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Author Topic: Ex-wife and her rebound marriage  (Read 6957 times)
jaykay007

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« on: October 20, 2010, 11:59:00 PM »

How sick must my BPD ex-wife be to be engaged in a month after our divorce and the same amount of time been seeing him? Rebound Marriage, right? These things don’t last... .do they? It’s just cruel!
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Misfit225
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« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2010, 02:11:19 AM »

That sucks, how long were you married to her?
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jaykay007

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« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2010, 02:40:31 AM »

Was married for 3 years
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Blythe1976
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Relationship status: Separated from BPDh on August 14, 2010, then re-engaged for a few weeks after that, and finally left for good on September 11. Just trying to get by hour by hour, day by day...
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« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2010, 03:04:57 AM »

jaykay, I hear ya. The key word being "sick"—that's BPD for you. My BPDh had a new girl TWO DAYS after I left him (although emotionally, he left ME long before that... .it was just a matter of me physically removing myself from his sphere at that point). They can't STAND to be alone. Being alone might force them to look at themselves and ponder all the destruction they cause and the lives they ruin (including their own), so it's commonplace for a pwBPD to line up a new victim/host the second one relationship ends.

Most likely, this new guy got hooked by the same devices she used on you in the beginning... .just give it time. He'll be in your shoes eventually.

I know it hurts... .the one thing I can say to soothe myself over being used and then discarded like a dirty napkin is, "Well, he's someone else's problem now." Take solace in that. This new guy of hers has no idea what he's in for.
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Misfit225
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« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2010, 03:11:23 AM »

Sorry to hear that. My ex has shacked up with her new S&M partner. I have been flipping out because I worry that this guy or girl knows that she is sick and that is why they picked her, in order to take advantage of her... .but then I also think about the living hell she has put my family through and think maybe it is for the best that she get a taste of her own medicine. God that sounds very bitter of me.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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ex_bf_worried
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« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2010, 04:55:59 AM »

Leave it alone bud. I've listened to my friends on this forum. I'm in a similar situation, mine exBPDgf is getting married next year. We've only broken up a few months. It hurts I know, it feels like you are worth nothing, but that isn't true. It is best to move on, I am in the process of doing that now. As bad as I feel I know I don't have to constantly think about if she is getting into trouble. That's his responsibility now.
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have gone nc
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« Reply #6 on: October 21, 2010, 06:11:31 PM »

I think the hardest part about all this, is that we convince ourselves that they will be totally different with there next partner. I have to confess i went through exactly the same thing but think about it seriously... .

Leaving a relationship and waking up the next day and not being borderline is less likely to happen than someone riding to the moon on a bike!

I am what i am... .You are what you are... .and they are what they are!

My ex said to me when we split " i guess i have to go back to my 6 month relationships"... .i so wanted to say " then you should have let me help you get therapy " ( which i offered to pay for and everything ).

But ultimately thats her choice, she will end up like her mum, alone with cats everywhere, and i have to accept that that is HER CHOICE, not mine.

And even now after what i read my chance of helping was about 1% anyway so they are odds i don't want to take.

Its the equivelant of banging your head against the wall everyday until in the end you get bored and ask someone to take over and smash their head instead... .then they will ask someone who will ask someone etc etc... .you get the picture

I quite like my head and dont fancy smashing it anymore!

Don't get me wrong, i am 100% head over heels in love with my ex, and will be for a long time... .but no more smashing!

5 MONTHS OUT and had ups and downs, but it is getting easier Smiling (click to insert in post)
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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #7 on: October 21, 2010, 06:22:36 PM »

With my upcoming divorce... .and I say this because I am trying to learn to put myself first... .I would welcome uBPDw to remarry in a month. After 23 years of marriage my upcoming "spousal maintenance" will be steep, and it will take her marrying to terminate it (or many years).
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ex_bf_worried
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« Reply #8 on: October 21, 2010, 06:36:03 PM »

I think the hardest part about all this, is that we convince ourselves that they will be totally different with there next partner. I have to confess i went through exactly the same thing but think about it seriously... .

Leaving a relationship and waking up the next day and not being borderline is less likely to happen than someone riding to the moon on a bike!

I am what i am... .You are what you are... .and they are what they are!

