Thank you for sharing these conversations ... it helps a lot to see how far you've come ... and also to see how you put the principles into action!

lbj - there is indeed so much courage happening for every one of you in this family. I have been thinking all evening about you, husband and d14 and what the key parts are to these successes. I tried to pick out in this quote the parts that really aligned with what I have noticed along the way as you have shared your family story. Courage is the best word to describe this feeling I have. Love alone is not enough with our families. We have to live find the courage to persist, to learn the tools, skills, words for communicating in the same language for the love to get where it needs to go. And you, husband and d14 are really working it. This creates such an environment for your future success when d14 comes home to stay. I am so proud of all of you, if that is not overstepping somehow. Your story brings me such great joy. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us.

qcr  

lbj,

Let me add my thanks again along with all of the other posters.  We all appreciate your sharing the journey of your dd through RTC.  You  are such an inspiration.  I am so happy that you  were able to get your dd this help during her adolescence.

My husband went along with me to my T appt., today.  She explained how my dd is stuck in her teens, emotionally.  It helped that she was able to explain BPD to my dh.  My husband told me that he only did it for me because he knows how much it means to me.  And, that meant a lot to me.  I know how he feels about going to talk to counselor. But, he was willing to do it for me to  learn how to interact with  my dd.  It really helps when the husband gets on board.

Thanks again.  May God bless you.


peaceplease

qcarol,


well...if that isn't a case of the donkey calling the pig long ears I don't know what is!

i can think of no one on this site that has shown as much courage as you qcarol...no one.

lbjnltx

Pass the kleenex.     Tears of joy!   

Thank you, lbj.


peaceplease

qcarol,

May I third that please?  I don't know anyone who has more courage 

lbj,

It is wonderful to be on this journey with you, see the progress and in a way, share the reward.  Thank you so much for continuing to share with us and care with us.

pennifree

for anyone interested in maslow's heirarchy of needs:




                                    SELF ACTUALIZATION

                                personal growth and fulfillment

                                     

                                      ESTEEM NEEDS

                       achievement, status, responsibility, reputation

                             

                            BELONGINGNESS AND LOVE NEEDS

                         family, affection, relationships, work group, etc


                                      SAFETY NEEDS

                   protection, security, order, law, limits, stability, etc


               BIOLOGICAL AND PHYSIOLOGICAL NEEDS

       basic life needs-air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep, etc.

Each of us is motivated by needs. Our most basic needs are inborn, having evolved over tens of thousands of years.  Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs helps to explain how these needs motivate us all.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs states that we must satisfy each need in turn, starting with the first, which deals with the most obvious needs for survival itself.

Only when the lower order needs of physical and emotional well-being are satisfied are we concerned with the higher order needs of influence and personal development.

Conversely, if the things that satisfy our lower order needs are swept away, we are no longer concerned about the maintenance of our higher order needs.

1. BIOLOGICAL AND PHYSIOLOGICAL NEEDS- air, food, drink, shelter,

    warmth, sex, sleep, et.

2.  SAFETY NEEDS- protection from elements, security, order, law,

    stability, etc

3.  BELONGINGNESS AND LOVE NEEDS- work group, family, affection,

    relationships, etc.

4.  ESTEEM NEEDS-self-esteem, achievement, mastery, independence,

    status, dominance, prestige, managerial responsibility, etc.

5. SELF ACTUALIZATION NEEDS-realizing personal potential, self-

    fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

"how" without backrupting mom and dad. "how" with becoming an enmeshed, enabling parent.

"how" without compromising myself and my boudnaries. YIKES - this is hard work. Guess I'll just keep working it day by day.

Thanks, qcr

we have enjoyed being able to get nightly emails from BPDd-13 and respond to them.  she was able to go to the nursing home and interact with the residence singing and dancing.  she got to go to a family fun center and ride go carts.  her time in "pre trans" is over and back to the regular unit now until she earns her place in the transitional unit.

i received her 5th progress report in the mail yesterday.  she continues to improve in some areas and hold her own in others.  she did lose ground in 2 areas related to the residential unit (interaction with the other girls). 

we are in the home stretch now...it is time to solidify and be consistent.  we will have family therapy on thursday.

