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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Did your exBPD have strange thoughts on love?  (Read 7856 times)
bluelotus9
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« Reply #60 on: November 03, 2010, 05:04:56 PM »

This is funny now - the excuse my ex gave me about not sending me an invitation to her 50th birthday party because she wasn't sure we would still be together by then (it was only w month in the future at the time!)

Like has been posted, my ex told me she was impulsive, 'what was real for me is real at the time' and when I said to her - if she was having an affair behind my back that would mean the end of us & no further contact - the look of guilt in her eyes told me everything.

I agree with others here that the honeymoon phase is all that matters to them - that's what they mistake for love... .
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #61 on: November 03, 2010, 07:34:27 PM »

Yes, they really think being in love is the honeymoon stage. Once that is over, they might let it drag on like mine did, then recycle, then drag on, etc. Finally she left. She will keep doing this the rest of her life, looking for that honeymoon stage over and over again with various men.
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O'Maria
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« Reply #62 on: November 04, 2010, 06:53:01 AM »

Compared to other partners, my BPD bf was EXTREMELY excited when we met and was ready to plan for the future. He said he loved me only a month after we met, he gave me the key to his place and wanted me to move in. After 2 months he suggested we get married!

I have never seen anybody move that fast (I now know its a huge RED FLAG). Later I learned that he was used to moving fast, he got engaged with his ex one month after they met.

It is a strange type of love.
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Fruit Loop
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« Reply #63 on: November 04, 2010, 09:07:06 AM »

Yes, the Honeymoon, that's what they live for. The first 4-5 months I was the happiest I had ever been.  It did seem too good to be true and I was worried about what would happen when the infatuation phase started to wear off for her.  I remember saying to my exgf that I couldn't wait for the next phase of our relationship to see where we were going. She said, "why can't it be like this forever, I really think it can".  Now that I caught her obssessivly texting another man, I know she is in the infatuation stage again and thinks she found her new "Knight in Shining Armor" and there is no sense in me trying to convince her otherwise.  Her emotional connection to me has been severed and I can't do a thing about it. 

I don't know how I would have survived the last 2.5 years of this relationship without BPD Family.  I would never have been able to make any sense of what was going on with her.  As bad as I feel, at I least I know it's not all me. I feel so bad for people that are dealing with breakups with BPD's and know nothing of BPD. 
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #64 on: November 04, 2010, 09:12:45 AM »

Yes, the Honeymoon, that's what they live for. The first 4-5 months I was the happiest I had ever been.  It did seem too good to be true and I was worried about what would happen when the infatuation phase started to wear off for her.  I remember saying to my exgf that I couldn't wait for the next phase of our relationship to see where we were going. She said, "why can't it be like this forever, I really think it can".  Now that I caught her obssessivly texting another man, I know she is in the infatuation stage again and thinks she found her new "Knight in Shining Armor" and there is no sense in me trying to convince her otherwise.  Her emotional connection to me has been severed and I can't do a thing about it. 

I don't know how I would have survived the last 2.5 years of this relationship without BPD Family.  I would never have been able to make any sense of what was going on with her.  As bad as I feel, at I least I know it's not all me. I feel so bad for people that are dealing with breakups with BPD's and know nothing of BPD. 

Sorry to hear of this. Yep, same here. She wanted this honeymoon stage to last forever. Mine had her married boss there whenever she needed him so I have no idea if the cheating went on now and then, just when she got depressed or all the time. She still denies it but ran off with him right after our breakup. He was in the wings. She called him the same day. The new rescuer. Well, in his case, the old rescuer who is there again.

They go through life using MANY rescuers for different needs. They won't change.
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deceived

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« Reply #65 on: November 04, 2010, 10:39:41 AM »

Mine ran to the boyfriend waiting in the wings the minute we seperated so she could be rescued from the horrible husband. The cheating had been going on for months prior to that. According to her I wasn't filling her emotional needs so that's why she needed him.

As far as love goes, they have no idea what the word means. But to them, love is about everyone around them filling the emotional bottomless pit of selfish need that every borderline has. Make an attempt to stop filling the pit of need, or assert needs of your own, and you'll be thrown to the wolves faster than you can blink an eye.
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Benny
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« Reply #66 on: November 04, 2010, 02:28:52 PM »

My ex told me last Saturday that she has always found love to be a destructive emotion so she just doesnt go there,if she does start to have feelings for a man and him for her she destroys it because to allow that to happen means ,for her,that too much is expected and she simply cant deliver.

