too, right?  Afterall, poor ej58, she just can't help it, she had such a rough and unhappy childhood." Blech! Blech! Blech! Hey, let's just not have laws and jails  either because surely everyone there suffered some sort of sorrow in their childhood. Let's all just join hands and sing Cum Ba Yah and everything will be hunky dorey. 

Yes, I get it, mother got dealt a crappy hand, but does that give her carte blanche to go merrily through life wreaking havoc on every unfortunate soul who she comes in contact with? My answer is no bleepin' way! I don't think my mom can even come close to comprehending the damage she has done to the ones who loved her most. She sees herself as perfect and saintly. And her lap dog hubby #8 is but a shadow of the once strong, confident, retired military man she married. He is now a bankrupt, enmeshed, frightened old man and too tangled in her web of deceit to even realize he is just her latest victim. Ej58
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badseed
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« Reply #33 on: August 02, 2010, 11:28:43 PM »

Another trigger, that someone else mentioned too:

-Seeing fathers and mothers being sweet or doting on their daughters. I know I should be happy for other people who have good family relationships. At a previous job, I was at lunch with some co-workers. My boss (a guy in his 50s) saw his college age daughter at the cafe. He was so happy. He jumped up and said, "well there's my little darlin!" and gave her a big hug. I felt a weird rush of emotions and had to hold back tears. I don't know if I was touched by the interaction or really, really jealous.  I remember feeling the same way when I was a kid. At a family event, my female cousin, 7 years old (same as me at the time) snatched her dad's camera and snapped a photo. I cringed, waiting for yelling and scolding. My uncle gently took the camera, laughed and said, "baby girl just took a picture!" I remember talking about the incident later with my slightly younger sister and mocking his voice, "baby girl just took a picture!" We both knew that if we would have done the same thing we probably would have gotten yelled at and most likely spanked. We resented our cousin for being able to be sort of naughty and still being treated lovingly.

I never felt protected, doted on or cherished, or treated as anything but an inconvenience in my childhood and young adulthood. Seeing dads especially being warm to their daughters just makes me want to bawl.
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poodlemom
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« Reply #34 on: August 03, 2010, 12:25:04 AM »

Oh badseed!

Yes! I too have felt that wistful pain of having never been anybody's sweet darlin'. Ouch, that still hurts. Most of the time I'm ok but on occasion, without warning, I'll be reminded of just how much I never had... .to be cherished by our parents is one of our most basic human needs.  ej58
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runner mom
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« Reply #35 on: August 03, 2010, 06:09:12 AM »

Wow Badseed,

This is a trigger for sure for me too and I didn't have any clue it was until I read this... .  I get SO emotional seeing young kids or grown adults interacting normally and happily with their parents and figured I was always just a sap... .but I think that it's also about longing for what I never had.  Sometimes I find myself looking at a mom and a young kid or kids and thinking, before I realize it, "she is surely putting on an act and I wonder what she's like at home with them?"   Who thinks that?   Me I guess.   Thanks for this post-- it just brought me to my knees a bit, making me realize yet one more layer of hurt, but it is necessary and I am grateful for the awareness, however painful.  I am sorry you have this same hurt and past experience with parents who could not nurture you as children are supposed to be nurtured.

x



Another trigger, that someone else mentioned too:

-Seeing fathers and mothers being sweet or doting on their daughters. I know I should be happy for other people who have good family relationships. At a previous job, I was at lunch with some co-workers. My boss (a guy in his 50s) saw his college age daughter at the cafe. He was so happy. He jumped up and said, "well there's my little darlin!" and gave her a big hug. I felt a weird rush of emotions and had to hold back tears. I don't know if I was touched by the interaction or really, really jealous.  I remember feeling the same way when I was a kid. At a family event, my female cousin, 7 years old (same as me at the time) snatched her dad's camera and snapped a photo. I cringed, waiting for yelling and scolding. My uncle gently took the camera, laughed and said, "baby girl just took a picture!" I remember talking about the incident later with my slightly younger sister and mocking his voice, "baby girl just took a picture!" We both knew that if we would have done the same thing we probably would have gotten yelled at and most likely spanked. We resented our cousin for being able to be sort of naughty and still being treated lovingly.

I never felt protected, doted on or cherished, or treated as anything but an inconvenience in my childhood and young adulthood. Seeing dads especially being warm to their daughters just makes me want to bawl.

