Wife called state police. We argued about Christmas... Im removed

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

She wants annual Christmas celebration at our home. I mean my God we are getting a divorce! Nothing to celebrate. No joy. I dont want my kids thinking her joy is what divorce all about. Divorce painful. Divorce not what God intended. So she didnt like my reaction. I said no way she having christmas at our house. She said she is.  I said no Fing way. She was recording me, Then she brushed her teeth. Fixed her hair and left house, 30 minutes later 3 state trooper cars in my driveway. They take statement from me. She goes back to file restaraining order at barracks. I guess she didnt have enough grounds cause troopers come back 1.5 hrs later with her. said no retstrraining order, Trooper recommended 1 of us leave. If they came back we would both woluld be arrested. I dont even recognize this creature who would have me arrested. I now hate this woman. I wish her a painful early death. She wants me sleepingh in a chair. Mediator said living room should be a bedroom. She told police that was a lie and I can sleep in my chair. Who the F sleeps in a chair every night?

[3rdID]

She wants annual Christmas celebration at our home. I mean my God we are getting a divorce! Nothing to celebrate. No joy. I dont want my kids thinking her joy is what divorce all about. Divorce painful. Divorce not what God intended. So she didnt like my reaction. I said no way she having christmas at our house. She said she is.  I said no Fing way. She was recording me, Then she brushed her teeth. Fixed her hair and left house, 30 minutes later 3 state trooper cars in my driveway. They take statement from me. She goes back to file restaraining order at barracks. I guess she didnt have enough grounds cause troopers come back 1.5 hrs later with her. said no retstrraining order, Trooper recommended 1 of us leave. If they came back we would both woluld be arrested. I dont even recognize this creature who would have me arrested. I now hate this woman. I wish her a painful early death. She wants me sleepingh in a chair. Mediator said living room should be a bedroom. She told police that was a lie and I can sleep in my chair. Who the F sleeps in a chair every night?

[Crystal Ball]

I'm sorry that your situation has escalated to this.   x   By recording you she has a plan to get you.  She's trying to push you over your limit so that you blow which will help her case.  You must have done a decent job of staying rational and keeping your thinking straight or she would have gotten the RO. Give yourself credit for that since I've read the stress you've been under.  My heart goes out to you and your children.  x

[david]

Get an atty if you don't already have one and don't leave without the kids ! That is abandonment and the courts will give the kids to her.

My BPDw tried to get me evicted from the house by telling me to leave. I said no. She filed a protection order and tried to get me removed. Judge said no. She ran away with the kids from advice from a womans shelter and her lies. I had no idea how this worked until it happened. Get an atty and find out what you need to do to protect yourself and the kids. Don't let your anger cloud your thinking. Recording conversations may not be admissable in court but it wouldn't hurt in mediation,custody eval, etc. Get a recording device yourself and document all behavior that is detrimental to kids.

[blueyedguy]

She wants annual Christmas celebration at our home. I mean my God we are getting a divorce! Nothing to celebrate. No joy. I dont want my kids thinking her joy is what divorce all about. Divorce painful. Divorce not what God intended. So she didnt like my reaction. I said no way she having christmas at our house. She said she is.  I said no Fing way. She was recording me, Then she brushed her teeth. Fixed her hair and left house, 30 minutes later 3 state trooper cars in my driveway. They take statement from me. She goes back to file restaraining order at barracks. I guess she didnt have enough grounds cause troopers come back 1.5 hrs later with her. said no retstrraining order, Trooper recommended 1 of us leave. If they came back we would both woluld be arrested. I dont even recognize this creature who would have me arrested. I now hate this woman. I wish her a painful early death. She wants me sleepingh in a chair. Mediator said living room should be a bedroom. She told police that was a lie and I can sleep in my chair. Who the F sleeps in a chair every night?

Is there anyway you can leave and stay somewhere? She is gonna end up getting you arrested one way or another if you stay. If that happens then you are really screwed. Im really sorry this is happening to you. At the least stay away from her!

