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Author Topic: sex addiction and BPD?  (Read 8938 times)
BreadHead
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« on: November 27, 2010, 11:50:34 PM »

Oy what a day,

Today gave us not one but two fights, one of them with him out of control and beating his fists in my car on the way to work.  but i digress... .

Anyone know of any correlation between sex addiction and BPD?  specifically fetish addiction?

My Fiance (who is undiagnosed but i am For SURE is BPD) and i only fight about one thing, his "need" (his word not mine) for him to see me as a certain type of woman.  we have talked at length about when/why the fetish came to be and that it became so essential with his last SO because she did nothing but say 'no' to him (no validation) so he told her she needed to become this type of woman to keep him. well he ended up leaving (she was horrible to him anyway, confirmation of this from our roommate/his best friend of 10 years) and she became this type of woman afterwards to get him back.  he doesnt understand why this doesnt appeal to me even though it's a type that's quite obviously the OPPOSITE of how I am.  i have tried very very hard to my limit to attempt to "become" like this type of woman, even part time but i can't do it anymore.  he now says all he needs is for me to do my hair like that, so he can see me like that type of woman. 

My question is this, this seems like a 'fetish addiction' which i've done some research on, but I'm wondering does this seem to happen a lot in BPD situations?  He develops this 'need' for me to show him i will completely change to validate him/ whether he knows he does it or not?

I love this man very much, when we met 3 years ago i knew he had a hair fetish but it was not connected to this type of woman specifically.  he and i have worked very hard to secure our dream jobs at a local theme park starting in the spring and when we have moments of clarity things are wonderful and he genuinely seems to understand what he is asking for hurts me, but then other times it's like he has no ability to think outside of his 'need'.  this obviously hurts me because i want him to want to see me as myself, the woman he contstantly tells me he loves, just the way I am. 

oy, any feedback or just support is welcome, this is such a tough spot!


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butrflyblue
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« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2010, 03:37:25 PM »

I know that there are quite a few who are addicted to sex in general but mine definitely has what seem to be fetishes for anal sex and women his mother's age. My biggest fear is this is just the tip of the iceberg and these "fetishes" are them trying to resolve something pyschological. I know mine has a very strained relationship with his mom and suffered abuse when he was younger and I am beginning to wonder if some of it was sexual.
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amberleslie

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« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2010, 04:21:11 PM »

I know that there are quite a few who are addicted to sex in general but mine definitely has what seem to be fetishes for anal sex and women his mother's age. My biggest fear is this is just the tip of the iceberg and these "fetishes" are them trying to resolve something pyschological. I know mine has a very strained relationship with his mom and suffered abuse when he was younger and I am beginning to wonder if some of it was sexual.

Hi!  I am new to the site and trying to recover after a break-up with a SO whom I was with for about 9 months and am pretty sure was a BPD.  We are basically in NC mode, although he called and left a VM on Thanksgiving and we exchanged some texts the next day.  We are "friends" currently, as he has gone back to his ex, whom he constantly criticizes and about whom he has nothing nice to say.  She is "crazy" but he wanted to be fair and give her one last chance, sincehe left her precipitously and apparently without a second thought when he met me, even though they had been together for about 4 years (on and off).

I read this post and was shocked.  My ex had a festish for oral sex and women significantly older than him.  He was severely neglected as a child and was even sexually abused by a neighbor when his mother left him alone a few times. 

I guess this is common for BPs?
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dreamer321
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« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2010, 07:33:06 PM »

Wow that hits home to me too-my guy has a thing for me masterbating in front of him (which I never did nor will I ever) Or having oral sex-again, which I will never do-he constantly says to me- or hints "what if I came in while you were doing it-it would so turn me on"-cannot let it go-I get through it-somehow and we get on to other things and have learned to ignore it-now he seems to want to meet my daughter but my daughter knows enough not to want to have anything to do with him and his "fettish" is online sex-with younger girls (why do I get so involved?) I am far enough back from his life not to be an SO but someone who genuinely cares for him and would be a live in girlfriend-but this whole thing makes me freak out and it sometimes seems as if I am a pawn in his little game, so yeah that is freaky he wants you to look a certain way or act a certain way.  My guy has also been sexually abused-like they get stuck on something and cant move away from it-or get past it; How do you deal with it-just kind of ignore it?
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butrflyblue
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« Reply #4 on: November 29, 2010, 01:08:57 PM »

