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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: "Kids are so resiliant..."  (Read 390 times)
Mirielle
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« on: July 24, 2010, 12:32:29 AM »

... .are we?

Kids adapt, learn, grow, explore, progress. As adults, now having experienced life with a BPD, do we stay or go back because we are afraid of change? When we 'move on' do we actually stop in a state of stasis because we are now paralyzed to reach out?

Kids process messages and experience into assimilating a behavior into themselves, or rejecting treatment and overcoming the hardship of their growing years. How do adults process behavior and treatment? Especially from their BPD?

If we stopped growing, learning, exploring and progressing, why did this happen? When did it happen? Before or after the BPD came into our life? If before, were we just a sitting duck ready for the exploitation by the BPD?
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« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2010, 12:37:28 AM »

You know, I've thought about this before.  And the best way I can explain it for myself is this:

When I was in high school and starting to date, I remember thinking about a few things that I liked about someone and would grow fond of them, hoping to date them.  After a few dates with a few people, I thought of more qualities I'd like to find in someone to date.  But then after the first relationship, and second relationship, and third, I started to not only think about qualities I wanted to see in someone, but qualities I didn't want to see any longer.  Somewhere along the way, I lost that list of qualities I like about people and instead only focused on the qualities I didn't want to see.  I don't want to say I settled, but I kind of lost sight of the bigger picture, you know?

Am I resilient?  No.  And I think it comes from being burned too many times.  Heck, even getting burned badly once can change you.  Sadly, every single child will learn this in their lifetime sooner than later.  We all did.  At least I think we all did.
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« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2010, 06:01:41 PM »

Excerpt
How do adults process behavior and treatment? Especially from their BPD?

Sam Vaknin wrote an interesting observation about people that were suffering after a run in with a Narcissist. While painful to read, it gives a sense that there is a defined progress in mourning the relationship. ( NOTE: I've changed *Narcissist* and inserted *Borderline* in it's place.) Take a read and see if anything resonates within you:

At the commencement of the relationship, the Borderline is a dream-come-true. He is often intelligent, witty, charming, good looking, an achiever, empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring, attentive and much more. He is the perfect bundled answer to the nagging questions of life: finding meaning, companionship, compatibility and happiness. He is, in other words, ideal.

It is difficult to let go of this idealized figure. Relationships with borderlines inevitably and invariably end with the dawn of a double realisation. The first is that one has been (ab)used by the borderline and the second is that one was regarded by the borderline as a disposable, dispensable and interchangeable instrument (object).

The assimilation of this new gained knowledge is an excruciating process, often unsuccessfully completed. People get fixated at different stages. They fail to come to terms with their rejection as human beings – the most total form of rejection there is.

We all react to loss. Loss makes us feel helpless and objectified. When our loved ones die – we feel that Nature or God or Life treated us as playthings. When we divorce (especially if we did not initiate the break-up), we often feel that we have been exploited and abused in the relationship, that we are being "dumped", that our needs and emotions are ignored. In short, we feel objectified.

Losing the borderline is no different to any other major loss in life. It provokes a cycle of bereavement and grief (as well as some kind of mild post traumatic stress syndrome in cases of severe abuse). This cycle has four phases: denial, rage, sadness and acceptance.

Denial can assume many forms. Some go on pretending that the borderline is still a part of their life, even going to the extreme of "interacting" with the borderline by pretending to "communicate" with him or to "meet" him. Others develop persecutory delusions, thus incorporating the imaginary borderline into their lives as an ominous and dark presence. This ensures "his" continued "interest" in them – however malevolent and threatening that "interest" is perceived to be. These are radical denial mechanisms, which border on the psychotic and often dissolve into brief psychotic micro-episodes.

More benign and transient forms of denial include the development of ideas of reference. The borderline's every move or utterance is interpreted to be directed at the suffering person and to carry a hidden message which can be "decoded" only by the recipient. Others deny the very disordered nature of the borderline attributing to him ignorance, mischief or vicious intentions. This denial mechanism leads them to believe that the borderline is really not a borderline but someone who is not aware of his "true" being, or someone who enjoys mind games and toying with people's lives, or part of a dark conspiracy to defraud and abuse gullible victims. Often the borderline is depicted as obsessed or possessed – imprisoned by his "invented" condition and, really, a nice and gentle and lovable person. At the healthier end of the spectrum of denial reactions is the classical denial of loss – the disbelief, the hope that the borderline may return, the suspension and repression of all information to the contrary.