[3rdID]

I am in hotel 1 mile from house. She set me up or tried to. Troopers suggested someone has to leave tonight. She wouldnt, Troppers said if any more calls tonight we both get arrested. So I left, I cannot afford that. My job be in jeapordy if arrest occurred. She seems out of her mind. Laughing at me taunting me, Baiting me . Trying to record me, Who is this person? We have mediation meeting tomorrow at 11 am. I have to try to get her to leave. Mediator suggested in first meeting thyat living room be turned into bedroom. She refuses to allow and taunts me for staying in bed. Wants me to sleep on recliner in den with no door. No privacy. Troopers tried to tell her that was a good idea. She said no. That I was making it all up. that mediator never said make living room a bedroom. My d15 calling dad, dad as Im leaving. I went to her room and hugged d. I broke down and cried. She says why you crying,. Then D sends text, Says no ones fault.

[david]

This must be very difficult to deal with. I was imprisoned because of false allegations and did loose my job. I never expected it to play out that way. You have to be careful. You need to find an attorney that can help with all the legalities to protect yourself.

[Indigo Sky]

Forget the mediator and go right to the attorney. See him ASAP. Follow his advice.

And be prepaired for anything, I wouldnt be surprised if she moved someone in. In fact I pretty well can guarantee that is what is on her mind. They want everything now and everything their own way.

The abuser has to try and drag you down because they can not change and come up to your level.

Do not react! Do not text! Do not call! Do not speak to her! Do not engage her!

If she asks you a question provide her the number for your lawyer.

Life is going to be rough until the divorce is finalized. You want a divorce ASAP, see your lawyer.

As for your kids, next Christmas will be grand for them. All they need is you! Take the high road! Good luck.

[GlennT]

Tonight i would get any kind of bed, and a padlock to keep yourself or your things safe. Her demon mask will eventually be shown, but you have to stay cool in front of the kids for christmas wherever it is until things come out in the wash.

[3rdID]

Her demon mask will eventually be shown

Its shown. She doesnt even look like my wife anymore. Completely changed. Her eyes look deranged. Her speech is different. She sat there in yesterday telling me I cant let go of her. i said I really dont care. She says yes you do. You still sleep in same bed with me. Well I go back home today. Im clearing out living room and it will be my bedroom. I got mediation meeting in 10 minutes. I called my own lawyer. On vacation till tomorrow. i dont think mediation is going to work with wife.

[david]

The problem I see with mediation (I tried it once) is that both parties need to be on the same planet or at least the same solar system (men are from mars and women are from venus  ). My BPDw was having psychotic breaks and I am not trained in that area. Scared the h*** out of me. Went to one mediation and it was a 3.5 hour somewhat controled rage directed towards me. Later I researched and realized rage can come from shame. Having time to think it over I realized she did have serious problems in that area and even now when she rages in emails I can now see what is so upsetting to her (shame causing really low self esteem). Problem is if I point it out she will go even more balistic or run away (figuratively speaking). I am a very direct open person. I can't be that way with her because it triggers her.

[lostoc]

It's darn clear she is playing hardball / screw ball. Are you ready to play, too?

[kj1234]

3rdID,

I'm sorry to hear about all this.  It's obviously a very tough situation.

I don't want to give impractical advice, but I understand you want to avoid giving in to being put in a no-win situation.  I agree with the others who say get a L now, and a very good one.  Go on the offensive legally.

I commend you on holding your ground and staying in the house.  I am not ignoring the threat of being arrested, but again, she is trying to put you in a no-win situation that forces you out of the house, which then weakens your position and costs you money, so she could parlay that into another no-win situation and another and another and bleed you dry financially by dragging things out forever while she is nice and cozy and you are out on the street.

So, I want to give you one more voice to support the idea of standing up for yourself right at the start, with the hope of containing her behavior and teaching her that her actions have bad consequences for her.  The worst you can do is reward her bad behavior.

Put up those doors on the living room.  If she is going to call the police again, let her do it.  You can't stop her.  Bolt the doors and have a safe place to operate from while you make a plan with a very good L.  The situation may evolve very quickly, of course, and it seems you are prepared to meet it head on.

