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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Why would my ex do this?  (Read 3152 times)
RedDevil66
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« on: December 25, 2010, 06:24:22 PM »

Broke up with my ex close to 5 months ago after I caught him cheating. We had some contact, but most of it, if not all, was initiated by me. He's a typical BPD where he blamed me and never took any responsibility for anything. Though he did join a 12 step group once I left (he's been in AA and sober 2 yrs) and tried to say sorry in a weak way!

He maybe went out of his way 3 times to contact me and once was for my bday!

About a month ago, I realized i still had access to his web history and from this found out SO MANY more lies than what I already knew! Confirming he was a sick man! When he used to snoop through my pc, I put a keylogger on my pc and got all his password. Well he was dumb enough to use the same password for his web history and I just happened to check it 2 yrs after the time I had the passwords (which he changed 2 yrs ago)

As hard as it was not to check, I kept looking (stopped last week). He's FB obsessed! He doesn't really go to any weird sites but he sits on FB for hours.

I see that he still has all my pics on his FB, and I can also see that he looks at my/our pics over and over and over!

I had his profile blocked before I found out I had access to his history, but unblocked him and made public one of my albums to see if he would look, and he did! Over and over!

I know childish, but I was so curious!

My question is, why would he keep my pics on his FB. There are pics of us hugging, on vacation etc (I'm pretty sure he's seeing other women) and why does he look at my pics and FB page over and over if he's a cold heart mental case?

Is this a common BPD trait?

And yes, I stopped looking in his history because it was really hurting me!
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restoredsight
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« Reply #1 on: December 25, 2010, 07:20:22 PM »

I think this behavior is related to object constancy issues. If a person has issues like this, they have trouble having feeling things about a person when they aren't right there. Looking at it like this, the photos are a kind of transitional object, like a security blanket.

My ex would take pictures of herself if she were forced to be alone. During her time at a girls college she was taking pictures of herself constantly, since she was stuck in her dorm room. I think this is related to feeling invisible or insubstantial when they are alone. She would also "creep" on people she liked on facebook. A keylogger (I installed this when she wouldn't tell me what was going on. Silent treatment was killing me) showed me that my ex was doing this with a new guy in the middle of our breakup.




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RedDevil66
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« Reply #2 on: December 25, 2010, 09:24:04 PM »

My ex also obsessively looks at the women from his AA group over and over. In fact, I think he's seeing one of these girls!

Ugh, I can't wait to just get him out of my head!
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« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2010, 07:23:30 PM »

I would agree that the pictures are a way to keep you close. My xBPD would have a crisis anytime I took a trip, came home late from work, did something I didn't plan to do... .etc. It is a way to ease the abandonment issues... .I believe anyways. I'm no specialist. Just trying to make sense of my BPD's bizarre behavior.
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RedDevil66
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« Reply #4 on: December 26, 2010, 08:08:50 PM »

But why keep me close if he has new women in his life and has not even attempted ONCE to get me back!

He just likes to keep head games active, but is not interested in being with me?

Though, he did keep his ex's pic in his wallet for years after he did to her what he did to me.

Just wondering when one of his new victims will ask him to take our pics down.

Such a strange illness!
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anker
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« Reply #5 on: December 26, 2010, 10:14:49 PM »

Imagine if he could see how many times you've checked his web history.

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Im.okay.now
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« Reply #6 on: December 27, 2010, 03:55:04 AM »

My question is, why would he keep my pics on his FB. There are pics of us hugging, on vacation etc (I'm pretty sure he's seeing other women) and why does he look at my pics and FB page over and over if he's a cold heart mental case?

Is this a common BPD trait?

Hi RedDevill66 ... .only he knows why the pics are still up there (on FB) ... .but how do you know that he is looking at them over and over again ? 
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RedDevil66
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« Reply #7 on: December 27, 2010, 07:22:23 AM »

Anker, yes, I checked it many times. Call it self preservation and a gift from God that I figured out he still kept the same password. If I had not checked, I would still be talking to him and believing all his lies that he's been telling me since I left him.

I stopped looking at it a few days ago because I need to go total NC now

ImOKAY: I had access to his web history and was able to see every single site and page he hit.
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« Reply #8 on: December 27, 2010, 08:00:54 AM »

Well, Anker does have a point. You're both doing the same behavior, checking each other obsessively- which leads to another possibility. Perhaps he's not doing the checking, but his latest girlfriend is. She could also have access to his computer- and he could be allowing it in order to seduce her by showing his photos of you as the one "who didn't know what she had." The new girlfriend may be comparing herself to you or is being made jealous of you in triangulation (read definition).  If he has NPD, then you have been "subsumed" and made into him. Your photos show an attractive woman, but it's all about him. If that's the case, expect him to keep your photos up until clothing styles change and/or he gets a new girl and new photos.
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RedDevil66
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« Reply #9 on: December 27, 2010, 08:25:42 AM »

2010. He would NEVER allow anyone on his PC. I wasn't even allowed on it

And yes, I was obsessed, who wouldn't be?

