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Question: Was your BPD realtionship a rebound or an affair?
At a good and healthy time in my life
Affair (I cheated on a partner)
Affair (I cheated on a spouse))
Rebound (I was recovering from a relationshipheartbreak)
Personal Crisis (I was recovering from life setback)
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Author Topic: SURVEY | Was your BPD relationship a rebound?  (Read 10901 times)
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« on: January 29, 2011, 10:47:27 AM »

Hi all,

How many of our BPD relationships occurred after a divorce or after a significant breakup?  :)uring a time where we were perhaps looking at ourselves, but not quite fully aware of our own desperation for a relationship - making us an easy target to mirror and put on blinders?

For me, mine was about 2 years after an 8 year significant relationship that ended rather abruptly.  I had dated a few people, and was looking for that "special someone" to have a family with.  I was completely vulnerable and wanting to see the good - I easily overlooked and rationalized the bad; because of my own dreams, my need to have/be a family.

How many others found themselves with a BPD after having a "normal" significant relationship breakup?  Tell us about it and your state of mind at the time now that you look back.
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« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2011, 12:06:56 PM »

My relationship with the BPD ex was after a divorce, as well. A couple years later, and i thought i was in a good place, ready for real love to come along, felt good about myself... .It really seemed like it was the real thing, too. I ignored a lot of red flags, though, thinking, I'm just getting to know her, this stuff will smooth out, she just had a rough life so far but with me things will be so much better... .Well, her patterns increased and the fights got worse, she really did abuse me and caused a lot of pain, and it knocked me down in a lot of ways. Now that we're apart, I don't feel very confident anymore. I couldn't see anybody wanting to be with me now, there's too much sadness, too many questions in my eyes. Do i still believe in love? Yes. Still want a good relationship? Of course. But i have to say, i feel way more wary about it all, and feel it may just never really happen. Going in, i felt about the best i'd ever felt. Coming out? About the worst. I don't feel it was a 'rebound' as much as i was ready for something real. Well, it's about as real as it gets, with all of these illusions tossed in as well. It's made me really look at myself to see how i could have attracted someone like this, been with someone like this, put up with stuff like this... .I may be kind of needy, but i surely didn't need any of this. It's like i have to start all over again, building confidence, reclaiming the good vision of myself that i once had... .Hoping the next time, if there is one, it won't be a rebound or another BPD experience.
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joop
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« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2011, 02:05:15 PM »

Hi all,

How many of our BPD relationships occurred after a divorce or after a significant breakup?  During a time where we were perhaps looking at ourselves, but not quite fully aware of our own desperation for a relationship - making us an easy target to mirror and put on blinders?

For me, mine was about 2 years after an 8 year significant relationship that ended rather abruptly.  I had dated a few people, and was looking for that "special someone" to have a family with.  I was completely vulnerable and wanting to see the good - I easily overlooked and rationalized the bad; because of my own dreams, my need to have/be a family.

How many others found themselves with a BPD after having a "normal" significant relationship breakup?  Tell us about it and your state of mind at the time now that you look back.

I wondered if anyone was going to ask this question... great topic SB

Yep... i was seperated from my wife by 14 months when i got in the r/s with my exBPD... I had been with my wife 15 years and it was a very normal r/s and marriage, we started off in a small house and then as the kids were born we both worked our socks off to have a better standard of living and home for the family, we had vacations and did everything as family, we went out as a couple or by ourselves if it was a guys night or girls night... no feelings of lies, cheating or not being with someone who wasnt in love with you in the right way...

After that ended i was a mess a total mess, i signed away my home and the family unit i loved so much crumbled, my world had ended... hit my rock bottom, dusted myself down and started putting myself back together piece by piece, but i still had that piece of the jigsaw missing... someone who i could show i still was able to love and that i had learnt alot after the marriage ended and who should come along but this poor damsel with a story to tell about how bad she had been treated in past r/s... .the rest is history... i was the rescuer who got burnt to a cinder and as to start again just like he did 7 years ago but this time not knowing what was real and what wasnt
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« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2011, 02:38:46 PM »

Was married for over 20 years and then met the BPD almost a year to the day after separating from my husband.
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Moonbug
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« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2011, 02:46:06 PM »

I was divorced for 17 months before meeting my ex.  Marriage was normal, divorce amicable, thought I had grieved and was ready to move on.

I signed up one weekend for a free trial on an online dating site.  He was one of my first connections, and my only date.  That was it.  I justified not dating around because it was free, we had a connection, I tend to only date one person at a time, etc.  Mistakes.

I often wonder... .my friends are all married.  Same with their friends.  My family- all married.  If all the emotionally healthy people are married and only people like my ex are out there at my age (39)- what's left for me? And does that mean I'm not well, too?

I'm sad at my choices right now :-(

Moonbug
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« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2011, 02:56:01 PM »

I was divorced for 17 months before meeting my ex.  Marriage was normal, divorce amicable, thought I had grieved and was ready to move on.

