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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Too Tired  (Read 1281 times)
ve01603
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« on: December 02, 2010, 10:14:24 PM »

I made the mistake of letting him pick me up when I came back from New York and started seeing him a little bit again.  Then he turned into a monster again.  He came over here on Tuesday night and wanted to use the computer to do continuing ed.  Of course he waited until the last night because he was too busy partying and smoking dope before. 

Anyway, I let him come over because it is his computer but I pay for the Internet.  I taught him to use the computer but he did not know how to navigate his on line course and he bullied me and forced me to practically do it for him.  It was awful. Pure abuse and he said that if I didn't he would take the furniture that he left here.  We have his mattress and I gave mine to my son, so I don't have one.  Anyway I could not wait for him to leave and I had to get up at 5:30 the next morning so that I could do my homework because I didn't get to use the computer the night before.

I was so exhausted that I didn't know how I'd make it through the day.  I finally decided that I just can't do this anymore.  Not with a full time job and school.
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2010
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« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2010, 10:43:07 PM »

Excerpt
I made the mistake of letting him pick me up when I came back from New York and started seeing him a little bit again.



I made the choice of asking him to pick me up from the airport so we could start again where we left off

Excerpt
Then he turned into a monster again.

He acted his usual self.

Excerpt
Anyway, I let him come over because it is his computer but I pay for the Internet.

I must make plans to give him his computer back and buy my own.

Excerpt
I taught him to use the computer but he did not know how to navigate his on line course and he bullied me and forced me to practically do it for him.

I taught him that I am indispensable to his best interests and am willing to sacrifice my own chance at a career so he will succeed.

Excerpt
he said that if I didn't he would take the furniture that he left here.  We have his mattress and I gave mine to my son, so I don't have one.

I must give him his furniture back and buy my own mattress.

Excerpt
I finally decided that I just can't do this anymore.  Not with a full time job and school.

Good.
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cmk
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« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2010, 04:01:01 AM »

Boy, 2010 sure tells it like it is!
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ve01603
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« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2010, 04:23:15 AM »

Boy, 2010 sure tells it like it is!

I guess!  Good thing by now I have some pretty thick skin. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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ve01603
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« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2010, 04:25:32 AM »

You know the bad thing is that I work in the brokerage business and a lot of the people act like my ex.  They are demanding, bullying, self centered, etc.  So I never got a break from it and I am very tough.

I hate to think what mine would have done to someone that was more fragile.  He would have destroyed them I guess.
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lostoc
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« Reply #5 on: December 03, 2010, 10:13:30 AM »

2010 is some kind of BPD genius. I interpreted your message much the same way though VE. You have the power to control your life, you just chose not to at that moment.
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ve01603
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« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2010, 07:25:28 AM »

I know.  It's called lonlieness.  I had to go to a Holiday Event for work last night.  I was one of the only people without a date.  Sucks.
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2010
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« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2010, 05:54:29 PM »

Excerpt
I know.  It's called lonlieness.

Let's talk about that. Loneliness is a paradox, that is, you can also be lonely even when you are with someone.

When I am with a Narcissist, Borderline or Histrionic- any of the cluster B people, I am lifted into the World of "what's next?" I am never on the same page as these people, unless I am trying to control them (if they agree to go along with me.) Controlling them keeps me moving forward with a sense of purpose and hope of finally being understood.  Yet these people consistently lead me away from my best intentions- which is parity and equality in exchange for my efforts. Eventually I end up in a quagmire where the uncontrollable human being cannot be controlled, and I feel a sense of shame and frustration (powerless-ness) that my life has been hijacked. I am right back where I started again. 

It's at that point that I feel very lonely- and yet I am not alone. I am with another person. This person now works me over the coals and makes me feel guilty if I stop responding to them. They are (and have been) very effective at using blame and shame to control me. My loneliness is now a matter of failed attempts at getting my needs met- but whether or not I wish to see it, my chances for diminishing my loneliness by staying with this person are about 15%. The rest of the time (85%) will be the world of What's next? and that world is filled with anxiety, fear, stress and frustration.  That World is not going away no matter what I do.

