Salt to the wound: why the BPD really wants to remain "friends" when you split

[Strong Again]

'Can't we still be friends?' You've probably heard this everytime you've been dumped by your BPD partner, but this not about being friends at all. It is in fact part of their plan to continue to torture you even after the relationship is over. They do this byway of passive aggression.

Here's what it's really all about, so please take note of this if they have managed to get you to agree to this:

Passive aggressive attack number 1: You've been friendzoned by them; this is a passive aggressive attack to tell you, you're not worthy enough to be my partner.

Number 2: They want to really rub salt in to your tender wounds by telling you that they've already met someone else and really happy, or about a one night stand, or new sex buddy. They atypically do this on facebook, or send you the occasional text.

Number 3: They delight in taking "sympathy" when they see that you haven't found anyone yet -- 'Aww poor you. Don't worry I'm sure you will find someone soon'.

Number 4: They get a narcissistic ego boost by seeing you pine for them.

Number 5: They will occasionally mail/text you and "reminisce" over the good times, so that you will be taken back to those times and your heart will pine for them even more.

Number 6: After they'e continued to silently torture you, they will tell you that they can no longer be your friend because it's disrespectful to their new partner. And so you're completely frozen out -- just as they planned.

There you have it. Proceed at your own peril.

[needPeace]

Mine wanted to remain friends so he could spy on my life and 'patrol' me - what I was doing, who I was talking to, where I was going.

If I interacted with someone on a social network, he would act as if we were still together, almost as if he was marking his territory.  Gross!   He would pick fights w/ my friends online and then later use anything he read as reason to judge me or attack me.

Stopping contact and getting him out of my life was the best thing I did... .

[Strong Again]

Needpeace that's another reason too. They like to keep that control over you even when you've split. It's OK for them to move on and do what they want, but never you. One set of rules for them, another for you.

[hereforhealing]

I've certainly had a lot of that happen to me.  So much so in fact that this morning I woke up from a nightmare.  In my nightmare, my ex and I were back to "friends/dating" and I was trying to make plans to hang out with her only to hear from her "ohh... .well I am going downtown on a date tonight... .so I don't have time to see you."

That right there is what my ex did over and over and over.  We'd break up... .and decided maybe we could see each other and other people... .or be friends and have sex... .or some derivative of those.  And she would use that to always make sure I knew about other guys she was dating... .etc.  She would do this until her ego got to the point where she didn't feel like she needed me around, but then instead of tossing me... .she would just treat me worse and worse... .break our plans... .not return calls... .etc. until I had enough.  Then if I expressed any emotions over it, she would say that I got mad all the time and she couldn't do this anymore.

Even in our last conversation she made an attempt to enter this cycle again and said, "I will probably always love you... .I just think we don't work together... .  I'd want to date you now even if you could be ok with just that... .but I know you can't."

By that she of course means... ."I'd like to still keep you around so that I can get an instant ego boost, or validation, or emotional support any time that I need it without having anything really expected of me, as I will never be there for you when you need me or respect any boundaries we agree on.  And letting you know about other guys I am with will keep you on your toes and always make you try harder.  If I beat you down emotionally enough... .you'll always be there for me.  Maybe one day I can invite you to my wedding "

I will say that I think their motivation is not to torture you.  Don't get me wrong... .I think what some of these people do is pure evil.  My ex certainly was and had no qualms about how her choices affected me.  But I believe that my personal experience agrees with a lot of what I have read which is that they do this simply to fulfill their own needs and do not really take you into consideration.  They NEED someone to always be there to support them.  We know they tend to push all of their other friends away.  They see us as someone that they can keep around, as a plan B, for support, to bail them out of trouble, to call in the middle of the night... .but they often feel the need to test us... .and make sure that we WILL continue to be there.  I think that is what some of their abuse is about... .trying to ensure themselves that we will stay.  Of course... .then sometimes they get feeling soo good about themselves that they convince themselves they don't need us anymore (like when they are in a new r/s) and push us away or discard us... .at least until they need us again.

- H4H

[just_think]

Excellent post.  I know the time and day she will be contacting me and I'll be ready... .by not responding  

I've seen her do this to other exes. It's pretty sad... .

[Crystal Ball]

My uBPDxbf has tried the 'let's be friends' deal and gets upset that I've gone NC.  It's been a while so I think I'm painted white again and it bothers him that he doesn't know what I'm up to.  NC is the only 'power' we have.  Remember... .they only want you when they can't have you.