I signed up one weekend for a free trial on an online dating site.  He was one of my first connections, and my only date.  That was it.  I justified not dating around because it was free, we had a connection, I tend to only date one person at a time, etc.  Mistakes.

I often wonder... .my friends are all married.  Same with their friends.  My family- all married.  If all the emotionally healthy people are married and only people like my ex are out there at my age (39)- what's left for me? And does that mean I'm not well, too?

I'm sad at my choices right now :-(

Moonbug

Hey you... lets not be having talk like that... all my friends are married and it is pretty daunting and lonely out on you own but if there are only unhealthy people left ( which we both know there isnt) then i for one would rather be single

Big hug for ya and keep smiling dear lady Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Moonbug
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« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2011, 03:02:25 PM »

Excerpt
Hey you... lets not be having talk like that... all my friends are married and it is pretty daunting and lonely out on you own but if there are only unhealthy people left ( which we both know there isnt) then i for one would rather be single

Big hug for ya and keep smiling dear lady

Thanks Joop  Smiling (click to insert in post) 
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Travis
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« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2011, 03:03:16 PM »

I was coming off an eight my r/s with my NPDgf.  She  discarded me horribly and cruelly for another man.  I was devastated and had become co-dependent.  I wanted to be with another woman so I asked out my current uBPDw who really helped me get over the NPDgf.  She was much younger, and very pretty and I was a bit shocked when she gave me her phone number.  We've been together almost four years, and married for aboout six months.  
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« Reply #8 on: January 29, 2011, 03:09:25 PM »

I was coming off an eight my r/s with my NPDgf.  She  discarded me horribly and cruelly for another man.  I was devastated and had become co-dependent.  I wanted to be with another woman so I asked out my current uBPDw who really helped me get over the NPDgf.  She was much younger, and very pretty and I was a bit shocked when she gave me her phone number.  We've been together almost four years, and married for aboout six months.  

Dont want to hijack the thread but i dont know you story travis ( sorry) but how are you coping? You are one strong dude man i must say
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« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2011, 03:44:40 PM »

Dont want to hijack the thread but i dont know you story travis ( sorry) but how are you coping? You are one strong dude man i must say

Thanks joop.  I don't feel so strong sometimes.  My uBPDw and I have been seperated for about two months.  We've been together three and a half years and married for six months.  We just decided to get back together and give it another try.  I'm a bit apprehensive but willing to put some real effort in and try to make this marriage work.

Thanks for asking how I am coping.  That means a lot.  I've been following your posts and you seem to be doing well.   
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« Reply #10 on: January 29, 2011, 03:59:18 PM »

[[/quote]
Thanks joop.  I don't feel so strong sometimes.  My uBPDw and I have been seperated for about two months.  We've been together three and a half years and married for six months.  We just decided to get back together and give it another try.  I'm a bit apprehensive but willing to put some real effort in and try to make this marriage work.

Thanks for asking how I am coping.  That means a lot.  I've been following your posts and you seem to be doing well.   [/quote]
Hey we are all one family here my friend, fingers crossed for you... yeh im not doing too bad thanks, up and down somedays but im getting there
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« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2011, 06:41:32 PM »

REBOUND? look it up and you'll see my picture. i was in a loveless marriage for the last 15 of 18 years... .no passion, very little sex, she 'just wasnt into me'.

when i turned 50 i decided i saw that the end was closer than the beginning and i decided i would not live without sex and love.

as fate would have it, i met someone like THE NEXT DAY (almost) who seduced me when i was on a business trip and i was so vulnerable i thought this was true love. i thought she was my soulmate. no one could tell me different. i wouldnt hear it. my T told me to WAIT AT LEAST SIX MONTHS and i would hear of it. i immediately told me wife i wanted a divorce, that i found my soulmate. i continued to ignore the warnings (the insecurities, the jealousies, the way her kids treated her) cause she was 'loving' me with a level of passion and sex (anytime, anyplace, any orifice) that i had only ever dreamed of.

two years later we were married... .and the nightmare began. when we were no longer long distance, and living in the same city, i was with her 7 days a week, and the terror began.

the almost nightly rages, the jealous accusations, the name calling, the demands for constant reassurance, the suicide threats, the constant daring me to leave.

well guys, i tried. i talked to her parents, i took her to marital counseling, i set my boundaries, and nothing worked. nothing even REMOTELY worked. one day, she crossed the line one final time, and i left. we have been NC for 3 months, and i consider every day i dont hear from her a great day. i have filed for divorce last week, so we are beginning that process, and i dread it but i must.  she thinks that i am 'bipolar' and if i get the help i need i will be back. hell will freeze over first.

i look at this 'rebound marriage' as the biggest mistake i have ever made, and i vow to heed its lessons as i move forward.
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« Reply #12 on: January 29, 2011, 07:01:38 PM »

I was a couple of years divorced when I met ex.  I dated a couple of women before her, but nothing serious at all.  I knew my ex before we started dating.  She asked me out, and I don't think I ever would have asked her. 