Denial in mentally healthy people quickly evolves into rage. There are a few types of rage. It can be focused and directed at the borderline, at other facilitators of the loss, such as the borderline's lover, or at specific circumstances. It can be directed at oneself – which often leads to depression, suicidal ideation, self-mutilation and, in some cases, suicide. Or, it can be defuse, all-pervasive, all-encompassing and engulfing. Such loss-related rage can be intense and in bursts or osmotic and permeate the whole emotional landscape.

Rage gives place to sadness. It is the sadness of the trapped animal, an existential angst mixed with acute depression. It involves dysphoria (inability to rejoice, to be optimistic, or expectant) and anhedonia (inability to enjoy, to experience pleasure, or to find meaning in life). It is a paralysing sensation, which slows one down and enshrouds everything in the grey veil of randomness. It all looks meaningless and empty.

This, in turn, gives place to gradual acceptance and renewed activity. The borderline is gone both physically and mentally. The void left in his wake still hurts and pangs of regret and hope still exist. But, on the whole, the borderline is transformed into a narrative, a symbol, another life experience, a truism and a (tedious) cliché. He is no longer omni-present and the person entertains no delusions as to the one-sided and abusive nature of the relationship or as to the possibility and desirability of its renewal.

www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Vaknin26.html

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Mirielle
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« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2010, 11:59:03 AM »

[How can I find my way when I can't find my post? LOL.

I hope as you read my posts I do have a sense of humor and sometimes it's weird. I'm still laughing at least.]

2010: yes, hard to read, but sometimes truth hurts. Made me pause and wonder again where I am on the spectrum. I'd like to say acceptance except for BPD's (continuous malicious attacks for attention makes me wonder about NPD) continued efforts to keep his foot in the door. But in this thread I'm exploring a sense of progression and learning, so I'll try not to have 'flashbacks.' [Wait, I just need to say I hate him and he's an idiot. Thanks. I feel better now.  Smiling (click to insert in post)]

Clean Slate hit on the idea how repeated 'burns' make us less resiliant. Is it like scar tissue on the soul? Can we remove it? My massage therapist once showed me how massage and manipulation of the scar area can minimize 'lesions.' Can we do that for our soul?

I recently was asked out, just casual get-together, and I was excited and scared at the same time. Weird. Obviously now is not the greatest time [don't ask-it's in other threads; not terribly important] so I just said I'll be away for a while.

OK, I'm going non-linear here, hang on!

In 5th grade, there was a sweet, intelligent boy named Duane. He obviously strove to be intellectually challenged, but his dad would push him more toward liking monster trucks and football. Clearly Duane was not stimulated by dad's interests and his dad would ridicule him mercilessly. My Mom was a den mother for boy scouts so I witnessed first hand this emotional abuse. Mom would praise him for his efforts and you could see him shine! I can't describe it, but I get emotional thinking about it. Mom pointed it out to me, which is why I remember so clearly seeing Duane wilt when his father was around and seeing him come alive when he did well on a test or answered in class. His family moved, then moved again and I have no idea where in the world Duane is now.

I wonder how life turned out for Duane. Did he become a physicist or something, or is he in jail? Once pigeon-holed into someone else's mold, how strong are we to hold on to our core and not become the monster, or paranoid psycho, people try to make us out to be?

I see how we build cities, yet you still see plants growing wherever they can take hold. If left to be, nature reclaims itself. Without the concrete walls surrounding us, built by others, built by ourselves, I think we can revert to our true selves.

I'm continuing to look for tools and strength. I want to keep that proverbial door shut... "thank God for wood and all it's strength, the power to keep you at arm's length!" I'm so much happier than I was in the beginning of the year and I think it's OK to share a cup of coffee with someone when I've recovered, from my time away. We'll see. It's just a cup of coffee.
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« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2010, 06:10:00 PM »

Excerpt
But, on the whole, the borderline is transformed into a narrative, a symbol, another life experience, a truism and a (tedious) cliché. He is no longer omni-present and the person entertains no delusions as to the one-sided and abusive nature of the relationship or as to the possibility and desirability of its renewal.

2010, again, you speak the plain truth.  Thank you. CS
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