One caution:  If she does attempt false charges of domestic violence against you, keep your mouth shut and don't admit to anything.  Get a damn good L.  Don't be bullied or rushed.  File everything you can (if appropriate) against her in response:  domestic violence, false charges by her, assault--whatever applies.  Don't hold back.  ALSO:  If an incident happens, be the first to call the police.  You may still get arrested, and some recommend not calling because you will, but there seems no doubt she will, so I suggest you do it first if you can.

[david]

You said your job would be in jeopardy. Maybe you can talk to your boss and find out your options there. A temporay leave of absence if that helps you get things straightened out faster ?

DV is a mess in court because it almost always favors the woman. Todays bias.

My BPDw falsely accused me. I think it a great disservice and a crime because it really doesn't help those that truely need such help. It is abuse of the system. I have a video camera with me whenever I pick our kids up. She comes near me (not allowed per court order) and I will record it. She knows it and has respected that boundary. My atty told me it is illegal in my state. My reply was , "What are they gonna do, arrest me ?" I would post it on the internet if they do and also contact news stations. I don't fear BPDw anymore. The more assertive I have become the more BPDw leaves me alone.

[JustSaying]

I said no way she having christmas at our house. She said she is.  I said no Fing way.

Along with what kj1234 said, learn verbal jiu-jitsu. She can only pick a fight if you are playing along, and by your own words, that's what you are doing. Set up or not, you fed into it. If you don't engage, there will be nothing on the tape to hold against you.

Your anger is gonna get you in trouble. Getting a handle on that would be a useful skill, if only to be able to deflect her instigations.

[Indigo Sky]

If you guys go back in the house together... .buy yourself a very good, extra long play tape recorder of your own... .

[3rdID]

Mediation was exhausting. It took 1 1/2 hrs to resolve the bedroom issue. Wife doesnt want her living room messed up. Wants me to sleep on chair in den. She was given the options by the mediator. Me move in living room or her move in living room. She elected to go in living room cause she thinks it will keep it from being dismantled. Mediator then informed her she needs to move all her clothes and jewelry boxes. Everything from bed room. (tons of stuff) will need to go in living room with her. She's upset because this is now causing her problems for decorating for Christmas and messing up her living room. This nut I'm married to is adamant on celebrating Christmas in our home!    So I may need to leave the house for Christmas. I told her dad I didnt want Christmas at our home. Its not a joyous and happy time and he understands completely. My wife wants to force everyone to have to come to our joyless home. Im sure her family will be rather uncomfortable given the circumstances and she should just have Christmas at her sisters or dads home. My sisters live far and they do not come to our place. She was told she must prepare for full time work. Mediator suggested she could pick up hours in another dept store as she didnt seem to be working more than 20hrs now. My wife said she couldnt do that. That her hours are exhausting. Mediator I think is seeing her for what she is. My wife kept calling me a bully. Blaming me. Mediator had to put her in place a number of times. One thing I noticed is my wife rarely looked at mediator. Not paying attention. She kept fidgeting with her bag. Rummaging in it. Checking phone. Scribling stuff. Mediator looking at me in a way that said I can see what your dealing with. Mediator advised her not to call police. To call mediator if she has an issue with me.

[lostoc]

Your issues will not be solved under the current structure you are dealing with. You need to take control NOW, or you will end up in prison. She WILL call the police again. A mediator? Means nothing to her.

I remember suggesting a lawyer quite awhile ago, probably would have saved you recent grief. Good luck with everything.

[3rdID]

I remember suggesting a lawyer quite awhile ago, probably would have saved you recent grief. Good luck with everything.

I do have my own lawyer. She was out of town. Will be back tomorrow. i will be on phone with her first thing.

[JustSaying]

So I may need to leave the house for Christmas.

Or you could invite some of your friends over. There's bound to be a football or basketball game on. Invite your biggest, loudest, beer-drinkingest buddies... .or at least make your wife THINK you'll be doing that.