I have often wondered if she was a rebound, but I think I was in a pretty good spot by the time we started dating.
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« Reply #13 on: January 29, 2011, 07:05:32 PM »

I think when we are in rebound mode we project a aura of desperation and become easy prey.  When we are unhealthy we attract unhealthy people.  We also overlook at the Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  to be with someone.  I really was in bad shape when my NPDgf dumped me. 
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« Reply #14 on: January 29, 2011, 07:20:28 PM »

Divorced for 7 years and was about 1 year out of a 5 year relationship that was fairly normal including breakup.

When I met him I (like one other poster here said) was in a really good place emotionally.  Was feeling very strong and had the best self esteem of my life.  I was actually fine being alone and had been for a year.  Things were good.

I was unsure of him at first (should have listened to the gut), but he seemed genuine so I went with it.

Since it was the first relationship after a failed marriage and also a failed long term, I really was looking for "the one".  Thought I found it in him.

But I was wrong, apparently.Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  ?
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Hediditagain
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« Reply #15 on: January 30, 2011, 06:27:15 AM »

The first time I met my ex 20 years ago I was 18 (he was 27) and out on a Hen's night. We went to a club and he was working behond the bar. I really fell in love at first sight. So I kept going back and we got eventually got together. I moved out of my parents home (in the city) into his house about 50 klms out of the city. I was so young and so in love I really thought we would get married and have a family. I stayed for almost 3 years (just before my 21st birthday I left). I simply could not put up with the jealousy and the raging was getting worse. So I moved back to the city. He was cruel, very cruel to me he wouldn't even let me take my clothes but being young and back with my family and friends after 6 months or so of the push pull I managed to move on.

He tried to re-engage me every 12 months or so but in 2003 I had a night out with him as friends (although he tried to get me into bed  ) but then I changed jobs and met my husband. I have since found out that he did get married but it lasted about 6 months and he had also contacted my mother when I was married and she told him that I was married and have a daughter (she never told me about him calling her) she cannot stand him.

My marriage broke down in about May 2008 but I moved into another bedroom and stayed in our marital home for my daughter and financial reasons and then I finally moved out in October 2009 as my daughter was to start school in 2010 and it was inevitable that we would have to move and I wanted her emotionally ready for school.

After being in the new house and spending most of my time doing renovations. I called him in January 2010! I just felt like I needed to take my life back and get out again with some old friends ... .I always remembered his intense jealousy but I must have blocked the rages as I really had forgotten about it until it started again this time. It all went downhill very fast. I wasn't 18 anymore and I also had a child so there had to be boundaries in place. It was over by September but honestly it should have been over within months. I ignored the red flags and I really truly believed that this was going to be the happy ending as I always used to say to myself.

I absolutely would have kissed the ground he walked on (botht he first time and again this time) and he just had to ruin anything I had to give... .for anyone that thinks that time apart will make things different I am sorry to say it doesn't change as a matter of fact he is getting worse as he ages.

What I didn't realise that I was not over my divorce. I was so vunerable and lonely and that was simply why he was able to reengage me this time. I so regret making that phone call but in other ways I don't ... .it has really opened my eyes to be more observant of other peoples behaviour. My radar is probably a little over sensitive at the moment.

I've also since realised that I need to be happy before I can be in a happy, healthy relationship which has made me address other issues that don't relate to him. He's more N than B but I don't care what letter he is, he is PD and they all seem to manage to make their partners feel like they have emotionally been run over by a tractor!
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« Reply #16 on: January 30, 2011, 08:32:14 AM »

I think when we are in rebound mode we project a aura of desperation and become easy prey.  When we are unhealthy we attract unhealthy people.  We also overlook at the Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  to be with someone.  I really was in bad shape when my NPDgf dumped me. 

Sounds accurate.
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« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2011, 08:11:52 PM »

uh... .yeah!  Was still married and it was coming to an end because my husband was emotionally unavailable.  I ended up hooking up with my exBPD which sparked my divorce.  I know I didn't leave my husband for my exBPD because the problems were already there but he was definitely a catalyst to the divorce.  I've been in therapy and know that my husband's emotional unavailability made me crave the emotional connection that BPDs seem to excel at providing - temporarily.  I was desperate to keep that connection so I held on to my BPD r/s way too long. I was concerned about his mental health but I believed the words he said - that I was his soulmate and we were perfect.  That is until I saw him post similar proclamations to another woman on FB and then try to make me think it was my fault.  I still miss him so badly and that special connection we had  but I now know thanks to therapy that this neediness isn't about him, it's about my own emotional healing that still needs to happen.  Almost broke n/c contact but managed to struggle through.
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« Reply #18 on: February 02, 2011, 08:27:52 AM »

I was a couple months out of a 18 month relationship.  I'd accepted it, the relationship had had it's difficulties. 

Yes, I was lonely and wanting to be with someone.  I think that's a natural thing, to want companionship, love. 

ExBPD and I had a shared history many years ago.  He found me out of the blue on FB.  And yep, I was ripe for the pickin'... .and because of our past history, trust (utterly faulty tho it turned out to be) was already established. 
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« Reply #19 on: February 02, 2011, 08:29:58 AM »

Excerpt
Yes, I was lonely and wanting to be with someone.  I think that's a natural thing, to want companionship, love. 

