2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi Leaving Board,

Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder on the website has helped me heal, stay NC and accept BPD more than any other thing that I read (trust me, there has been a lot).  

Commonly, folks here want to know when they are going to feel better.  I have shared routinely that article 9 (10 myths that keep us stuck) - truly analyzing and understanding our role in these - can help the healing process immensely.

This week it is myth 2 - please share your experiences as it relates.  It will help you and it will help others.

Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel  [Read original text here]

For me, this was a really big pill to swallow.  I recall our MC talking about 2 people viewing a car accident from opposite sides of the street.  Although they see the same accident, their replay of the event may be completely different.

"Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship."

I recall my ex being confused that I could be mad about an action, but my love did not change.  She couldn't fathom this - if you are mad, you must hate me.  The emotional pendulum would swing from one extreme to the other.  Once I realized this was happening under the surface (what I saw was a small % of the time, but these feelings happened a lot) - it was sad, but freeing in a way.

I believed that love was universal - the Corintheans version, buddhist version - all of the great teachings or definitions had a common theme.  What I did not understand was love for a pwBPD is quite different than a non.  Radical Acceptance of this fact has helped me depersonalize the experience.

How does this myth relate to your BPD relationship?



More information

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

4) Belief that love can prevail

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

6) Clinging to the words that were said

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

[seeking balance]

Hi Leaving Board,

Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder on the website has helped me heal, stay NC and accept BPD more than any other thing that I read (trust me, there has been a lot).  

Commonly, folks here want to know when they are going to feel better.  I have shared routinely that article 9 (10 myths that keep us stuck) - truly analyzing and understanding our role in these - can help the healing process immensely.

This week it is myth 2 - please share your experiences as it relates.  It will help you and it will help others.

Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel  [Read original text here]

For me, this was a really big pill to swallow.  I recall our MC talking about 2 people viewing a car accident from opposite sides of the street.  Although they see the same accident, their replay of the event may be completely different.

"Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship."

I recall my ex being confused that I could be mad about an action, but my love did not change.  She couldn't fathom this - if you are mad, you must hate me.  The emotional pendulum would swing from one extreme to the other.  Once I realized this was happening under the surface (what I saw was a small % of the time, but these feelings happened a lot) - it was sad, but freeing in a way.

I believed that love was universal - the Corintheans version, buddhist version - all of the great teachings or definitions had a common theme.  What I did not understand was love for a pwBPD is quite different than a non.  Radical Acceptance of this fact has helped me depersonalize the experience.

How does this myth relate to your BPD relationship?



More information

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

4) Belief that love can prevail

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

6) Clinging to the words that were said

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

[TheSomberlain]

During the break-up my ex uBPDgf told me "You don't know this but I resented you for a year." That hit me like a brick. I had no idea what the hell she was talking about because she was still being "cute" with me almost all the time and going about the relationship as usual.


And then I got replaced.

[joop]

During the break-up my ex uBPDgf told me "You don't know this but I resented you for a year." That hit me like a brick. I had no idea what the hell she was talking about because she was still being "cute" with me almost all the time and going about the relationship as usual.


And then I got replaced.

I just wonder how true that is for alot of us my friend. That is clarity at its finest at the end.

[sea5045]

Yes this myth helped me depersonalize the info i got last week that my two neighbors knew she viewed the relationship as "We'll  be fine, we've been living more like friends and each have our own room".  Whereas I was sad, sentimental, emotional she was moving for a job but happy she had gotten one.  Anyway, she controlled the communication over that period from April to August, I stillpaid for her and bought her gifts, hoping getting a job would shift the tension.  

ThenI found this website and realized I had served  my purpose.  I too realize now when I would calmly say "I am angry with you" and we would never discuss this, that she probably internalized this as I hate you, or I am going to abandon you?

[myself]

Myth 2 - Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel


Mirroring or not, how she sees it, if there's BPD involved, the astrological forecast or whatever--- I fell in love with her. No doubt about it. She said she fell in love with me, as well. Were we on the same level? No. Obviously not. We're not together anymore. Why? That's one of the biggest questions I've had to face during this push/pull, grieving, letting go process. How come love isn't enough to keep us together? The closer we got, the more agitated things became. How come if she said she loved me more than anyone she'd ever known, she could also yell and throw abuse at me, break my stuff, turn her friends against me, give the silent treatment for days on end, move out and break us up, say she hates me... .I kept thinking, "If she really loves me, we'll make it." Because I loved her. So I tried being even nicer, going out of my way for her whenever possible, being more romantic, more attentive. All the while trying to not push any buttons, even to the point of holding my tongue when I knew I shouldn't have to. I'd think, "This isn't really love, on her part, is it? Where's the real reciprocation?" Feeling so much for her got me to stay a lot longer, hang on when I felt that things were way off balance. I didn't know what could be done about it.

