A plain old Yes or No.

[Mr R]

Hi All,

Just wondered.

My BPD Ex Wife (we are seperated) of 7 years decided enough was enough in in Sept/October, and that she wanted to seperate. Something she seemed to do overnight looking back.

She 'fell in love' with a friend who understood her at her time of need (his ex was also BPD... scarey).

Anyway. We are a few months down the line, and even with all the usual tears and I miss you, I love you's and I'm still unhappy's I get from her she is still with him.

My question is simple... .In my eyes, if she is sleeping with and telling of her love for this guy... .then our marriage and relationship is obviously over... .Yes?

So when I've mentioned it before why have I got a reply of... .we don't need to think about that yet do we?

Now am I just being an idiot or do I just divorce her... .?

Sex with another guy... .saying she loves him=no relationship with me=divorce as far as I see it?

Thanks

[restoredsight]

So when I've mentioned it before why have I got a reply of... .we don't need to think about that yet do we?

Now am I just being an idiot or do I just divorce her... .?

Sex with another guy... .saying she loves him=no relationship with me=divorce as far as I see it?

Thanks

I'd say yes. The confusion you have over it is indicative of how much she has your mind twisted up. Why eat table scraps? Go find yourself a good healthy meal.

[Annaleigh]

Yes.  Not only were you the one hurt, you were the one betrayed, you are the one that has to be the adult and end it.  It's difficult for BPDs to permanently end things, they are so terrified of being alone, they want to keep people attached as back up, if even by a thread.

Now is a good time to get things rolling on a divorce, while she is distracted with another source of attention.  It's not your fault.  She will do this to the new person, too.  You want the divorce well on it's way before that happens.

[breakingpoint]

Now is a good time to get things rolling on a divorce, while she is distracted with another source of attention.  It's not your fault.  She will do this to the new person, too.  You want the divorce well on it's way before that happens.

Sounds to me like she already is "doing this to the new person".

[Mr R]

Blimey.

That was quick.

Thanks everyone. Any more answers gratefully received.

Just had a quick look online, and found a UK online solicitors that will do it all for a lot cheaper than a High St solicitor.

Still unsure though... Even the mother in law who is lovely has said it's best an open book for now... ?

WHAT... .? While she f*@ks someone else... .WTF!

Doesn't help I'm still in love with her though, and that every time I see her she just wells up.

[sarah1234]

She is triangulating (read definition) both of you by the sounds of things.

She will never be alone if she has one of you on the back burner.

She probably finds it very difficult to let go of someone who obviously still cares this much for her, because it would make sense to keep you on side in case something goes wrong.

Same for the guy she is with. The interesting thing is her choice... .you have given her a clear opening to return, and she hasn't taken it. Her new shiny relationship obviously hasn't reached the heady heights of reality day to day life yet - telling you it isn't going well may not be what is happening with him.

This isn't fair or respectful to you

Of course she is unhappy. the grass isn't really that colour green over there, she hasn't really changed. She expected 'escaping' from you and being with the new man to fix everything for her.

[Mouse10]

Regarding a solicitor (lawyer) - though cost is an issue for most people, divorcing a BPD can be complex.  It would probably be in your best interest to interview several solicitors - see if any have experience dealing with pwBPD and/or high-conflict divorce.  It may end up saving you money.

[Mystic]

My question is simple... .In my eyes, if she is sleeping with and telling of her love for this guy... .then our marriage and relationship is obviously over... .Yes?

Yes.  While she's still with another person, she's no longer committed to your relationship or working on repairing it.  There really can't be much hope for a marriage when there is an active affair. 

So when I've mentioned it before why have I got a reply of... .we don't need to think about that yet do we?

Well, that's kind of a common response for someone who wants to have their cake and eat it too.  She's got her lover and you on the back burner for security in case things don't work out with him.  Thing is it just doesn't work that way.  Generally these things are irreparable. 

Now am I just being an idiot or do I just divorce her... .?

Sex with another guy... .saying she loves him=no relationship with me=divorce as far as I see it?