I think so too.
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« Reply #20 on: February 02, 2011, 08:50:13 AM »

Excerpt
I'm sad at my choices right now

Oh Moonbug, cheer up!  It's better out there than you think!  First of all, where are you in the healing process, have you finished recovering?  Have you worked a plan with your T for re-entry into the dating world?  I could go on and on, but the bottom line is YES there are lots of healthy people out there of all ages that are looking for the same, great, healthy r/s that you seek.  BUT, if you aren't in the same healthy boat they are, you really don't stand much of a chance.  Like attracts like.  So let's work on getting you ready!

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« Reply #21 on: February 02, 2011, 09:12:43 AM »

Our relationship certainly was a rebound relationship but not for me, for HIM.  I had not been in a relationship prior to him but he had been. It's not a surprise to me now that I understand their desperate need to feel loved and even worshiped for how 'wonderful' they are. They turn it on full force in the beginning, then once you're hooked, the tide begins to recede.  Of course, we all know the trail of tears from that moment on.
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« Reply #22 on: February 02, 2011, 09:34:48 AM »

Our relationship certainly was a rebound relationship but not for me, for HIM.  I had not been in a relationship prior to him but he had been. It's not a surprise to me now that I understand their desperate need to feel loved and even worshiped for how 'wonderful' they are. They turn it on full force in the beginning, then once you're hooked, the tide begins to recede.  Of course, we all know the trail of tears from that moment on.

Mine was absolutely a rebound for him as well.  Although he assured me his prior relationship was over and he was fine, I got the impression later that he was only days out when he sought me out on FB.  

I think I was used to soothe his ego, and to hurt his ex.  And of course, I was used as a ticket for him to move home.  He was originally from my area, but had moved many states away years ago.  

Did he love me?  I believe he did in the early months, as BPD's are able to love.  But of course we know that sustaining that, for them, is impossible. 

Everything was wonderful for several months, then over time degenerated into a complete mess.  :)rama, push pull, Ex games, walking on eggshells, etc... .

I've seen a lot, but I can honestly say it was the worst, most hurtful relationship experience of my life.  

I guess the bright side is there's nowhere to go but up from that... .
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« Reply #23 on: February 02, 2011, 12:23:16 PM »

Excerpt
Oh Moonbug, cheer up!  It's better out there than you think!  First of all, where are you in the healing process, have you finished recovering?  Have you worked a plan with your T for re-entry into the dating world?  I could go on and on, but the bottom line is YES there are lots of healthy people out there of all ages that are looking for the same, great, healthy r/s that you seek.  BUT, if you aren't in the same healthy boat they are, you really don't stand much of a chance.  Like attracts like.  So let's work on getting you ready!

Awww... .Thanks thisblonde.  I think when I wrote that though, I was thinking more that I was sad about my choices leading me into and keeping me in the relationship with my ex. 

I'm in no way ready to even consider a relationship.  I'm so far from that now.  (one full week of LC down!)  I do know there are many wonderful people out there, I'm just currently seeing the world through very fuzzy eyes. The healthy boat can sail without me for now- I'm ok with that  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Moonbug
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« Reply #24 on: February 02, 2011, 12:47:27 PM »

Excerpt
, I was sad about my choices leading me into and keeping me in the relationship with my ex. 

Now that could make anyone sad!  But it's the right area to examine if you really want to make sure you don't have another experience like that again!  Hang in there, there's no need to rush!   Just keep working on you, and when the time comes, you will be ready for the good stuff, a nice, calm, smooth, healthy r/s. 
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« Reply #25 on: February 02, 2011, 01:43:44 PM »

Excerpt
I've seen a lot, but I can honestly say it was the worst, most hurtful relationship experience of my life. 

Me too.
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« Reply #26 on: February 02, 2011, 04:22:00 PM »

First I want to say thanks for this post as this is why I come back every now and then, to remind myself what really was... .especially when out of the blue I feel weak and think about reaching out... .yeah, year and a half out of fog and I still wonder now and then if I should reach out... .

Absolutely a rebound for me.  I had just gone through a tough divorce after a 17 year relationship/13 year marriage and I was in a dark dark place.  I was less than a year out of my divorce being finalized and my BPDexgf seemed to come out of nowhere and swept me off my feet... .my life, the divorce, whatever it all finally made sense to me and I was going to be better than OK I was finally going to have everything I had ever looked for or imagined I could have... .yeah right there's a huge red flag, WAY WAY WAY to perfect, I had won the lottery... .unfortunatly I doubled down and lost it all and then some, HA!
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« Reply #27 on: February 03, 2011, 01:51:09 AM »

Mine was a rebound. And you could say it was a rebound of a rebound.

