What Have You Learned? [Testimonials]

[myself]

We're all at our own levels here, as far as where we are in the detaching/ healing process. I am wondering what some of you have learned, so far, from the experience. Something positive. Something good about yourself, how to be better people from now on, how you've untangles something from your past... .Whatever you'd care to share.

I'm still sad, and I'm still questioning things. I've learned, though, that I am a compassionate person, a loving person, and someone who helps a friend as best I can. Not that I didn't know this before, but, it's been a very trying situation with my BPD ex, I've been tested by the fires as so many of you have, and yet I see that I stuck it out. Partially due to not wanting to be alone, to believing in love so much, and falling for the hooks and illusions, sure. But in large part, I find, looking back, I was really trying to help her have a better life. A real friend she could count on. Someone who said they loved her and meant it. Was I played? Sure, in some ways. It's in the nature of this disorder. Not even that she did it intentionally, but, it's what happens. When it came down to it, though, I did my best and then some. I've learned that I can be proud of myself for that. That I forgive her for being who and how she is, and I am learning to forgive myself for acting/reacting badly with her, as well. I've learned the hard lesson that love is not enough. It takes real human effort to help a relationship flourish, on both sides. I've learned, again, that if one has a problem, both do.

[orillia]

I've learned that if you don't take the time to heal, ALONE, after a bad relationship, you will end up in another unhealthy one!

[ArtistGuy70]

I've learned... .

1. I don't NEED a romantic partner to be happy

2. I am stronger than I thought

3. I never needed her for my artwork or vision

4. I am more realistic about relationships and the world

5. I learned to start listening to my gut feelings

6. I learned not to be so believable and to watch for red flags

7. I learned to not avoid things just to keep the peace if it's something important

[Mystic]

I didn't write this, but it sums it up:

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... .when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity,you stop dead in your tracks and somewherethe voice inside your head cries out... .

ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.  Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum,you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness,safety, and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you... .

and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.  You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... .and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself... .and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you - or didn't do for you -and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean nor mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn't always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself... .and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties... .and in the process a sense of peace and contentment are born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown,or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, and it's not your job to save the world.  You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be.You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control situations and outcomes.You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty, and so you take more time to rest.

And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul.So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone,and that it's OKAY to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people... .and you learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody's punishing you and everything isn't always somebody's fault. It's just life happening.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls You learn that negative feelings such as anger,envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed,a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You understand that nobody can love as you do or give themselves as you do.

Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand,you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want... to live as best you can.

 

[Skip]

The above work (in blue) was written by Denise M. "sonny" Carroll.  It is entitled "The Awakening  (A Time Comes In Your Life)  My understanding is that this is published in the Alcoholics Anonymous "Big Book".  The author wrote 3 pieces, The Awakening, Awakening and Acceptance, Awakening to Self-Love



A few things that I've hopefully learned:

• the NIH published a report that 25% of the US population is suffering from a mental illness each day - that means 1 out of 4 people are probably not in an emotionally healthy state for starting a relationship (including us)

• good mental health means making hard choices and at times taking the disciplined fork in the road, rather than the "feeling/desires" road - it may hurt for now - but it will hurt less in the long run

• before we blame our partner for the relationship failures, we need to look at ourselves - are we leading the relationship in a substantially healthy direction - or are we floundering ourselves

• relationships built on selfishness don't do well - be it our partners selfishness or our own - relationships need to be built on giving

• giving is not giving what we see as important, but understanding what is important to our partner and to the relationship and giving that

• if what our partner wants is fundamentally unhealthy things and is not willing to embrace change and try to grow together in a healthy direction - we can't change them - we can only respect who they are, and respect who we are, and move on

• our failure to act in healthy ways is not caused by other people - it is caused by us

• only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.

• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night (just curious if anyone is reading

Interesting exercise.  Thanks.

Skippy

[Mystic]

Most of all I learned that words and promises mean nothing.  The only true measure of character is shown in actions and consistency of behavior over time.  You can learn a lot about a person by really looking closely at their life and relationship history.  

And if they talk smack about every ex partner or spouse, big red flag.  You'll be next. 

[thisblonde]

What I learned most was a new way of thinking about... .well almost everything I do in life. Besides all the education on BPD, him, me, etc. , I had to embrace a new concept, one that went against everything I thought I knew.  

It's this: there are 2 sides to every belief and action.  To understand that every good quality I have can be used in a destructive way, unless I can manage my emotions better.  And to understand that that management must come from a place of emotional health in order to manage them well.  

When I first went into T, it was session after session on building my portfolio of all the GOOD things about me.  My list of what makes me... .well, me.  

Then came the "not so good" traits list.  I defended to the end that there is nothing on the first list that belonged on the second list.  I refused to accept that anything Good or Great about me could ever be considered Wrong (as in the actions, not the person), or not so good.  

But... .that changed over the course of therapy.

We talk of being SO tolerant, compassionate, strong (as in committed no matter how bad things are), etc.  and those are ALL good qualities, BUT ONLY if they are used appropriately.   Otherwise they are good qualities used in the wrong way, which will bring about painful results.  

I never, ever, had examined how my good qualities could be used BY ME in a self destructive, sabotaging way.  I was forced to examine them as both GOOD and NOT SO GOOD, depending on how I used them.  That was so new to me.  I just thought that every GOOD quality could never be considered BAD.  My T explained that those qualities are not considered BAD, they just can be used in the WRONG way, in which the results will be BAD.   That was a real eye opening lesson for me.   A new lesson in thinking, being mindful in the moment... .of MY actions, my motivations for doing what I was doing at the time, and being realistic about possible outcomes.  

Beyond that, I think the next revelation was more about manifesting what I want in my life by directing my thoughts and actions.  Retraining my mind, using discipline to stay within my plan, etc.  It was a time a huge personal growth.   Real life lessons, not just BPD, or r/s eduction, but things that applied to my life as a whole.