Mine does not know I know about the older women. I did some snooping and put two and two together. Three of them are grandmothers in their 50s and he is 34. This really ebbed at my self esteem until a good friend who is a male set me down and said that for my own good he was going to set me straight. He pointed out to me that I model and have almost earned a phd and that there was nothing wrong with me. I understood logically but when I caught my husband with nude photos of an elderly woman it really freaked me out. Funny I always worried about younger women. :)The other women he has been involved with are all very obese. The scary thing about all of this is that his mother is in her 50s and up until last year was 150lbs over weight. I think that this has something to do with his fetish. In relation to the question about what to do. I have not told him that I know about this stuff and I don't intend too. For the main reason that it will not fix anything and may drive a bigger wedge between us. This is a good topic though and I hope more people respond.
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havana
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« Reply #5 on: November 29, 2010, 02:17:29 PM »

Excerpt
in their 50s

Older women?     ?  ?
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butrflyblue
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« Reply #6 on: November 29, 2010, 02:44:38 PM »

Sorry not meaning to offend anyone in their 50s Smiling (click to insert in post)) Just meaning they are all approximately his mother's age. Sorry again offending anyone was not my intention.
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LW1968
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« Reply #7 on: November 30, 2010, 03:55:35 PM »

Yes--

This is the 12-step program my husband is now attending.  I'd mentioned it in a couple of other posts.  This is his preferred method of acting out.  I could tell when he was getting a craving for it, and I could tell after it happened.  He'd accuse ME of having done what he just did.

It fits in perfectly with the BPD in my husband's case.  The BPD just makes the addiction that much harder to fight, I believe.  Like any addict, he is very good at constructing reasons or a different reality to justify caving to the addiction.  Luckily, most of his acting out was self-indulgence while on the internet or texting. 

This is the thing that I can't tolerate.  It's the first boundary.  Violence (the 2nd boundary) only reared its ugly head when I'd confront him regarding the addiction.  He needs to feel like a God, needs to feel validated, and I wasn't giving that to him.  His fetish, if you call it that, is for young, damaged women who will believe any line of crap that a man feeds them.  He is very good at scouting prospects because he recognizes self-loathing vocabulary and people who are suffering like himself.  It's a very volatile combination.

One thing I have noticed when reading his literature from SAA is the vast number of addicts who had sought professions where they were in a position of authority, specifically over potential victims.  Many coaches, teachers, professors, doctors.  It's the whole "rain-check" thing I wrote elsewhere.  When their wife doesn't validate, they go online or go out to bars to seek women they can start talking to, in order to issue rain-checks that can be cashed in for sex at a later date, when the addiction is at its worst.  They continue to string these women along via text or email with their victim stories so that there's always someone on the other end to validate the crap they dish.

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slipker
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« Reply #8 on: November 30, 2010, 05:09:28 PM »

 This was what finally became clear to me with an exBPD friend. He was a friend only... .and an elderly man at that. He finally exposed himself[ not literally} when in an email he asked me for a clip of my hair. He was the typical type... .worshipful waif, and found me to be the most lovely woman on the planet... .and hey, I'm in my fifties so take that... .ha ha! My mind was shattered with this realization, and looking back it became very very clear that he had built a whole fantasy world around me. I recalled that once in a joking manner I had told him to knock off the over the top compliments on my appearance and that I could probably rob a bank and get away with it without makeup, and that next time I took him out to shop I would be clean faced. He was horrified and I could see that he wanted me to be exactly what he expected... .never a real person, just an object that he needed to be his fantasy. It makes me sick to my stomach now, as I had no idea that he was using me to feed his sick needs. NC for a year and still mad... .still learning and educating myself as to what I own in this. 
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LW1968
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« Reply #9 on: December 01, 2010, 08:47:59 AM »

My husband does not recall any sexual abuse, but our therapist and my domestic violence counselor have both told me that it likely did happen and he hasn't removed the mental blocks that are covering it up.