You're not being an idiot.  You're still involved in and committed to your wife and your marriage.  Unfortunately, she's no longer in it with you.  I'm so sorry. 

Thanks

[usedup]

I am just gob smacked at this post! My experience in the UK almost word for word.

I am now nearly one year out,my wife has tried to come back to myself and our daughter.She is divorcing me for unreasonable behaviour and the decree nisi is today.Myself and daughter do not want her back with us.

She triangulated me all our married life,25 years with different men.If only I had found this site years ago.Have been in therapy for nearly 10 months as all the blame for her betrayal was heaped on me.

Go and find someone healthy to love and be loved.All she will give you is pain and termoil.She will do it to him as well in the end!

My thoughts go out to you,they really do!

[2010]

Sex with another guy... .saying she loves him=no relationship with me=divorce as far as I see it?

Borderlines are rarely on their own for any length of time unless they are Schizoid Hermits. Were you triangulated with someone else in the beginning?

What happened to him? Where is he now? What would he say to you?

[officer1618]

Mr. R,

     I was in the same boat.  Mine had 2 separate affairs with guys she was trying to replace me with.  She was having sex in hotels, having them over when I was at work, paying some of their bills with my money, telling them she loved them, and lying lying lying to everyone.  But every time it came to discussing divorce terms she would 1. find a reason to fight so the talk would break down.  2.  Ask me "is this what you really want because I don't... .then begin to cry.  3. Act like we were best friends in the world and nothing was ever wrong.  4.  Find every reason I'm responsible for everything she did and refuse to confess or apologize for anything.

     I try not to think everyone's relationship will be like mine... .but I'm sure one day with research on her disorder and watching these cycles first hand you will answer your own question.   

     

[Dantes]

My suggestion would be play it cool until you get all of your divorce ducks in a row to your best advantage. Once she believes that you are going to do it, things can get bad quickly. Be prepared to protect your property, paperwork, etc. If/when you make that internal decision to move on, then take control of the divorce. Try to stay two steps ahead.

I remember the first thing I did to take control was change my direct deposit to my own checking account, and stopped funding the joint, and she flipped out 

[officer1618]

yeah Dante I did the same thing and mine did too.  She accused me of hiding my money because I was having an affair.  Turned out the opposite was true and the panic attacks started because she couldn't pay her bills (the ones I didn't know about) AND lend her boyfriend money to help with his 3 kids he paid child support for to 3 different mothers/ex-wives.  And the guy was only 34.  WOW... .I felt like a winner... .being dumped for a complete failure of life... .OH well.

[Mr R]

Thanks everyone.

Good to get some perspective, and not just go mad.

Sarah1234... .I see what you are saying. I've always thought it would eventually run out of steam, although as it's long distance that may take some time. If ever.

Either way I think I'm going to have to try and disconnect.

Even harder when we have 2 young children together... .

I will play my cards close to my chest for now I think, and seek some legal advice first.

I'm guessing triangulation (read definition) is just that... .having her cake and eating it.

Thanks all.

[left4good]

Mr R,

there's not much here for me to add that the others haven't touched on.  I saw that 2010 asked some questions that you didn't answer.  I'd be interested in those answers as well when you feel comfortable. 

It's certainly a triangulation (read definition) situation that she's going thru.  A note to take into consideration is she's starting therapy and still with him.  Pay very close attention to her actions... .the real actions.  The cries when she drops the kids off,  the hugs,  the texts messages... .that's all crap man.  I hate to be a nay sayer here but it's acting!  False.  The real "action" is that thru all of her antics and BS,  she's STILL with new dude and you're still at arms length. 

I think when we're in the midst of this BPD storm we tend to over complicate things.  This is real simple.  Real life works like this:  if she even remotely wants this r/s back and to work... .new dude is gone,  she gets therapy,  you guys work together to patch it up.  Until that actually happens and there's a consistent effort on her part to rectify the wrongs and have some accountability for the crap that you've both been thru,  she's just playing you.  Consider an agenda behind everything she is doing right now.  I'd bet more often than not she's just void filling.  Side note:  watch for patterns of when she contacts and how.  I bet he's not around.  But I bet she tells him she's talked to you.  this works great to build jealousy in him and confidence in her with you.   watch closely.