[Crystal Ball]

I’ve learned that I have to love myself and feel my importance from within.  Those gifts I have to give myself and not look towards someone else to fill my needs.

[Iguana]

I have learned what 'true' love is and is not.

I have learned to find joy and happiness internally and not look for someone else to provide it

I have learned patience.

I have learned self-control

I have learned long suffering.

I have learned to be a kinder person.

I have learned that this struggle and pain were not in vain and I am a better man for it.

[Im done]

I have learned…

That I should never have sex with someone until I get to know them better, as it only clouds my judgement.

That if you really want to know what a person is all about and what their character truly is, put in an imaginary set of earplugs for a week and don’t listen to what they’re saying - watch only their actions

That I should never date an alcoholic, a drug addict, or anyone with more problems than I have.

That I am REALLY not responsible for fixing someone else.  (That was a big one.)

That I am responsible for my own life, my own health, and my own happiness.

What my values are, and what I want and don’t want in a relationship partner.

That I should see things as they truly are, trust my gut instinct and not try to put a “spin” on reality to make it conform to what I want to see.

That I am a worthy person, just by virtue of existing.

That I am so much stronger than I thought I was.

That I really like myself.  I am my own best friend, and I don’t need the validation of another person to feel that I am worthy.  I will never again apologize for who I am.

That I am worthy of respect, compassion, dignity and courtesy.

[seeking balance]

What have I learned:

1. Fairy tails belong with Disney - life is difficult and sometimes unfair; no prince/princess is going to swoop in and save the day.  Having happiness and quality life takes work, discipline and gratitude.

2. I am amazingly strong.  Sometimes the greatest strength is knowing when to be vulnerable and ask for help from someone who has proven to be trustworthy.

3. Sometimes we must endure the pain, sit in it - to fully move through to the other side.  Shortcutting the process will likely result in even more problems.

4. People are amazing - the kindness of others is everywhere if I just open my eyes.

5. Radical Acceptance of the moment.

6. I might fail, but that doesn't make me a bad person - it makes me human.

7. BPD is a mental illness - it isn't like having a cold.  It is real and demonizing a person with this illness doesn't help anything.

8. patience, tolerance, gratitude - for myself and others.

9. Feelings are not facts - facts are facts

[El Castor]

I've learnt about my own problem: codependancy, which I am working on.  

[whydoIcare]

I have not been posting for a couple weeks after a few months on this site. Reality is I have moved on, getting on with life and given up on introspection. It’s over and is time to start living again! Frankly it feels good. So two reasons for this the ‘final post’ – firstly to thank the people who run the site and those members who have provided invaluable support – listening to other men and women’s near identical experiences and ways of coping has just about kept me sane. A very BIG thank you. It’s good to know you are not alone.

Secondly my DIY survival guide for coming out of a relationship with a BPD ex partner. Maybe not for everyone, but this is kinda what I did and it got me through a very painful and messy part of my life.

1.   Always remember, however lonely and hurt you feel, it can only get better. Time is a great healer. As the saying goes; the worst day in your life only lasts 24 hours!

2.   Try not to be bitter. However badly you have been treated accept it is an illness, not entirely their fault, and remember however hard it is for you to cope, your BPD ex is probably deep-down, in much more pain than you could ever anticipate.

3.   Don’t seek or fantasize about revenge. It does not help because you are rationalizing the pain they caused you as if he/she were ‘normal’. Accept BPDs are not normal and you are half-way to getting over it.

4.   Be honest with yourself. Do not put hope in front of common-sense and experience. If you are being ‘recycled’ you know it inside. Be honest with yourself.

5.   Do not over-analyze and relive conversations with your ex. It does not help. My downfall for a while was thinking – ‘what if I had said / done things differently?’ It is SELF INFLICTED torture. Don’t do it. My new rationale when occasionally tempted to do this is to think ‘what if I had said / done things differently? – Then I may still be stuck in that awful unhealthy destructive relationship, thank God I did not think differently!’

6.   When you miss your ex, when that pit of stomach desire for what it was like at the beginning creeps up on you, think about and focus on the worst moments. When they hurt you, lied to you, when you found out about an affair or when they just made you feel small.

7.   Talk to your friends / family as much as you can. Bore them with it. Getting stuff out helps. And there are occasional gems of advice from the most unexpected sources. I keep my octogenarian fathers Yorkshire plain speaking words in my head as they are correct and make me laugh. He said ‘Son you just found a wrong ‘un. Go and find a nice girl instead.’ Thanks Dad you know how to simplify things!

8.   Banish demons. Visit the old haunts where you hung out with your ex. The bars and restaurants, the walks etc. Don’t let them become significant, they are just places with tables and chairs.

9.   Celebrate your strength. You are coming through a truly horrible life experience, but you are doing it yourself because you are strong and because you are taking control. Celebrate small personal victories – the good days. Don’t worry about the bad days. Keep reminding yourself that it is going to get easier. It will.

10.   Forgive yourself and forgive your ex. You made a mistake and fooled yourself into believing your relationship could work. Forgive yourself for wanting to believe, despite all the negative experiences you lived through, for not being strong enough to get out when you should have. It’s human to make mistakes and to want to believe in the people we love. Forgive your ex because they do not know what they have done. It’s forgivable!

Best of luck to everyone. And thanks again.

WhyDoICare 

- actually I don’t care anymore! At least not about the ex!

[Serena_S]

I think I will print this out and hang it up somewhere.

Thank you for sharing!