[joop]

Not a chance ... .i changed all my numbers, email addresses the lot and i made it pretty darn clear she keeps away from me forever in my goodbye letter, if someone cant face you after 5 years and ends there r/s by text and onto the new guy the next day, who the hell would want to remain friends with a person like that... .she had her chance after her cheating and lieing 2 years ago and she knew if it happened again i was gone, she just couldnt help herself and that is why today i sit there in the same building as her and think ' no way will you be able to look me in the eye again or ever get near me again'... took a while to realise just how good that felt and in anycase she as strong NPD traits so she wont be bothered anyway... .win win win for me

[Strong Again]

Hereforhealing I hear what you're saying, they may have a form of tunnel vision which prevents them from seeing the damage their "benign" actions are causing to their victims. When you're on the receiving end of their behaviours you can't help but think that they are a very cunning predator fully aware that they are using insidious methods of attack to silently hammer that final nail into your coffin. Whether they are aware or not, this is the very affect their behaviours do have on us, that's precisely why I will never bite the bait of a BPD asking to remain friends. Absolutely NC all the way.

[Valentine09]

Yeah, let's just be friends while I date other people, treat you like I want you as my significant other and then reject you for actually wanting me too.  

Let's just be friends and cuddle on the couch while you tell me how much you love me and stroke my hair.  

Let's just be friends and hold hands in public.

Let's just be friends so I can tell you about this awesome date I had with the future father of my children, and by the way that's not you.

Let's just be friends because you're not macho enough to handle me. I overpower you. I need a real man.

Let's just be friends because you're a virgin and I need someone who can teach me things.

I love you.  Want to be boyfriend/girlfriend?  Hold on, this is going too fast, let's just be friends.

Let's just be friends because you don't know how to engage me in conversation, and you're annoying.

I've never felt this way about any of my other guy friends... .you know the ones, the ones who are "just friends".

[Strong Again]

Yeah, let's just be friends while I date other people, treat you like I want you as my significant other and then reject you for actually wanting me too.  

Let's just be friends and cuddle on the couch while you tell me how much you love me and stroke my hair.  

Let's just be friends and hold hands in public.

Let's just be friends so I can tell you about this awesome date I had with the future father of my children, and by the way that's not you.

Let's just be friends because you're not macho enough to handle me. I overpower you. I need a real man.

Let's just be friends because you're a virgin and I need someone who can teach me things.

I love you.  Want to be boyfriend/girlfriend?  Hold on, this is going too fast, let's just be friends.

Let's just be friends because you don't know how to engage me in conversation, and you're annoying.

I've never felt this way about any of my other guy friends... .you know the ones, the ones who are "just friends".

^^^Totally true.

[chiha]

My uBPDxbf has tried the 'let's be friends' deal and gets upset that I've gone NC.  It's been a while so I think I'm painted white again and it bothers him that he doesn't know what I'm up to.  NC is the only 'power' we have.  Remember... .they only want you when they can't have you.

Amen x100

[orillia]

This is all soo true. And let's consider, when they try this game, that they did not act like friends to us while we were dating them!

I mean, sorry, but a friend does not put me in dangerous positions by getting drunk and starting fights around me.

A friend, would not put a hole in my wall by smashing my keyboard against it.

A friend would not smash my phone in a fit of anger.

A friend would not, during an argument in the car, try to leave me by the side of the freeway.

A friend would not call me a "C" word or throw things at me.

Some friend!

'Can't we still be friends?' You've probably heard this everytime you've been dumped by your BPD partner, but this not about being friends at all. It is in fact part of their plan to continue to torture you even after the relationship is over. They do this byway of passive aggression.

Here's what it's really all about, so please take note of this if they have managed to get you to agree to this:

Passive aggressive attack number 1: You've been friendzoned by them; this is a passive aggressive attack to tell you, you're not worthy enough to be my partner.

Number 2: They want to really rub salt in to your tender wounds by telling you that they've already met someone else and really happy, or about a one night stand, or new sex buddy. They atypically do this on facebook, or send you the occasional text.

Number 3: They delight in taking "sympathy" when they see that you haven't found anyone yet -- 'Aww poor you. Don't worry I'm sure you will find someone soon'.

Number 4: They get a narcissistic ego boost by seeing you pine for them.