I was married for 10 yrs. I developed an anxiety disorder, and my exh couldn't handle it.  He divorced me in 2005. It was a pretty normal marriage, but his first wife was BPD.  He had abandonment issues due to his parents divorce when he was 5. Some martyr issues, abandonment issues... .etc. He was married when I met him, but he wasn't totally honest about that. Red flag, I know, but I only know of it in hindsight.

aNyway, when he divorced me, I was crushed. Traumatized.  Took me 6 months to even get to a functional level-during that time I was staying with my family.

I then rebounded into a verbally abusive rel'ship with a narcissist. The same week I broke up with him, I met my exBPD. Although, we didn't date each other for a month and a half. HE got attached to me pretty quickly. I really didn't think of it as anything longterm, because we had an age difference. Now it's 3.5 yrs and about 10 breakups later... .
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« Reply #28 on: February 03, 2011, 02:36:45 PM »

Yep, big time rebound here.

Married 13 years to first wife. Met my BPDxw the same month my divorce was final.

We were married 6 months later. I was 39 and scared to death of being alone.
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« Reply #29 on: August 10, 2012, 12:57:35 AM »

Thanks for bumping.

I had been recently broken up with my BPD/OCD ex of three years before I met the current ex.  My previous ex was a very different flavor of BPD.  She wasn't deceptive, we spent everyday together.  There weren't any major sexual issues.  However, sometimes she would get mad at me if I made a silly joking comment and she would tell me to leave.  I thought it was absurd because she was serious, but I thought it was such weird behavior, I kind of laughed at it, especially after a few times of her calling me back minutes later or the next day.  I never felt like she was unfaithful, lying, etc.  But she was kind of a b---h.  We recycled a couple times and I was very sad to lose her.

I started moving on.  There were a few months between recycles, so it became a little less "solid" each time and the breakups were a little less painful.  After the last recycle, I started feeling confident and secure with being alone.  I was talking to women I found attractive, I was being flirty, I felt connected to the world again.

Then I met the current uBPDex.  Right when I met her there was instant chemistry and I thought "I want this girl! She is the one I have been searching for!"  It never felt so right, like this woman had been specifically designed for me.

So, maybe she was a rebound.  Not sure.  But she left her ex to be with me.  So I guess I was her rebound... .or supply... .or corner of the triangle... .whatever you want to call it.

I should have left then when I found out she still had a boyfriend.  But, as I mentioned in another thread, she made him sound pretty abusive and heartless, and she as the victim, so I made it OK in my mind.

And this is how it all started... .

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« Reply #30 on: August 10, 2012, 09:52:51 AM »

Yes this bump was very appropriate for me and my circumstances. I was six months out of a 27 year relationship. REBOUND MAX! I was walking in a zombie fog when I met BPDgf. The first six months were as if I found heaven on earth. EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE O.K. Adoration, Love, Sex, Mutual Interests, Yada Yada. Then she moved into my house and immediately quit her job and the gaslighting began. My first clue(1 month after moving into my home) was finding very recent ongoing graphic sexual texts to her previous bf on her cell phone. That's when things began to slide for me. The lies were so childlike. She knew I knew better but she hung with her lies. I then found her Face Booking her previous husband from 10 years previous!red-flag . As I began to withdraw from this perceived unreliability her behaviors became more unstable and the devaluing began in earnest. To make a long story short when I asked her on Christmas eve if she was seeing someone else as she was leaving all dressed hot and unannounced she responded with "if I was you wouldn't know". I did not see her again for three days. She just drove off Christmas eve.  She returned with an attitude that I had no right to ask where she had been. I had her moved out within a 2 weeks time time. It took money and a car and me finding her employment to get her out. I felt literally like a hostage. She wanted to continue having sex but I refused. The plot thickens and she caused me much more grief since leaving but I have been 3 months NC and plan on holding to that. She(BPDgf) is on her second relationship since our parting. Still tries to contact me. I feel I did my separated wife such a disservice in this re-bound. She would like to reconcile at the present and I am still in a recovery process that I feel she would not understand and frankly one that I am even embarrassed about with my Therapist. But I am working on it and do hope for the best. I am also finding recently that I have a responsibility to myself and my family to truly heal and need not only forgive myself but also the BPDgf. The poor thing... .she must truly suffer... .I have an opportunity to reflect and repair... .her M.O. seems to be ignore and move on... .an empty way of life IMHO... .her future is not bright as she is no kid(45).     
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« Reply #31 on: August 10, 2012, 01:09:41 PM »

My relationship with the BPD ex was after a divorce, as well. A couple years later, and i thought i was in a good place, ready for real love to come along, felt good about myself... .It really seemed like it was the real thing, too. I ignored a lot of red flags, though, thinking, I'm just getting to know her, this stuff will smooth out, she just had a rough life so far but with me things will be so much better... .Well, her patterns increased and the fights got worse, she really did abuse me and caused a lot of pain, and it knocked me down in a lot of ways. Now that we're apart, I don't feel very confident anymore. I couldn't see anybody wanting to be with me now, there's too much sadness, too many questions in my eyes. Do i still believe in love? Yes. Still want a good relationship? Of course. But i have to say, i feel way more wary about it all, and feel it may just never really happen. Going in, i felt about the best i'd ever felt. Coming out? About the worst. I don't feel it was a 'rebound' as much as i was ready for something real. Well, it's about as real as it gets, with all of these illusions tossed in as well. It's made me really look at myself to see how i could have attracted someone like this, been with someone like this, put up with stuff like this... .I may be kind of needy, but i surely didn't need any of this. It's like i have to start all over again, building confidence, reclaiming the good vision of myself that i once had... .Hoping the next time, if there is one, it won't be a rebound or another BPD experience.

