Is getting involved with a BPD with kids, not yours, even worse?

[blueyedguy]

My ex uBPDgf had 2 children with 2 different guys. A daughter who is 21 now and a son who is just 7.

The father of the daughter took off while she was pregnant, she had her son with her ex husband. They were married 12 yrs i believe.

Anyway she said she wouldn't of lived if it wasn't for having her daughter. I'm guessing that is due to the total lack of any self that BPD's suffer from. She was the ex's total life up until her son was born. Her daughter today at 21 has the maturity of a 15 yr old. She lives with her mom. She is spoiled and self centered. She had her son for the same reason. Her marriage sucked and she needed "someone to love".

I ask if it's even worse with BPD's with kids because of all the added dynamics. Dating a so called healthy single mother is hard enough, throw in the BPD and it's impossible. You have the effects of it on her kids and how she has and is raising them. You have the ex father around. It's a nightmare.

Her daughter is like the mother in their relationship. The son a lot of times seems like a husband substitute to her. She calls him baby all the time. Her daughter disliked me simply beacause i took moms time and attention.

There were so many other things added to the mix with the kids i think it's almost impossible to survive.

[kj1234]

Blue,

I think you may have answered all your own questions in your post.  Also don't forget that if the relationship or marriage ends, you have absolutely no rights relative to the children and very likely will not continue a relationship with them, so keep that in mind while you invest yourself in their lives.

Also, in some cases having children around leaves you vulnerable to whatever problems they may get into, or whatever conflicts and liabilities they may cause for you or their mother may manipulate.

I had somewhat of a negative experience myself in these ways.  My stbxw and SS were family to me, we had no serious problems or conflicts I was aware of, and they left suddenly, going out of their way to destroy me in the process with no logical explanation.

I don't want to be unkind, but I don't mind being politically incorrect in saying think real hard before you take on someone else's children.

The bright side:  If she ever does to you what many pwBPD do, you will be able to disengage more completely and move on with your life; i.e., if you don't become the third poor hit_ tied to her messy life by having a child with her.

I know there is a more positive point of view on it, but that's not the one I'm telling right now. 

[kj1234]

I'm curious.  What kind of nightmares do you have with the ex?  Or is it just another complication adding to the nightmare?

[Crystal Ball]

Her daughter today at 21 has the maturity of a 15 yr old.

Her daughter is like the mother in their relationship.

So how old does Mom act if the daughter has the maturity of a 15 yr old and she plays the mom role?

My recommendation is make a list... .left side list all the things you love about being in this relationship... .right side all the things you dislike.  Tally it up.

[blueyedguy]

Her daughter today at 21 has the maturity of a 15 yr old.

Her daughter is like the mother in their relationship.

So how old does Mom act if the daughter has the maturity of a 15 yr old and she plays the mom role?

That is a great observation, and i don't really have an answer. I will say her childlike quality was very much a hook for me at the start. But it got old after awhile. She would pout just like a kid.

[2010]

Her daughter today at 21 has the maturity of a 15 yr old. She lives with her mom. She is spoiled and self centered. She had her son for the same reason. Her marriage sucked and she needed "someone to love". Anyway she said she wouldn't of lived if it wasn't for having her daughter. Her daughter disliked me simply because i took moms time and attention. Her daughter is like the mother in their relationship.

The bond between the BPD mother and her child is unusually strong because she clings to the child as an extension of herself just like her Mother did to her. The child fails to develop healthy boundaries and remains enmeshed with the mother.  Pop on over to the children's board and you'll read some stories about "momsters" by kids who grew up being the parent for their BPD mother. You'll see stories of constant worry that Mom would "act-out" if the child put boundaries in place and tried to detach.  

People are either a part of the "self" to a Borderline (rewarding in their receiving admiration, affirmation, adoration, attention- all the a's) or they are *apart from the self* and withdrawing-therefore devalued, valueless, useless unless as an audience to the admiration from others. Borderlines can go back and forth in clinging/distancing with objects that are apart from the self just to keep them within reach.

Your introduction to the family creates an intruder- one that causes anxiety about what's next and where she's going. These kids have been trying to control the disorder their entire lives-  being subsumed and rewarded for their efforts to stay attached, and chastised and manipulated for their perceived withdrawal. They have likely seen other people come in and get spit out of their Mother's life and reeled back in again over and over- and they do not like the emotional dysregulation that this creates in momster.  They may seek to "take over" the newcomer in order to avoid mishaps.