What got me to a place where my mind cleared more and I felt that forward progress was really happening? I read the letters she was sending which were completely negative, nothing loving, nothing friendly anymore, no hope, all the blame on me. As if they had been written by someone I didn't even know. I knew then for sure that she didn't see things the way I did, didn't feel things the same at all. Before that, I took in what she said, listened, went off seeking answers as to how I could have been so 'mean', what are my own issues I need to work on. I believed some of what she was saying, and I also saw the truth. So I looked, found, apologized, and changed. She's still stuck in anger, though, and that's when I saw that she's really different than me and things would never work out. She hasn't even been trying. Which showed me she doesn't feel me the same as I feel her. It was a really serious moment to realize this, to find that I was already in motion away from her, even though my heart was still feeling so attached. What do you mean, there's no relationship now? We said that we're going to live our lives together, that we're in love. It's not real to her?

Part of what's been strange about this whole experience is the sharing of the dream. Usually, we dream alone. This was one I shared with someone else, and when it came down to it, she didn't do enough to help it be a good one. Towards the end, she even went about rewriting it, turning it all to something bad. She's the one who ended it, who woke us up so to speak. At first, I was very sad about that. Very hurt. I just couldn't understand it, and in some ways never will. It's taken a while to get where I can see that waking up was something that I needed to do. My eyes are open now. I know that I'm not dreaming. I still love her, and if things could work out for us, we probably would still be together. But I'm not going to walk around in my sleep anymore while the other person involved turns it into a nightmare. I tried to keep the good dream going, and help it become a good reality. That's how I know we're different.

[troyvert]

Very good observations by everyone, and this "myth" has been the most troubling for me also, during my detachment.

I was so confused about how she would think me being temporarily upset/angry about something was me hating her entirely. Even a look from me that she didn't like would trigger her. I knew it felt "off" but I didn't want to leave her. I loved her, right? For the longest I felt it was all my fault as well, and yeah I tried to change some things about myself. Now I know nothing I changed would have helped. She was fully aware of her "flipping out" as I called it once and she at one point even tried to rationalize that it wouldn't happen again, or if it did happen again, she would behave differently. When I asked her why she did that she just said, "I don't know". I just think at this point she doesn't want to deal with the pain of facing her illness, let alone treatment. So she will continue to see and feel everything different no matter who comes next. The cycle continues... .

Myself pretty much summed up a great deal of what I went through and felt at the time. I just knew things were not on an equal playing field concerning love. Her actions and words just didn't show that reciprocation at all times. 

In the end she actually told me she was looking for a different "type" of love. More spiritual. Like my love wasn't good enough or something. Just more made us bs in her head to warrant her moving on with a clear conscience. I literally witnessed a complete transformation of this woman I fell in love with. As I see it with clear eyes now, it seems so tragic and sad, but also scary at the same time.

More love = pain. Who would have thought?

[Jaybird]

Hi Leaving Board,

Myth 2 - Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

For me, this was a really big pill to swallow.  I recall our MC talking about 2 people viewing a car accident from opposite sides of the street.  Although they see the same accident, their replay of the event may be completely different.

"Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it's a culmination of feelings that often arise later in the relationship."

This is an on-going struggle for me.  I think our T's went to the same school  . She used the same example with us.  It didn't placate my H at all.  To him, truth is truth, facts are facts, there are no different ways at looking at the same event and perceiving it differently.  This was one of our biggest stumbling blocks in MC. 

There was significant shame, resentment, fear just below the surface for over 20 years that I was unaware of.  Even now, it is hard to look back at all those years (31 now) and realize he perceived things differently.  It is hard to accept he has moved on while I am still hurting so deeply. Love for him meant something different then it does to me.  I have to keep reminding myself that in order to make sense of what's happening.  Radical acceptance is the only way to go on this, I think.  Otherwise I will always be frustrated with trying to force his actions into the same construct I live in. You just can not force a square peg into a round hole!

[ItsAboutTime]

TheSomberlain said:

"You don't know this but I resented you for a year." That hit me like a brick.