Snap in every way, except I had been single for 5 years and believed I was in an excellent position (having learnt from past abusive relationships and living by myself) to enter into a new one. Boy did I think  knew what I was doing, but like you... .I ignored so many red flags 
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« Reply #32 on: August 10, 2012, 08:26:22 PM »

oh my gosh, I was only 2 months out of a 13 year marriage, so I guess so.  He was about 6 months out of his, so rebound-squared.  But can you call a 5 year r/s a rebound?
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« Reply #33 on: September 10, 2012, 10:47:28 AM »

Mine was the classic notion of a rebound: a few month's out of a very long-time marriage, 28 years together with a non, 22 of them married. I was like a kid in a candy store.

M
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« Reply #34 on: September 10, 2012, 12:09:52 PM »

I started seeing "my" exBPD 8 months after coming out of a 10 year marriage, she played me properly, said and did all the right things,its like they can smell the sadness and desperation in our lives and feed off of it! Then once you open up to them they know they have you and the real them comes out, which then just makes us more insecure and confused! BPD`s you cant live with and you cant... .!
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« Reply #35 on: September 10, 2012, 02:14:22 PM »

Excerpt
I ended up hooking up with my exBPD which sparked my divorce.

yea, that's my situation. my ex wife met someone else and I was still married and living with the wife but fell totally in love with my BPD baby and the beginning was heaven but she moved in after my wife moved out and wow did things change. There were constant bizarre accusations thrown at me and our seeming happiness could turn on an irrational dime into raging chaotic conflict. Breakup/makeup, breakup/makeup, and I threw her out twice for suspicions of cheating that I later found out were true, but that she denied with lies so brilliantly constructed I have to admit there were times I was in awe of this remarkable skill she had. She moved away temporarily and I'd like to say I've had no contact, and I was doing good but have done some serious backsliding. She's going to need a  place to stay temporarily in 4 weeks so that's what has generated her renewed interest in me and i shouldn't bite, I know this in my head but we've been apart and like they say, pain has no memory. Engaging in this site helps me strengthen my resolve somewhat but at this point if I cave after everything I've gone through then I deserve the unhappiness that I surely will have invited back into my home and my life. 
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« Reply #36 on: September 10, 2012, 03:03:07 PM »

In looking back  I was in a rebound situation when I met the soon to be exudBPDw in my life. I had just gone through having a relationship end in one of those "it just wasn't in the cards" relationships. We had to go in separate directions due to family and work situations even though we loved each other. Still friends to this day I may add. Part of the breakup was caused by my working all over the country and working all hours of the day sometimes for weeks. I went back to the city  I was living in at the time quit my job and had got another one that did not require travel thinking this would prevent another breakup due to work.

After a year or so I  was in a local high end restaurant and met the BPD.  Looking back and knowing what I know now all the classic stages were present. But she idealized me in many ways.  I likely somewhat bored with my new job, my friends were all getting involved in long term relationships, my family was asking if I had met anybody serious yet, when we were dating she wanted to do everything I suggested, she liked all my friends, life was good... .Yeah right.  I blamed myself the first couple of times she went ballistic on me for being late getting home one time, and not calling right away when I went away for a night about two hundred miles away. Sigh... .
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« Reply #37 on: September 11, 2012, 03:24:32 AM »

yes I was a rebound, like the new guy too, and the guys before and the guys after. Did you ever see a BPD without an emotional supporter on their side... for more then 1 week? not me Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I think 1 Week until max 1 Month they can survive this with a little bit of hallucination and depression, then they act out and take the next available knight in shining armor.
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« Reply #38 on: September 11, 2012, 01:06:32 PM »

No question for me. I went from one right into the other. Divorce right to the BPD relationship.


I was mirrored in spectacular fashion! She became all I was ever looking for. Great (based on lies however) for about 5 months and then the problems started. I have come to the point where I know I should have never gotten involved with her to begin with. She is very very attractive and younger so I wasn't thinking with the brain attached to my neck!

For me and I am sure many others this is why it is so tough to let go, between the mirroring and our vulnerability and whatever personal issues we might have... .these sort of relationships feel like heaven. Once it is lost it is difficult to convince yourself it wasn't.

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seeking balance
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« Reply #39 on: September 11, 2012, 01:25:39 PM »

Who wouldn't want to be idealized after getting dumped, right?