The therapist is currently working with him on appropriate boundaries for his mother.  I expect this is going to be a very stressful couple of weeks for him.  I am anticipating revelations or discoveries that might turn his stomach.
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kleen66
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« Reply #10 on: December 01, 2010, 06:16:20 PM »

Yes, the older women.  My BPDh definitely has a thing for that.  Although, I jokingly told him the other day, you know, I am one of those "older women" now.  He didn't laugh too hard.  I think there was something hinky with his mom.  Definitely covert sexual abuse from her if not outright physical.

Also,  I had the delightful pleasure a couple of years ago of finding out my husband was addicted to internet porn.  He is a sex addict.  Mostly, it is fantasies, nothing ever physical happened, although it was headed that way.  It hurt just as much as if he had had an affair when I found out.  Now he is in SA and has a sponsor, etc.  I think he has a grip on the addiction.  Now he overeats instead!
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taralita
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« Reply #11 on: December 02, 2010, 11:42:27 AM »

My dxBPD is a sex addict.  When he is in altered chemical states it is more profound and risky.  I for one love sex, and enjoy it with him alot.  But there is an element of danger with him at times.  He is very, very into Shemales/TS/TV and while I have absolutely no judgment on that and am very opened minded, his pursuit of them via internet porn, craigslist and backpage is worrisome.  Again, when he does drugs his sexuality becomes illogical. 

I have often felt that there is nothing wrong with being freaky, there is nothing wrong with enjoying a drink, and for some, there is nothing wrong with even engaging in activities which alter one's state, but when it comes at the expense of being able to treat human beings in your life right, then you have a problem.

If one's moral compass isn't directed enough to value people's feelings and your relationships to them, then addiction of any sort seems to emerge. 

I think with most of us nons, we know when to prioritize our realities and responsibilities and obligations to the individuals in our life and have behaviors, sexual or otherwise, take a back seat when necessary.  My dxBPD seems to have no such regulatory mechanism. 
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dreamer321
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« Reply #12 on: December 02, 2010, 10:32:07 PM »

I really honestly want to understand this propensity toward addictions with our BPDs -what drives them to something so obsessive in nature-they have blinders on toward everything else-a desperate need to escape?  Mine has an addiction to me right now-he is not my so but why -just  because I am single and living on my own all of a sudden he can't think of anything but sex with me-night and day-almost puts me in the whore state with him and I am nothing like that-but like he needs to think of me like that-and he knows nothing else-that is who I must be-just because I am single-he can't even be with me in my apt. without getting a huge boner-I can't even talk to him and now he tells me he wants oral sex. Where is the friend I used to have? What happened to him? Just a lot of questions and no answers.
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kleen66
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« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2010, 01:29:37 PM »

I believe addictions are a way of self medicating.  The propensity of it in BPDs probably comes from the absolute sadness and misery they are in.  Yes, it is an escape.  I am a recovering alcoholic. Been sober 15 years.  For me it was absolutely a way of self medicating and not having the tools to deal with real life.  I had to get sober and learn them, not easy, but possible.
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ohash

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« Reply #14 on: December 03, 2010, 04:33:15 PM »

I believe addictions are a way of self medicating.  The propensity of it in BPDs probably comes from the absolute sadness and misery they are in.  Yes, it is an escape.  I am a recovering alcoholic. Been sober 15 years.  For me it was absolutely a way of self medicating and not having the tools to deal with real life.  I had to get sober and learn them, not easy, but possible.

My exBPDbf is a really smart guy... .it's one of the things that made me love him so much.  He has actually told me, verbatim, that when he goes out looking for other women, he is self-medicating.  The attention they give him makes him feel so good and like such a stud that he can't help it.  He forgets about the other crap for a while because someone is turning him on.  I understand that and it's nice to see him understanding why he behaves the way he does... .it's just really sad because a lot of great things in life pass you by or get thrown away because of the self-medicating. 
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dreamer321
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« Reply #15 on: December 03, 2010, 05:19:19 PM »

Thanks kleen 66 that really helps me-he did say to me he is enjoying the attention from me right now-the bubbles, moods, or whatever you call them-change according to the circumstances and now I see it does stem from a need to feel better about himself in some way.  At first he wanted nothing to do with being with me that way, now it is all he talks about and tries hard to resist me by not stopping by-it is so ultra controlled and I am just sitting here saying, "what was that?"  I am the same me, I havent changed but in his eyes I have changed, I am beautiful, alluring and sexy all of a sudden-I guess I am flattered but I know the black side is just on the other side... .
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Fubar
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« Reply #16 on: December 03, 2010, 05:31:45 PM »

On a slightly different note, I'm surprised there's not more talk of addiction among the nons.  It seems like if any group would be prone, it would be those living with pwBPD.  Not only because of the stresses, but because of the traits that would draw us and hold us in these dysfunctional relationships.

