Want contact - for him to admit he was wrong

[AwakenedOne]

Popcorn71,

I understand very much how you feel. My wife threw me in the garbage 8 months ago. 8 months now NC with the uBPDstbxW.

It's not easy of course. Your free now though and a real life awaits you. That's how I look at it. Try to not let your hatred or anger of him overflow in you just because he's happy in (his world). My ex is happy too. I just have a who cares / disgusted vibe every time I unfortunately think of her. I wanted my ex to at least say she's sorry or good luck to prove she's not evil. In 8 months that call hasn't come. After I thought about things though her past apologies were B.S., she'd do the same cr*p she apologized for an hour later or a week later or whatever. Each apology I got from her seemed lamer and less heartfelt. I plan to never speak to her again.

You asked for advice. Don't send the picture, go NC or LC if you must. He isn't going to learn any lessons or have any new real revelations. Give it up. Instead be ready for the person that your meant to be with that comes tomorrow or next year.  Make a list of all the bad things he stands for and pain he has caused you. If you look at that list often you will be glad he's gone. I have quite a list. I will have to see her in divorce court UNFORTUNATELY.

I have my own technique for healing. Its a mix of this and that. I am doing far better than I thought I would be which is great. Still is a rough road. I am just going to stay out of the ditches and holes on the road. Hope this helps. Thanks for letting me vent also. Hang in there.

Peace,

AO

[bpdspell]

Janey you are right. All of you are right.

I felt better yesterday. I just seem to have one problem after another and it gets me down. All these problems are due to him leaving. He really tried to make sure my life would be difficult and he suceeded with that. I am slowly getting things sorted though. But I don't know how much more crap I can deal with.

I really want to contact him to upset his life a bit. To remind him what he has done. But I understand that it would have the wrong effect. It would make him feel better not worse. He would feel no sorrow or pain.

I still can't help but hope he faces what he put me through one day but I know I won't be the one who causes this.  It is so unfair to see him living as though he has no problems at all when he totally trashed my life.

Popcorn,

I'm glad you are feeling better. That is what posting is about: The catharsis. The thoughts of others who've worn your shoes keeps us from feeling all alone in this struggle to unhinge and detach.

As for contacting him keep this in mind: A mentally ill person cannot validate you and a mentally ill person cannot make amends or fix their wrongs. Contacting him will only give him the gratification that he is still on your mind and still has power over you. Let silence be your answer. I don't care if you have to cry every night or post a hundred times. Work on yourself and your own pain because he cannot make you feel better. That is a lie we tell ourselves when we believe that they are the keys to our happiness.

I understand that you are having a tough time but it won't last forever. My ex trashed my life as well with a devastating smear campaign and dangling his new supply in my face. The times he abandoned me made me feel like old newspapers. I felt very discardable and unimportant and it was a very sad time for me to feel the pain of having to put it all back together but this is where your strength kicks in.

The best way to upset a borderline is not through contact. It's by living your life to the fullest; without them. That is their burn and their kryptonite. Abusers always hate to see others succeed without them. This is your calling card and it is the best revenge. Getting revenge is a normal feeling. You want to see him hurt but let karma do its work on its own. Karma doesn't need your help. Trust that Karma collects; with interest.

The others on here are right. If your ex is BPD then he has problems for sure. They may not be visible to you but the same thing you experienced with him will be doled out to the new supply. He is not problem free and will never be.

Spell

[Boisnix79]

BPD Spell:

I'm in a similar place as our original poster... . But the mentally ill one is my mother... Would you say that what you wrote below would go for a Mom as well? It's far harder than my BPD ex to not contact... . but without any acknowledgement of what happened when I was yooung its close to impossible for me to move on with our relationship... . Ahhhh what would you say?

As for contacting him keep this in mind: A mentally ill person cannot validate you and a mentally ill person cannot make amends or fix their wrongs. Contacting him will only give him the gratification that he is still on your mind and still has power over you. Let silence be your answer. I don't care if you have to cry every night or post a hundred times. Work on yourself and your own pain because he cannot make you feel better. That is a lie we tell ourselves when we believe that they are the keys to our happiness.

[janey62]

As for contacting him keep this in mind: A mentally ill person cannot validate you and a mentally ill person cannot make amends or fix their wrongs. Contacting him will only give him the gratification that he is still on your mind and still has power over you. Let silence be your answer. I don't care if you have to cry every night or post a hundred times. Work on yourself and your own pain because he cannot make you feel better. That is a lie we tell ourselves when we believe that they are the keys to our happiness.

I like the way you put this Boisnix79, they cannot be the key to our happiness, no one person can actually, even though we want it so badly.

I'm sorry that you are suffering with having a mother who has BPD.  It's going to be harder to have NC in that situation I imagine?  What advice have you had from the Family board? 

Janey