I heard this from him too, and when I did I was stunned speechless. HE resented ME?  Oh Lord. I'd never have believe that all the time I was trying to do things right, to say the right things, to go along, to take his sarcasm and abuse, and HE resented ME?  It made me sick to my stomach hearing that from him.

[ItsAboutTime]

I have finished reading this article beginning to end. I copied it, saved it. I know it's all relative to me but still, it's breaking my heart to come to terms with it all.  So sad.

[Overcomingbpd]

This one kicks my butt. I know it is true. Very evident in all of bph's talks and actions but I just have a hard time with it. My T said we view love and life through different glasses. Yep his are blacked out. I just do not understand how they are so mean sometimes. They feel extreme emotion yet cause extreme pain, I get it but I don't. They are so afraid of being abandoned they leave us, they think we hate them if we disagree at all. I know they do not feel like we do but it is so hard to deal with.BPH has been packing today, he acts like he is going fishing no big deal. I am past being ready for him to go but it is hard for me to watch. I think of what could have been, he asks me to donate some clothes to charity. Guess thats what he would like to do with me, donate me and forget me. Probably what he will do... .with any luck he will forget me. I hope he does because I wont recycle but I dont know how they are so cold. And yes, mine says now he has resented me for a long time. Must be in the BPD handbook on how to hurt your so

[OTH]

Mine told me she loved me but love isn't enough.

I knew mine didn't think the same as me because when argued I could never get any detail as to why she was upset. I would try to figure out what I did to upset her. She would get madder and madder the more questions I asked because everything she said would be so vague... .Such as I talked down to her or I didn't treat her the same anymore, or I didn't look at her the same anymore. I was madly in love with her still so it was all fantasy in her head. I told her that once and that really put her in a rage. If I kept asking questions she would start accusing me of not allowing her to express her emotions! To recap... .she is upset... .I try to find out what's wrong. She can't tell me. I keep questioning. She tells me she is mad at me because I keep questioning her and all she is trying to do is express her emotions! Ugggghhhhh!

I loved your post myself. So relevant. So similar except our feelings at the end. I let mine go in the end. I let go of my love for her too. Don't know how that is going to work out for me yet... .I've ignored mine's request for talking... .Mind you it is not a request to talk about the r/s... .Her request comes with a condition. We have to make small talk and pretend nothing bad ever happened between us. Then we can talk... .Until she feels like raging at me... .Than I have to except her not talking to me for a few days  until she feels like engaging again with no mention of what just happened.

I let go but I haven't worked through all my emotions yet. I never want to see her again. She treated me horribly and I deserve better than that.       

[RKG]

Man, what a great set of posts! Thanks for the bump!

I too have been dealing with the "how" can she have said this, or that, but now here we are. We have been apart since Jan., although in the early part of Feb 2011, she came to see me at work TWICE in one week... .An hour drive one way! On the second visit, she "gave me the eyes" that I loved... .And said, "Can you take the rest of the day off"? I foolishly said, NO, but I'll take TOMORROW off! We spent the night together... .I thought we were FIXED! Man, was I in for a new ride at the county fair!  I thought she wanted to "really" work this out, as this was the first time we actually really separated in the two year r/s. We went to see a T... .Well, you know the rest... .She is out chasing her next "Soul-mate" as she called me!   I love her... .Well, now that I am working through this, I know I "loved the person she wanted me to love". There is a big part of me that truly loves her, but a bigger part that now knows it is best for my son and I to be in a new place alone. It took along time for me to move out, a very long time. I thought I could "fix" US. Guys, if there was ever a guy that was "in L.O.V.E.", it was me. Over time, I actually grew accustomed to her anger. Very sad, but I think all of us NONs go through this phase. I am in a much better place today than I was in late Jan 2011! WOW... .I am doing some healing, ONE DAY at A TIME. Today, I actually have felt more peace, than I have since Jan. I have this over-all feeling today, since I saw her driving her brothers car while trying to "stalk" me... .Today, something has finally clicked! I'm going to be OK... . 

[hippiegrl]

That is one of the myths I have been struggling with the most, Even though in most interactions we have now he is like a stranger. I held on for so long because I could not accept or even begin to understand how he erased me.  My denial kept saying that "deep down he really cares, and this matters to him".

I am trying to remember that myth to stay strong on NC. Still inside I struggle. My exBPDbf is a musician and writes songs. He used to say the most amazing things to me and I thought it was from his kindred heart. When I look back now... .He was probably verbally writing lyrics to his next song! LOL  It hurts so much but if I try and look at it and laugh, it helps a little.