Or tell her you're working with a realtor to list the house, and Christmas is when you've scheduled the open house.

Or have an afternoon Bible study from your church hosted at the house.

Or have a bed bug infestation that causes the house to be fumigated 12/24.

Or a... .

Or a... .

There are so many other ways to play this than to let her act and you react.

[kj1234]

What a situation!

Maybe the in-laws will convince her to go somewhere else for Christmas, or just refuse to come to your house.  They'd be nuts too to show up there, I think, unless you will definitely not be there, but still... .

[Melec]

I am really, really sorry it has come to this.

The only advice I want to add is to be prepared for anything - ANYTHING. Once it dawns on her that she is not going to get her way she will pick up any mask off the floor to manipulate you into more money, more whatever. Remember that. If you start to feel like she's getting back to normal or there's hope, don't act on anything. Give her a good six months to show you that she's changed.

[Wrkngthruit]

3rdID,

The mediator is starting to see her for who she is and that will play into your favor.  Keep your cool during your meetings with the mediator and her (I have no idea how you do it after reading your posts).  

Excuse my ignorance, but are the mediator's notes admissible in court if this gets completely out of hand? Are you able to see the notes and use/dispute them?  Can this be used to your advantage?

[2010]

The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one person and himself. Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional. Conflict builds character. Crisis defines it.  Now, explain to me why celebrating Christmas in your home is a crisis?

No matter what you do, whether you move to a chair, a room, another town... .punishing your children by removing their ability to rejoice in the holidays is just a crime. Not only are you teaching your children that the lights are going out and they must suffer- but you are also showing your daughter how to be triangulated in this- teaching her to be co-dependent, while also giving your wife exactly the ammo that she needs to label you as a control freak. No judge in the land is going to side with you over your decision to cancel any chance for normalcy with "I dont want my kids thinking her joy is what divorce all about. I said no way she having christmas at our house. I said no Fing way."

If your Wife wants the children to have Christmas in spite of the divorce I say good for her. What can it hurt? Yes, Divorce stinks- but it happens all over the World. Divorce happens- and sometimes people are better off because of it.  The most you can ask for is to come to grips with the inevitable and make the transition smoothly- You need to come to a place where your childrens lives are not dramatic and erratic because of you and your Wife's acting out behaviors.  You two are the people your children look up to- hide your behaviors if you must and fake it until you make it. The less the kids know the better. If that means letting her have Christmas in your home then do it. You do not need to participate if you dont want to but do not let your decision take away from your children's decision to celebrate.

Children should not have to pay for your divorce. They should not be told they must be unhappy because of your unhappiness. This is subsuming them so that your behavior now dictates theirs. Ask anyone on this board if they have memories of divorce- you'll find them to be very painful, especially when one parent decides to take out their rage on the other by punishing the children.  It's the children who get harmed the most.

Your life is what you make of it. If you need counsel, call now. Vent your rage in private with a therapist. Get at the reasons why you feel so out of control that you must control everything. This sounds very much like a control issue between the two of you. From your other post you said she complained that you were a bully.  Stop giving her more reasons to think this way.  Let go of the outcome on Christmas. Have Christmas. Christmas is not a crisis- Christmas is a stand-in for you and your Wife's control issues.

Some things are uncontrollable- like the dissolution of a marriage. Facing the facts of this will take you allot closer with your children if you stop using them like pawns against the dissolution. Act with dignity and teach them that you have a plan for providing a safe place that respects their autonomy, respects your wife's autonomy as their biological Mother, and fosters goodwill during the dissolution that sets a foundation for the rest of their life.  Soon they will have their own children. Teach them how to handle conflict so they can teach your grandchildren.

Coming here and getting replies from other people who split black and white does nothing but exacerbate your current situation. Find a way to express your frustration with a professional- you deserve it. Treat yourself with care and remove yourself from trigger points that create anger. Placing a buffer between you and your Wife will allow your children to grow independently of the drama.