My ex said to me when we split " i guess i have to go back to my 6 month relationships"... .i so wanted to say " then you should have let me help you get therapy " ( which i offered to pay for and everything ).

But ultimately thats her choice, she will end up like her mum, alone with cats everywhere, and i have to accept that that is HER CHOICE, not mine.

And even now after what i read my chance of helping was about 1% anyway so they are odds i don't want to take.

Its the equivelant of banging your head against the wall everyday until in the end you get bored and ask someone to take over and smash their head instead... .then they will ask someone who will ask someone etc etc... .you get the picture

I quite like my head and dont fancy smashing it anymore!

Don't get me wrong, i am 100% head over heels in love with my ex, and will be for a long time... .but no more smashing!

5 MONTHS OUT and had ups and downs, but it is getting easier Smiling (click to insert in post)

This is my main problem, thinking that everything will be all happy ,cheery and fuzzy now. Especiallly after seeing her on fbook smiling really pretty with him. The logical part of me is telling me that it wont work out, the same will happen in your situation, what cannot change in 13 years can't be changed in one relationship.
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have gone nc
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« Reply #9 on: October 21, 2010, 06:56:35 PM »

If the whole world of therapists and councellours still cant fix this problem, what makes you think this guy can? is he superman?... .My ex has run to a guy who is an arrogant selfish rude ar****le and is well known for it... .hey, if that makes her happy then who am i to argue! ha ha But the bottom line is i know she isnt, never has been, never will be... .

just read the stories of re engagements, suicides etc, and then tell me if these people sound happier with their " new toys "... .maybe for 2 months max... .then the games commence and the head banging starts! guaranteed!

you on the other hand... .thats a different story... .your not BPD!

People with BPD have no self, they have to attach, but to attach is what triggers them to act out, so they are in a no win situation... .we was... .but now the next guy is!


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gutzgutz
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« Reply #10 on: October 22, 2010, 05:48:49 AM »

People with BPD have no self, they have to attach, but to attach is what triggers them to act out, so they are in a no win situation... .we was... .but now the next guy is!

This is interesting. No self. This would explain why my ex had to find somebody else before he let me go and why he is so desperate (he admits it) to find somebody else. He has written on match.com that he is looking for the somebody special missing in his life, though he sees another woman at the moment who seems to be similar to him, she is still married and sees other guys, too. They are in an on and off mode.  He has to attach! He admitted that he cannot be on his own/alone. He is scared rigid of it. He also had told me that he cannot be together with me anymore because I remind him of his bad conscience. He has to cut me off, because I remind him of what he had done to me (?).
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jaykay007

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« Reply #11 on: October 22, 2010, 02:33:12 PM »

Why does she make it so openly for me to notice her engagement? This is torture to me. I try to ignore but it is like she makes sure I notice about her love life and that is why I asked my original question.

I picked up her car a week ago (she signed it back over to me because it broke and she cant afford to buy or repair it - conditions in our divorce agreement). I use to support her anti-depression pills, expensive anti-pregnancy pills and a whole bunch of diet supplements, now she cant afford it so she simply dropped all, including the anti-depressants which is not a good idea right, especially 20mg Lexamil.

I saw her for the 1st time in a month... she gained a tremendous amount of weight, dirty hear, old ripped cloths, living in a bad/cheap neighborhood, really looking bad, sad, depressed and poor and not the wife I use to have. She owns designer clothing, why look like this? I don't know if she purposely trying to show me how she suffers financially. It looks like it. I didn't force her to sign the car back to me, she did it on her own but the moment I had it hooked up she shouted to me "Are you happy now, you have taken everything from me!" and ran into her flat slamming the door so hard, it sounded like a explosion. I had to go after her to fetch the spare keys. I knocked, she opened, crying and complaining the washing machine is broken. I just took the keys and left.

Listen, yea, I left her with nothing... that's what she gets for cheating on me numerous times and I have one of the best lawyers in town to where she had no one representing her and she just signed all the divorce documents without reading or contesting.