I agree though, the women he cheated on me with was an overweight very ugly married women with 3 kids. The women who post on his FB, the same! His ex (me), smoking hot  ;-), so he's keeping my pics to remind himself was a ahole he was in ___ing it up!  ;-)

Also, I deleted all his pics from anywhere on my PC and FB and have nothing in my house he ever gave me or left her, so I think the obsessions were totally differernt
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anker
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« Reply #10 on: December 28, 2010, 11:39:43 PM »

If he could see you checking he'd be on some message board asking why you were so obsessed. "Why does she care what I look at? We're not together anymore!"

I do get it though - the way they treat us can lead us to do things we'd never otherwise do
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RealEyes
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« Reply #11 on: December 29, 2010, 12:41:18 AM »

He may be doing this because he sees some women as possessions like people that keep going back to peep into your window thinking no one is watching them? Or, i hate to say it but, how serial killers (he sounds more like a serial f@cker) keep their victims fotos to gloat over and over again at what they've conquered?

or he may simply miss you in his own morbid way, a way you don't need in your life anymore, so stop thinking too much into this?

take care~
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Upnorth
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« Reply #12 on: December 29, 2010, 03:24:27 AM »

Yes, he might use the photos to remind him that he was/is loved.

My xBPDgf was rather obsessed with her two longterm-ex. She wanted to get confirmed, in one way or another, that they still loved her (despite both being in new relations). She even wanted me to say that they probably still loved her. The last month of our relation she framed a small picture of her last ex, together with a poem he had written to her.

I believe it is some sort of security blanket. But you will probably never know, it is certainly for the better to try looking forward instead.

Take care Red 

 
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sarah1234
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« Reply #13 on: December 29, 2010, 03:31:18 AM »

He may be doing this because he sees some women as possessions like people that keep going back to peep into your window thinking no one is watching them? Or, i hate to say it but, how serial killers (he sounds more like a serial f@cker) keep their victims fotos to gloat over and over again at what they've conquered?

or he may simply miss you in his own morbid way, a way you don't need in your life anymore, so stop thinking too much into this?

take care~

with my NPDexbf I go for this one as a good explanation. And yes he goes with 'less attractive' girls ( hate saying that... .but he actively does when he cheats, he will never have a relationship with them but they are often a lot older than him and extremely available) sometimes, but he never puts up photos of these ones on his FB. It does not fit with his image to the rest of the world. He will put up photos of his 'hot' girlfriends and then delete them when he has a new one fully installed 
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RedDevil66
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« Reply #14 on: December 29, 2010, 09:47:54 PM »

Anker, so true! I've done stuff since being with this guy, that I've never done in my over 40 yrs of life

If he knew I had been snooping, I'm sure he would love that he still "had me" hooked on his sickness!

Thanks all. I do think I'm like a posession and to remind himself that he was loved. It's strange! But what about this illness is not?

There is another possibility I thought about, could be since he's more than likely still "bedding" his married scuzzy, maybe he keeps my/our pics up in case her poor husband suspect and see his profile and says "Prob, not he has a GF"

Their little sick minds have so many possibilities!
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RealEyes
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« Reply #15 on: December 29, 2010, 10:16:39 PM »

Anker, so true! I've done stuff since being with this guy, that I've never done in my over 40 yrs of life

If he knew I had been snooping, I'm sure he would love that he still "had me" hooked on his sickness!

Thanks all. I do think I'm like a posession and to remind himself that he was loved. It's strange! But what about this illness is not?

There is another possibility I thought about, could be since he's more than likely still "bedding" his married scuzzy, maybe he keeps my/our pics up in case her poor husband suspect and see his profile and says "Prob, not he has a GF"

Their little sick minds have so many possibilities!

It sounds like you're taking great pleasure in his little sick mind by still wondering what it's thinking in the oddest moments thou.
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RedDevil66
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« Reply #16 on: December 29, 2010, 10:29:51 PM »

I've not taken or felt an OUNCE of pleasure out of any of this!

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anker
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« Reply #17 on: December 30, 2010, 03:06:17 AM »

no it's not that it feels good. It's like picking a scab and it hurts! Ya gotta lay off it and let it heal!