[The Ride]

I've learned that just when I thought I knew it all, there is alot about life, people, relationships and myself that I didn't know.  It's pretty scarey being 40 years old and realizing that some personal issues are not resolved.  And this may be keeping me stuck and choosing unhealthy people because I may be unhealthy myself (codependency).  I had to take a step back and look at my past relationships objectively and realize that I have a habit, if you will, of choosing people with major issues.  Like alcoholism, narcissism, BPD... .you name it.  If you put 20 men in a room, I without even knowing them at all, would pick a dysfunctional one.  Weird, so I'm now looking deep inside myself to figure out why this is a pattern for me.  Great thread btw.

[Overcomingbpd]

For me this has been a heck of a ride I hope I never repeat but I learned a lot. I learned boundaries are more important than I ever knew. Before BP I was a live and let live person. I had my boundaries but other people were not held to my standards. If someone had different boundaries I just let it go. Now my boundaries matter. I choose not to be around people who won't respect my boundaries.

I learned what other people think of me is none of my business. I still want to be liked but not at the risk of losing me. Some people will hate or be mean to you and its ok just to walk away. Don't try to figure out why or convince them your a nice person. If they can't see that move on.

I learned who my real friends are. Most of them were running for the hills when the madness broke loose. I am stronger than I ever knew, this almost broke me, but it didn't. I am proud of that.

I am learning to trust my judgement. I knew this marriage was hopeless a year ago, but I didn't trust me enough to move on.

I am learning sometimes walking away from a bad r/s takes more strength and courage than staying for the fight and trying to win a losing battle.

It has taught me to quit putting me last. If I am not ok I can't take care of others. My feelings and needs are just as important as everyone else's.

It taught me you can only change yourself. You can't love someone well, or make someone do right because it is right.You can't make people seek help or take their meds. And thats not even my job, my job is me. I can be supportive for those wanting to get well as long as good boundaries are in place but all I can fix is me.

I have learned a lot.     

[breakingpoint]

It taught me that when someone 'shows' you who they are... .believe them.

[ravill]

Such great posts. Very inspiring.

Raf

[AwareNow]

This is perhaps one of the most poignant posts on this entire site.

We spend countless hours examining the why's and wherefores of our mates, their unexplained behavior, irrationality and vengeance only to come up empty handed time and time again.

The most revealing question to ponder is, "How and what did I do to get here?" Anyone who has been in this forum for any length of time realizes that yes, we too had a part in this dysfunctional dance. Most of us did so 'unconsciously' but the ramifications are the same, verbal/emotional abuse, undeserved anger, threats, demeaned self esteem and a profound sense of loneliness and confusion. Not a pretty picture.

However, as the saying goes, "You can't put the genie back in the bottle" and once we are involved/stuck in this type of relationship it's time for emotional/mental triage. This is  a dangerous vortex that spins faster and faster sucking you to the very bottom and beyond. It's a helpless and scary feeling to realize that the person who sleeps next to you, is unpredictable at best and that you must monitor your thoughts, feelings and opinions (In other words, be something and someone you're not) to placate the insatiable demands of someone who is not whole. It's impossible.

This is perhaps one of the most difficult journeys of our adult life as bonds and years of 'connectedness' cannot  just be undone on a whim and all too often, children are also in the mix complicating matters to the ninth degree. The only way out is 'through' and there will be pain and loss along the way. However, the alternative is unacceptable. One step at time being completely honest and open to the discoveries along the way. It will not be pretty but a new life sans this misery awaits at the other end if we have the courage to be determined to find it.  

[Scout428]

What an incredible post.  As so many of you have said, it is good now to be looking at some of the lessons.

I have certainly learned to trust myself again.  When my ex behaved badly while at the same time telling me that we are soul mates, shaking my head was not enough of a reaction. Who, in there right mind would want to go through every lifetime feeling so scared?

I learned to let up on my friends who somehow stood by me even while I was arguing with them that they were part of the problem. They didn't give up on me and I won't either.

I learned that love doesn't hurt like this and is not all about passion and intensity but kindness, validation, empathy and openness.

I learned to not only run out of the apt when someone berates me but out of their life instead when this is obviously becoming the pattern of the relationship.

I learned that being alone with myself, with the one person who truly loves me, is an experience that I had been missing.

I have learned to lick my wounds and stay true to my promise that no one will do that to me again.

There is so much more to say here but ultimately it is all about trusting my inner voice.

Glad to have embraced myself again. 

[atwitsend]

Learned---not a damn thing and I'm not being facetious.

[ItsAboutTime]

I've learned a lot that I could never imagine, but the greatest lesson I've learned should've been very fundamental and it wasn't at the time.

I've learned that if I feel I'm beginning to lose my self-respect, that's the time to end the relationship. Once that's lost, it takes a long time to get that back.

[Im done]

I've learned how to take a really bad life experience, learn the lessons from it, incorporate it into my life story and into who I am now, and to move on without being bitter.

[lashout]

Wow, some good reading there!

My take,

be true to yourself

trust your gut feelings

if you are blaming everyone else in the room; maybe its you (and not me afterall... .yay)

forgiveness is a gift.

its not lonely being alone ; it is to be with someone who has nothing of themselves to give

peace comes from within

[GreenMango]

I've learned... .

1. I brought baggage into the relationship too.

2. I am responsible for making myself happy.

3. Boundaries.

4. I value my peace and contentment over togetherness at any cost.

5. When enough is enough.

6. I have a choice.

GM

[CaptainM]

Let's see if I can articulate some of the things I feel I've learned:

First and foremost, I've learned about 'me'. I've learned about my strengths and my weaknesses. I've learned that some of what I considered my strengths were actually attributes that led me towards unhealthy relationships. I've learned that I was as much a participant and a perpetuator as I was a 'victim'.

I've learned that I don't need to seek approval of others to find self-worth, that my own ethics and morals can guide me through life via self-assurance. I've learned that I'm worthy of respect and to cut myself some slack now and then... .I've learned to smell the roses.