So, what does this mean for us all here right now - moving forward - what lesson can we take from this?
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« Reply #40 on: September 11, 2012, 02:29:09 PM »

Mine wasn't a rebound. More like I was in the middle of a huge financial crisis/life change. Selling my house & moving with four kids 300 miles out of the city where they'd all been born/raised just so I could maybeget work with no money/no help etc. ... .and my uNPD/BPD/HPD mom, oldest son/girlfriend, and another "friend" who'd needed a place to stay for "a couple of days" but had all ended up living with me/not paying rent for several months.

Looking back, the little romance I started with my upwBPD in the middle of all this mess was supposed to be a distraction from my problems. When it started to become one (red flags GALORE!), I think I was too overwhelmed with everything else going on at the time to really deal with it. Just put the whole thing in the pile marked "important but not urgent," and did what I needed to do to get the house sold and move.

By the time I got to that pile six months later I'd gotten so emotionally enmeshed in the idealized fantasy self/relationship he projected that I genuinely believed the only problem "we" had was me and my unrealistic, irrational, reactionary, unwarranted, unfair, and paranoid boundaries, expectations, demands, indecisiveness, suspicions, priorities, etc...

Sigh.

Maybe the thing to be learned/remembered is that ANY life crisis - whether it's the end of a romantic relationship, the death of a loved one, a major illness, job change, household move, problem with the kids, etc. - makes us more afraid, more vulnerable, and more open therefore to making decisions that are ultimately not really in our best interest at all.

I don't know. Just a thought.
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« Reply #41 on: September 11, 2012, 03:56:17 PM »

Rebound.  It was about eight months after my late wife passed away (was with her 14 years).  I've known this girl for 9 years though (co-worker).  She was more of an acquaintance.  I had always admired her beauty from afar but I was married.

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« Reply #42 on: December 01, 2012, 09:39:09 AM »

My BPDbf and I started dating two months after I just ended a significant 2 years relationship. He also just ended his a few weeks before dating me. It happens really fast, and we never been separated since day 1.'

Just like many of Nons here, I was desperate to find someone to build a family with due to my ex's unwilling to commit... .(I was heart broken when my ex told me he will never get married to me because he wants to go out to see the world, and he told me not to waste my time on him anymore that's how we ended before I met my BPDbf.)

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« Reply #43 on: December 03, 2012, 07:40:07 PM »

seeking balance -

My relationship with my wife of 17 years ended abruptly when she died of cancer.  I took it very hard and was grieving and lost, when I met my new partner/wife.  I did not give the relationship the time it needed.  I was emotionally needy and wanted my old life back.

So it was a rebound and I wanted to signal to my parents that I was ok.  It is really hard when you go to visit the family and there's a photo or someone says something that triggers some distant memory and a tear comes out of your eyes.  You then proceed to have a meltdown.  I remember feeling embarrassed.  Then everyone want to come and make you happy, like you are some broken toy and are not supposed to be sad, etc.  But really people need to grieve, just accept that they will be sad.  Don't try to make them happy.
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« Reply #44 on: June 29, 2013, 09:24:53 AM »

I met my ex while I was in a very bad marriage.  I lived a very sheltered existence.  We talked many hours about how I wanted normalcy.  To be that person who

went to bbq's and had a few beers with their friends.  He wanted the same things.  I thought we had gone from a friendship to romantic relationship.

In reality his fishing line and bait had just caught himself a fish.  I bought it hook, line and sinker.  From day one there was a part of me that told me to stop this relationship.

Everyone else saw it for what it was.  Why couldnt I?
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« Reply #45 on: June 29, 2013, 09:34:00 AM »

Yes... . I was hurting for love... . companionship... . closeness after my wife passed away from a 7 year battle with cancer!
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« Reply #46 on: May 01, 2014, 10:24:44 AM »

I met my uBPDgf a month after a BU with a normal R/S, i did not see the red flags or perhaps choose to ignore it... . and i guess at that time she knew i was vulnerable and swept me off my feet... . 12 years later 2 months ago, she left... .

12years of rollercoaster and my life is now like after a trunami
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« Reply #47 on: May 01, 2014, 09:57:26 PM »

Interesting topic.  I guess in retrospect it was a rebound relationship.  Had been separated from my husband for just over a year.  Met him.  Wasn't really "jazzed" at the first meeting but thought I need to go out with somebody sometime.  Was completely hooked in about two weeks.

My xHB literally went off the rails.  I gave him an ultimatum.  I said you need to leave until you get some help.  We had a child.  Ended up being diagnosed BiPolar.  Went on meds and for awhile I got my husband and my life back.  Then he went off meds and I'll spare you all the rest of it.  In any case I wasn't sure if I'd ever even date again.  But I was sure if I did it would be someone who was emotionally healthy and valued me.  I was really happy with my life.  Then I met him.  What scares me is that during our first break up  (with BPD) I dated a couple of guys who were "healthy" and who did value me.  Both guys who had been through a lot of crap with their Xwives.  We could empathize... . you know?  One of the guy's xWife was BPD.  Yet I went back to him.  And he dumped me again.  And now I'm a total mess again.  So clearly he's not the only one with relationship "issues". 
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« Reply #48 on: May 02, 2014, 12:12:57 PM »

Yes, in a way. Although not an immediate one, as my ex is not attractive enough to secure instant replacements. Much of our dating was spent talking about her most recent ex. There were many obvious red flags that I chose to ignore (she was literally ruminating during some of our dates). I also think that is also telling of me as much as it is about her. I am doing serious work on being insistent on my own needs: an emotionally healthy partner or nothing.
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« Reply #49 on: January 11, 2017, 09:59:27 AM »

My relationship with someone with BPD wasn't a rebound.  I had been since for a year and change, and was happy playing the field when she expressed interest.  I guess it happens to all of us.
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« Reply #50 on: January 11, 2017, 11:12:45 AM »

This topic hits really close to home.