Protect yourself.  My lawyer told me to be a sponge.  If she talks, listen,  but I was to not say a word about me or my situation.  They will use use use and twist twist twist. 

How are the kids? 

Left

[Dantes]

Even harder when we have 2 young children together... .

Yes, same situation as I had. Like you said, play cards close to chest. Be that information sponge - document everything, send emails to yourself or whatever. I forwarded the ex's text messages to my email to save them. I know some record in-person conversations... .I never went that far, but I never had to go to court either.

Try to insulate the kids from the madness. Be their rock. They will quickly differentiate between the oddity of the BPD parent and you. Take the high road. One of the best pieces of advice I got from this board: Do not make excuses for the BPD's behavior with kids, but make sure to empathize with the kids feelings "I'm sorry that mommy did hit__ " has been my most commonly used phrase.

I wish you the best... .you will get through this I promise.

[Mr R]

Thanks everyone.

Especially Dantes & Left for your last comments.

With regard to 2010... .I wasn't triangulated with a person that was actually there. But more them memory of the previous long relationship (14 years)

He was usually reffered to in times of emotional upset. Looking back I could say I was triangulated at times with his memory. If that fits?

He got married last year, and she saw his photos on Facebook. She did have an emotional shock then I remember. Threw her a bit.

I have no idea what he would say. He loved her totally, and she just upped and left. He was heartbroken, and they had one meet on a Boxing Day one year, and she said the moment he turned up she knew she couldn't get back together with him.

I strangely made contact with her through friends reunited a few days later... .and a penny is dropping as I type... .!

[Travis]

I remember the first thing I did to take control was change my direct deposit to my own checking account, and stopped funding the joint, and she flipped out 

When I called the police on my uBPDw she took off and stayed at a hotel overnight.  She withdrew a big amount of $ out of our joint account which I solely fund.  She does not work.  I set up a new account and switched my direct deposit to that and now I fund our joint account in amounts I think are fair.  She did freak out and still rages at me for setting up another account, but its OK for her to have a private account so I can't view where she spends her money. 

Its all about $$$ with many of them. 

[Dantes]

Looking back I could say I was triangulated at times with his memory.

Yes, my ex did this often, talking about her exbf (one that she had told me had abused her during their 5 year relationship... .not even sure I beleive all of that now). I found it bizarre and hypocritical. First, if this guy was the terror you described, how could you speak of him favorably later just to try and get a reaction out of me? Second, I had a number of very nice NORMAL ex-partners that if I brought up very low-key every once and a while she would completely flip-out.

I am 100% sure that my uBPDxw (if she's already not doing it right now), she will start to triangulate her BF of a year with me. She'll probably make it seem that we have a great realtionship, when in reality it is the minimal contact I can maintain to parent our kids.

It's the way they operate, and it doesn't make sense to anyone except those who don't have their brain wired properly. 

[Travis]

Yes, my ex did this often, talking about her exbf (one that she had told me had abused her during their 5 year relationship... .not even sure I beleive all of that now). I found it bizarre and hypocritical. First, if this guy was the terror you described, how could you speak of him favorably later just to try and get a reaction out of me?

Mine would do this too.  She's bring up ex BF's often and paint them in a positive light.  She also told me at least one had physically abused her.  Another  .

[RealEyes]

Mr R.

This quote from left4good is great advice to keep in mind.

she's just playing you.  Consider an agenda behind everything she is doing right now.  I'd bet more often than not she's just void filling.  Side note:  watch for patterns of when she contacts and how.  I bet he's not around.  But I bet she tells him she's talked to you.  this works great to build jealousy in him and confidence in her with you.   watch closely.

Protect yourself.  My lawyer told me to be a sponge.

good luck~~