I have learned a wealth about PDs and I still contain genuine sadness and pity for my ex. I have learned not to hate, not to resent, but to take stock from a situation that enabled and magnified both of our weak points. We were a perfect storm of sorts and that was as much my fault as it was hers. But to dwell would be to ruminate, so I wish her all of my best wishes and know that her life will be easier without the complication of our relationship, as mine is also easier now I've chosen to look after myself.

I've learned that you are only in control of changing one person... .yourself. And often that's where the best kind of change begins.

I've also learned I talk/type too much - so that's where I'll end it.  ;p

[sea5045]

I have learned that I can look within and feel deep pain and come out the other side.

I have learned that I need to leave a bad situation quicker and not get numbed out in the fog.

I learned that people will use you and discard you so you must never give your self away to someone if not taking care of yourself.

I have learned that there is a safe place within me that I will not let anyone violate again.

There is so much to enjoy in life that does not include a romantic relationship.

I have learned that caretaking can be a form of drama.

[Pearl99]

1. To not ignore the red flags of verbal abuse, paranoia, and anger when they appear early in a relationship.

2. To trust my intuition and end the relationship at the first sign of verbal or emotional abuse and not wait until after getting engaged.

3. That getting involved with someone with deep, untreated mental illness can severely damage my life and that of my family.

4. To not live in a fantasy and pretend a clearly destructive relationship cannot wreck your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

5. That being in a romantic relationship does not mean automatic happiness and contentment.

6. That I can truly love someone and give my life to him (if he is healthy and will let me without extreme resistance).

7. To not be desperate and continue dating someone who is critical of me and does not appreciate me.

8. To not date someone who won't allow me to have my own thoughts, opinions, and desires.

9. That I need to resolve the self-esteem and codependency issues that allowed me to persist in a toxic relationship.

10. That love alone cannot keep a relationship stable and together.

[Neglecture]

There is such a wealth of terrific lessons learned that have been shared on this thread... .

Certainly I can echo sentiments about detecting    and that tolerance, an attribute I thought automatically exemplified strength has to be properly set within well established boundaries in order for one to maintain their sense of self.  I've learned to refrain from reacting and escalating the drama of a situation by reflecting with a Wise Mind before responding.  I also learned to discard fear, even if the stage has been set by the antics of pwBPD, and try and address a situation directly with courage and compassion.

A friend posted the following tenets and it helped me frame my own former relationship, but it certainly applies to every single one out there, romantic or otherwise.



Devotion with No Expectation,

Commitment with No Attachment,

Care with No Worry

This is our work my friends

(Thich Nhat Hanh, Buddhist Monk)

Devotion with No Expectation: This means you should always do what you consider to be the right thing or make a beautiful gesture regardless of the response.  The trick is to not allowing yourself to be hurt by the response or lack there of.  For example, I sent flowers to my ex's office in an effort to congratulate her on running a successful event and show her support.  Surely it would have been nice if she thanked, but instead she bitterly complained about the word I chose to write,  "'Gratz" saying she can't stand informal spellings in a formal context.  At the time I was devastated that she could be so insensitive and became defensive.  Now I would simply note the behaviour as a red flag and would realize something is terribly wrong and askew in the thought process of this partner, and do so without being hurt.  All the while I'd maintain the gesture was still the right thing to do because it was done out of love for her, and not merely as a tool to gain a favourable position where I would expect reciprocation.  Reciprocation or appreciation certainly is terrific, but it should be perceived as a bonus and not the norm or standard, otherwise you'll find yourself hurt and confused far too often.  Doing kind things without expectation is VERY powerful because you'll be inclined to do them more often without the fear of lack of validation.

And so I say beware of someone only performs acts for you as a tool for manipulation where they EXPECT something in return.  If you choose to reciprocate, then fine, but if your partner complains or is hurt, then it will burgeon into problems they may perceive as compatibility issues when it is really the foundational premise that has eroded.

Commitment with No Attachment:  This of course is the bane of a NON's existence when they are enmeshed with pwBPD.  The idealization phase and seductive nature of pwBPD is so powerful that it may take months upon months to unhook all of the barbs that still attach you to this person.  It's as if we all ran nude through a bramble patch.  It's easy and quick for the hooks to become embedded, even in hard to reach places, and it takes a MUCH longer period of time to pull them out, each providing a little sting.

How can we commit to a partner without attachment?  Certainly setting up proper boundaries is a start and allows us to walk away when we have to rather than to change our core.  We have to keep our core values intact.  Perhaps the notion of commitment is finite and has parameters, even with love, and can only be taken as far as boundaries will allow us.   One can commit only to the point where their core is threatened and beyond that must respectfully and peaceably move on and make the process as dignified as possible.

Care with No Worry: I believe this exemplifies living in the present.  Care for someone NOW without concern for what happened in the past or what might happen in the future.  Be involved in the current moment.

[Yolo]

This is indeed a great post!

I think I've similar things that other have posted:

1) To be clear on my boundaries (which I think this relationship helped me find actually)

2) To respect myself and expect that from a partner

3) To add in the opinions of my close friends, family, and children. If their opinion of someone I'm starting to see is overwhelmingly negative, and I'm starting to experience confusing situations... .the opinions of those outside should be figured into the equation--particularly when I don't necessarily trust my instinct.

4) To learn that if I am anxious / upset/ disgusted/ disappointed much of the time in a relationship that is probably 

5) No more than 1 recycle--if things don't change after that they probably never will.

6) To watch the pace, and be honest with myself... .a T once told me the first 2 months, should be enjoyable, fun and discovery in 'observation mode'.

7) If I pulling so much weight and throwing myself into a relationship, and adapted the same attitude towards my partner as they appear to show me... .and the relationship ends because of it, then there are double standards which I've learned not to accept. I've learned that accepting unreasonable double standards is a good way to lose even more respect.