[once removed]

i guess this relates to my struggle after the ambiguous break up followed by painting me black and hopping in a new relationship.

trying to understand and fathom what was going on in her mind. did she not miss me? did she not even think about me? all the same stuff. i think what saved me was both this site, and discovering that she was invading my email. otherwise i think what im going through and experiencing would be scores worse.

i have this problem in general. im always surprised to know (even though i realize it consciously) that people perceive things differently than me, or do not perceive them the same way i do.

however i had a lot of insight into my thoughts and hers, she was fairly honest and forth coming, and there was never a lack of communication. i knew when she resented me. she either made it clear, or flat out told me. there are certainly things in retrospect i had not the foggiest idea were going on, like triggers of abandonment fears, etc. the profound lack of logic or reason or rationality, spinning, gaslighting, etc, i recognized in her, and from past relationships, and wrongly attributed to her bipolar, but was still able to dismiss as just that, and not become confused.

[whitedoe]

That is one of the myths I have been struggling with the most, Even though in most interactions we have now he is like a stranger. I held on for so long because I could not accept or even begin to understand how he erased me.  My denial kept saying that "deep down he really cares, and this matters to him".

I am trying to remember that myth to stay strong on NC. Still inside I struggle. My exBPDbf is a musician and writes songs. He used to say the most amazing things to me and I thought it was from his kindred heart. When I look back now... .He was probably verbally writing lyrics to his next song! LOL  It hurts so much but if I try and look at it and laugh, it helps a little.

My struggle as well. It is soo painful and difficult to realize that he doesn't care and the r/s no longer matters to him at all... .Aghh... .

[BrokenBeat&Scarred]

Great thread! I needed this one...

Mine too said "I love you more than anything, but sometimes love isn't enough".

I think I'm in WhiteDoe and hippiegrl's shoes with this denial crap.

[cyndiloowho]

This is the part that hit me the hardest! I had been hanging on to the good times for soo long... .waiting and hoping to return to normal. When I read about this, I cried so deeply. And I knew, I just knew, I had to accept that the man I had fallen so deeply in love with was a facade. He was "trying" to act normal, be normal. But it all came down to pulling back the curtain and seeing the Wizard of Oz as just smoke and mirrors!

But at the same time, I think this is where I was able to let go, to grieve for myself. I think accepting this basic understanding that he will never be capable of being in love with me, the way I had believed and wished it to be, was what finally gave me some closure.

[ithurts]

Great thread! I needed this one...

Mine too said "I love you more than anything, but sometimes love isn't enough".

I think I'm in WhiteDoe and hippiegrl's shoes with this denial crap.

that was my girl's line too.  if she ever tries to contact me again, if she ever says she loves me again ... i will say i'm sorry, but sometimes that's just not enough.

[cyndiloowho]

The thing is... .believing he loved ME, I made myself the most vulnerable to him. I gave him all of ME. And in the end, he was mirroring the good parts and hating me for my flaws. None of it ever had anything to do with ME.

[sea5045]

Mine told me she loved me but love isn't enough.

I knew mine didn't think the same as me because when argued I could never get any detail as to why she was upset. I would try to figure out what I did to upset her. She would get madder and madder the more questions I asked because everything she said would be so vague... .Such as I talked down to her or I didn't treat her the same anymore, or I didn't look at her the same anymore. I was madly in love with her still so it was all fantasy in her head. I told her that once and that really put her in a rage. If I kept asking questions she would start accusing me of not allowing her to express her emotions! To recap... .she is upset... .I try to find out what's wrong. She can't tell me. I keep questioning. She tells me she is mad at me because I keep questioning her and all she is trying to do is express her emotions! Ugggghhhhh!

I loved your post myself. So relevant. So similar except our feelings at the end. I let mine go in the end. I let go of my love for her too. Don't know how that is going to work out for me yet... .I've ignored mine's request for talking... .Mind you it is not a request to talk about the r/s... .Her request comes with a condition. We have to make small talk and pretend nothing bad ever happened between us. Then we can talk... .Until she feels like raging at me... .Than I have to except her not talking to me for a few days  until she feels like engaging again with no mention of what just happened.

I let go but I haven't worked through all my emotions yet. I never want to see her again. She treated me horribly and I deserve better than that.       

