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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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vangirl60
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« on: December 27, 2010, 09:03:59 PM »

You will all relate to this story I'm sure... .I went to see him last night to talk about the relationship, how it needs to end, we can't go on (it's eating me alive ). I need to be on my own, he's got stuff to work out (have never brought up BPD with him) etc. etc. Well, i walk in to his place (usually we're at mine) and it's like he knows what's coming... .he doesn't want me to talk, just starts kissing me (he looks like Brad Pitt ) and it's the whole movie star romance/erotic lovemaking scene you ever did see... .I'm  thinking to myself... .ok, this is how I got into this in the first place  but also now know that it's just part of the disorder/syndrome. We just have to know that these people make love like no other but there's a HUGE price to pay for that.  HOWEVER, I stuck to my guns and this morning said, nope, we're ending it's not going to work. He said well there's been too many lies. You lie to me all the time. There is no reasoning with them at all. I have tried. I believe we're both sad about it so I'm not sure if there will be NC. Might need to be a fade? Advice?
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FreeToBe
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« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2010, 09:14:03 PM »

I'll tell you what, if you feel you must fade away, good luck.  You may be able to fade away, but here you are still putting him and his feelings ahead of your own.

Fading away will hurt you longer (and him too). 

It wasn't until I went completely NC that I was able to start recovering from the relationship.  To this day, I have yet to have been more attracted to anyone else than my exBPDgf.  I cannot look at a photo of her after 14 months because it stirs up too much crap in me. 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but he'll never let you fade away and you know it.  He'll always keep you within reach.  He'll tell you he loves only you while he's on top of the next victim.  Look out for you now... .
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« Reply #2 on: December 27, 2010, 09:53:17 PM »

Fantasy land with Brad Pitt is fun for awhile, but it's never going to trick reality and make Brad a permanent part of your "Self." Even Brad Pitt knows the difference between reality and fantasy- you cant bundle him up and put him in your back pocket.  You are your own desires to merge with a fantasy object that you project upon him.

Your partner cannot read your mind. You appear to be giving him this idea of reference that he is not separate from you- hence he raises the issue of your lying to him about ending the relationship.  If something is eating you alive, it's indecision.
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