She prefers to have several FWB's.
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bluelotus9
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« Reply #67 on: November 04, 2010, 03:48:19 PM »

'Too much is expected & can't deliver'... .

Very familiar lines. Very frustrating. I made a very very stupid mistake at the beginning of my interaction with my BPDexgf that I constantly kick myself about now.

I'd just started seeing a nice girl and we were moving at what I now realise is a normal stately pace. I went to the works Xmas party, 2 years ago & was targeted by the BPDex., bowled over with the intensity of her undivided attention & received a text from her the following morning 'did last night really happen'  (though we didn't sleep together)Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) . Why oh why didn't I delete the text, forget about about her & resume my proper r/s with Ji**?

Arghhhh! Still I now know to be very very wary in the future... .hard lesson & I blame myself... .
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O'Maria
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« Reply #68 on: November 04, 2010, 07:17:40 PM »

Benny,

Love is destructive and needs to be destroyed? So we should all be mechanic robots?

I remember my ex used to say he can detect every lack of emotion by looking at my face, and he demanded 100% affection 24/7 or he thought we were drifting apart.

These people confuse me. I guess they don't understand the concept of love.
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innerspirit
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« Reply #69 on: November 04, 2010, 10:50:04 PM »

if she does start to have feelings for a man and him for her she destroys it because to allow that to happen means ,for her,that too much is expected and she simply cant deliver.

She prefers to have several FWB's.

Seems remarkably honest introspection about the sabotage.  The grass is sort of greener in that way -- in a way I wish I had heard that kind of self-awareness from my X.

But it must be frustrating if she has the awareness yet continues the pattern.  Well, frustrating I guess would be the word if you'd continued to be close to her, just pretty pathetic while keeping your distance.
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Benny
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« Reply #70 on: November 05, 2010, 12:07:33 AM »

Hi IS

Yes, it is pathetic and sad but she chooses that path in life. I know that she is disordered and deeply so but I also know that a lot of what she does is deliberate,calculated and manipulative.

She is very controlled in a lot of ways,very aware of her problems but has become use to living that way so keeps living that way,its what she knows.

I think as she gets older these behaviors will intensify as she becomes more desperate because her looks are fading from the normal ageing process and heavy drinking and men are not as readily interested as in the past.

I hope she doesnt get hurt by going  home with the wrong one some night.
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2010
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« Reply #71 on: November 05, 2010, 03:38:18 AM »

this was sporadically paired with very odd emails where she would describe a person, supposedly me, in an idolatrous way, as if I were the hero in a cheap novel based loosely on my life. It was as if she were more interested in the feeling she derived from this image of me than in what we were actually doing together at the moment.

She often would ask me about the nature of love, and my love for her, which never went well. I'd explain how an initial infatuation and excitement over some months would stabilize into a steady commitment of mutual respect, trust, and desire, with less extreme feelings. This appeared to fluster her, as she apparently needed her infatuation and obsession to last forever or it would never work. Her barometer of a relationship was whether she saw herself getting married to whomever she was with; it was over when she lost that "vision." I got the impression she wanted to marry me within about a month, held it about six months longer, and then dumped me within a few weeks of its dissipation.

Her own idea of love was best revealed in an animated rant a few days before she broke up with me (apparently for "not loving me enough". We had both read Lolita recently on her urging, which I thought odd because she often insisted that she never reads any classic fiction. I told her about how disturbing a portrait of obsession the book reveals, and how destructive and selfish the narrator is in his pursuit of a feckless little girl. But before I could finish, exgf launched into her view that the book perfectly captured the essence of "love." It was clear to me that she identified with the narrator, which horrified me.

Putting aside the nauseating immorality of the Lolita story, clearly for her love was about the possession and manipulation of a mindless object, like Lolita, that was nonetheless difficult to pursue.

So maybe BPD love is more like a fetish?

Procrustes, Welcome to the forum. Yours is one of the most perceptive and insightful posts I've read describing how Borderline's think.  Is it a fetish? You may be on to something with that question. In the same way a woman may long for high heels, or a Man longs for boots, a Borderline longs for attachment. Unfortunately, like any longing, the craving for the rewarding object is the turn-on, not the possession of the object- therefore it's the fantasy that matters- not reality.  In reality (and with possession,) the object loses it's magnetic field of "want" i.e; loses its pull in the push/pull of Borderline.  