Number 5: They will occasionally mail/text you and "reminisce" over the good times, so that you will be taken back to those times and your heart will pine for them even more.

Number 6: After they'e continued to silently torture you, they will tell you that they can no longer be your friend because it's disrespectful to their new partner. And so you're completely frozen out -- just as they planned.

There you have it. Proceed at your own peril.

[hereforhealing]

This is all soo true. And let's consider, when they try this game, that they did not act like friends to us while we were dating them!

I mean, sorry, but a friend does not put me in dangerous positions by getting drunk and starting fights around me.

A friend, would not put a hole in my wall by smashing my keyboard against it.

A friend would not smash my phone in a fit of anger.

A friend would not, during an argument in the car, try to leave me by the side of the freeway.

A friend would not call me a "C" word or throw things at me.

Some friend!

Part of my problems is that I did a lot of these things you just described... .

I dropped her off on the side of the freeway once (for only 5 mins... .but) when she was having an insane argument with me, calling me names, and basically showing me no respect.

I left her on NYE even though she was drunk and vulnerable and my friend had to take her home because was being a hit_.

I called the cops on my own party one time because she wouldn't leave after being a hit_ to me and then invalidating completely how I felt.

I threw a fit, yelled and screamed at her, one time because she accidentally turned my computer off and caused me to lose hours of work.  (Although I was drunk and used to drink too much then and have largely stopped drinking to excess now, while she continues to get black out drunk).

I am the one who time and time again said or did whatever I thought I needed to do to get her out of my life, including even spitting in her face once, only to later apologize and tell her I loved her and wanted to be with her.



So now it is hard to understand where I am at.  I never lied to her... .I always was sincerely sorry for what I did and tried to make amends to whatever extend that I could... .I did seriously cut back on my drinking... .I was faithful to her... .I did validate her feelings and try to see things from her perspective... .I accepted her apologies even though they were less than sincere... .I agreed to see a therapist with her regularly... .and I am pretty sure she did not do any of these things.

Still trying to make sense out of the madness,

H4H

[WalrusGumboot]

Number 7: She knows after the divorce she can only get so much for spousal support and she wants to continue to live the life she did when she was married (not having to work unless she feels like it, shopping at Neiman Marcus, riding her horses on nice days, bumming around all day in her jammies when she is feeling lazy) and she wants to keep me handy to bail her out financially until she meets her next sugar daddy.

[joop]

This is all soo true. And let's consider, when they try this game, that they did not act like friends to us while we were dating them!

I mean, sorry, but a friend does not put me in dangerous positions by getting drunk and starting fights around me.

A friend, would not put a hole in my wall by smashing my keyboard against it.

A friend would not smash my phone in a fit of anger.

A friend would not, during an argument in the car, try to leave me by the side of the freeway.

A friend would not call me a "C" word or throw things at me.

Some friend!

Part of my problems is that I did a lot of these things you just described... .

I dropped her off on the side of the freeway once (for only 5 mins... .but) when she was having an insane argument with me, calling me names, and basically showing me no respect.

I left her on NYE even though she was drunk and vulnerable and my friend had to take her home because was being a hit_.

I called the cops on my own party one time because she wouldn't leave after being a hit_ to me and then invalidating completely how I felt.

I threw a fit, yelled and screamed at her, one time because she accidentally turned my computer off and caused me to lose hours of work.  (Although I was drunk and used to drink too much then and have largely stopped drinking to excess now, while she continues to get black out drunk).

I am the one who time and time again said or did whatever I thought I needed to do to get her out of my life, including even spitting in her face once, only to later apologize and tell her I loved her and wanted to be with her.



So now it is hard to understand where I am at.  I never lied to her... .I always was sincerely sorry for what I did and tried to make amends to whatever extend that I could... .I did seriously cut back on my drinking... .I was faithful to her... .I did validate her feelings and try to see things from her perspective... .I accepted her apologies even though they were less than sincere... .I agreed to see a therapist with her regularly... .and I am pretty sure she did not do any of these things.

Still trying to make sense out of the madness,

H4H

Listen my friend, we have all done things and said things that we regret, no one on this board can hold there hand up and say they just took it and didnt even react to the treatment they were receiving, we are all human and we all can snap when there is so much confusion and total lack of respect being directed at you time and time again...

