Finally Disengaging (because I have to)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

I have posted on this board before and am now here again.  To be honest I was hoping to stay on the staying board but here I am.  I have received such support, love and top notch advice from the folks on staying but was hoping to get your perspective since we are all going through this phase together.

In a nutshell:

May-

1) found out my exuBPD/NPDbf of two year had been cheating on me for months with a much older woman who had no idea I existed

2) when he knew I spoke with the other woman (of course he denied) he broke up with me, kicked me out of his house via email

We had NC then LC and were kinda 'working on things', things were looking very up in July... .

August-

1) I took him to NYC for a first class trip for his b-day, we had a great time

2) I communicated my boundary to him that I would not be in a relationship with someone who was seeing other women, of course he took this as an ultimatum.  After I shared this with him his actions in NYC spoke that we were back together (we were physical, planned holidays, etc).

3) Upon returning from NYC he sent me a txt 'based on NYC I want time apart from you' 

4) I gave him time apart and went NC

5) I broke NC 3 weeks into it and sent him a link to the photos of NYC, he responded with a nice note and sending me his fave pic of me.  I didn't respond and continued NC

6) This Sat I broke NC again and sent him a photo of our dog, he replied "cute, what do you want me to do with the things you left at the house, box them up, donate them, throw them out?  I am having ppl visit and need that cleaned up"

7) I asked if he would keep until Oct as I was still living in week to week rentals and asked if he would like to have coffee so I could get my mail, he replied yes

8) He didn't contact me for coffee, kinda playing games so I made arrangements to pick up my things yesterday

9) He replied you can come at 10 am be done by 11, I said sure I have a helper (his bf wife who was a friend of his as well, known each other for 15 years).  He wanted to know who was helping etc.  My comments were brief to him

10) Late last night he txtd saying today was not convenient for him, too short notice, Friday aft, Sat, Sun would work

11) I wrote back ok, i'm leaving on holiday Friday we will have to make arrangements - sound good? he is yet to reply

12) He also deleted from FB his bf's wife this afternoon?

From the beginning of his affair coming out he has black listed anyone in his life (regardless of tenure) from his life because "they have no right getting into my business".

To me this is confusing as it was all good in NYC?  I know he has been the meanest person on the face of the planet to me and I should have left back in May, but I gave it a second shot and am paying the consequences.

Any thoughts on this, why he is doing what he is doing?

[lets]

Hi everyone,

I have posted on this board before and am now here again.  To be honest I was hoping to stay on the staying board but here I am.  I have received such support, love and top notch advice from the folks on staying but was hoping to get your perspective since we are all going through this phase together.

In a nutshell:

May-

1) found out my exuBPD/NPDbf of two year had been cheating on me for months with a much older woman who had no idea I existed

2) when he knew I spoke with the other woman (of course he denied) he broke up with me, kicked me out of his house via email

We had NC then LC and were kinda 'working on things', things were looking very up in July... .

August-

1) I took him to NYC for a first class trip for his b-day, we had a great time

2) I communicated my boundary to him that I would not be in a relationship with someone who was seeing other women, of course he took this as an ultimatum.  After I shared this with him his actions in NYC spoke that we were back together (we were physical, planned holidays, etc).

3) Upon returning from NYC he sent me a txt 'based on NYC I want time apart from you' 

4) I gave him time apart and went NC

5) I broke NC 3 weeks into it and sent him a link to the photos of NYC, he responded with a nice note and sending me his fave pic of me.  I didn't respond and continued NC

6) This Sat I broke NC again and sent him a photo of our dog, he replied "cute, what do you want me to do with the things you left at the house, box them up, donate them, throw them out?  I am having ppl visit and need that cleaned up"

7) I asked if he would keep until Oct as I was still living in week to week rentals and asked if he would like to have coffee so I could get my mail, he replied yes

8) He didn't contact me for coffee, kinda playing games so I made arrangements to pick up my things yesterday

9) He replied you can come at 10 am be done by 11, I said sure I have a helper (his bf wife who was a friend of his as well, known each other for 15 years).  He wanted to know who was helping etc.  My comments were brief to him

10) Late last night he txtd saying today was not convenient for him, too short notice, Friday aft, Sat, Sun would work

11) I wrote back ok, i'm leaving on holiday Friday we will have to make arrangements - sound good? he is yet to reply

12) He also deleted from FB his bf's wife this afternoon?

