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Author Topic: Re: Gut feeling  (Read 3255 times)
BillP
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« on: December 17, 2010, 10:04:20 AM »

Okay, get ready to give me grief for this, but this is my gameplan. I will not block her from anything. Simple reason is, I know she will never be back. Why would she. She's kept this dirty secret from the world for over 30 yrs. Only one person knows all of the sordid details. And that's yours truly. I'm not being naive here either. The power has now officially shifted to me. And I alone will never allow her to creep back into my life.

Here's how I see it. If I could beat her down last night with the truth, she will not dear come near me for fear of hearing or reading the truth. Besides, if she does come back, in any way, shape or form, I will not engage or espond. I got out every last ounce of grief, pain, suffering, anger, revenge, everything! The tank has been emptied. It is a great feeling that never again, will her slings and arrows effect me.

I'm telling all of you, she will never come back! I am most certain of this! But, should the Monster decide to return, I will go back to the playbook that has allowed me to move away from that useless form of a human being. Never again!

My current fav song is: Godsmack - Awake. Check out the lyrics, and you might a better understanding of where my head is.
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El Greco
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« Reply #1 on: December 17, 2010, 10:20:16 AM »

Okay, get ready to give me grief for this, but this is my gameplan. I will not block her from anything. Simple reason is, I know she will never be back. Why would she. She's kept this dirty secret from the world for over 30 yrs. Only one person knows all of the sordid details. And that's yours truly. I'm not being naive here either. The power has now officially shifted to me. And I alone will never allow her to creep back into my life.

Here's how I see it. If I could beat her down last night with the truth, she will not dear come near me for fear of hearing or reading the truth. Besides, if she does come back, in any way, shape or form, I will not engage or espond. I got out every last ounce of grief, pain, suffering, anger, revenge, everything! The tank has been emptied. It is a great feeling that never again, will her slings and arrows effect me.

I'm telling all of you, she will never come back! I am most certain of this! But, should the Monster decide to return, I will go back to the playbook that has allowed me to move away from that useless form of a human being. Never again!

My current fav song is: Godsmack - Awake. Check out the lyrics, and you might a better understanding of where my head is.

I'm not here to give you grief, far from it, but any psychologist will tell you you contradict yourself in what you just wrote: "she will never" but than immediately say "should she".

If this is as done for you as you say than why not block her?

What the damage if you do than?

But let's drop it, we're here to help each other so if this is how you feel and you feel good with that, than all the power to you.
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BillP
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« Reply #2 on: December 17, 2010, 10:43:24 AM »

Sir, you are correct. I did contradict myself, didn't I? Didn't mean to. I guess I was looking more at a global scheme of things. I really do believe I've heard the last of her. That's why there's no need to block her. I was merely specualting that, shold she return, there's plenty more of what she got last night.

I just have this funny feeling that, with me having this knowledge of all her dirty little secrets, and the fact that she did not deny ANY of it, leads me to believe that she knows, I will not fall prey to her ways anymore. I think I put the fear into her last night. She simply tried to defelect everything. But I would not have any of that B.S... Plus, bringing up some of the most horrific things in her life, I know, will keep her from ever looking this way again. I think that's what she wants as well.

I believe she might think, hey, if he's out of my life, then I can keep my secrets to myself, and no one else will ever have to know.
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El Greco
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« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2010, 10:49:58 AM »

You just need to vent a little more, and that's logical, read how many "she's" in your last post.

So we make a deal, next post you're gonna write is gonna be just "me's", not one "she", is not as easy as it sounds.

How do you feel?
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BillP
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« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2010, 11:51:04 AM »

I feel pretty damn good this morning. It's a beautiful day here. I'm on my game here at work (finally). I have made the decision that no one will ever make me feel this way again. I am refocusing my energies on the things in this world that are going to make me happy. I've gotten to this point by all of the support that I received, both here and from family, & friends, and those whose I've met along the extremely difficult journey.

My life is about being positive and staying true o the values set before me by those who have led by example. Mostly, the wonderful folks here who have had the courage to share thier stories. It inspires me to do the same, and never look back. No need to carry a ball & chain if you don't need to, right?
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« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2010, 11:53:57 AM »

BillP:

At this very moment... .when you are feeling this "high"... .rather than think all is well and the ruminations (demons/fleas) won't return, now is the perfect time to jot down or record all the reasons why you are strong right now... .so when you hit those weak moments, you can reflect on when you were stronger.

Trust me... .you'll need that for survival.

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Manon46
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« Reply #6 on: December 17, 2010, 04:22:05 PM »

Hey Bill...

Glad you made the decision to hit the send button, and that you feel so relieved... .it can be that it was your closure, and that it will work out fine for you this way... and for your sake I hope that she will never return to you, or that you will ever hear a sound again from her and that you frightened her enough to stay away...