A new pair of high heels... satisfies in the present, but becomes obsessive need the next week. Does a woman with a shoe fetish feel "fixed" after she buys a pair of shoes? Hardly. That doesn't explain the dozens of pairs sold to the same woman annually at Neiman Marcus. She's got a fetish. Like any addictive cycle, the search turns "want" into "need."  It hasn't got anything to do with boredom. Boredom and compulsion are not the same. Borderline compulsion is a frantic desire to attain the fantasy of safety.  It is longing for that safety by recreating a "fix" to end anxiety. The safety they seek is within the fantasy of the "fix" (the fantasy of the object.)  

When the object is a person- the fantasy becomes unrewarding to the Borderline and a reminder of earlier conflicts.  Trying to live on the edge there in fantasy land by controlling another human (us) doesn't work- because two people cannot live in fantasy all the time and someone always tries to negotiate reality, and that someone is each one of us here.  A Borderline anticipates this and fears your withdrawal from the fantasy.  (Only one thing left to do for the Borderline and that is to find a new fantasy partner.)

Showing a Borderline how valuable you are in reality wont make them realize your value. Your value actually was in the fantasy chase to get your attention. It was the longing for your admiration that the Borderline craved.  That's also why Borderlines seek part-time fantasy relationships, especially with married men and women. There's less control/ more reward (less reality/more fantasy) and double the longing with a married partner, not to mention that it works both ways from the married partner's side.

Are they ever invested in the relationship? Yes. Some are Schizoid. Some never leave the house. They stay home and cry, get depressed or rage at the perceived dungeon master and control. Eventually they destabilize the bond they have with others by acting-out behaviors. Their entire focus is on the return to the fantasy World where a better reward awaits- one they can invest energy into by mirroring and reflecting and culling their fantasy persona.  But be aware, that anytime you dress up a Borderline Man in a suit/tie or tell a Borderline woman what to wear- you are now going to pay dearly in unexpected ways- because you've just turned fantasy into what they want to escape from-the reality of their controlling hyper-critical parent.

New people are rewarding. That new person doesn't tell them what to do- but rather, just sits in awe- like we all once did. A better reward can easily be found on the Internet.  It is a compulsion that could very well be compared to a fetish, but only for the thrill of the fantasy.  Like a woman with a pair of thigh high boots- you've only got power when you put them on and play to an audience. If that's rewarding- you've got to buy more shoes- but very specific shoes for very specific people- and those shoes only work when they are worn. That doesn't do much for the rest of the time- nor does it alleviate the anxiety felt when the Borderline cannot rely on those magic shoes for power.  The rest of the time, they are empty buckets with holes in the bottom that need constant filling and that creates anxiety.

We all have problems with turning wants into needs when we shouldn't- and we do what we can to eliminate our anxiety and reconcile what is bothering us.  To use others as band-aids requires a deception. Borderlines are addicted to and use people- but it's only for fantasy.  They have absolutely no desire to separate their wants from needs.  What they really want is to be self-supportive, but they think they need to be symbiotic.  They reconcile the difference by suggesting that we need them as much as they need us.  If they do stay with us for awhile- it's because they believe we've got an investment in the fantasy too... .a realization that the narrator of Lolita dealt with painfully by failing to come to terms with his own self-deception and romanticism until it destroyed him.  Idea

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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #72 on: November 05, 2010, 06:40:41 AM »

this was sporadically paired with very odd emails where she would describe a person, supposedly me, in an idolatrous way, as if I were the hero in a cheap novel based loosely on my life. It was as if she were more interested in the feeling she derived from this image of me than in what we were actually doing together at the moment.

She often would ask me about the nature of love, and my love for her, which never went well. I'd explain how an initial infatuation and excitement over some months would stabilize into a steady commitment of mutual respect, trust, and desire, with less extreme feelings. This appeared to fluster her, as she apparently needed her infatuation and obsession to last forever or it would never work. Her barometer of a relationship was whether she saw herself getting married to whomever she was with; it was over when she lost that "vision." I got the impression she wanted to marry me within about a month, held it about six months longer, and then dumped me within a few weeks of its dissipation.