From the beginning of his affair coming out he has black listed anyone in his life (regardless of tenure) from his life because "they have no right getting into my business".

To me this is confusing as it was all good in NYC?  I know he has been the meanest person on the face of the planet to me and I should have left back in May, but I gave it a second shot and am paying the consequences.

Any thoughts on this, why he is doing what he is doing?

[Bubblegum]

Any thoughts on this, why he is doing what he is doing?

Because its who he is, and because you are allowing him to.

  Just know that you dont deserve this treatment and deserve so much more.

[2010]

Any thoughts on this, why he is doing what he is doing?

Sure. But let me preface that by saying I'm just as confused as he is by what *you* are doing.

May-

1) found out my exuBPD/NPDbf of two year had been cheating on me for months with a much older woman who had no idea I existed

2) when he knew I spoke with the other woman (of course he denied) he broke up with me, kicked me out of his house via email

OK. Traumatic. Very traumatic. Not the kind of person you'd want to be involved with for the rest of your life. You should have allot of anger to get through. Something about the "much older" woman seems to be like bargaining... .(Bargaining that you are younger and are the better choice for him.)  Perhaps that is what motivated the NYC trip- to show him what he's missing. This is fantasy speaking, not reality. She's there and he's there with her.  Obviously, age has nothing to do with his choice- although it might be a reason for hers.

August-

1) I took him to NYC for a first class trip for his b-day, we had a great time

You "took" him? What were you trying to do? Bargaining again.

I communicated my boundary to him that I would not be in a relationship with someone who was seeing other women, of course he took this as an ultimatum.

Wasn't it? Wasn't it an ultimatum? I'm now confused. Are you saying that it was a false threat? Even if he agreed to this- when someone else is in the picture- how will you know- how will you keep them away? Will you fight her for his attention? If that's the case, you'll need to take him on many more trips.

4) I gave him time apart and went NC

He doesn't need time. This is bargaining again. Are you hoping that given time, he goes back to her and gets it out of his system? - then comes back to you?  If that's the case, then all that's left is for you to do is wait, right? That seems rather sacrificial, not to mention debilitating. The wait might kill you- if you only spend your time waiting- that's a waste.

I broke NC 3 weeks into it and sent him a link to the photos of NYC, he responded with a nice note and sending me his fave pic of me.  I didn't respond and continued NC

Well, so much for waiting. The photos were to remind him of your generosity in NYC and that you are still waiting?

This Sat I broke NC again and sent him a photo of our dog, he replied "cute, what do you want me to do with the things you left at the house, box them up, donate them, throw them out?  I am having ppl visit and need that cleaned up"

I asked if he would keep until Oct as I was still living in week to week rentals and asked if he would like to have coffee so I could get my mail, he replied yes. He didn't contact me for coffee, kinda playing games.

He's given you an ultimatum. Why did you brush him off until October? Are you bargaining that he'll change his mind and let you move back in?

Make arrangements to find a storage space for your things. Do not wait until Oct.  If you do wait, you may lose your belongings. Do not bargain with your responsibility for your own things. They are yours, not his. He doesn't care about them- he wants them out of his house. Go get them when he says - do not go on holiday- do not change the date or ask him to hold onto them. Get your things.

To me this is confusing as it was all good in NYC?

It was good for YOU in NYC. He still had her waiting in the wings. You told him that you will not share him with another woman. Keep your word. Take your word and Set the boundary line.  It is his loss. You cannot over-analyze his relationship with her to your benefit. It is what it is. Accept it and let go.