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survivorof2
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« Reply #36 on: August 09, 2010, 03:32:04 PM »

Well I have avoided reading this thread until today...

But yesterday was a rough day as I was triggered... .

Heard a sermon about "loving your enemies". Sorry but I just can't stomach that right now. I do pray for my enemies just so my grief and anger don't completely overwhelm me.

Second trigger was something new I discovered. My DH was very busy working on projects around the house yesterday and hearing him walk back and forth sent me into such a panic that I went into another room and hid.   He is a very gentle man and has so much compassion for me. When uBPDm was getting ready to rage at me (didn't every know if I'd get beaten or just screamed at), I could hear her footsteps coming. Sometimes she was not headed for me, but for another part of the house. So my trigger is hearing footsteps going back and forth.  :'(

Still got work to do to heal... .
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« Reply #37 on: August 09, 2010, 11:02:57 PM »

She's just DH's uBPDx and SD's uBPDm, but my triggers are:

Any kind of pig trinket, knicknack, etc

and videos of a crackling fire (ever since SD mentioned uBPD had such a video, as I found that out just before I'd bought one for DH and I)
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onesmartcookie39

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« Reply #38 on: November 26, 2012, 12:17:55 PM »

I'm just starting to learn what my triggers are or even knowing that I had them. Anytime I feel smothered, I run or get in a panic. Whether it be if someone is calling or messaging too much. If someone says "where are you". It makes my skin crawl because my mother stalks me. I feel like a hunted animal.
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« Reply #39 on: November 27, 2012, 07:56:19 AM »

My enforcer-enabler passive-aggressive NPD dad leaving a voicemail message, initially benign and then threatening: "call me now".  Just listening to his recorded demands make me unsettled for hours.  Got such a call yesterday; am ignoring it but know that he's coming over this evening to see the kids.   
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poodlemom
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« Reply #40 on: November 27, 2012, 09:36:56 AM »

When someone accuses me of doing something wrong, especially when I didn't know what I was doing was wrong. I immediately feel an intense need to defend myself.

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linusham
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« Reply #41 on: November 27, 2012, 05:14:19 PM »

Anyone walking all over my feelings. Pushy people. People who can't see other peoples perspectives. Christmas. My birthday. Her Birthday. Certain songs. Certain phrases. Some foods. Hearing or seeing people having great, easy, supportive, relationships with siblings.

Wow. There's quite a lot!
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One Day at a Time
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« Reply #42 on: November 28, 2012, 08:14:04 PM »

My hugest trigger is passive-agressive communication.  Anyone who wants "X" and asks for "Y" and assumes that you know what they mean, and then gets mad at you if you can't read their mind.  ICK!  Big big   
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frozensolid

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« Reply #43 on: November 29, 2012, 03:43:19 AM »

I feel triggered anytime I hear someone with the sniffles.

BPDmom used to sit and brood in silence looking hateful and crying.  Since everyone was sitting in silence during these incidents, all I could hear was her freakin' sniffles.
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Loveisfree
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« Reply #44 on: December 03, 2012, 03:09:06 PM »

These are good and helpful knowing I am not alone   

1. Thank you notes - I HATE THEM!   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)    I have packs of them and feel slightly breathless just looking at them.  My uBPDm would rage on and on about thank you notes and people not sending them timely and not calling timely to say thank you.  They make me want to barf.  I rarely send them, they usually get stuck in the bottom of some bag unsent, just like birthday cards and other greetings   

2. A person screaming at their child in public      Makes me want to snatch up the child and call the cops, I feel that what goes on behind closed doors must be far worse if the parent is not ashamed to be this way in public.

3. Being touched, especially by people I am not fond of      uBPDm loves to just touch whenever she feels like it, it always seems that she knows when I am upset by her behavior and trapped in a car.  She recently told me how she liked to squeeze my sis leg in the car to make her smile when she was visiting my sis following her breakdown    :'(    She said that sis liked it and would smile, I knew that sis was probably grimacing inside, still too polite to say stop  :'(

4.  Being stared at for too long.  In the elevator today a woman would turn and just stare at me and them my clothing, jewelry, etc.  I tried to roll my eyes discreetly, just enough for her to see but she did not stop.  My uBPDm would stare so much at sis and I growing up, checking our expressions, clothing, hair, skin, etc.  She would do this when we were out often followed by a correction of some sort, "what are you eating, your skin looks horrible", "you getting bags under your eyes, what were you doing last night" "you should start working out more, you're getting back fat"     

5.  BPD behaviors in others that I have to deal with.

6. Criticism.

 

7. Any behavior by others that could be interpreted as manipulation, even if the person is only trying to be helpful.  My cousin is very co-dependent and likes to try to get between situations with my mom but will often not say her intentions when she calls, casually acting like she just wants to chat (enabler).  It takes me a while to calm down. 