Her own idea of love was best revealed in an animated rant a few days before she broke up with me (apparently for "not loving me enough". We had both read Lolita recently on her urging, which I thought odd because she often insisted that she never reads any classic fiction. I told her about how disturbing a portrait of obsession the book reveals, and how destructive and selfish the narrator is in his pursuit of a feckless little girl. But before I could finish, exgf launched into her view that the book perfectly captured the essence of "love." It was clear to me that she identified with the narrator, which horrified me.

Putting aside the nauseating immorality of the Lolita story, clearly for her love was about the possession and manipulation of a mindless object, like Lolita, that was nonetheless difficult to pursue.

So maybe BPD love is more like a fetish?

Procrustes, Welcome to the forum. Yours is one of the most perceptive and insightful posts I've read describing how Borderline's think.  Is it a fetish? You may be on to something with that question. In the same way a woman may long for high heels, or a Man longs for boots, a Borderline longs for attachment. Unfortunately, like any longing, the craving for the rewarding object is the turn-on, not the possession of the object- therefore it's the fantasy that matters- not reality.  In reality (and with possession,) the object loses it's magnetic field of "want" i.e; loses its pull in the push/pull of Borderline.  

A new pair of high heels... satisfies in the present, but becomes obsessive need the next week. Does a woman with a shoe fetish feel "fixed" after she buys a pair of shoes? Hardly. That doesn't explain the dozens of pairs sold to the same woman annually at Neiman Marcus. She's got a fetish. Like any addictive cycle, the search turns "want" into "need."  It hasn't got anything to do with boredom. Boredom and compulsion are not the same. Borderline compulsion is a frantic desire to attain the fantasy of safety.  It is longing for that safety by recreating a "fix" to end anxiety. The safety they seek is within the fantasy of the "fix" (the fantasy of the object.)  

When the object is a person- the fantasy becomes unrewarding to the Borderline and a reminder of earlier conflicts.  Trying to live on the edge there in fantasy land by controlling another human (us) doesn't work- because two people cannot live in fantasy all the time and someone always tries to negotiate reality, and that someone is each one of us here.  A Borderline anticipates this and fears your withdrawal from the fantasy.  (Only one thing left to do for the Borderline and that is to find a new fantasy partner.)

Showing a Borderline how valuable you are in reality wont make them realize your value. Your value actually was in the fantasy chase to get your attention. It was the longing for your admiration that the Borderline craved.  That's also why Borderlines seek part-time fantasy relationships, especially with married men and women. There's less control/ more reward (less reality/more fantasy) and double the longing with a married partner, not to mention that it works both ways from the married partner's side.

Are they ever invested in the relationship? Yes. Some are Schizoid. Some never leave the house. They stay home and cry, get depressed or rage at the perceived dungeon master and control. Eventually they destabilize the bond they have with others by acting-out behaviors. Their entire focus is on the return to the fantasy World where a better reward awaits- one they can invest energy into by mirroring and reflecting and culling their fantasy persona.  But be aware, that anytime you dress up a Borderline Man in a suit/tie or tell a Borderline woman what to wear- you are now going to pay dearly in unexpected ways- because you've just turned fantasy into what they want to escape from-the reality of their controlling hyper-critical parent.

New people are rewarding. That new person doesn't tell them what to do- but rather, just sits in awe- like we all once did. A better reward can easily be found on the Internet.  It is a compulsion that could very well be compared to a fetish, but only for the thrill of the fantasy.  Like a woman with a pair of thigh high boots- you've only got power when you put them on and play to an audience. If that's rewarding- you've got to buy more shoes- but very specific shoes for very specific people- and those shoes only work when they are worn. That doesn't do much for the rest of the time- nor does it alleviate the anxiety felt when the Borderline cannot rely on those magic shoes for power.  The rest of the time, they are empty buckets with holes in the bottom that need constant filling and that creates anxiety.

We all have problems with turning wants into needs when we shouldn't- and we do what we can to eliminate our anxiety and reconcile what is bothering us.  To use others as band-aids requires a deception. Borderlines are addicted to and use people- but it's only for fantasy.  They have absolutely no desire to separate their wants from needs.  What they really want is to be self-supportive, but they think they need to be symbiotic.  They reconcile the difference by suggesting that we need them as much as they need us.  If they do stay with us for awhile- it's because they believe we've got an investment in the fantasy too... .a realization that the narrator of Lolita dealt with painfully by failing to come to terms with his own self-deception and romanticism until it destroyed him.  Idea

2010,

Another wonderful post full of insight. I enjoyed reading your shoe whore analogy. My ex was a self professed shoe whore (boots, purses, you name it) and I see that now as a way of filling up those holes temporarily. Just as, during our "break", she went off with her rich, married boss who is always full of rewards for her in exchange for sex and companionship.