I hope your relief continues, that you will stay much lighter that you were before sending it...

I can relate, did it myself many many times, and felt so much better afterwards... .

But promise... when it does start gnawing after a few days... .post here... .cause we all have been where you are, and maybe you are one of the less where it does work this way... if not... if this creepy feeling will start nagging in your head... if the voices of your head vs gut start to argue again... gnawing its way in... .post here... .x
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BillP
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« Reply #7 on: December 17, 2010, 04:26:37 PM »

I'd like to add one last thing if you don't mind. There are 2 main reasons why I am extremely confident as to knowing that the ex will never come back.

1 is: I let her know that I wished her better success on her next suicide attempt. If she is successful, it will the first and only thing she would have accomplished on her own, and that the world would be better off without her. As she is a predator, and will continue to do to others what her parents did to here. Which is, to ruin lives!

2 and this is the most difficult of all. She did confirm that she was "servicing" her dad when he passed. This is very difficult to post, and is was more so when I confronted her on it. She will never look my way because I know all of the disguisting vile things her dad made her do. Even when he was bed-riddened and on oxygen tanks. To know that while I thought I was making love to the woman that I dedicated my entire life to being with, she would get up, go into another room, and do the same thing with her dad. I can only imagine how painful emotionally that had to be for her. To say the least.

It is for these 2 main reasons, I know, she will never come back. She could never look me in the face, and deal with what I now know about this situation.

I get no joy out of any of this, and it not painful for me anymore, but it just makes me realize how sad her entire life has been. I will however, continue to pray that maybe, someday she will get the help she deserves.  And yet, I know for myself to continue to grow and move forward in this world, she cannot ever have one more second of my life. And now, she won't.

Thanks again everyone for all that you have done for me. From the bottom of what's left of my heart, I do appreciate it, and thank you. May you all be blessed.
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Manon46
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« Reply #8 on: December 17, 2010, 04:40:34 PM »

Oh God... .that is so horrifying... .how could she be different than she is when that is your secret... how hard for her it must be to live with herself... .I am sorry for your pain Bill... but I am truely sorry for hers too... .I am really sorry for both of you... .:'(
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BillP
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« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2010, 06:25:30 PM »

And yet, I remember something my T told me very early on. He said: if you want to make sure that ppl with this illness don't come back, you have to be as cold and as callous as they be. So, with that little nugget of knowledge, I made the very difficult decision to press this particular issue. And I knew something like this had happened in her past because of certain things during sex that always occurred.

It is so embarrassing for me, that I will never share those details with anyone ever in my life. That piece of wonderful experience I get to take with me to the grave. I know alot of guys would have dumped her butt after the suicide attmept, and they would have been right to do so. But, I thought, I could show her that all men do not treat women like that. And that I could be a very good attentive partner. Who loving and caring. And for my troubles, I get to deal with these lifetime scars.

A friend told me that, mmaybe if I slapped her around a little she'd still have wanted me around. Pretty sick to think these things. It just amazes me how these ppl can treat so only want to be so understanding, and caring for them, have a way of treating us like something they have on the bottom of their shoes.

Yeah, she's coming back. When hell freezes over she will!
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BillP
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« Reply #10 on: December 18, 2010, 05:15:54 PM »

I hope you all don't mind, but a quick update & question for you all. I talked to a T last night, and told him verbatim what I sent in the emails to the ex and her responses. He said, in his 37 yrs of dealing with ppl with mental issues he had never heard of anyone delivering such an email/letter like what I did. He said most ppl get emotions involved in such things. I was void of virtually all emotions, I let the ex know that the boundaries and walls are set to not allow her back in ever! He commended me on staying on point, sticking to the facts, and not waivering.

From her responses he told me, no question about it, everything I mentioned was truthful because of the way/manner in which she responded. He told me this is normal behavior responses from those who choose to not accept or admit the truth, but try to deflect and project, as opposed to admit or deny. He said, man, you hit the bullseye dead on! However, he did scold me for being childish with the last few emails I sent her. Yeah, guilty here. I was just being a dink! I was actually just goofing around. But I was wrong for that.

Now, here's what he told me, and I 'd like to get your response(s), if you don't mind. He said, I know most will tell you she's coming back, but I'm going to tell you why she's going to come back. Because she has the exact same relationship with you as she did with her dad. She loved her dad because he protected her & took care of her financially. So did you. She hated him for what he did to her, but was too afraid to confront him. For fear of losing that protection & financial stability. She hates you because you know the whole truth about her abuse, but more importantly, you know who she is, and why she is that way. You can't be manipulated by her again. The power or control, has now been shifted to you.