7.5   I hate having people come to me about things without explaining the full intention of their behavior upfront.  I can often sense that there is something more going on and find it hard to proceed without full disclosure.  If I find out everything later than I am done (very black and white, I know  Smiling (click to insert in post)).  It can create a sense of paranoia in me and I want to take off. 

It's good getting these down.

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southernsis

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« Reply #45 on: December 20, 2012, 10:16:37 AM »

Ugh. Recently went NC with my uBPDsis after an insane tirade of verbal abuse via phone, text and email and a nice dose of gaslighting that was the last straw for me.

Triggers:

1. The text message indicator (haven't been able to block texts, still get an occasional profanity laced text even though I'm NC)

2. Thanksgiving/Christmas (always drama via uBPDsis and stressful for me)

3. Mutual friends who don't know her dark side mention her - tell me how funny, charming, great she is or ask about her... .I can't answer, I'm NC, but can't tell them that. That hurts because they have no idea the hurt and abuse I've suffered at her hands and I think she's the worst.

4. Seeing her on Facebook (through mutual friends)

5. Criticism

6. enMom and Dad talking about her and spoiling her. I could go on and on here.

7. Manipulative people. uBPDsis is a MASTER at that.

8. Seeing people have good relationships with FOO. Mine is so screwed up, but I still struggle with seeking their approval and love. Can't wait to make peace with this one and get on with my own life Smiling (click to insert in post)

NC is new and the triggers are tough to deal with. Hoping that someday I will be able to come to terms with the fact that I don't have the sister I wanted and that there's nothing I can do to change her or what she thinks of me.
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linusham
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« Reply #46 on: December 21, 2012, 10:57:06 AM »

Being shouted at.

People being too close to my personal space - unless they're a friend or close to me.

Criticism.

Being told I am selfish (huge huge one).

Enclosed spaces (not really anything people do to me as such, but due to past experiences of being trapped/left in enclosed spaces and the dark I now have fears of both those things).

Lying or twisting events, thats another huge one.
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ScarletOlive
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« Reply #47 on: January 06, 2013, 06:10:47 PM »

I have PTSD, and so I relate to this thread. My triggers generally cause flashbacks, although sometimes it just brings up the bad memory. Most of them are improving though! Yay! I know this is long, but it may help some peeps.

My number one trigger is being near BPDm, and second worst is being startled.

Sights:

getting a text or email from BPDm

bright lights

sewing machines

beads

some knives

imitation or real physical abuse

little girl’s bangs

jumpers, and other baggy clothes

movies with violence, OCD, PTSD, or people like BPDm

Sounds/Words:

getting a phone call or talking to BPDm

verbal abuse or yelling

loud or high pitched noises

sewing machines (again)

certain bible verses

hearing/reading about abuse, bad news, false piety, or marriage problems

Touch:

People touching me without permission, especially her, and especially grabbing me, touching my back, neck, earrings, or hair

People coming up behind me

Tastes/Smells:

plain oatmeal

peach tea

orange spice tea

lasagna

quiche and egg souffles

and specifically the smell of BPDm's perfume

Situations:

being accused falsely

being used

crowds

dark parking lots
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« Reply #48 on: January 11, 2013, 06:22:07 PM »

2) Having words "put in my mouth"... .  

Yes, this. I detest standing accused of rudeness or insult on the basis of a simple (or willful) misunderstanding.

As a child it was a nightmare scenario: my own words could not be trusted to retain any specific meaning once they'd left my mouth and crossed into the alternative reality of my mother's anxious, terrified, fractured mind. My mother, a creature with nearly absolute power over me and total unfettered access to me, would distort and turn my own words against me as iron-clad evidence of unspeakable thought-crimes that I'd committed against her. It was an effective method for making me feel completely terrible -- gutted and guilty and miserable and infected with a sense of crushing injustice.
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