When you have been in the madness so close all the time and for so long you will begin to mirror the other person.Why? Because believe it or not you do and did have personal boundaries but those boundaries were stretch just like a rubber band to almost breaking point, when that happens your natural instinct is to survive at all costs and by what ever means...

The difference is though we felt shame, we felt regret, we tried to make amends but a person with a pd will not forgive and will remember those times and never let them go... you had to be holyier than thou to not let that happen and none of us are that...

Do not be hard on yourself, forgive yourself because out of you and your ex you are the only one who can give forgivness to yourself because she wont for you...

Keep strong

[Ximene]

'Can't we still be friends?' You've probably heard this everytime you've been dumped by your BPD partner, but this not about being friends at all. It is in fact part of their plan to continue to torture you even after the relationship is over. They do this byway of passive aggression.

Here's what it's really all about, so please take note of this if they have managed to get you to agree to this:

Passive aggressive attack number 1: You've been friendzoned by them; this is a passive aggressive attack to tell you, you're not worthy enough to be my partner.

Number 2: They want to really rub salt in to your tender wounds by telling you that they've already met someone else and really happy, or about a one night stand, or new sex buddy. They atypically do this on facebook, or send you the occasional text.

Number 3: They delight in taking "sympathy" when they see that you haven't found anyone yet -- 'Aww poor you. Don't worry I'm sure you will find someone soon'.

Number 4: They get a narcissistic ego boost by seeing you pine for them.

Number 5: They will occasionally mail/text you and "reminisce" over the good times, so that you will be taken back to those times and your heart will pine for them even more.

Number 6: After they'e continued to silently torture you, they will tell you that they can no longer be your friend because it's disrespectful to their new partner. And so you're completely frozen out -- just as they planned.

There you have it. Proceed at your own peril.

Very very true! and very good post

Thanks

[louiseann17]

What everybody says on here is so true... .I have made mistakes myself with my exuBPDbf... as i have only just come to the realisation he has this terrible disorder... .I did though always know there was something very very wrong... .There have been times where i have reacted to his abuse... .got angry with him because he pushed and pushed me so much... .got beyond annoyed at all his lies and more or less saying 'black is white'

I so wish i had found out about this disorder a long time ago... .i really do... .Thankyou everyone for your insight... .

[sea5045]

strong again this may be a re-post bc I don't see it after I wrote it but that is an awesome visual... .salt in the wound... .NO I WANT TO SEE YOU when she came into get her cats, but then changed plans and fit me in late in the afternoon, before flying away again with her cats as well.  Luckily, even though I did not have the BPD framework in my head, I told her to just enjoy her high school friends that she came to see and if she ever considers me or tries to be concerned about me, let me know. Then I made myself scarce for the weekend, and sure enough she showed up at my apartment. Thank God I wasn't there, so all this condescending I want to see you crap is just to feed her ego, and of course I was pining away, we never had a discussion about breaking up and each time she came through I would at first be excited and then ended up demeaned or discarded. At least the last time I stayed away.  When she asked me what I did when she came to get the cats on Sunday, I told her I was at Sam's Club. Doing errands... .   

really even the reconnecting is only to enhance their shaky self image? That's pathetic and sad... .

What took me so long, I don't want to be someone's narcissistic charge... .I'm pathetic as well

[Strong Again]

Sea, when you've been cruelly friendzoned by the BPD, they like to keep you in the background to A) torture you because of the reasons stated in the original post and B) to keep you as an option to fall back on if things don't work out (give you false hope), or as a shoulder to cry on. I should have also added in the original post that when they finally freeze you out of their life completely, they do what your ex did and frantically try to re-engage you. This is to prove that they can still have you anytime they want you (narcissistic fuel), and to draw you back in to torture you more.

You did the right thing by not being there for your ex (as hard as it was), but NC really is the best weapon.

[sea5045]

Thanks --I learn alot from you. My ex was very smart so I feel like her maneuvers are very sophisticated and insidious, maybe not intentionally but in the emotional harm it caused me.  I can feel the cruelty oozing out slowly.

Anyway, she has plans to fly back and forth for baseball season, and I wonder if I should not make weekend plans during that time?

The keeping in the background thing was exactly what she did for 3 months, "I want to come for Christmas but I have to see my mom, maybe we can see each other Friday morning?"   That 6 months she was moving and relocating and in contact felt like pure emotional abuse (torture).