lbjnltx

WOW - so much insight in this meeting. Have to think about it and return to comment on a couple of parts that really stuck with me (after supper and gd to bed)

qcr

Thinking on this some more - I stuggle to be a good listener with my little girl, now a big girl - to sit quiet with her and hear the need being expressed by the pushing away behaviors. I often pushed back - getting loud or demanding myself, not physical but in an emotional way. Or I turned away, not being able to 'stand it' - the pain of not knowing how to 'fix it', not knowing what she needed or wanted, or doing what I believed to be the best thing and having DD's behaviors get worse, or others not seem to understand what I was trying to express that she needed (as in school even with IEP spelled out). This child was so foreign to all my experiences with children around me growing up and as a young adult. And she was my only child so I had no comparison, only my experiences growing up in a big family as the oldest girl (7 kids), and lots of babysitting, lots of nieces and nephews. Wish I had then what I know now. But you know, this is the life I have and the path that I am on, so all I can do now is make the most of each day and the best of my relationship with DD going forward.

Hope it is OK to high-jack you post somewhat in my responses here, but this last session with your D14 has really opened up a lot for me tonight.

qcr  

PS. raising gd5 has also given me some insight and practice with new skills - such a gift. It has helped me to realize that I did the best I could with what was available when DD24 was younger - I read, got involved in her school, in ADHD advocacy (her initial dx) with NAMI with bipolar dx (my dx and her second dx), did lots of different therapies for both of us and meds.  - I really have been an active participant in my life and trying to understand how best to help DD make her way in her life with limited financial resources. GD5 is truly a gift for me - and I think there was a sense of this from the day DD told me she was going to keep this baby. I knew I would be very involved in this family situation - though did not anticipate being the primary parent long-term.

I am so thankful for you, lbj, and the other parents here that give me perspective and hope to keep going.

dear qcarol,

thank you for reading and responding with affirmation that our family's experience is in some way helpful to  you and in turn your family.   

i spoke with BPDd-13's therapist on friday to get a better understanding of what is to come in the future.

the therapist anticipates my d graduating during the march family weekend that is scheduled.  even if the treatment team does not recommend she graduate in march she will still come home with us at the end of the family weekend.  during her time at home, if she does really well, she will be invited back to the june family weekend and will graduate then. the dilemma...dh says "no way"  we aren't going to spend all that money to fly back up there in june.  she needs to graduate in march and come home and that will be the end of it.   ;p  

it is very very important for BPDd-13 to have the graduation experience and all that it denotes.  when I tried to explain to husband that WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS it didn't sit well with him.  I told him that I believe she will be ready to graduate in march and we won't have to worry about it.  that just leaves the "what if"... I will add this to my  prayer requests and leave it alone...it will all work out the way it is supposed to...that I am sure of.

also I asked the therapist about my BPDd-13's psychotic features...is she still experiencing them...t said "no.  not in a good while"... since the increase in the abilify.  I am hoping that my d will be able to get off of some, all, or decrease meds in the future with the help of neurofeedback therapy...

the therapist asked the neurofeedback therapist if he would be willing to do a diagnostic test on BPDd-13...he said yes...t told me she would have him call me...we will see how that turns out as I am really having to work with my husband to get him to ok spending some extra $...

the clinical director has offered to decrees fees for BPDd-13 until she leaves the program...very thankful for that

we have Positive Peer Culture tomorrow and family therapist on thursday.

take good care all of you!

lbjnltx

Dear lbj,

Your faith never ceases to amaze me and as I have said before- the progress you all have made- is astounding- your dd, you, and your dh.  I do believe strongly as you say- that it will work out "the way it is supposed to". Not to mention that you are so very wise and have learned so much about communication- that if it ever got to the point of "what if" I can see you being able to "reach" your husband- with the communication tools that you have acquired and thus have helped others with so frequently on this board- not to suggest it will come to that - the "what if".  Just that taking everything into account and what you have been able to get past- I have confidence in you and your skills and your thought processes and your faith that yes- it will all work out as it is supposed to. 

      

wtsp

1-18-11

Positive Peer Culture Therapy

dh not available for this session due to work

1.  rather than demand obedience, Positive Peer Culture demands_____

BPDd-13:  greatness

nale:  what is greatness?

BPDd-13:  our values of care and concern for self and others

nale:  right.  greatness is driven by our values.  give me an example of

       how your values are used here at falcon ridge.

BPDd-13: today when a peer gave me attitude I asked her not to be that

       way because it only hurts her.

nale:  ok so how will this work at home?