[lets]

Thanks for your comments,

IMO

He has been leading me on.  The woman he had the affair with dropped him as soon as she found out about me.  We had been working on rekindling, his trigger point is and has always been when I ask about other women.

As a result of the affair and my weakness with boundaries in the past I decided that my boundary for me would be "I would not be in a relationship with other women involved"  it has nothing to do with him.  If he (or any other man)  chooses to be with me, my boundary would be the same.

We went to NYC as a rekindle trip, I paid yes because it was his birthday.  We did rekindle in NYC, discussed everything.  I triggered him by bringing up my boundary at the end of the trip.  Are my insecurities peaked absolutely!

I tried to get my things, we agreed on a time and he backed out.  I initiated contact again requesting for another time and those 2 txts have gone unanswered.

Did I think we could work things out- the answer is yes.  My intent was not to bargain with him.  Did I want to remind him how great our life was in the past and could be absolutely.  A large part of our relationship had been our love of travel.  Did I feel I was in competition with other women, absolutely.

Am I waiting, yes, do I want him to respect my boundary, yes.  Unfortunately that is not my choice.

[lets]

I finally received a response via txt-

HIM-lets, just one day notice during a work day just wasnt convenient.  I have been putting up with your things for months I want them out.

HIM-I don't know my schedule yet for that week (I told him I would be back 9/20) but we will get a time if you are flexible.

ME-I understand how you feel that way and appreciate you housing my things while i got my life together i truly want us to be amicable i do lu.

HIM-Well I have been doing you a favor so I don't appreciate the attitude.

ME- Yes you have and I appreciate it.  I do think we should get together for coffee and talk and end amicably.

HIM- If you sling out anymore attitude i am going to drop off your things at goodwill and get on with my life.

I truly can't get my things today- what should i reply?

Now some may wonder why I haven't gotten my things (he threw me out of our home that he owns), I moved countries for him, started a business and truly had to scramble for a place to live and we were jointly working on rekindling and our relationship between May and August had been very amicable.  He was ok with me having my things there.

[TonyC]

send someone... .

how much stuff?

[lets]

He has set me up in a catch 22-

His first txt- 1 day notice not enough (even though he agreed to it)

Now if I txt him and give him an hours notice, I think he will get even worse.

3 tvs, dresser pretty much all my clothes, jewellery that kind of stuff...

[TonyC]

whats the chances of delaying your trip a day?

he told you fri  would be good... .

[lets]

i wish i could, but everything is paid for- sadly at this point I have been living out of my suitcase for months so if he tosses the stuff it will just give me more fodder to dislike him.

i just feel numb

[TonyC]

you need to get your stuff out... .somehow some way... .

how are you going to enjoy anything wondering... .if your stuff is on the curb...

well he said friday was good... .today is friday

grab your g.f and go there...

[lets]

i really can't I'm at work, meetings and deliverables all day and I fly out at 5:30. 

I just don't get the change in him?  Before I pushed getting my things out I had until mid Oct.

This guy has literally put me through hell and back and I guess the realization I'm having through this journey is I allowed it!

[TonyC]

probably the realazation... that this wasnt another idle threat of you leaving... twisted him up...

so your are painted black... .

[lets]

Tony, this stuff is just so confusing! 

He initiated my leave and when I took him up on it- all heck breaks loose!

Thank you for your support, you are a life saver!

[Sodone]

ME- Yes you have and I appreciate it.  I do think we should get together for coffee and talk and end amicably.

HIM- If you sling out anymore attitude i am going to drop off your things at goodwill and get on with my life.

If you think that by meeting for coffee you will get closure on this whole deal, you are setting yourself up for a fall.  IF he decides to go, it will be to tell you how "everything is your fault".  I think you may want to analyze why you would give a person like this, who treats you like crap, the time of day, let alone wasting an hour having coffee with him.  You don't get closure from BPD relationships.  You run like hell and go NC and get on with your life.