Since your daughter is 15, she is very vulnerable to the pain you feel. Imagine what that's going to give her in the way of adult support and mediation between adolescent pain and young adulthood.  She is already texting you that this is no one's fault-meaning that she refuses to take sides.  Good for her.

Give your kids the best Christmas that you can. Talk to someone professionally. The phone book is within your reach.

[3rdID]

2010... .I hear you. Lot to think about. I realize what you said is correct. Just very heated at the moment. I dont want my kids to suffer. Thank you.

[3rdID]

What a situation!

Maybe the in-laws will convince her to go somewhere else for Christmas, or just refuse to come to your house.  They'd be nuts too to show up there, I think, unless you will definitely not be there, but still... .

Just father-in-law now. And wifes divorced sister. Her dad, a widower, has a lady friend. I have a good relationship with him and pretty good with sister-in-law. They are welcome in my home anytime. I just felt it was absurd to be hosting Christmas like everything ok. I know if I was here my wife would start something with me. 2010 made some good points. I need to consider my kids first. Not my own, perhaps selfish reasons.

[3rdID]

If you start to feel like she's getting back to normal or there's hope, don't act on anything. Give her a good six months to show you that she's changed.

Melec. I cant see how that would happen. It appears to be past the point of no return. I never wanted this, but now she is destroying the love I had by taunting and calling police for really no reason. She said I threatened her. Mediator asked in what way. She said I was telling her there would be no Christmas at our house and I would throw the food out. Yeah, I got pissed and made the immature food comment. But that was no reason to call police. We werent even yelling. Mediator advised her to call her next time and not the police.

[3rdID]

The mediator is starting to see her for who she is and that will play into your favor.  Keep your cool during your meetings with the mediator and her (I have no idea how you do it after reading your posts).  

Excuse my ignorance, but are the mediator's notes admissible in court if this gets completely out of hand? Are you able to see the notes and use/dispute them?  Can this be used to your advantage?

The mediator will not be able to judge in my favor just because she is disregulated, but at least another human being had a glimpse of what I deal with. I guess that made me feel a little more sane. I dont know if mediator notes casn be used. I hope that it does not come to battling it out in court with lawyers adding fuel to the fire. The mediator is a well established divorce attorney. She is female so maybe some insight to my wife from a womans perspective. I think its good the mediator is female. I feel comfortable with it and I think its less intimidating for my wife. My own atty I have consulted with is female also. 

[Melec]

I think sometimes the reality of what is happening doesn't sink in for people until they actually start the process. Maybe she is too far gone.

2010 makes some great points, but I wonder how many Christmases he/she endured as child with a BP mom who was resentful, venomous, and actively provoking her spouse. My guess is -not too many. If, on the other hand, you have been able to give your children good holidays until now, no, you probably don't want to take this one away from them.

Instead of focusing on the example you think your wife is setting, focus on what you are doing to make the kids feel safe and loved. It's so, so hard. It is a real sacrifice because you are justifiably really hurt right now. My exH did not set a great example for our son by cheating on me. I had all the reason in the world to vilify "the other woman," to make things difficult for her with exH's family, who loved me, and on and on. But in the end, the only person who would have been left with lasting hurt over that was our son. So I set all that aside, and thank God every day that I did. He's a happy kid.

Do Christmas if you think it's the right thing for the kids, but regardless, for your own sake and for the kids' sake, you have to get to a place where you stop responding to the insanity. You do have time to get in to see a T, who could help you sort out your feelings and boundaries.  

[kj1234]

2010 does give a lot to think about and some good points.  However, when the police are called things are elevated to a new level and you can have a lot of trouble ahead.

Calling the police and throwing you into that meat grinder that can do very severe destruction to your life is a very serious act.  If I am splitting black and white by saying the game changes when someone does this, then so be it.  I believe it to be the case.

If you can manage everything the way 2010 suggests, then great.

[2010]

2010 makes some great points, but I wonder how many Christmases he/she endured as child with a BP mom who was resentful, venomous, and actively provoking her spouse. My guess is -not too many.

Your guess is wrong.