-new shoes and clothes

-trips to resorts and spas

-jewelry

-food at XMas, time off when she needs it

-job security

-her new landscaping and sprinklers

-tables and sandbags, supplies for her art shows

-spending money

She always saw safety and security with him (same thing she told me about me). When we fell apart, or rather when her false self crumbled, she ran to him. I am sure there were points in the five years when she ran to him. She does not have to commit to him, but still gets the safety and attachment. He does not have to commit to her either. They can both long for each other behind my back (and his wife's back). It must have been some kind of exciting thing for her in her fantasy world. A former lover who longs for her while she has a r/s with someone else. Once I was gone and they were exposed, she even dropped him for awhile (or vice versa after his wife also found out and they separated). I guess the excitement died down. She'll run back to him since the holidays are approaching fast. A user, going through life attaching to people and then vilifying them when it suits her.

I know I was "stand in Daddy" to her. I am sure he is too. All romantic interests are. She wanted control. She asked for it. For those same reasons, I was vilified. Sad. Their fantasy and reality merged.
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strings
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« Reply #73 on: November 05, 2010, 06:54:01 AM »

 
Excerpt
the craving for the rewarding object is the turn-on, not the possession of the object

Funny, I had this conversation with my uBPDw when I was trying to reconcile with her this summer, where similar words were heard.

She was talking about her bf (yuck), and trying to understand why she was feeling a certain way.

Her: "I get bored easy. I hear all these things from him, and like him, but there's something missing I can't put a finger on." (Most people would say its buried guilt and conscience, but she isn't normal)

Me: "Because you like the chase.  You wanted to conquer him, and you did.  Now that you've got him, you're bored. The rush is gone."

Her: "You're right... ."

Whatever.
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #74 on: November 05, 2010, 06:56:56 AM »

Excerpt
the craving for the rewarding object is the turn-on, not the possession of the object

Funny, I had this conversation with my uBPDw when I was trying to reconcile with her this summer, where similar words were heard.

She was talking about her bf (yuck), and trying to understand why she was feeling a certain way.

Her: "I get bored easy. I hear all these things from him, and like him, but there's something missing I can't put a finger on." (Most people would say its buried guilt and conscience, but she isn't normal)

Me: "Because you like the chase.  You wanted to conquer him, and you did.  Now that you've got him, you're bored. The rush is gone."

Her: "You're right... ."

Whatever.

How true is this. My ex lost interest in her married rich boss and "chose me" five years ago. She could not have me fully. Once we were together, I am sure she ran back and forth to him for the chase. The longing and pursuit. She admitted to me that she gets bored easily. Guys can't keep her attention or keep her interested after a period of time.

You're right. They love the chase. The pursuit. To long for love. Like children.
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needPeace
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« Reply #75 on: November 06, 2010, 01:44:01 AM »

Showing a Borderline how valuable you are in reality wont make them realize your value. Your value actually was in the fantasy chase to get your attention. It was the longing for your admiration that the Borderline craved

2010 I love reading your posts!  So insightful, and so enlightening.

I have realized this w/ my stbxdBPDh.  As long as I stay far enough away, he enjoys the chase, and I am painted white and treated kindly (the way I should be considering all I have put up with and all I have tried to help him with -but that is another story).

The moment I give in to him, bring him closer, allow him into my life, with in minutes, hours, sometimes days, it all flips.  I get painted black, he hates me, and life is turns ugly (until I pull away because of the chaos and abuse and then the chase is on again).   It is a balancing game, and not an easy one!

Unfortunately, unlike others who have no ties to keep them w/ the pwBPD, I must remain in contact - although LC - and I must be careful I dont give in too much, almost have to pull enough away to keep him wanting more so in turn behaving better... .

It is not what I want but its better than the alternate (being painted black and being punished for being so... .)