[lets]

Thanks you SOdone!

My problem that I am uncovering through my T is that for him I have far too high a degree of empathy.  I have struggled since learning what BPD is with 'leaving him to drown'.  I know what the problem is (or am quite certain) and can't help.  Hence the downslide on my boundaries etc etc.

I think I may struggle with that for a long time.

[Hazelnut]

Interesting how it's "so inconvenient" for him to let you in to grab your stuff, but he has all the time in the world to lug 3 tvs and a dresser to the Goodwill... .

When he said "What should I do with your stuff, box it up, throw it out... .?" could you have said, "Yes, box it up and leave on the doorstep (in the garage, whatever) and I'll pick it up"?

You two had a genuine relationship, you lived together, and he's acting like it's some HUGE deal that your stuff's there... .he let it into his house... .if he hated it so much, he would have tossed it out by now.

You're not the bad guy for having lived there and for owning things!

[lets]

Well I was sucker punched today... he goated me and I fell for it-

Please see txt trail:

Him-I miss the cool and fun LETS, this other mean, cheap, controlling, promise breaking LETS i wish would move to CITY FAR AWAY.

Him-I am happy, come to think of it what did CITY FAR AWAY do to deserve that B&*tch moving there.

Me- You could always be happier with someone your own age and without children (he cheated on my with a much older women with kids)

Him- That's exactly the type of energy I will be blocking from you.  So sorry you've been blocked.


Ugghhh he is playing such games and I fell into his trap...

[lets]

Uggh,

He txts today:

I'm still buddies with OUR DOG, but don't you forget you are blocked!

WTH?

[seektruth]

lets,

His texts are as good as if they literally read, "Blah, blah, blah" because his words do not mean a thing, nothing!  Obviously he is trying to reengage you by sending that last text... .it worked a few days ago so he figured it will probably work again.  You need to get your belongings out of there ASAP.  You can probably see if the police will escort you to his place and do a civil standby while you get your belongings.  If you are serious in your decision of disengaging then you need to do what you need to do and not wait for a time when it's convenient or agreeable to him because he will always find an excuse b/c it is what is keeping you strung along.  Your belongings are basically a leveraging tool for him... .and he knows it.  In the meantime, I would strongly suggest that YOU BLOCK HIM... .block his number from your phone, change your email settings so that any messages from him go to spam. There really isn't anything you need to hear him say at this point... .he has shown you exactly who he is already.   x

[Disgruntled]

Hi Lets,

I have been following you since you were on the undecided board.  It sounds like you are pulling off the band-aid... .just very slowly so you are feeling every hair being pulled out.  I did the same thing.  However, I am now coming up on the 5th weekend without her and I recieved a text message from her last night (first one in a week) and I have been strong enough not to respond.  Your ex is just saying things to keep you engaged, as long as you engage him, he is winning because you are allowing him to get in your mind and play games. 

I had a hard problem letting go of all of the drama because it was a major part of my life for the last year.  I think I was as addicted to the drama as I was to her.  Now that the drama is gone, I feel my self-esteem coming back, I am thinking more clearly and I can actually go a few hours without thinking about her.  It gets easier... .you just have to pull the band-aid off.

[lets]

Thank You Seek Truth, you are correct  in this

If you are serious in your decision of disengaging then you need to do what you need to do and not wait for a time when it's convenient or agreeable to him because he will always find an excuse b/c it is what is keeping you strung along.  Your belongings are basically a leveraging tool for him... .and he knows it.

   

I txtd him yesterday asking for a time to pick up my things this week- he did not reply... .

Disgruntled, you as well are correct- that bandaid is coming off slower than I imagined.  I believe once I have my things I will be much better.  I appreciate your advice, and following this drama for the last few months- it means alot just reading that 

I'm driving cross country and have had plenty of time to think, each day I get stronger.


On a side note: the woman that he wanted space 'apart from me" for- is no longer his friend on FB- guess that honeymoon is over... .