BPDd-13:  if we are caring and concerned for each other we will be

        honest and open in our communication.

nale:  mom how does that sound?

me:  it sounds like the basis of care and concern.  being honest and

      open will allow us all to be the best we can be and keep us in the

      positive and moving forward.

nale:  in the past, at home, how was communication?

me:  there really wasn't any.  when we were angry we were closed off

      to listening for information, feelings and needs.  we get wrapped

      up in our own thoughts and feelings and it becomes all about us

      and not the care and concern for the other person.  when we are

      practicing good listening by being patient and looking for the other

      persons' needs and validating we are keeping our focus and our

      concern on them and not ourselves.

nale:  wonderful

2. what is self government?

me:  in the general population, concerning youth, it is usually a sham.

      adults do not truly give up their power and give only innocuous

      decision making power to young people.  in Positive Peer Culture adults assign to

      young people responsibility and teach them how to fulfill that

      responsibility.

BPDd-13:  self government is making good decisions without being told.

nale:  when young people are empowered to make decisions they have

      to understand that they have the ability to handle the responsibility

3. youth must come to reject all behavior that in any way hurts self or

others.  what must they replace this hurting behavior with?

BPDd-13:  helping behaviors

me:  behavior that shows care and concern

nale: what helpful behaviors did you use at home BPDd-13?

BPDd-13:  honest communication of my feelings and I trusted my parents

       to do what was right for me.

nale: mom what helpful behaviors did you use during the home visit?

me:  I used good listening skills and was patient.  I validated and was

      honest without judgement to provide a safe place for BPDd-13 to be

      open and honest.

nale:  safety is a key component.  BPDd-13, what does safety provide for

      you?

BPDd-13:  well, it lowers my anxiety and helps me stay in the here and

       now so that my emotions don't get out of control.

4. what type of climate can Positive Peer Culture only exist in?

me:  a climate of mutual concern for self and others.  I think it must be

    a climate of non judgement.  feelings are not right or wrong good or

    bad they just are and each of us have a right to them without being

    labeled.

nale:  BPDd-13 what do you think of what mom said?

BPDd-13:  I think that is what we all strive towards.  none of us are able

    to use care and concern all the time but we strive to.  I like what my

    mom said.

nale:  what causes us to not have care and concern?mom

me:  having a victim mentality and focusing on our own feelings.

BPDd-13:  I try to remember and recognize that they are having their own

    problems and focus on myself so that I don't personalize.

nale:  it can be hard to not personalize.  what causes you to do that?

BPDd-13:  being close to a person.  really caring a lot about them.

nale:  can you be hurt without your permission?

BPDd-13: no

nale:  what do you think about what BPDd-13 said.

me: I agree with her.  it is very difficult to not react emotionally to an

     emotionally charged person especially when you love them dearly.

     for me, staying in touch with my compassion really helps me to put

     the focus on them without owning their feelings or behaviors.

nale:  so setting some personal boundaries for what we will own is

     a way to not become enmeshed.

5. what do young males consider positive, helping behavior as?

BPDd-13:  what makes them happy.

nale:  mom, what did you put for your answer?

me:  I wrote "feminine", it is something that girls do.

nale:  some men consider it to be weak to be concerned, caring, and

      helpful. ok lets move onto values or rules.

6. do you have set rules in Positive Peer Culture?  is so, wjhy? if not, why?

BPDd-13:  I didn't know how to answer this question really.

nale: mom, did you have an answer?

me:  I wrote down; no.  young people need to develop wisdom and

      the ability to make independent judgements based on their values.

      they can make better judgements if they ask themselves 'is this

      helping or hurting".

nale:  the rules that are there fluctuate depending on the individual

      circumstance.

BPDd-13: oh, so they are more like guidelines.

nale: yes.  if our values are strong they are based on helping not on

      hurting.

7.  does Positive Peer Culture teach you to make sound decisions even in the absence of

specific guidelines? why or why not?

BPDd-13: yes. we are given choices and those choices will have natural

      consequences.

me:  I wrote yes too.  sometimes there are no guidelines to use when

      a decision must be made.  in the absence of guidelines our values

      of being helpful and not hurtful will guide us to the right decision.

      sometimes there is no clear right or wrong...sometimes it is a

      judgement call.  like the story of robin hood...it is ambiguous.

      stealing from the rich is wrong...giving to the poor is good.  how

      do you reach a decision based on the information you have?

nale:  how would you reach a decision BPDd-13?