8) I've learned that if a partner is constantly hurt, needs reassurance, angry and yelling and punishing, crying... this may not equate to passion or care or hurt feelings and to really listen and look at the situation as a whole... .as it could be a form of manipulation and control.

I'm sure we could all write books! In our case I hope we can take the lessons with us when we are healed and brave enough to move on with someone new 

[Madison66]

Wow, I've learned so much so far!  Here goes:

1. First and foremost, never stop living my values for a r/s!

All other are in random order:

2. I can't be part of a r/s clouded by extreme defensiveness, a lack of trust and/or a lack of commitment.

3. Pay heed to red flags and especially early red flags

4. Trust my gut feelings - if something doesn't feel right it probably isn't

5. When a grown woman with kids starts expressing jealousy about my daughter - RUN!

6. I own my words and actions and expect my partner to do the same

7. I can not love others unless I first love myself

8. Clearly define, communicate and enforce my healthy boundaries

9. A loved one should never protest or negotiate down my healthy boundaries

10. I will never, never, never, never date a woman who is in the process of a divorce!

11. I will always have a voice in my current and future relationships

12. I will work to create a strong friendship before pursuing a romantic/love r/s

13. I can not and will not have a r/s with an emotionally immature person

14. Verbal abuse is a "show stopper"!

15. I must be with someone who validates my thoughts, feelings and actions

16. True love and intimacy has to have reciprocation

17. I can not change or heal my partner

18. Validating someone's feelings or thoughts does not mean they can tell you how to feel, think and act

19. "Show stopper" if my partner doesn't agree to eliminate emotional outbursts or verbal abuse in front of the kids.  No way - can't happen!

20. I will know when to leave a r/s for the health of both me and my partner     

[Validation78]

These are some of the things that I've learned in the last 5 years:

Mental illness is all around us, some say 20% of the population suffers from some form of PD! Holy smokes!

There's no shame in reaching out to others for support and help when I need it.

Boundaries are necessary in every walk of my life, and I'm no longer afraid to impose them.

God is in control. I must trust that he always knows what's best for me.

Good things can emerge from pain, and I must thank God for the pain as much as I thank Him for the joy.

Faith is power and can lead me down the path I'm supposed to follow.

I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.

I am richly blessed with everything I need to lead a fulfilling life.

This is the tip of the iceberg!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Notthesame64]

what are you all here going to do differently next time around?

I think everyone has their own demons to battle and I don’t classify their battles any higher than my own just because they have BPD, it’s just a different type... . but I do know that I will recognize toxic signals this time around, where as the last time, I was completely ignorant about the whole thing.  Love is a strong feeling to go against.

My ex was a good person, and still is.  His issues and the treatment I received only made me stronger.  Was it hurtful and a devastating experience? absolutely!  But I have learned throughout this process that you can’t save anyone, you can’t love them past their pain and you can’t leave yourself behind to be a filler for someone’s needs or lack of.

I have stronger boundaries now and will never let someone treat me without respect, dignity, love again.   But that’s just me.

[LettingGo14]

Does anyone remember this line from the Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin) character in the Princess Bride movie:   "I have been in the revenge business for so long... . now that it's over... . I don't know what to do with the rest of my life... . "

Clip:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6-Dt1g2E18

The fact is, I have been in the xBPDgf business for so long (4 years), now that it's over... . I want to collect lessons learned (and not about her, but about myself).   Would love if others could share their experiences of "Freedom" (the final stage of detachment)  --  What questions did you ask yourself?  What answers did you get?

Two areas of inquiry for me will be:

1.  Why did I tolerate it so long?   What kept me stuck?  The FOG?  Need for validation?

2. How do I truly develop self-acceptance? 

Thoughts?

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I have learned that I will never give the silent treatment to someone. That's either a family or next Girfriend. I just won't. That silent treatment is the worst thing you can do to someone you love.  It's painful and utter ignorant.

[Exeter]

I posted my thoughts here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238074.0

[Kevrive]

Well, first of all I came here to learn new things about BPD to understand my loved one and her pain.

I read the five lessons of Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a Failed BPD Relationship because she is having troubles with her last failed relationship and I wanted to help her out with it.

I Learned that I can't fix her, that she is the one responsible to help herself grow, develope skills and confront her situations and condition.

I learned that even though I really love her and want to help her to be happy sometimes I caught myself falling into bad habbits and destructive behaviours in our relationship. Not every effort to help is actually helpful because she can misinterpret my intentions and that is pretty hard because one doesn't understan at first why she treats me the way she does when I inly wanted to help.

I learned that before start making things better I have to stop making things worst.

Also I've learned the difference between unconditional love and egocentric/co-dependent/conditional love. We are not perfect and even though we really love someone with our heart we can find ourselves loving conditionally or falling into co-dependence. I know that all my efforts may or may not cure my partner, but it's the intention that counts for me and I really learn a lot from her and her condition. We can't expect that our loved ones would change because we are trying to help them out, we just have to accept them how they are.

Wish you good energies and that your loved ones with BPD could be healed someday from that terrifying condition that affects them and everyone around.

With love:

KEV  

[outside9x]

Hi,

Good Topic.

Mine is depending on my mood.  Now in the missing mood which I thought I was done with.

But:

1.) You can't change them, only they can do that.  It's always and inside job, but if they do, you can support them .

2. ) As much as you would want and try, no matter how hard or how much love, it doesn't matter.  (See Nbr 1)  

3. ) What you miss is not really them, but your projection of times that where BPD - White(the high times)

4.) What you despise and get angry about  is the very bad times with them, again where they were BPD =Black

5.)  Think they will change if you go back without them acknowledging a problem is pure folly to go back.  (I do this thinking a lot but so far kept away)

6.) You have to love yourself more, and when you do, it becomes plain, you won't be with people who treat you so badly. (Moments of clarity!)

7.) Actions, not words, speak louder !  

