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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Abusive Relationship Dynamics- the Double Standard  (Read 2568 times)
roses89431
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« on: December 14, 2010, 08:41:26 PM »

I have come to wonder about this... .In any kind of abusive relationship whether it be work, friend, family, a significant other; there is always the double standard. The abusive person can say or do anything they want and it is okay for them. But the minute you stand up for yourself even if you lose your temper you are raked over the coals- they hold it against you forever- or you are banished. Does anyone find this is true?

As my point of reference it was like this with my former boss E. The minute I stood up for myself and lost my temper because I couldn't take it anymore she banished me and everything was my fault.
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« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2010, 09:00:50 PM »

Bosses make decisions. Your job is to move on when those decisions are abusive. Some of the most successful people worked for bad bosses- quit and then went on to form their own companies to great success *in spite* of the bad abuse they experienced. The beauty of a democracy is that you can move on to greener pastures without remaining a slave to the delusions of a self centered persona.  Acceptance of Narcissists in the workplace is the first step toward understanding how they work with your participation. Narcissists use people and consider them expendable. Best to acknowledge your Boss as a ticking time bomb. No, there's no way you can return to respect. Yes, this did have to happen and it was for the best. Getting away from this person is the better hope for a fulfilling life.
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grimalkin
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« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2010, 10:30:09 PM »

I have come to wonder about this... .In any kind of abusive relationship whether it be work, friend, family, a significant other; there is always the double standard. The abusive person can say or do anything they want and it is okay for them. But the minute you stand up for yourself even if you lose your temper you are raked over the coals- they hold it against you forever- or you are banished. Does anyone find this is true?

As my point of reference it was like this with my former boss E. The minute I stood up for myself and lost my temper because I couldn't take it anymore she banished me and everything was my fault.

Yes.  Absolutely.  I don't understand the logic at all.

Grim
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FoolishOne
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« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2010, 10:51:06 PM »

It truly is one of the most frustrating aspects of dealing with people wBPD.
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fogbound
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« Reply #4 on: December 14, 2010, 11:37:23 PM »

There is NOTHING more demeaning and frustrating than to not to be able to defend one's self against false allegations or to be denied one's point of view. The level of crazy making under those circumstances is off the page.
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grimalkin
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« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2010, 11:40:02 AM »

Word.  If I defended myself, or even just tried to discuss whatever he had an issuse with rationally or simply disagreed with his point of view, my ex accused me of "arguing" and proceed to get get louder and more abusive.  I wasn't allowed to "argue" with him.  All "arguments" were blamed on me even though he'd be the one shouting and verbally assaulting me.

Grim
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movinforward89
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« Reply #6 on: December 15, 2010, 02:12:33 PM »

Yes - I relate well to this.  I have way too many examples to share on here, but it was almost like every issue revolved around a double standard.  "I'm gonna screw around on you but you're expected to be loyal and pine for me when I ignore your texts and calls... .heaven FORBID, though... .if you go out and date someone else, and if I try to call or text you and you don't answer... .watch out, because here comes the verbal abuse, raised voice, rage, etc... ."

Yep, that pretty much sums up the entire last 2.5 years of my life.  My question is... .how in the world are they so manipulative and so good at bringing you back around, believing their lies?  I believe I've met the master of them all. 
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WalrusGumboot
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Two years out and getting better all the time!


« Reply #7 on: December 15, 2010, 03:12:25 PM »

This is very true with my uBPDw. She justifies her behavior by saying she is dealing with all kinds of stress due to people issues, that husbands should be there for their wife and should take whatever she shovels out and be strong enough to take it. Any defensive words are taken as trying to turn the tables and showing lack of support and "kicking her while she is down". It is pure crazy.
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"If your're going through hell, keep going..." Winston Churchill
js friend
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« Reply #8 on: December 16, 2010, 05:07:56 AM »

Word.  If I defended myself, or even just tried to discuss whatever he had an issuse with rationally or simply disagreed with his point of view, my ex accused me of "arguing" and proceed to get get louder and more abusive.  I wasn't allowed to "argue" with him.  All "arguments" were blamed on me even though he'd be the one shouting and verbally assaulting me.

OMG Same here.

1 of exh many double standards was to hang up on me during phone calls.He also did this a few times to our d.D did it back to him during a phone call she was having with him. He was really annoyed that she had done this and told me about it. and said "Thats the last time she does anything like that to me again"I pointed out to him that he had done this to us many times.Exs response was " Well,that was different" ?

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Ximene
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« Reply #9 on: December 16, 2010, 05:42:26 AM »

Great post!

I call the double standard:  "Emotional Tyranny"

you have to be there for them, but they are not for you.

Many, many times they are capable to set clear boundaries for them, but they not respect yours.

They can hang the phone, ignore you, mistreat you, cheat on you, abuse you... .but you can not even comment that you do not like their haircut

Assymetric relationships!

Best

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El Greco
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« Reply #10 on: December 16, 2010, 02:23:39 PM »

4 years of hardly getting any support from her, well just the first year when she was the princess I had been waiting for.

We'd spend 24/7 talking about her problems, problems that had to do with my behavior, not hers of course but when I mentioned my frustrations she said things like: "well, you knew what was wrong with you".

Than after 3,5 years I say: "baby you got me on my knees, everything I have is yours".

She looks up at me and says: "Is that all you got?" 
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jillmercay
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« Reply #11 on: December 16, 2010, 02:28:00 PM »

OMG! How TRUE that observation is. Even before we decided to move in together I used to tell my BPD partner that one of his major quirks is that he does not do unto others as he would have them do unto him. I think he thinks he's exempt to his own rules.
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