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Stronger, Better, Smarter
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« Reply #76 on: November 07, 2010, 11:40:22 AM »

He would leave tiny (1,000) "confetti" notes that said "I heart u" all over the house.  I mean in cerial boxes, shoes, draws ... .everywhere.  Sounds sweet, but it's not.  He has done this many times...
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innerspirit
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« Reply #77 on: November 08, 2010, 11:57:37 AM »

He would leave tiny (1,000) "confetti" notes that said "I heart u" all over the house.  I mean in cerial boxes, shoes, draws ... .everywhere.  Sounds sweet, but it's not.  He has done this many times...

As if to be enmeshed with you 24/7? 
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O'Maria
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« Reply #78 on: November 08, 2010, 12:18:47 PM »

Mine left "love notes" all over the house too, but only IN THE BEGINNING of our relationship. Two months later he got aggressive, and told me to get the hell out... .

The love did not survive the honeymoon stage.
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gutzgutz
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« Reply #79 on: November 08, 2010, 01:49:49 PM »

need peace

Excerpt
I have realized this w/ my stbxdBPDh.  As long as I stay far enough away, he enjoys the chase, and I am painted white and treated kindly (the way I should be considering all I have put up with and all I have tried to help him with -but that is another story).

The moment I give in to him, bring him closer, allow him into my life, with in minutes, hours, sometimes days, it all flips.  I get painted black, he hates me, and life is turns ugly (until I pull away because of the chaos and abuse and then the chase is on again).   It is a balancing game, and not an easy one!

Have experienced the same. He even told me that he needs the chase, and when I am unavailable he wants me. His brother has apparently told him that a lot of guys are like this. So he does not see a problem.

He has got this friend, who changes his girl friends every other month, supply is match.com (seems to be like a super market) and he also told him that you can get always a new one there.

Wonder if besides borderline if there is also an issue of commitment phobia (this could also explain push and pull, yes and no, holding the partner/lover like a puppet on the string).

Anyway, however and whatever its is, it is appalling treatment, it is immature and it is not what we deserve.

We deserve far better!
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O'Maria
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« Reply #80 on: November 08, 2010, 06:47:58 PM »

I totally agree, it was all about the infatuation, the honeymoon passion. If he felt I was trying to get out, he chase me, but when things were "close to normal stability" for a couple of days, the drama was back.

There is no empathy, I asked him once if he knew how I felt and he could not answer. It is all about their pleasure, the sex is too important, but the bonding only lasts for 24 hours... .at least this is my experience.
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O'Maria
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« Reply #81 on: November 08, 2010, 06:50:08 PM »

I forgot to add Mine is on Match.com, that is where he found his previous girlfriend...
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Single - have moved out 2010-10-10
Posts: 340


« Reply #82 on: November 09, 2010, 06:45:00 AM »

Randi, he might have meant Oxytocin. There have been reports about this.

Two articles:

www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/8020464/Oxytocin-the-love-hormone-could-cure-shyness.html

www.guardian.co.uk/science/blog/2009/aug/13/oxytocin-pair-bonding-social



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brenbabe
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 455


« Reply #83 on: November 09, 2010, 08:13:32 AM »

Im sure mine had strange thoughts about love, he was strange period.
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The_411
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 464


« Reply #84 on: November 09, 2010, 01:32:22 PM »

Artist,

Yes to your question. It always felt like she craved the attention from men and loved the honeymoon period before she got bored or the guys allegedly left. Quite a few it appears have ditched her on her birthday for some reason (Of course the reason is that they couldn't deal with her, but I did always wonder why her birthday was such a  focal point). I even asked her about the relationship with a guy from another country who worked on the cruise ship and she indicated that she loved the fantasy part of it.

Medical community has indicated that PwBPD lack the bonding chemicals or great enough quantity of them (I can't remember which) to develop long and sustained relationships and that sex does raise those levels that's why they can show some insight and depth after sex. However, absent continous sex, they don't trust their partners and they constantly chase relationships for the fill the void as they believe that will end their misery/pain.

In my case I too got the not attracted to you part as well and it's a bunch of crap really. It means that they realize that you've run your course and you don't give them those same feelings that they got at the beginning and they need the chase and chemical process of chasing a new relationship (i.e recycling). They're incapable of developing the chemical bonding that nons do so they're ultimately trapped into repeating the honeymoon period over and over again.

I've never heard of anything about "bonding chemicals."                         

Hi Randy, I was talking about OXytocin and it's role in the bonding process
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