BPDd-13:  I would ask myself how I could give to the poor without taking

       from the rich.

nale: awesome.  mom what do you think about her answer?

me:  it meets all the criteria for helping and not hurting.  she would

       rather give a little honestly than give a great deal dishonestly.

nale: ok, biblical application here.  do you know the story of the

       widow's might?

BPDd-13:  i'm not sure.  if you start to tell it I will remember.

nale:  ok. so the rich people in the temple were all bragging about how

       much they gave to the temple and comparing themselves to each-

       other.  then in comes the very poor widow who had only a few

       coins. she gave all that she had.  her gift was much more valuable

       than all the donations from the rich because she truly understood

       what it was all about.

8. what does "caring" mean?

me:  I want what is best for you.

BPDd-13: I have your best interest at heart.

nale:  BPDd-13, do you understand why you are here at falcon ridge?

BPDd-13:  yes. because of the poor decisions I was making and I had no

      boundaries.

nale: that is a behavior you used to have.  why did  your parents bring

      you here?  was it because they have a great deal of love for you?

BPDd-13: yeah

nale: do you understand how much your family loves you and how do

      you see your family differently than before.

BPDd-13:  yeah.

nale: what does that look like?

BPDd-13:  well we talked about this in family therapy...when I was

       wondering if I loved my family as much as I should. lorneta told

      me that my feelings and beliefs about my family met all the

      requirements of how I define love.

nale:  how do you feel hearing that from BPDd-13?

me:  it feels really awesome.  that she can contemplate and work

       through such a philosophical question that many mature adults

      never even try to shows her deep thinking and honest reflection.

      her level of maturity is amazing.

nale:  how does that feel for you BPDd-13 to hear mom's answer?

BPDd-13:  it feels good to be validated.  I know I won't always get that

      every time from everyone so I am getting good at validating   

      myself.

nale:  so are  you getting pretty good at self validation?

BPDd-13: i'm working on it.

read each quote and write whether it is helping or hurting.  if the quote

is hurting, rewrite the comment to be helping.

9.  "you're really smart; I bet you could finish all your work today."

BPDd-13:  that is helping

me:  I agree.  I wrote that it is encouraging and positive/

10. "why do you act so dumb?"

BPDd-13: that is hurting.  I wrote "i think you can do better"

nale: what did you write mom?

me: I rewrote the question "why are you reluctant to show how

      intelligent you are?"

nale:  in our haste to respond sometimes our statements come out

      how BPDd-13?

BPDd-13: jumbled up and mean.

nale:  why is that you think mom?

me:  because we don't listen for the need or feeling and we don't stop

      and think first.

BPDd-13:  yeah. we get caught up in our own ideas and emotions.

me: that is when it becomes about us and not them.  no good

      communication can take place at that point.

BPDd-13:  I used to work off of my emotions.  when I was angry I would

      be rude and even threaten my mom.  when I was happy I would be

      nice.

nale:  what have you learned to control your emotions?

BPDd-13:  sometimes it is ok ... well, really all the time it is ok to be

      angry if that is your true emotion.  how you handle it is what is

      important.  it cannot be hurtful to others.  it is important to be

      honest about your emotions.

me: when someone is expressing their emotions honestly and not

      being hurtful it is much easier to validate and be compassionate.

      then we can be patient and give them their space if they ask for it.

      if they are not being honest and they are being hurtful and will not

      listen to validation it is important to take care of and protect

      yourself.  taking care of self is paramount to helping someone else.

      if you don't take care of self you can't take care of anyone else.

nale:  you hit the nail right on the head there!  BPDd-13 do you agree

      with what mom said?

BPDd-13: yes.

nale:  good. ok next time we will do chapters 4 and 5. anything else

      today mom?

me: I would like BPDd-13 to know that I have started praying for the Lord

      to send to us the adult leadership we will need to start the Positive Peer Culture

      program here at home.  I would ask you to pray for that as well

      nale and BPDd-13.

BPDd-13:  thank you so much mom. I will pray too.

nale: I will as well and will be able to help you out in some ways as

      well.

end of session.

thanks for reading...i hope it helps you and in turn  your family in some small way.  

lbjnltx

   

thanks for reading oglobaith!