Loneliness can also imply inaction. Basically, I have nowhere to go and no one to be with.  The inaction is what causes people like me to despair. It's not that there's nowhere to go- but there's no sense of purpose to it. That sense of purpose was once HUGE- and fraught with all sorts of failed efforts to help me curb my loneliness. It involved another human being that behaved horrendously and I gave enough efforts to change their World, in the hopes that my World would be better. Unfortunately, their World was self centered and devoid of equality and consequently, mine was too.

Leaving that World meant leaving the fantasy behind. The fantasy has to be grieved. (The memories of the fantasy have to be kept intact. That means no blurring of lines by bringing in another person.) Being alone feels awful- but with each break down you'll uncover exactly what the feelings were about the loss of the ideal.  With each crying jag you'll bring to the surface what's recessed in your psyche that needs to come out.  It's not that this person you struggled with was ideal- it was the idea of him that mattered. Eventually you'll find a common thread in the abandonment sadness that goes back into your early days and dreams- of exactly what type of person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and why that ideal keeps getting sidetracked away from the goal. This person was an amalgam of that ideal along with your earliest power struggles.  Those power struggles came from the people who raised you. They also let you down. The fantasy was that you would never be left behind and everything would be taken care of- but it also implies training toward that goal. The training is important to review.

Unfortunately, in our adult lives, we choose people who give us a run for our money in order to reclaim our original attempts at being heard. Even when we aren't gamblers, we often find people who, despite all our efforts, force us to lose ourselves.  Sometimes, being alone and being lonely are a good thing if it stops our continuing cycle of losing ourselves. Losing our time and effort and self in a repetitious compulsion has to be stopped. One day we do stop. We are alone. In time we come away with a new understanding of self and see that being alone and being lonely implies inaction- and that's OK. This is our correction. We are correct in stopping. Eventually, we are correct in starting again- but only on our own time frame and only after we decide what's in our best interest. Inaction becomes action again. In the smallest steps at first, we have action towards a new goal, a new dream, a new life, and move away from the fantasy that cannot be fulfilled with a personality disordered partner. 

It's OK to take it one day at a time.  Buy yourself a small scented candle, listen to some holiday music- go to a Church Choral or Holiday service by yourself.  Your social life may be on hold, but it wont be this way forever. This is an important time to consider solitude -allow yourself some moments of grief but remember, feelings pass. You will get through this and whether or not you realize it, you are changing and getting stronger every day.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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liveandlearn
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« Reply #8 on: December 04, 2010, 07:31:39 PM »

Wow 2010!  I need to print your response and read it daily!  Thanks!
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needPeace
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« Reply #9 on: December 04, 2010, 11:43:19 PM »

Thanks 2010

I so needed to read exactly that.  Your words are so true... .

I am accepting and appreciating my state... .it is a good thing Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Stronger, Better, Smarter
ve01603
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« Reply #10 on: December 05, 2010, 01:36:03 PM »

Excerpt
It's OK to take it one day at a time.  Buy yourself a small scented candle, listen to some holiday music- go to a Church Choral or Holiday service by yourself.  Your social life may be on hold, but it wont be this way forever. This is an important time to consider solitude -allow yourself some moments of grief but remember, feelings pass. You will get through this and whether or not you realize it, you are changing and getting stronger every day. 

Yes, I am.  Thank you and thank you for your time.  Now on the rare occasion that I am around him, I am anxious to get away and wondering what I wanted it for.  When he left me and I spent so much time away from him, I started to get used to what was normal again.  I didn't realize how abnormal things had become.  Each time I see him, I come closer and closer to not contacting him again.  It's like a actually feel sorry for him now; and sad for both of us that we can never have what I thought that we could have.
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