I can't believe that I'm unique in needing to self medicate.  And even though I avoided full-blown addiction, the pieces were in place:

Denial of my circumstances

Denial of my own needs

Suppression of normal behaviors and an overall feeling of oppression.

Feeling trapped and hopeless.

I just wanted to feel better.

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lurkingposter

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« Reply #17 on: December 03, 2010, 06:14:02 PM »

My exBPDgf told me that she craved sex with people because for a few minutes it gave her a connection with them, and she craved that intimate connection she wasn't able to achieve in any other way.
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taralita
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« Reply #18 on: December 03, 2010, 08:17:46 PM »

On a slightly different note, I'm surprised there's not more talk of addiction among the nons.  It seems like if any group would be prone, it would be those living with pwBPD.  Not only because of the stresses, but because of the traits that would draw us and hold us in these dysfunctional relationships.

I can't believe that I'm unique in needing to self medicate.  And even though I avoided full-blown addiction, the pieces were in place:

Denial of my circumstances

Denial of my own needs

Suppression of normal behaviors and an overall feeling of oppression.

Feeling trapped and hopeless.

I just wanted to feel better.

Thank you for this post.I can say yes to each and everyone of those statements.    I too can say that no full blown addiction developed to some pretty involved experiences, mainly I think because of my self worth and obligations in my life.  I am more referring to drugs here.  Perhaps this should be a separately started topic?  Because you are absolutely right, we are so very prone and rehabs and 12 step groups are filled with countless individuals who did not turn to drugs or alcohol for any reason other than to deal with a controlling person or appease a controlling person in their lives.




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kleen66
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« Reply #19 on: December 04, 2010, 12:07:13 PM »

On a slightly different note, I'm surprised there's not more talk of addiction among the nons.  It seems like if any group would be prone, it would be those living with pwBPD.  Not only because of the stresses, but because of the traits that would draw us and hold us in these dysfunctional relationships.

I can't believe that I'm unique in needing to self medicate.
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kleen66
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« Reply #20 on: December 04, 2010, 12:12:18 PM »

On a slightly different note, I'm surprised there's not more talk of addiction among the nons.  It seems like if any group would be prone, it would be those living with pwBPD.  Not only because of the stresses, but because of the traits that would draw us and hold us in these dysfunctional relationships.

I can't believe that I'm unique in needing to self medicate.

[/quote




I agree, I was sober during most of my marraige and became so depressed that my psych told me I have been depressed so long that I will probably have to be on meds forever.  It literally changes your brain chemistry.  So,  sober but still needing meds... .sigh... .I am sure there are many of us nons that have used different coping mechanisms - not necessarily healthy.  It would be a good topic for a new thread.  

By the way ? ,how do you post a quote and then write your own post outside of the quote box?  As you can see, I don't know how to do that, sorry!
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Fubar
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« Reply #21 on: December 05, 2010, 03:57:25 AM »

Excerpt
By the way ? ,how do you post a quote and then write your own post outside of the quote box?  As you can see, I don't know how to do that, sorry!

Just make sure you start typing after the "[/quote]
"

And be careful to not delete the last bracket.

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WhyNot
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« Reply #22 on: December 05, 2010, 06:11:51 AM »

On a slightly different note, I'm surprised there's not more talk of addiction among the nons.  It seems like if any group would be prone, it would be those living with pwBPD.  Not only because of the stresses, but because of the traits that would draw us and hold us in these dysfunctional relationships.

I can't believe that I'm unique in needing to self medicate.  And even though I avoided full-blown addiction, the pieces were in place:

Denial of my circumstances

Denial of my own needs

Suppression of normal behaviors and an overall feeling of oppression.

Feeling trapped and hopeless.

I just wanted to feel better.