Since you've picked up the obsessive checking flea, like I did, you've got to find ways to keep yourself from looking. I distracted myself by listening to my friends problems instead... .contacting someone I knew might need to talk every damn time I wanted to look at his page.

You need to do something similar. Something thy is useful and good for you or someone you care about that has nothing to do with him. It'll feel like a chore at first but then suddenly it helps some and after a while the human contact weeds out all the fleas and obsessiveness


I totally understand. Wanting to know why almost becomes a preoccupation.

But if you could understand crazy- it wouldn't be crazy. And it tends to be a bit catching. So be careful for your own sake, not to allow this person's disorder to occupy your time!  You escaped. You're safe from him. Anything he does know-how it's not your fault or problem.
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RedDevil66
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« Reply #18 on: December 30, 2010, 08:55:12 AM »

I stopped checking the web history last week and have not checked since. It served it's purpose at the time and I'm so grateful I discovered I could get it. If not, I would have taken him back.

It doesn't matter anymore.
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Mystic
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« Reply #19 on: December 30, 2010, 10:08:52 AM »

It's kind of strange, I have no interest in knowing what mine's doing now, what he's looking at, if he's dating.  The sad thing is,that after the early, wonderful months... .he just wasn't all that.  He was mean, angry, unaffectionate, critical and controlling with dashes of nice here and there.  Honestly once he moved here, the relationship just pretty much sucked.  Not much to miss, or be jealous of.  If there was great sex, passion and love to be had, it was missed out on because of the distance status of our early months.  Oh, but he did give great text LOL.  

I've wondered from time to time if he's had access to my online activities... .he was pretty tech savvy and I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't do some spying while he was here, or if he could, since.  When he was here he quizzed me about a message board I was on, who I was "talking to" (with that pointed, angry, suspicious look)... .

Good lord, if only the man actually *got* how much I loved him, how faithful and devoted I was.  What I would have given had he only be open to receiving, and capable of giving himself. 

Well if he has been snooping, he's gotten a belly-full of sites on domestic violence, emotional abuse and BPD.  Bon apetit, dear.  
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RedDevil66
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« Reply #20 on: December 30, 2010, 11:35:13 AM »

thanks for sharing Livia.

Yes at first, I wanted to know nothing from the ex one I left. It was only 3 months after I left did I realize I could get into his web history. Him and I still had low contact and we had talked about reuniting once we both got well. I knew he was a mess, but never know how much until I got into the history.

Of course it hurt like hell to find out more truths, but then it became addicting.

And like I said, it helped me realize he's more of a sick liar than I thought so was able to let go of the hope I had. Holding on to hope was keeping me stuck.

Like you, there wasn't much love or much good towards the end of the relationship so I didn't miss very much, but I think for me, being a codepedent, it became more about control.



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RealEyes
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« Reply #21 on: December 30, 2010, 07:58:40 PM »

It's kind of strange, I have no interest in knowing what mine's doing now, what he's looking at, if he's dating.  The sad thing is,that after the early, wonderful months... .he just wasn't all that.  He was mean, angry, unaffectionate, critical and controlling with dashes of nice here and there.  Honestly once he moved here, the relationship just pretty much sucked.  Not much to miss, or be jealous of.  If there was great sex, passion and love to be had, it was missed out on because of the distance status of our early months.  Oh, but he did give great text LOL.  

I've wondered from time to time if he's had access to my online activities... .he was pretty tech savvy and I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't do some spying while he was here, or if he could, since.  When he was here he quizzed me about a message board I was on, who I was "talking to" (with that pointed, angry, suspicious look)... .

Good lord, if only the man actually *got* how much I loved him, how faithful and devoted I was.  What I would have given had he only be open to receiving, and capable of giving himself. 

Well if he has been snooping, he's gotten a belly-full of sites on domestic violence, emotional abuse and BPD.  Bon apetit, dear.  

well said,, thanks!  x
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RedDevil66
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« Reply #22 on: January 02, 2011, 11:02:51 PM »

Ok, so he emailed me to wish me happy new year. This time, I replied! I knew the reply wouldnt hurt me so I did it

The emails were short and pleasant. He told me he was staying away from insanity, working his 12 steps and really finding peace in his kids and family

He for sure will never try to come back, I know this.

But I was just too curious and asked him why he kept our pics on his FB (not his friend, but I unblocked him a month after I left him since both our profiles are very private) but he made his profile pics visable

His reply

"I don't regret past and don't need to take things down after I put them up. Still good memories. That's what I like to remember"

So there you have it! Less dramatic than I thought! Well that's if this is the truth! But you never know with mental illness. Still odd though since I left 5 months ago!

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