Anyway, it was her choice to leave me, was not my decision... .I initiated the divorce to get it over with. She wanted to stay separated till end of the year but I was not game for that just so she can legally screw around while married to me.
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gutzgutz
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« Reply #12 on: October 22, 2010, 02:46:31 PM »

Excerpt
Why does she make it so openly for me to notice her engagement?

i can only guess, but thinking about my ex he would have done it 1) to teach me a lesson (?), 2) because he has got some sadistic streaks 3) to show me that he does not need me and I am not somebody special 4) to show me that he found somebody before I did (he is competitive) ... .

Further points to be filled in by whoever feels like doing so.
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jaykay007

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« Reply #13 on: October 22, 2010, 02:48:18 PM »

It is rare from where I am from that Alimony is awarded unless the spouse can prove that they are incapable of earning a living as they have been a house-spouse/parent since the inception of the marriage and have no visible means of support.

Alimony is usually agreed by the couple for a set period and taken into account with the settlement agreement.

She did not bother, once through the court, its all over and no more negotiating.
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goldenblunder
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart, working on the divorce
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« Reply #14 on: October 22, 2010, 03:00:21 PM »

The only thing stopping my wife from getting married is that we haven't gotten our divorce done yet.  And neither has he (yep, new guy is married, too).  They basically moved in together right away and I fully expect that they will get married as soon as they get their divorces.  I'm prepared for that, I think.
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pharaoh451
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« Reply #15 on: October 22, 2010, 03:19:00 PM »

Walrus Gumboot (do you have feet ... .down... .below your knees?), you are right that it would be good for your ex to remarry quickly from a legal and financial staNPDoint. The sad thing for many of us is that we did not end our relationships with the BPD SO in our lives because we suddenly (or even gradually) stopped loving them or being infatuated with them or wanting them physically/emotionally. It is because they are, in so many ways, UNREACHABLE and IMPOSSIBLE people. They make life with them unnecessarily chaotic and while that contributes to excitement in the daily life, the home is paved with eggshells and it is unnecessarily stressful for us who love them and who can't reach into their hearts to bring them around. I am with many of you in still harboring significant love for my ex but knowing she is incapable of a healthy relationship unless and until she spends years in DBT and learns to put another person's needs first, or at least on an equal footing.
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ex_bf_worried
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« Reply #16 on: October 22, 2010, 04:26:06 PM »

As I stated before my logical brain says that my exBPDgf and her new fiance won't work out. However until I see that happen I won't get any closure. I feel as though new guy is doing more than I did and will get the rewards of that sweet young lady I first met. Funny thing is I have lots of women friends who want a r/s with me but I can't seem to move on. I assume many of us here are like that.
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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #17 on: October 23, 2010, 08:31:13 PM »

Walrus Gumboot (do you have feet ... .down... .below your knees?), you are right that it would be good for your ex to remarry quickly from a legal and financial staNPDoint. The sad thing for many of us is that we did not end our relationships with the BPD SO in our lives because we suddenly (or even gradually) stopped loving them or being infatuated with them or wanting them physically/emotionally. It is because they are, in so many ways, UNREACHABLE and IMPOSSIBLE people. They make life with them unnecessarily chaotic and while that contributes to excitement in the daily life, the home is paved with eggshells and it is unnecessarily stressful for us who love them and who can't reach into their hearts to bring them around. I am with many of you in still harboring significant love for my ex but knowing she is incapable of a healthy relationship unless and until she spends years in DBT and learns to put another person's needs first, or at least on an equal footing.

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) I have to laugh when a bro or a sis recognizes the song  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

She has said everything right to keep me interested in her. "You are the most stable person I have met in my life", "You are my best friend", "You are yakkity-yak-yak-yak". On the other hand, she is "excited" about her upcoming single life, but yet "frightened". In other words, she is excited that she might find somebody to dote on her 24/7 with lots of money, but frightened it might not happen, so wants to keep me close in case she needs a dose of sex or money. (Sorry to be so blunt, but the writing is on the wall).


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gutzgutz
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« Reply #18 on: October 24, 2010, 08:15:36 AM »

Walrus

Excerpt
She has said everything right to keep me interested in her. "You are the most stable person I have met in my life", "You are my best friend",

My ex had said during the last months of our relationship: I know you were the best thing that had ever happened to me. You are mentally so stable and together. You are my best friend. (ditto). You are beautiful and intelligent and emotionally healthy (not at the moment, I can assure you!)... .