Hey Fubar, there with you.  I drink a glass of wine each night to help ease into nighttime and try to forget my circumstances.  I cantr drinkmuch, so a glass of red will do... .hey and its healthy.  But when he's in one of his grudges... .I do feel a slight "need" to have that glass of wine... .self medicate... .probably to help deal.  But I also take rescue remedy when he is full blown tantruming... .it can be quite terrifying and I was starting to have mini panic attacks... .I knew I had to stop that.  Good point you brought up!

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WhyNot
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« Reply #23 on: December 05, 2010, 06:17:59 AM »

As for the fetish thing... .mine also craves anal sex and older women.  I too, used to be worried about younger, more fit tall ladies like every ex he has before little ole petite me... .I was so wrong!  I am actually turning into that preference each year I get older.  I used to have the anal with him, but when he became obsessive abot it one night and forceful when I was a little resistant... .I closed the back door. 

He is overly attached to his cold, mom.  She never hugs.  She apparently spent time lining up 200 mens baseball caps on husbands bed, every day!  Perfectly lined up his sister said.  One of sisters is cold like my husband and the other likes hugs and contact, alot... .huggling anyone.  I love them all, and wondering what else went on.
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« Reply #24 on: December 05, 2010, 06:37:12 AM »

Excerpt
Anyone know of any correlation between sex addiction and BPD?  specifically fetish addiction?

Does the hair have anything to do with domination? Borderlines seek reward and offer themselves as sex partners in order to feel valued. The exchange of sex fuels their self esteem if their partner is pleased with their performance. No, it is not a sexual addiction.  It is a recreation of an internal part self, one who is punitive and chastising.

BTW, Oral sex is not a fetish. Masturbation is not a fetish. Both are normal behaviors. The suffering or humiliation of oneself or one's partner is what is *not* normal; it is what is known as a paraphilia.  Borderlines are people in mental bondage, and they feel a sense of power in S&M and fantasy because it is much easier than reality.  Borderlines constantly seek reward. Reward is found in fantasy objects.

 

Some people choose to deny their own pain- they deplore weakness, yet seek it out in others-those are Narcissists and psychopaths.  Some people choose powerlessness with the “help” of another human being in much the same way they might take a drink to take the edge off- those are the Borderlines. It is a compulsion for a *feeling*- not a sexual addiction. The two are completely different.

According to Alice Miller:

"As the child grows up, he cannot cease living his own truth, and expressing it somewhere, perhaps in complete secrecy. In this way a person can have adapted completely to the demands of his surroundings and can have developed a false self, but in his perversion or his obsessional neurosis he still allows a portion of his true self to survive—in torment.

And so the true self lives on, under the same conditions as the child once did with his disgusted mother, whom in the meantime he has introjected. In his perversion and obsessions he constantly reenacts the same drama: a horrified mother is necessary before drive-satisfaction is possible: orgasm (for instance, with a fetish) can only be achieved in a climate of self-contempt; criticism can only be expressed in (seemingly) absurd, unaccountable (frightening), obsessional fantasies.

Nothing will serve better to acquaint us with the hidden tragedy of certain unconscious mother-child relationships than the analysis of a perversion or an obsessional neurosis. For in such an analysis we witness the destructive power of the compulsion to repeat, and that compulsion's dumb, unconscious communication in the shaping of its drama.

A person who suffers under his perversion bears within himself his mother's rejection, and thus he flaunts his per-version, in order to get others to reject him, too, all the time—so reexternalizing the rejecting mother.

For this reason he feels compelled to do things that his circle and society disapprove of and despise. If society were suddenly to honor his form of perversion (as may happen in certain circles), he would have to change his compulsion, but it would not free him.

And since another human being is needed- a great deal of time is spent looking for and appraising potential sexual partners (objects)according to how well they can fuel the fetish. The preference for a behavior or erotic fantasy in which lust is attached to fantasies that are socially forbidden, disapproved of, ridiculed, or penalized- isn't pretty, it isn't freeing to the Soul- it's the (self) defeat of intimacy and the reaction formations of some very hurt people.  Idea

What he needs is not permission to use one or another fetish, but the disgusted and horrified eyes of another human. If he comes to analysis he will look for this in his analyst, too, and will have to use all possible means to provoke him to disgust, horror, and aversion. This provocation is of course a part of the transference, and from the incipient counter-transference reactions one can surmise what happened at the beginning of his life.

www.scribd.com/doc/2318932/The-Drama-of-the-Gifted-Child

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