Right now, he said, she doesn't want to be 1000ft. near you. However, in time, she will come back. That is, unless she is so unable to humble herself to come back and talk to you. But more liely than not, she will rationalize that you were right about what you wrote, and ask for your forgiveness. And she will do it with an Oscar winning performance. However, here's the twist. She will do it with real genuine feelings for you. But keep in mind, they will not last long.

I welcome your responses.

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left4good
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« Reply #11 on: December 18, 2010, 05:31:25 PM »

Your therapist is right

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Crystal Ball
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« Reply #12 on: December 18, 2010, 05:35:44 PM »

Your therapist is right

Agreed!  Read these boards... .it may take a while (years sometimes), but they eventually come back.  Have you decided what you will do?  Will you remain NC?
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BillP
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« Reply #13 on: December 18, 2010, 05:59:20 PM »

Crystal, I will remain n/c. I'm done with the ex. I got what I need off my chest. Sadly, I also got confrimation on details that will horrify me for the rest of my days. But, I am certain the Monster will never return, and that I have nothing left to say to her. I am tired, just plain exhausted from this. And yet, the relief feels really good. Like alot of stress has bee removed from my shoulders.

Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Crystal Ball
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« Reply #14 on: December 18, 2010, 08:00:09 PM »

And yet, the relief feels really good. Like alot of stress has been removed from my shoulders.

And so I hope you can begin to heal and move forward in peace.   x
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anker
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« Reply #15 on: December 18, 2010, 09:09:20 PM »

 If she contacts you will you ignore it and not contact her?

Having an enmity that's active is still engaging with someone.
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« Reply #16 on: December 19, 2010, 12:29:15 AM »

... and this is the most difficult of all. She did confirm that she was "servicing" her dad when he passed.

Bill, that is not something you should be sharing publicly, regardless of how you feel about your ex or how she treated you.  It serves no purpose.

Excerpt
I get no joy out of any of this

If that's true, then please stop gloating about how she will never come back (you really don't know that) and how much better you are than her.  You need to be better for YOU.

Excerpt
... she cannot ever have one more second of my life.



Like anker said, having enmity is still engaging.  Stop enagaging.  Work on you.  She's gone, right?
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BillP
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« Reply #17 on: December 19, 2010, 08:16:49 PM »

If she contacts you will you ignore it and not contact her?

Having an enmity that's active is still engaging with someone.

Absolutely! n/c means n/c. No reason anymore to engage the ex.

Now, as far as sharing certain information publicly. Is this not a forum to discuss what we've experienced, feelings, etc... .If exposing the most hurtful thing I will ever experience to the folks here in an effort to purge the negative feelings, and it helps me with my recovery, isn't that a positive thing for me? It was not intended to hurt or offend anyone. And if it has, I truly am sorry. At the time of the posting, I was so devastated and hurt but the confirmation of this information. While also only imaging what the ex had to go through to do what she did, and how she will never get better just from dealing with that one episode. I'm sorry for allowing my emotions to get the better of me when decivering what information to share. I promise, it won't happen again.
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« Reply #18 on: December 19, 2010, 08:38:02 PM »

Ssg I think you were a bit harsh. It was probably something bill needed to say. Its an anonymous forum. Carrying that inside him may have been just to much weight.  If it provided some release from the pain that caused him I see no problem in that. 
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« Reply #19 on: December 19, 2010, 08:56:00 PM »

Agreed. We end up holding on to so many of their secrets ourselves that it makes letting go even more difficult. Im in that boat anyway
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Mystic
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« Reply #20 on: December 19, 2010, 08:59:51 PM »

yep, like the saying goes, we're only as sick as our secrets.  Not an issue, Bill. 
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« Reply #21 on: December 19, 2010, 09:17:32 PM »

I learned of some secrets a few nights ago! I came here! I wont use her secret to destroy her, but I'm not going to keep that stuff locked up inside either! It needs to be expressed so we don't harbor the guilt too. This place is great... .anonymous!

I understand why you did what you did bill!  No harm here!

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« Reply #22 on: December 19, 2010, 10:03:59 PM »

Ssg I think you were a bit harsh. It was probably something bill needed to say. Its an anonymous forum. Carrying that inside him may have been just to much weight.  If it provided some release from the pain that caused him I see no problem in that. 

I respectfully disagree.

How would you feel if you told someone a secret like that and they blabbed it on a message board?  If Bill really needed to release it, he could have told a T or someone that he trusts will keep it private.  If anything, his wording was harsh: "servicing her father".  I understand he is angry, however blabbing his ex-partner's secret to a bunch of strangers on the Internet is not the way to work through that.  Some things should stay private.

I am in no way sticking up for the ex, as she obviously did very hurtful things to Bill.  Revealing her sexual abuse is not going to change any of that, so why say it?