8.) Admit more to yourself, that you are addicted to this type and type of personality and find out why.  (The good & the bad)

9.) Stop blaming them or talking about their actions etc.  Start doing something positive for you.  (See Nbr 6)

10.) Though it seems at times, you heart just aches for them, realize this is the chemical drug in your body from your relationship that still runs through you, with time, you will heal!

[Infared]

I have learned to be a better person.

I have learned how to protect myself.

I have learned to stop dating and have a peaceful rewarding life, with all my friends and time to spend with them!

I have learned that I can have money in the bank.

I have learned that I can have time to pursue my creativity, produce artwork and flourish as a human being!

[kc sunshine]

I learned I had a fear of anger, a fear of abandonment (in particular of being left for someone else), and a fear of being thought badly of. I also learned that I could survive all those things.

What did you guys learn?

[Herodias]

Don't fall for Prince Charming, I have a fear of abandonment, I was a little too controlling (when it came to things that didn't matter), I don't have to take any mental or physical abuse from anyone and if they start out doing it, it will get worse. Don't chase after people you like... Let them come to you, don't fall all over yourself giving to someone who hasn't proven they are worth the effort. Trust your instincts and gut feelings. Marrying for better or worse doesn't mean accepting the worst of the worse. I can be happy by my self, my needs count too. You can't change a person and you can't make them want to change. You don't have to make everyone happy or be afraid of hurting someone's feelings- they may not have any! Twice a cheater - always a cheater. Stay away from liars... .Don't date someone after they tell you they have spent several times in an institution,  people tell you who they are up front. Don't think your love will change them and encourage them to be better long term. I've learned allot!

[Turkish]

That I'm not responsible for someone else's feelings;  conversely, I'm solely  responsible for mine. 

[woundedPhoenix]

I learned:

- that i could care and feel deeply about someone else, try to give them everything they need, excuse their weaknesses and go to extreme lengths to try and rescue them

... .while ... .

- i actually ignored and denied my own needs, my own feelings, was hard on my own weaknesses, let me loose my Self and finally accepted to be bullied and be made into 'the problem'

- that i was running in circles using fantasy and denial as coping mechanisms.

- And that this was exactly the same mechanic that allowed me to stay attached to emotionally neglectfull parents when i was young.

In a way, i needed all this to happen to see the light, even though it came wrapped in a cloud of darkness.

[kc sunshine]

I also learned that low self-esteem in particular areas (for me it was around physicality and sex) could draw a person into an unhealthy attachment. With sex, I wonder how I can build self-esteem in this area-- I suppose positive self talk?

I'm a teacher and I'm thinking if I could teach a class on BPD, here's some of the books I'd include:

The Buddha and the Borderline
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on With Life
From Abandonment to Recovery

I wonder if there is a good memoir or something on people recovering from relationships with people with mental illness?

[gotbushels]

I learned to practice much more self-compassion. I learned it's okay to love my bed--and not get slapped for it. 

[Curiously1]

We all seem to be learning the same kinds of things which is great. Perhaps we all had similar reasons for why we chose to be with our pwBPD.

I personally learnt:
Not to forget myself and to remember that I deserve to be happy too
Not to feel obligated to take care of someone else and to self sacrifice as a way of feeling like the 'good' person.
That I had abandonment fears myself that I needed to work on. Bonded on a shared loneliness.
Self-love is so very important to know what you need/want in a relationship and for how you let somebody treat you.
Not to rush things, ever. I didn't want to and although I noticed some redflags in the beginning of dating, and throughout I brushed them off giving her too much of the benefit of the doubt. I didn't trust myself and just went along with things especially when I self-doubt or wanting to keep the peace or not upset or hurt someones feelings which I shouldn't have. Hurting someones feelings is sometimes inevitable and not be afraid of that too.
Not to take things personally. Often times people are more focused on themselves and how things affect them and blame you because of how they feel/what they think they are not getting for themselves. I would obsess over what I did wrong or how to stop/minimise her from reacting the ways that she did then continue to question what I did wrong.
You cannot fix/rescue a person. You can only save yourself.
You can't be the one only making an effort in the relationship. It takes two.

There is a lot more but I think this is what I can share for now.

[steelwork]

Damaged people are not "my people," as I used to think.

[chillamom]

I didn't want to matriculate for this degree!  I think I am a very slow learner, or at least very slow to internalize the lessons.  What I have learned so far isn't very flattering:

1.  I am drawn to broken people because they are a mirror for my own less than together self, and I think that by trying to "fix" them I can fix myself. 
2.  I now finally know that #1 is not possible, and that trying to fix the broken parts in another is a recipe for breaking myself further.
3.  My Ph.D. in psychology has in no way prepared me for the tsunami that is/was my exBPDbf.
4.  I am easily manipulated by guilt and appeals to my essentially empathic nature.

BUT... .

1.  I am NOT all the things he has told me I am and someday I will actually believe that.  Hopefully soon.

[VitaminC]

I learned to slow down, trust my instincts, quash my curiosity about mysteries I don't understand when they are partly motivated by desire for control or "helping" or getting the attention I craved.

I learned to slow down, to pay more attention to being real from the heart rather than sometimes weaving fanciful narratives about myself and seeing what happens just for the play of it.

I learned to slow down, to be kinder and gentler with myself, to process with all of me - not just my head.

I learned to slow down and not expect sparkle and fizz from every interaction, to find the beauty in patience.

I learned that if I'd paid more attention to how hungry I was and worked on ways to feed myself, I wouldn't have had to learn all the above. I knew them before, but I forgot because I somehow got ravenous and I didn't pay enough attention to that - or have the right cooking utensils or recipes or discipline. Ugh, I hate when my metaphors collapse on themselves like an old shack

 

[bunny4523]

I kept asking myself "why is this happening, what am I doing wrong? God, what is it you want me to learn?" 
The answer was to put myself first and know when to leave.  I learned to jump off the sinking ship instead of going down with it. 