And then he not only had seen this other woman (with her issues and her manipulation) and told her that he had done anything to get rid of my photos from his Iphone (she had complained that there were too many photos of me), but he also had put himself onto match.com with the little ad that he was looking for the someone special missing in his life. Yuck.

All the while having kept me as backup girl (after 13 years of having lived together as couple!) and me not knowing that I had backup girl status and I had to go if anything more exciting was coming up.

He needs distraction, gets easily bored and wants excitement. Can't get it by doing good and interesting projects and things, no his excitement has to come from a sexual conquest - the chase - the new- ...

A bit like your wife with her fear that she might not find somebody with more money and assets, he had been scared that nobody else other than me (what does that say about him and his self-worth) would have been interested in him. It helps a bit that he had stated on match how solvent he is and what high powered job he has got. HA. Gumboot, I can understand that you feel used and perhaps a bit cynical. I do.

I am also very hurt!

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Watchfreek
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« Reply #19 on: January 05, 2016, 09:27:59 AM »

i was married for 13 years have 5 kids and was madly in love with my ex wife. We had the most costly and expensive divorce together almost 400k.

Bottom line I got remarried to a young a NORMAL beautiful women and am very very happy. The only issue I have is she is to normal and missing the crazy fun and unpredictable life which I am really starting to get used to and like. My ex wife right after I got married started dating this man 13 years older then her and was depressed and dealt with it using him as a supportive hand. They have been screwing their brains out and he tells all his friends she is AMAZING in bed. Which is true BPD women are crazy in bed they do anything and everything and and trying to achieve relief from a massive orgasm. This has caused them now to marry. I look at the photos of them together and everyone telling me look how happy she looks and thank god she put herself back together and she is normal BLAH BLAH BLAH... .

What makes me so upset is I just wanted her my whole marriage to be happy and function now she is doing it for this new loser? and it makes us survivors of the BPD wife so hurt and feeling used and not good. SO now people that don't understand the BPD women are willing top look away all the damage and hurt she has caused me and the family and give her a fresh start. But people in the inner circles are all telling me it is FAKE and will fall apart.

My hardest part is I am waiting for the problems and issues to arise since she is a SOLID 10/10 (meaning she has each and every symptoms)BPD and impossible to deal with and this guy has serious issues (I believe Mild Depression or Narcissist) but I don't know him just from other people talking.

So anyone with similar story or experience with this BPD remarriage? does it fall apart? or is it possible some men can deal with it better? and how long did you see the next marriage take till the issues and fighting was out of control?

I also have children that we share and I am ready to take them full time now and I don't want to start the battle now until the issues start arises otherwise everyone including the court system will feel it is total revenge but I know it will happen so why not start the battle now?

Please advise?

Thank you

A happy man with a beautiful new wife and life but still deep old wounds that need to heel

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Pretty Woman
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« Reply #20 on: January 05, 2016, 01:56:10 PM »

We need to remember this... .even if we weren't "the one" for our exes their lack of empathy kills EVERY relationship they enter into.

My ex would go from loving me to devalue, discard, replace and while with replacement I was deemed a threat. She literally feared for her life.

As soon as she devalued the replacement I was the best thing ever... .even though two months earlier she threatened a restraining order.

BPD or not she was cray cray.

If she was crazy with you, likely she was crazy period. That doesn't just change overnight.
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cd_ex

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« Reply #21 on: February 22, 2020, 05:19:52 AM »


i can only guess, but thinking about my ex he would have done it 1) to teach me a lesson (?), 2) because he has got some sadistic streaks 3) to show me that he does not need me and I am not somebody special 4) to show me that he found somebody before I did (he is competitive) ... .

Further points to be filled in by whoever feels like doing so.


I think my ex is posting about it all over social media to gain the affection and admiration of a new relationship... she ALWAYS goes to social media when she needs confirmation of something from her 21k followers. People she doesn't even know, but it gives her a sense of self since she lacks her own. I've learned that most of the time, regardless of what it feels like, it's not about us... it's about them desperately trying to gain validation

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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #22 on: March 02, 2020, 06:18:15 AM »

They almost always either have someone waiting in the wings or are with that person behind your back already. They cannot deal with being alone. They need that constant approval and validation. The victim searching for new rescuers.
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