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« Reply #23 on: December 19, 2010, 10:13:11 PM »

yep, like the saying goes, we're only as sick as our secrets.  Not an issue, Bill. 

It wasn't his secret, though.  That was my point. 
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BillP
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« Reply #24 on: December 19, 2010, 10:18:36 PM »

It is important to know that I have discussed all the issues & questions I've dealt with, with my T. He did not seem to have a problem with me discussing any of it, as long as I was comfrotable with releasing this painful detail. For the record, I am not mad at the ex. I hate the illness, I hate what her parents did to her, but mad at the ex, no, not at all. I only have empathy for her, and I do pray all the time that there will come a point in her life she seeks help for this. My feeling is though, she will keep living this way, and take this pain & suffering to her grave.

Her illness became my illness to deal with when she inflicted her wicked ways upon me. Her secret became my secret when it affected the r/s. None of this is easy to discuss, whether in private with a T, or on a forum such as this. I made the decision to bear these things as a way to help gain closure, and purge the pain of what I had long suspected. There is no glory in revealing such horrific details on a forum such as this. But if this a realm for us to use. and to help each other in the recovery process, I felt my pain, shame & embarassment may help someone else deal with a similar situation, I am fine with that. Not proud. But fine with that.
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anker
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« Reply #25 on: December 19, 2010, 10:41:18 PM »

Her illness is hers. Not yours to deal with anymore. 

I hope being here gives you the support you need you build a healthy life now
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« Reply #26 on: December 19, 2010, 10:53:13 PM »

I found it was better also to let some of those secrets during the relationship known to others (family and friends). It was best so I could vent, couldnt be blackmailed and avoid distortion campaigns by explaining the reasons for leaving before she could and broke the illusion of what our 'relationship' was to outsiders. There were many things I'm ashamed of also but it was one of those necessary steps

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« Reply #27 on: December 19, 2010, 11:02:41 PM »

It is important to know that I have discussed all the issues & questions I've dealt with, with my T. He did not seem to have a problem with me discussing any of it, as long as I was comfrotable with releasing this painful detail.

Yes, in the therapeutic environment, not the world at large.

Excerpt
For the record, I am not mad at the ex.

You are very (and understandably) angry with your ex and you need to be honest with yourself about that.  

Excerpt
I only have empathy for her

Someone with empathy doesn't reveal secrets the way you did.  My ex and I parted on bad terms but that doesn't give me free reign to blab publicly about all the things he told me in confidence.  What you did was a violation, as much as the abuse she suffered.

Excerpt
There is no glory in revealing such horrific details on a forum such as this.

Then why do it?  It's very self-serving and it doesn't change anything.  Your ex is who she is, she's done the things she's done, nothing will change that.  All you can do is change yourself.

I'm sorry some of you see me as harsh, however I see "facing the facts" as just that, and not "facing the facts as long as they're sugarcoated and I get to violate someone else's privacy (reveal their secrets) at the same time".  

If I get banned, so be it.

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BillP
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« Reply #28 on: December 20, 2010, 05:58:50 AM »

The details here were not for the the world stage, but for this community of ppl like us, who have been through a very traumatic ordeal. And the purpose was not to embarass the ex or anyone who has been in this situation. Besides, is this forum not a venue for therapy?  Getting this off my chest has helped me close the door on the toxic r/s I had with the ex. If the ends justify the means, and after all, this is about my health and well being, then why not?

It's easy to not share such disguisting things, and bury our heads in the sand about. Why shouldn't we, in day and age, be able to discuss things such as this. We all know that there are alot of twisted ppl out there who do these things to their children and leave a permanent scar emotionally. And then the children leaves scars on their "victims". No matter how embarassing, we need to confront those demons, and topics of taboo so that we learn, understand, and move forward. Not back into the dark ages.

And as far as being self-serving. Absolutely! This is not about the Monster. this is about my recovery, and what I need to do to heal, and move forward in a more positive & healthy way. And facing the facts is what I have been dealing with for the past several months, and now, it's time to put all of it where it properly belongs, behind me, forever!
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« Reply #29 on: December 20, 2010, 08:25:32 AM »

Excerpt
Yes, in the therapeutic environment, not the world at large.

Is this place not a therapeutic environment?

And I think it was his secret.  Just like my ex,  I think they told us so that it became our burden to bear rather than them have to deal with it.  Protect me,  comfort me,  fix this for me.  That being the case... .we have to release that from ourselves.  It's not ours to take on and the only way to get rid of it is to let it out. 

this is one place where I'm comfortable with letting that happen. 

Although a T is a probably the ideal situation,  not every T has been thru the gauntlet like the individuals here.  They don't have first hand knowledge of the situations we've been thru.  I'm more

comfortable right now in the knowledge and experience here.  That's just my take on it. 

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