[khibomsis]

I learnt that I am strong - so strong I could survive a broken heart. I learnt to have boundaries. I learnt that I am worthy of respect. I learnt that I am basically a good person but waaay too other-oriented. So now I am learning to put myself first.

[C.Stein]

Almost a month past the one year mark of being introduced to the trash bin and ghosted by the ex, most of which is nothing but a blur.  It has admittedly been a difficult month as this month also contains her birthday and today being the first time she tossed me aside three years ago.

I still find myself emotionally attached to her for some unknown reason, regardless of how hard I try to put this relationship and her behind me.  The emotions from the bottom of the trash bin are still with me, albeit much less intense.

So I thought this might be a good opportunity to reflect on some lessons we all have learned through our respective traumas and how we can truly learn from those lessons and take something positive away from this.

The number one lesson I have learned, or more appropriately relearned, is to listen to my gut instincts.  When something doesn't seem right, when something seems off, it probably is.  

In my relationship I had many of these instincts.  Some of them I brought up with her, most of them I suppressed and convinced myself I was being irrational and paranoid.  For every one that I "talked" to her about there were probably ten I didn't.  I have also realized she conditioned me to repress these emotions, to push my own emotions and emotional well being aside, be it intentional on her part or not.  In many ways she showed me who she truly is on many occasions right from the beginning but I continued to give her the benefit of the doubt, continued to believe in the person I thought she could be (wanted to be), continued to ignore my gut instincts.  :)oing this, allowing this to happen, has impacted me in ways I am only beginning to understand and to be honest may never completely understand.

I have given a lot of thought on this particular subject and I believe it is one of the primary reasons I am still emotionally attached/impacted by this woman.  I spent so much time and emotional energy convincing myself that my instincts were wrong, that her behavior and actions were not a true representation of who she really is, that I undermined my own internal compass and sense of reality.  I think this is why I still struggle with accepting who she really is because I was mostly successful in convincing myself otherwise.  It also probably contributes to my still feeling attached/connected to her.

There are more lessons I have learned but now it is time for you all to share some of your learned lessons.

[Skip]

I spent so much time and emotional energy convincing myself that my instincts were wrong, that her behavior and actions were not a true representation of who she really is... .

Insightful observation.

[insideoutside]

That's its not my fault; that he is ill and cannot regulate his emotions like a healthy of mind person.  That no matter how hard I try I will never be able to help or save him.  That I have to save myself first.

[steelwork]

I spent so much time and emotional energy convincing myself that my instincts were wrong, that her behavior and actions were not a true representation of who she really is, that I undermined my own internal compass and sense of reality.  

I read this and nodded along. And what struck me was this: it worked like a long con. Not that my ex was a con man, but the principle is similar: once you have committed yourself to believing something implausible but (if true) personally beneficial, you have ego invested in it being true, or you will be a dope. The longer it goes on, the more of a dope you will be if it's untrue, and therefore, the more strenuously you will cling to the belief.

[baconeggs]

By establishing my boundaries, focusing on myself, and detaching (working on codependency) before the relationship ended this time, I've felt NC to be much easier.  I also knew that by focusing on myself, she would probably break up with me, and I was okay with that.  It's her right to end the relationship if she wants.  She would always call me "selfish"  if I did something for myself but she didn't want me to do it; however, I don't think selfish is the right word. 

I had initiated a few failed breakups with her in the past and was unsuccessful - mostly because of her retaliation afterwards.  It seemed like it would be easier for me if she ended things, and it has been.  This time, NC was her idea and she has honored NC for a week know.  I know it's only a matter of time before she contacts me again, but I'm prepared. 

I think my life will be much better without her.

[FallBack!Monster]

That's its not my fault; that he is ill and cannot regulate his emotions like a healthy of mind person.  That no matter how hard I try I will never be able to help or save him.  That I have to save myself first.

I agree with the above. I have learned that people need to stop contradicting their own lessons learned. In one board it's not personal. On another board, pwBPD are so this and that. All negative. Which in turn makes people begin to take it personal all over again.
I learnet that my ex didn't love me not because it is "just" a love bombing game to him. He was and is unable to truly love in a real way. Was I played? No. He plays himself but I had to understand what that meant first. Did I play myself? Yes and I always knew I was. I didn't mean to harm myself. I mean to enjoy myself. My emotions is what made more of it than what it was. Normal behavior? Sure!
Am I going to turn in to my ex and go around telling people how many of my past loves did my innocent behind wrong? No. Do I know why he does it? No. Do I have a better understanding of the disorder? Sure! But by definition, mostly. Do I fully understand his motivations? Not! 
I also learnet that they only understand our motives and motivations in the same way; by definition only.

[troisette]

I have learned:

I'm okay.

A centred feeling. Like a gyroscope. I retain my balance when life's ups and downs come out of left field.

My good qualities were not appreciated by the PDs I became involved with.

To value my good qualities.

To appreciate that not everyone shares my values and to walk away when my gut tells me to.

To not try to change people into what I think they should be.

To not be a rescuer.

These things equate to a really good feeling of freedom, self value and self liking.

[Skyglass]

I'm still learning what it all means and why I went through what I did. It's a process. However, a few things have stuck out the most to me through my recovery:

That a relationship should compliment you and both people should lift each other up. A r/s should be the icing on the cake and NOT the actual cake.

I am the only one who can make myself happy. No one else is in charge of that except me. I use to say I always believed this before but I don't think I TRULY did believe. Now, I KNOW this.

I create my life and my reality every morning I wake up. It is up to me to choose what to do with it.

My body is my temple- I put emphasis daily on having a healthy lifestyle eating good food, do exercise that I enjoy, let my body and mind enjoy the outdoors more than ever now, etc. I will no longer let someone violate me or my boundaries.