Yes the last email she sent me when she wanted to know what I wanted from her, was "Simple pleasantries, I can't go backwards", keep it light simple,  the condition being not to discuss the relationship. As if talking is somehow a signal that someone wants more than a friend, there is the controlling of information again, the way she would yell at me that I was interrupting her, quit trying to touch her when she was raging at me, all that stuff... .I am also back to no contact, it is too hard to see how she misperceives my intentions, my words, so sad... .

[Al]

Of course I can relate to this myth.  I did not know until recently that he had BPD.First came... .you don’t love me when you talk to me that way, so I changed the way I talked to him.  Then came the you don’t love me when you act that way, so I changed that too.  During any sort of conflict I had to coddle him like a small overly sensitive child.  There were so many “rules” on how to approach him and talk to him. 

Then came the body language, tone of voice and facial expressions.  I would try my best to be mindful about all this too and finally threw my hands up in the air and said I am not some emotionless robot.  I am a person with feelings and you will just need to suck this one up.  Then I was punished with silence and cutting comments half said just loud enough to hear.

He had his perception and wanted me to change everything about myself so he could feel like I loved him.  Finally I didn’t care I was worn out trying to avoid all the buried land mines within his mind.  Just when I thought I did something right I would hear how everything I did was all wrong.  No matter what I said to him he could never understand that you can be angry or disapprove yet still love someone.

I now know that there is nothing … absolutely no-thing I can do that will ever convince him of all the things he accused me of that isn’t true.  To him it’s the truth and forever will be the truth no matter what.

As painful as it has been to let go of my marriage learning about BPD has made this process a lot easier.  When I get to thinking (the way I think) I can come here do some reading and be assured he lived within a world he created in his mind and never can I use sane rational thinking and acting to figure out insane irrational thinking. 

He is lost to his disease and desires no way out.  Acceptance of that has been hard.  The good news is that I can focus on what is true, pour my guts out here and in time I will heal from all this. 

Thanks for this post as it is a good reminder for me that he doesn’t live in the same reality as I do.  That knowledge brings me peace and inspires me to keep out of the cycle.

[pspap]

Finally I didn’t care I was worn out trying to avoid all the buried land mines within his mind.

Ok. some metaphors being used are here are priceless... . 

[gettingoverit]

I remember whenever someone would ask me how things with my ex were going I would often say, "Well from my perspective things are going well, but one thing that I have learned is that from XXXX's perspective it could be totally different" I used to laugh about it as if it were some joke, but now that I type it, it certainly was not. I never knew where I stood in the relationship. Whenever I thought we were good, it turned out she was unhappy and thought things were bad between us. It was odd how far off we were from each other. I know relationships have ups and downs, but on the whole I thought we were ok, but it was never the same for her.

My ex also could not understand that when I was angry with her that it did not mean that I did not love her anymore. I tried to explain that it was possible to be angry at someone and still see the good in that person and love them still. She could not.   She pretty much told me that when she was upset with me, she did not love me. Wow, I guess you can forget unconditional love in that equation. As time went on, it seemed she was upset with me almost all the time. Sometimes I had no idea why she would stop talking to me and get silent all of a sudden. When I would ask what was wrong, she would always say "nothing" or "I'm just tired". I don't know about you guys, but if you are sweet and kind to everyone around you, but wont talk to me, then you must be upset about something I have done right?

Here's my take on what I think happened between us. I think she really did try to love me as much as she was able. However over time she just allowed her feelings to take over and never really had the mental clarity to see the truth for what it was: I loved her unconditionally, and nothing she could do would change that. I think she believed her internal dialogue and became more and more resentful of me and what I was or was not doing (who really knows at this point). It was always easy for her to walk away because she was angry with me and as she made clear as day, when she is mad she does not love. So in a weird ___ed up sort of way, I guess it makes sense in her world to leave me. Very very sad indeed. :'(

[cyndiloowho]

In an article about BPD, I read that the idealization phase with a BPD may look a lot like a regular 'honeymoon' phase of a r/s. But what is different with BPD r/s is what occurs during the transition from honeymoon phase, to long term r/s. This is where my r/s with my H always broke down. He could never settle into regular ups and downs of two people sharing a life. It was always totally intense, or totally nothing... .