I've shared this in other topics before but long story short, I met my BPD ex literally 2 days after a painful exit from a 6 year relationship that was overwhelmingly healthy. I did not go out seeking any dates etc., it was all just an incredibly unlucky series of events and emotions that led me into the web of my BPD ex.

I remember so well that the night I met her, I had run an errand at a store nearby my favorite bar and just felt like going home but it was my first Friday evening in my new city and I felt like I should head over there just to have a drink. I wouldn't say that I was incredibly sad/morose but I definitely wasn't feeling great due to the very recent end of my relationship. It was pure coincidence that I found myself sitting next to my BPD ex as the bar emptied out and we entered into a 2+ hour conversation that culminated in her asking for my number and texting me to see me the next night right after I left.

All of that aside, the combination of being in a weakened emotional state due to the breakup combined with the almost instantaneous idealization/love-bombing coming from her made me so incredibly susceptible to getting involved with her. That love-bombing & pedestalization is powerful to anyone but especially so when you are dealing with the fresh wounds of a failed long term relationship. I'll always wonder what my life would be like today if I had never decided to go to the bar that night but revisionist history isn't going to help me at all.
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« Reply #51 on: January 11, 2017, 03:37:40 PM »

Uncomfortable truth.  This cuts and still hurts almost 20 years later.
I was several years into in a very positive, deep relationship that I / we ended on logical terms (job took me a long distance, and we were different religions).  I got settled in my new track, considered I was in a station in life that I should get married.  I found an eligible girl of the same faith, and figured it was a good enough match.  I was still heartsick from the ending of my previous relationship, and I stupidly thought (I guess) that my future relationships would be a positive and logical.  It was a rebound.  I must have thought what I wanted to think, or seen what I wanted to see, because I flew past all kinds of red flags. 
I remember the profound regret and depression that came immediately upon getting married.
I'd like to wipe that one decision from my life. 
Alas.
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« Reply #52 on: January 11, 2017, 04:17:57 PM »

I was already in a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship for 10 1/2 years when I literally stumbled across my BPDex.  Unbeknownst to me the BPD's prior relationship of 6 years was falling apart. (I now believe that BPD victim escaped as well and out of necessity.)

I admit I was mesmerized by the BPD when I met him and look back and see just how many red flags I chose to ignore.  I now realize just how much energy he got from me telling the story to his friends of how I met him and how blown away I was by him.  He came to visit me in the US from Europe knowing that I was already in a relationship.  He had no idea of the condition of my relationship when he came to visit as we never discussed the subject.  He had met my partner at the time I first met him and judged my former partner to be very weak; too weak in fact for me.  He must have assumed that I would be easy prey.  I realize now he also had a plan "B" in place if he would have not been able to seduce me or if his plan backfired.

When the BPD came to visit, I was swept off my feet and my life changed.  I had to exit my current relationship at that time. (One the hardest things I ever had to do in my life but I now had a real reason to do so other than it just being "me".)  The new relationship with the BPD started and all my friends, co-workers and family were amazed by the changes in me.  Friends for 30 years said they had never seen me so happy.  I changed my decades old hairstyle, exercised, started eating healthy, etc. all at the insistence of the BPD.

I strayed from a relationship that was not fulfilling and in which I felt trapped.  Then, after the BPD came into my life I actually felt rescued!  I now see that I was captured by an interloper who with his own loss of having just been exited by his partner, was able to seduce me and whisk me off on a journey of which I still try to say the positives outweigh the negatives.  I guess one could call the experience a rebound of sorts for me; I rebounded from a dysfunctional relationship with a BPD after I had stumbled across one at the most opportune moment.  Interesting stuff... .             
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« Reply #53 on: January 12, 2017, 06:33:13 AM »

I'd say I fall under personal crisis.

But really I was just bitterly unhappy and lonely. Very confused about why my life was so bad etc. I had complex ptsd from childhood abuse and was heavily codependent. I was also unaware of any of this. Had no idea about red flags or how dating really worked etc.

I had mild depression for the 2 years before meeting her and was just getting by day to day, didn't really have any friends or anything. Then all of a sudden this pretty, fun girl wants to hang out all the time and starts getting a "crush" on me etc. Wow, what a change in fortunes! She must be "the one" everyone says I haven't met yet!

So I was an easy mark.

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