I have given up (and am cognizant of experiences that could potentially lead to) the role of being a caregiver, savior, rescuer. This role no longer serves me.

Say yes to new adventures even if it's out of your comfort zone. You never know what doors will open for you.

[asiyah93]

I've learned to be compassionate with myself. And to be more assertive not just when communicating with others (both nons and BPDs) but with myself, being honest with myself about my needs, wants, and desires. I let my BPD ex hold the wheel and drive, and we were always crashing. I learned why I let him drive. But that wasn't enough. I was still afraid to admit certain things, including that I wanted real love and a real, healthy romantic relationship, and I was also afraid to admit that I wanted my BPD ex completely out of my life--not just romantically or sexually. I didn't want him as a friend, didn't like him as a person, and certainly didn't respect him. But the guilt that I often feel upon even thinking that I don't like someone took complete control over me and he used that against me (one of the few things he was good at). Once I learned not to avoid my own negative feelings, to not be ashamed of myself, I not only met a man who has (so far) given me a healthy relationship, but I was able to begin the process of setting firm boundaries with my BPD ex. Unfortunately, I reverted a few days ago when I snapped at him, but I quickly cut myself some slack and simply said "you were triggered. you were stressed, but you stopped yourself before you got too entangled" and was able to go into NC assertively and not with the intention of getting back at him or teaching him a lesson. Once I learned to accept myself as the introvert that I truly am and to admit that I need and even like boundaries, it became sort of easier for me to deal with him and anybody else who was complicating my life in some way.

Finally, and this is rather sad, I learned that I did all I could in that relationship with the BPD ex. I even tried to maintain the friendship he supposedly wanted even after I got married. He still continued to overstep boundaries, changing his tune and acting "in love" with me or as if he missed me. Fortunately I didn't fall for that, but it was because I realized I did all I could in this situation. It is HIS choice to overstep boundaries, and it is MY choice to put my foot down. I am walking away knowing I did everything I could, both good and bad, to have a semblance of a normal relationship, but that isn't what he wants. What he wants changes daily, even hourly, and while I have compassion for him, I can't empathize as I'm a little more stable, and I can't continue trying to make something work with someone who doesn't cooperate. I walk away knowing I tried my best, even with all of the mistakes I made.

[RomanticFool]

I've learnt when you point the finger at somebody there are three pointing back at you! In my situation I was subjected to mainly ST and a lack of commitment. Since we are both married it was a difficult situation and I did not handle it well. Since I have read more about BPD I would say that she has BPD traits rather than fully fledged. I have learnt firstly not to get involved with another person with these traits, secondly perhaps to be a little more empathic to the emotional dysfunction that goes on with a BPD and thirdly to protect myself by keeping my boundaries up until I know if a person is able to meet me on an emotional level.

[troisette]

I learned:

To value my resilience.

That I was attracted to men who denigrate me. I learned why this was a repeating compulsion.

I learned that I was attracted to ex because of the repetitive compulsion. That we were not in love with each other: that we were locked in a mutually unhealthy addiction for power and control.

I learned that the things that attracted me to ex, and other PDs, were rooted in childhood experiences, FOO attitudes that I had adopted as normal.

I learned to set boundaries: that I cannot heal others' wounds, that my primary responsibility is to myself.

I learned self worth.

I learned to quickly see red flags.

I learned that although my experience with ex was incredibly painful, it provided the means to greater self-understanding. And, despite the misery, that made it worthwhile.

[JaxDK]

If things look too good to be true, they usually are

[spacecadet]

The great extent to which we view one another through the lens of how WE are. Non's do it, BPs do it. It's the source of so much misunderstanding. I want to become more transparent with myself, and a by-product of that is the ability to see others more acutely for who they really are, not who I want them to be or think they are using myself as the reference point. That's what I've always wanted really.

[Harley Quinn]

I've learned that in my darkest hour lies the opportunity to shine my brightest

Not everyone wants to be helped, and that's OK

There's a difference between giving up and saying enough is enough

I've learned to love myself, and that I am enough

Sometimes moving forwards in life means going right back to the beginning and starting over

I may not be proud of everything in my past but I can choose to be proud of what I do with my future

I'm worth the effort I have invested in others and deserving of having my own needs met

The power of validation for myself, others and in particular my son, which is a priceless lesson to have learned

I'm absolutely pants at upholding boundaries and this is something I must work on daily

That my silver lining outlook on life is what makes me strong, not weak or crazy and that the only opinion of me that matters is my own

That everything I have experienced, endured, learned and gained in my life to date has given me the tools and ability to handle what I must now face - the journey that lies ahead

[caughtnreleased]

I've learned that I am much stronger and powerful than I ever imagined I was.
That all those clichés of reaping what you sow, and loving yourself, are actually kind of true,
That the world is filled with illusions and magicians so you need to trust your gut,
That the most effective way to bring about change is to change yourself,
That it's hard to see the big picture, but the more you pay attention the more you'll see,
That pain has a purpose,
That social media set me back more times than I can count,
That I decide how people treat me,
That I still have work to do.

[Panda39]

There's a difference between giving up and saying enough is enough

Love This!

Panda39

[Harley Quinn]

Missed (quite a big) one!

I have learned that I have PD traits, and although I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria, I did when I was younger.  That's probably worth remembering as a notable learning!

Love and light x

[Brokenmind]

I’ve learned or learning the following (sorry I’ve only just started the healing process)

1) It’s not my fault

2) what toxic behaviour is (it was disguised by my childhood as love)

3) I have codependency issues (yaay)

4) it’s not my fault

I know I repeated 1 and 4, but I only got discarded 5 weeks ago after 12 years so I hope in time I can add to the list. Now going to read everyone else’s to see what’s possible.

(Yes I’m in that after crying for ages delirium mode where I’m trying to force humour - sorry everyone!