[findingmyselfagain]

This has been EXTRAORDINARILY difficult for me. All the cards and letters. All the times she told me "She loved doing stuff with me... .and DOING STUFF (wink wink) with me".  "We talk about everything." "I'll never let you go." Fortunately time is making those memories sting less, but I really believed we felt the same level of love for each other. It wasn't until our wedding was postponed when I told her about the things she said and all she could say was "That's true." I'm not good at questioning. I should have asked what's true about it? That you meant it? Or that you said it? When I told her about how my eyes lit up when I talked about her to my friends. All she could say was "Awww." Needless to say it was fairly frustrating and shocking to me. It only makes sense that she's a borderline. My T was married to one for 10 years. It's much better for me to find out I wasn't loved now than 10 years from now... .or after we married. I find I still have compassion for her, but from a large distance. It's sad but there's nothing I can do about it... .or her, really. It's just how the Universe is. We deserve so much better and we'll find it.

[jhan6120]

Yeah, this one is hard for me. Pardon if this is 'too much information,' but I realized afterward that all the awesome sex, all the 'For the first time, I feel close to someone' etc, was about something totally different for her.

That really hurt - to know that she probably wasn't feeling intimacy at all. She was medicating and/or controlling.

Ouch.

[Beach_Babe]

I agree with everyone this was, by far, the hardest thing... .im still struggling to accept it, actually... .but thanks to everyone on this board I do think im improving a little each day. That said, I still feel angry and resentful. Yes I get my BP is mentally ill (and a low functioning one at that), but the problem im having here is forgiving MYSELF. I am an educated, intelligent person and really, I should have known better. I cant forgive myself... .how stupid I was to think if I only gave enough, tried hard enough, id be deemed "good enough" in her eyes to stay. hahahaha... .uh no. ... .she sucked me dry then left. Im ashamed at MYSELF for buying into her manipulation and lies. Deep down, I knew she never felt the same... .it was always a nagging feeling... .but you know you dont want to believe it.

Next time, I should listen to my gut... .

[discardedbf]

Awesome Post

For me personally it has two effects... One is sadness as i hear all the stories repeat themselves... yes i heard "love isnt enough" as well... .it makes me really sad to see all these nice, caring and loving people so gutted by the workings of the BPD. Yes i have and am still somewhat gutted by it all. I too heard i love you more than anyone or anything, my life is always with you, i couldnt live with out you... etc... then bang yes a goodbye email and painted blacker then black...

Secondly it makes me quite angry almost sick that these people promise the world, promise unconditional love then bang rip your heart out and put it on fire... It highlights to me just how crazy and damaging these people are. A normal person who says i love you and you are everything to me, means it... they cannot just end everything in an email and walk away like you are nothing... .We cannot do that... i love you means something... .it means something to say it and to hear it... you dont walk around saying i love you to random people know... only those that touch you heart and you have a deep connection with... to hear it back should mean something as well. With BPD people it means nothing! thats what p1sses me off! it is just f**king with peoples hearts, emotions and feelings and is a low act... no one deserves that. no one.!

Timebomb - exactly the same here brother, i let so much slide but after seeing a four month convo with an ex where she was potraying herself as single and flirting with him (maybe cheated i dont know) i had to confront her... Got the email saying goodbye then boom i was the devil personified! Stuff thrown on lawn, ignored, threatened with legal action, fake stories that she is ill, fake stories that she had a stalker everything possible to be nasty to me she did... .all because yeah i called her out on her bulls**t.

You know what though? f**k them... .i dont want a relationship with a compulsive liar who constantly needs attention from other guys and will do anything and everything to make sure her needs are met. Yep i miss the good side of her when she could be the sweetest girl in the world but what does that mean? if when you turn your back you cannot trust them... .without trust a relationship cannot work... you cannot trust a BPD... .even if they came back and returned to the idealisation phase there is no way i would ever trust her again!

so yeah i accept that they do not feel the same as us... .i mean how could they? look at their actions... they lie, abuse, cheat then leave... .thats not love in anyones book. we fight for them put everything on the line for love only to have it ripped off.

[BrokenBeat&Scarred]

I've been thinking that for a long time, but could never form the words to articulate it well enough to hit the post button.

The only thing to counter that is, at least with my ex, I know she feels remorseful for at least what she did to me... .

She also said "I've made up my mind, and for some reason I can't change it back... " That just proves you're dealing with something much deeper.  

The love for a period was real, may not be the same idea as you, me or the rest of us... but something is real (infatuation, obsession, a crack head needing a hit off a rock? who knows).

I don't mean that as a justification, because either way, the end result: we end up being destroyed trusting their words are healthy.

[C12P21]

That really hurt - to know that she probably wasn't feeling intimacy at all. She was medicating and/or controlling.

Ouch.