But like I said I have had no contact for 3 weeks and this message board is helping me regain perspective. Thanks sea

[hereforhealing]

Listen my friend, we have all done things and said things that we regret, no one on this board can hold there hand up and say they just took it and didnt even react to the treatment they were receiving, we are all human and we all can snap when there is so much confusion and total lack of respect being directed at you time and time again...

When you have been in the madness so close all the time and for so long you will begin to mirror the other person.Why? Because believe it or not you do and did have personal boundaries but those boundaries were stretch just like a rubber band to almost breaking point, when that happens your natural instinct is to survive at all costs and by what ever means...

The difference is though we felt shame, we felt regret, we tried to make amends but a person with a pd will not forgive and will remember those times and never let them go... you had to be holyier than thou to not let that happen and none of us are that...

Do not be hard on yourself, forgive yourself because out of you and your ex you are the only one who can give forgivness to yourself because she wont for you...

Keep strong

Thanks!  That's really helpful.  Yeah, her last words to me were that she would never forgive me for breaking up with her (which I did b/c she was lying, manipulating, etc.), was sorry for me "being hurt" (not for cheating on me, etc), and that she would "always love me."  It's like a sick joke... .but I am slowly learning to see the humor in it.

- H4H

[troyvert]

My pwBPD left me. But afterwards in one of our conversations where she asked if we could be friends, I answered her that I don't know.

She said, "I would hope so, unless you are a sociopath or something... ."

[OTH]

After giving up recycling... .We lasted one day "as friends". She told me I was an arrogant hit_ that treated people like sht. I went N/C and started studying BPD

[ve01603]

Needpeace that's another reason too. They like to keep that control over you even when you've split. It's OK for them to move on and do what they want, but never you. One set of rules for them, another for you.

Always.

[ve01603]

The thing is you have to be mature to make a relationship work and they are not.

[Upbeat Girl]

I agree with what everyone has posted. Even though 'perfect love keeps no record of wrongs', it's important to remember that this is not perfect love and if you don't keep a record of wrongs, you will get sucked back into their cruel game and be torn to shreds emotionally.They will trick, twist and contort any situation to their own advantage (whether they mean to or not) and take advantage of a person who is prepared to forgive and forget seventy times seven.

[Strong Again]

Thanks --I learn alot from you. My ex was very smart so I feel like her maneuvers are very sophisticated and insidious, maybe not intentionally but in the emotional harm it caused me.  I can feel the cruelty oozing out slowly.

Anyway, she has plans to fly back and forth for baseball season, and I wonder if I should not make weekend plans during that time?

The keeping in the background thing was exactly what she did for 3 months, "I want to come for Christmas but I have to see my mom, maybe we can see each other Friday morning?"   That 6 months she was moving and relocating and in contact felt like pure emotional abuse (torture).

But like I said I have had no contact for 3 weeks and this message board is helping me regain perspective. Thanks sea

Good on you Sea, stay strong. This message board has helped me out a great deal also; some of the stories here are almost identical to mine, so it's always good to connect with people going through the same thing.

[sea5045]

Great to repost this I can see how hurt I was 3 weeks ago and where I am after 6 weeks, having spent time with her friends and figuring out if they can be mine, I probably need to just meet new people now for awhile.  Feeling a little  gah like the other guy.   I think it was because her friend told me she asks about me if they talk, and she says I'm doing well or she hasn't heard from me.  She probably thinks I 'm lynig in bed with a liter of wine in me passed out, not that I haven't done it before when I was getting hollered at, but I am not doing it now. 

Anyway, feeling a little emotional today and glad to  have a place to vent.

[OTH]

 

they will tell you that they can no longer be your friend because it's disrespectful to their new partner

oh wow. I just remembered I witnessed this conversation to her previous lover! She told me that he had been contacting her still and asked me if I wanted her to tell him not to anymore. I looked at her like she was crazy and said of course... .She did the deed right then... .another red flag ignored.  Glad I got wise and went NC before I had to hear it!

[GlennT]

  I have been receiving regular friend requests for going on THREE years from various websites from her without any type of contact from me. Absolutely Nothing has been said about our 1.7 year relationship. I realize this will continue ad nauseum if I don't block her  . Shes been getting some narcissistic satisfaction, and so have I by not responding to her friend requests. Now I realize that even though I was strict NC for all that time, I still have her .